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RE: A few words of wisdom... - 10/4/2008 8:29:42 PM
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Simway
Posts: 42
Joined: 4/12/2005
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As one who is looking at almost forth years of married life. I would say to come into this marriage as debt free as possible. Get a budget set up as soon as you can. Before you are married would be best. Live within you means. If you can't afford it don't buy it. You don't have to have everything right at the start of your marriage. We started with " early attic " may not have looked super great but at least it was payed for. Other things would include how many children you want, and when to start a family. I would say wait a few years. this will give you time to adjust to married life, without the pressure of having to take care of a child.
Just a few words from this old man..Simway
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RE: A few words of wisdom... - 10/4/2008 8:38:29 PM
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MC4JC
Posts: 201
Joined: 7/6/2008
From: Minnesota
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That's too hard to only pick out one piece of advice!
So I have to do more if you don't mind :)
1. Make God the pilot and head of your household - put him first.
2. Never go to bed angry.
3. For her - treat him like a king and love him like its your last day together; For him - treat her like a queen and love her like its your last day together.
4. Be on the same page when it comes to finances, children, household duties.
5. Always remember to tell each other "I love you" (and mean it) every day.
And from my husband's grandfather (who was 100 yrs old when he died):
"if you are arguing, one has to stop and kiss the other - because you cannot kiss and argue at the same time"
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RE: A few words of wisdom... - 10/6/2008 10:40:12 AM
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Oldwing
Posts: 137
Joined: 9/12/2008
From: New Hampshire, USA
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You have already read a lot of good practical advice. All I can add is that marriage is not 50% - 50%, it is 100% - 100%. Give all you have to your spouse all of the time.
_____________________________
Gary
These things I command you, that you love one another. John 15:17
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RE: A few words of wisdom... - 10/7/2008 10:46:59 AM
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bricole77
Posts: 65
Joined: 7/28/2006
From: Grand Haven, MI
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Thank you so much everyone! Unfortunatley I see more pain caused by marriage on this forum than blessings. Its great to hear advice from people who are making thier marriages work!
_____________________________
I had to kiss alot of frogs to find my prince!
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RE: A few words of wisdom... - 10/7/2008 10:59:57 AM
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truthrevealed
Posts: 312
Joined: 12/6/2007
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My advice? Don't overthink it(don't over analyze yourself or your husband. DO NOT compare yourself with other couples, your parents etc.)Spend time with God, talk to Him, read His word and inquire of Him and everything that's neccesary from you, for your marriage, will happen naturally.
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RE: A few words of wisdom... - 10/7/2008 11:01:37 AM
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Zhi
Posts: 1433
Joined: 7/31/2007
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I guess my advice would be that some things are just not that important.
I remember when we were having a rough time in our marriage. Really rough. Hubby didn't have a job, didn't do anything around the house, we were fighting a lot while I supported us and did all the cleaning, etc. So, I'm sitting there with some female friends, and one of them starts going off about how her husband put the toilet paper roll in backwards when he was cleaning the bathroom. I was torn between the desire to ask which way backwards is, exactly, and the desire to smack some sense into her, so the net result was probably kind of a frozen look of indecisive astonishment until the conversation moved elsewhere.
That's the day that I learned that it's about perspective. If you want to be happy with your marriage, you can find things to be happy about. If you're determined to be miserable, a man who would seem like a glorious dream to most women can be a terrible, toilet-paper-reversing monster to you. To this day, I am not sure that hubby is aware that toilet paper rolls actually have a designated location, much less which direction they would go were they to accidentally end up there, and I'm not sure if he's ever cleaned a bathroom in over a decade of marriage. But, he's supporting us, he's letting me stay home with our daughter (working part time from home, but that's more my decision than his requirement), and I can clean up. The reality is, you need to pick your battles, and the direction of a toilet paper roll, or a sock on the floor, is not going to be the hill that I fight and die on. Pick up the sock, reverse the toilet paper roll, and get on with life.
My rule of thumb is that if it would take longer for us to fight about him doing whatever it is, than for me to just do whatever it is, I'll just do whatever it is. ;)
_____________________________
The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half empty. The engineer says the glass is twice as large as it needs to be.
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RE: A few words of wisdom... - 10/7/2008 11:22:37 AM
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doinkdom
Posts: 4249
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: The higher lowcountry
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One piece of advice  hmmm
Remember God's love, grace & mercy in your life and pass that on to your husband.
You are two sinners saying "I do" and you will glorify God more by allowing one another the mercy to fail (cause you will eventually) and the grace to grow.
I ask myself in times of getting-a-little-tense  , "what has the Father overlooked in me today, that I cannot do the same for D?"
_____________________________
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RE: A few words of wisdom... - 10/7/2008 11:27:26 AM
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Auben
Posts: 1614
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: Where pines tower and cranberries float
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I would say...be specific. Ask when you want something, don't expect him to know. Voice all your expectations even if they seem obvious or like something he would also think/want/believe.
We are pretty well-matched but some of our bigger arguments have come when one of us had a hidden expectation. I expected he would take the trash out (my dad did) and he doesn't. I was really frustrated by that, then I realized that I just thought all men took the trash out. Really, your marriage is your own. Everything is negotiable. Be ready to talk, and negotiate, and do things in whatever way works for you.
Secondly, whenever you find something about him that annoys you, realize that it's probably part of something you really love about him. This gives you perspective when you're mad.
