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4 year old's question about private body parts - 6/21/2008 10:57:37 PM
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dsyluv7
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My 4 year old daughter asked me a question that took me completely off guard this evening. "Mommy, I know its wrong for other people to touch our private parts, but is it OK if a person wants to play with their own?" AAAAHHHH!!!! I tried to remain as calm as possible, so she wouldn't hesitate to ever talk to me about this sort of thing again, but I asked what she meant. She said that sometimes she likes to touch her own private part when she is alone, and she was wondering if that is OK. I asked a few other questions, and I am fairly certain that she is not referring to any type of self gratification. I got the impression that she is curious about that area of her body. My first reaction was to tell her never to ever touch, and that it is wrong. But I have heard a lot of people teach that it is best to tell children that it is OK to touch themselves in private (specifically, Dr. James Dobson, in his book "Bringing Up Boys"). I have not thought this through at all, thinking that it would not come up so soon. My main concern is that she is taught purity, that her body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, and that she is also extremely aware that anyone touching her (before marriage) is wrong. Please give me your advice on this very hard topic!
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RE: 4 year old's question about private body parts - 6/21/2008 11:43:17 PM
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Sideways
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Personally, I don't believe that exploring her body will damage her purity. TV, music and the likes can, but it is her body. God gave it to her, and to tell her that touching any part of her own body is wrong seems a bit absurd to me, provided she does it appropriately (in her room or in a bath).
I'm not exactly sure what is so wrong about a young child's curiosity of her own body. I believe that telling her that touching an area of her body is wrong could help lead to unhealthy view of her body and sexuality. Eventually I would hope that you would want her to enjoy sex with her husband, and if she grew up believing that her body was bad to touch.... Well, it just doesn't sound good at all.
Certainly there is a time and a place for such exploration, but I would not recommend prohibiting it entirely.
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RE: 4 year old's question about private body parts - 6/21/2008 11:54:23 PM
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pbaribeault
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You have mixed feelings about this idea, and that's fairly normal. A way to express yourself appropreately might be to say that of course her body belongs to her, even her private parts, and that she can touch any part of her body that she wants to. But, that her private parts are not exactly a toy, and so it is not really for 'playing' with. Playing is mostly for the parts of your body that show, like hands and feet and face - not for private parts.
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RE: 4 year old's question about private body parts - 6/22/2008 1:14:16 AM
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DenimDiva
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Hi dsyluv7 and welcome to the forums!
I agee with the previous two posters.
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RE: 4 year old's question about private body parts - 6/22/2008 8:48:46 AM
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manda59
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Sideways
Personally, I don't believe that exploring her body will damage her purity. TV, music and the likes can, but it is her body. God gave it to her, and to tell her that touching any part of her own body is wrong seems a bit absurd to me, provided she does it appropriately (in her room or in a bath).
I'm not exactly sure what is so wrong about a young child's curiosity of her own body. I believe that telling her that touching an area of her body is wrong could help lead to unhealthy view of her body and sexuality. Eventually I would hope that you would want her to enjoy sex with her husband, and if she grew up believing that her body was bad to touch.... Well, it just doesn't sound good at all.
Certainly there is a time and a place for such exploration, but I would not recommend prohibiting it entirely.
dsyluv7.
I totally and absolutely agreed with Sideways' very wise and balanced post.
The only things I would add, which is what I said to my own dd (who is now 14), that she might find that if she touched herself too much there she could get sore, so it was best to only do it sometimes - and to wash her hands afterwards because it can be a bit smelly down there.
Making the activity forbidden could actually increase the curiosity to an obsessive level, and also cause her to continue the activity but furtively and secretively. Being open about it is far more likely to give her a healthy balanced view of herself - and will also keep the door open for future conversations.
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RE: 4 year old's question about private body parts - 6/22/2008 6:55:54 PM
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PatricksPeaches
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I teach my two girls that it is okay to touch "there" for hygienic reasons but I don't think I want to teach them to do it for "pleasure". Forgive me if I am too bold, but my whole idea on masturbation is that it is okay in a marriage, not by ones self. I know others don't agree and that is okay. I think our bodies are made for our mate and not ourselves. Masturbation is self serving. Your daughter isn't aware of this idea yet and she shouldn't be. I think you should explain to her that it is okay for cleaning/hygienic reasons but not for, as someone said, play. I don't think 4 years old is a good age to explain (for a lack of better term) sex education.
This is just my opinion and I know not all will agree.
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RE: 4 year old's question about private body parts - 6/22/2008 10:52:51 PM
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MissInnocent
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I hope it's okay to post in this thread instead of nes. starting a new one.
My brother's fiancee's 5-yr-old grand-daughter has been caught playing with herself and her 2-yr-old boy cousin. While she DEFINITELY should not be touching another child....my question is this: Is a child touching themselves (or even another child) an indication of sexual abuse or that they've been exposed to something they shouldn't have been? I think no. But my mother completely freaked out when my brother told her about the situation, saying the child has to have been touched wrong by someone or seen something she shouldn't have.
I recall the now 2-yr-old when he was 19-mos seeing his 5-mos old girl cousin getting her diaper changed and trying to touch her privates, his grandmother just pulled his hand away and told him now. He was just curious, definitely not been abused himself or exposed to bad things making him want to touch her.
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RE: 4 year old's question about private body parts - 6/22/2008 11:50:35 PM
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pbaribeault
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Speaking in generalities...
A 2 year old in a situation like the diaper change is expressing ordinary curiosity about the world he sees around him, and desiring to explore it by touching it, just like he explores everything else.
A 5 year old that seems to seek-and-sneak (was that the case, or were they in some kind of everyday situation?) with the intent to touch a smaller child of the opposite gender... that does raise some red flags... particularly if she is interested in her own private parts somewhat intently (frequently, firmly, superstitiously etc.).
Red flags does not mean, "Freak out on the spot." It means keep your eyes and ears (and mind) open. The girls immediate family might consider having an listening ear, asking some vaguely leading questions, or asking their doctor to ask her the same sort of things without them present.
...
On the other hand your mother (and you!) have a much too distant relationship with this girl to be even talking about her very private affairs. Imagine if your bedroom habits were the topic of conversation at their dinner table! Your brother is way out of line for violating her privacy this way. The poor girl will be 25 years old, and over for Christmas, and everybody will always remember that when she was 5 she liked to masturbate. How humiliating!
The parents might need to do some dealing... and maybe they will seek help or advice, maybe from their own parents, but nobody needs a potential-extended-step-family conference about this. Please -- Don't let it go any further.
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RE: 4 year old's question about private body parts - 6/23/2008 12:03:39 AM
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MissInnocent
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You're right I don't think my bro should have said anything to my mom and I (though I had heard my mom's end of the conversation so figured a bit out) wish she hadn't shared with me exactly what he said. I had to bite my tongue though at her freak out and not add my "well sometimes kids are just innocently curious" cause she would have bitten my head off.
I don't know what the situation was of her touching the 2-yr-old but apparently she was caught hidden touching herself. I do agree the parents and grandmother need to ask questions and keep an eye and ear on the situation. I just don't think my mom's idea of she MUST have been abused or exposed to something she shouldn't have been is necessarily the case.
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RE: 4 year old's question about private body parts - 6/23/2008 10:25:37 AM
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PromiseLander
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I've thought about how to deal with this topic quite a lot, and I'm certainly no psychiatrist on any matters, but I really don't see the harm in a child exploring the functions of their own body in the confines of their own privacy. I mean, I realize that there are different functions for different parts of the body, but as long as sin is kept away (lusting, ect...) then how is it any different then say massaging your feet?
Maybe I'm completely off base, and if anyone can point to Scripture to correct me then please post it, but to my knowledge, the Bible doesn't refer to masturbation. Now, it DOES refer to lust, and it does refer to pre-marital sex, ect... But this is certainly no new subject - if this had been a huge issue, would we have read of this in Proverbs? After all, that was written by a man teaching his son...
I think that if we give the child a resounding "NO!" to this topic, then it would seem to be planting in that child a feeling that there is something bad about sex. God gave us sex, and within the confines of marriage is a VERY good thing.
Something else to think about, did Adam have sexual organs before God made Eve? Hmmmmm...
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RE: 4 year old's question about private body parts - 6/24/2008 1:07:42 AM
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SkillfullGourmet
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I agree with sideways and manda. I would just say something like, "Because they're private parts, it is rude to touch them in front of other people. You can look at them and touch them if you're by yourself."
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RE: 4 year old's question about private body parts - 6/24/2008 2:54:42 AM
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manda59
Posts: 5451
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From: Hampshire, UK
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quote:
ORIGINAL: SkillfullGourmet
I agree with sideways and manda. I would just say something like, "Because they're private parts, it is rude to touch them in front of other people. You can look at them and touch them if you're by yourself."
I used "not appropriate" rather than "rude". "Rude" can sound too attractive! I taught mine "not appropriate" for a number of things from age 2 onwards.
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"That's what I would say as well."
Mrs Wifey, August 2008.
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RE: 4 year old's question about private body parts - 6/24/2008 6:29:19 AM
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nicole6598
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Yep Manda, I do the same.
We are taught when we are training to be teachers to use the phrase "not appropriate" rather than rude because rude can be thought of as "naughty" and "sly" and will make kids either feel really ashamed or do things in secret.
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RE: 4 year old's question about private body parts - 6/24/2008 8:04:13 AM
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DaveW
Posts: 3839
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: MD suburbs of Washington DC
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Sideways
Personally, I don't believe that exploring her body will damage her purity. TV, music and the likes can, but it is her body. God gave it to her, and to tell her that touching any part of her own body is wrong seems a bit absurd to me, provided she does it appropriately (in her room or in a bath).
I'm not exactly sure what is so wrong about a young child's curiosity of her own body. I believe that telling her that touching an area of her body is wrong could help lead to unhealthy view of her body and sexuality. Eventually I would hope that you would want her to enjoy sex with her husband, and if she grew up believing that her body was bad to touch.... Well, it just doesn't sound good at all.
Certainly there is a time and a place for such exploration, but I would not recommend prohibiting it entirely.
I would generally agree with this. I also agree that 4 years is too young for "sex ed" but realize that the exploration may lead to finding a sexual response. The reason that some think that it must be a product of abuse is that only a minority find that on their own but abuse can target that response and once experienced, the child wants to repeat it. (DUH!!) Even very young children can have adult strength orgasms.
While I am sure you do not wish to negativly impact her future marital relations, (which an overly negative response will do) being too positive could increase her chances of finding "it." Then you will have to deal with a young child with strong sexual desires.
Solomon was wise when he wrote:
Song of Solomon 8:4 I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases.
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RE: 4 year old's question about private body parts - 6/25/2008 12:13:23 AM
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1love1God1way
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I'm 21 and I still don't know what all my body parts are for.
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