Third, nothing is ever completely fair or even. There are going to be parts of your life where you feel you do more. There are going to be parts of your life where he does more. Don't try to count things up...it just drives you crazy. As long as you are serving him and he is serving you it's all good. If he is not serving you (or you him), then it's time for communication and renegotiation.
_____________________________
Tamara
~Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time~
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RE: A few words of wisdom... - 10/7/2008 12:11:48 PM
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mkgrace_94
Posts: 7
Joined: 9/29/2008
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When we were engaged, we read together "The Most Important Year in a Man/Woman's Life" by Robert and Bobbie Wolgemuth and Mark and Susan DeVries.
It's a book that addresses topics for newlyweds like money, sex and in-laws to both men and women in a fun flip-the-book-over style with discussion questions. We found it as one way to help us prepare for a Christ centered marriage, and we still refer to parts of the book five years later!
God bless you in your desire to be a Godly wife :)
< Message edited by mkgrace_94 -- 10/7/2008 2:30:06 PM >
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RE: A few words of wisdom... - 10/7/2008 12:40:05 PM
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DaveW
Posts: 4061
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: MD suburbs of Washington DC
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Congrats Bricole!
I was in your general area (Muskegon) a couple of months ago. my MIL died and we were in Lansing to attend the funeral. After the viewing I picked up some stuff from a good friend who is in Muskegon.
Advice? Make sure you have a good premarital counseling course. Give it enough time to work thru any issues that come up BEFORE you get married. You have a year so the sooner you get into it the better.
Talk about EVERYTHING with your fiancee. Holding stuff back and in will eventually fester and become really ugly. (especially the bad stuff) Communication is prime. Hopefully the counseling will have a section on developing communication skills.
Keep yourself committed to the Lord, and to living according to HIS word. That will avoid a multitude of sins.
Always choose to love. That covers a multitude of sins.
_____________________________
Avatar is Saphira 5 months and Louvena at 23 months!
We are now grandparents TWICE!!
====================================
Our CD is now available here:
http://cdbaby.com/cd/dswaggoner
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RE: A few words of wisdom... - 10/7/2008 8:54:49 PM
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John_O
Posts: 8049
Joined: 9/5/2006
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For me and my wife the most important thing was to remember that some words are not to be spoken within a marriage.
Erase the "D" word from your vocabulary. Marriage is forever. There is no way out. When you both get that deep down in your spirit then you'll both work hard to make it the best it can be, and it can be heavenly. You're stuck with each other, you muight as well make it be good.
No matter how much you may think you feel the opposite of love for your spouse at the moment, do not voice that opinion. As much as possible everything you say to your spouse should be positive. "I love you" should be the most heard phrase in your house. It's opposite should never be uttered.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: A few words of wisdom... - 10/8/2008 8:17:34 AM
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danivrich
Posts: 12
Joined: 9/10/2008
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congrats bricole! my advice for a successful marriage is simply this- pray. pray about everything. but don't pray for God to change your hubby. pray for God to change YOU. after almost 4 years of marriage, i'm just starting to get the hang of that.  but it's working. God is changing me so that the little things that used to irritate me and cause problems are no longer an issue. so pray, pray, pray!! and we'll be praying for you guys, too!
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RE: A few words of wisdom... - 10/8/2008 11:34:06 AM
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tn1
Posts: 167
Joined: 9/22/2008
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Wisdom points:
If you have the power, the talent, the gifting in any area, you provide the servant leadership. Make "servant leadership" based on talent rather than on gender. For example, in sexual intimacy usually the woman has the power; she has the key. Thus the woman would have the greatest responsibility to provide servant leadership in that area. Finances, whoever has the most time, talent, and desire should provide servant leadership in that area of your marriage.
Men are commanded to love their wives unconditionally. And women are commanded to respect their husbands unconditionally. Why? Because men do not naturally love and women do not naturally respect. Love and Respect are two sides of the same coin of Honor; but they are two significantly different sides.
Take at least 10 hours a week of one-on-one time with no distractions (TV, kids, others, computer, etc.) giving each other you're full attention.
Regularly invest in your marriage through marriage conferences & retreats.
Think on things that are good, respectful, and beautiful about your spouse. Love highlights the good and covers the bad.
Always, ALWAYS speak highly of your spouse to others.
Ask a couple whom you respect to partner with you in a mentoring type relationship. These are amazingly valuable. Older women teaching the younger women how to respect their husbands. Older men teaching younger men how to love their wives.
And it's often good, unless you are both already in a church together, to both leave your respective churches and start attending together a new fellowship.
< Message edited by tn1 -- 10/8/2008 11:43:46 AM >
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RE: A few words of wisdom... - 10/8/2008 5:45:49 PM
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bride48
Posts: 5523
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: Near Boston
Status: offline
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I've learned the importance of using good manners.
_____________________________
Joyfully,
DebbieLynne
And Paul Smith Is Such A Non-Descript Name... (my latest blog entry)
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RE: A few words of wisdom... - 10/8/2008 10:40:29 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 1854
Joined: 9/26/2007
Status: online
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The two things that proved critical in my marriage were commitment (we will never part and that's that. Find a way to make it work) and good will. Not the thrift store, but thinking the best of the other when you don't understand why they did what they did. Assume it was for the best reason. Then talk about it. "I statements" not "you statements":
I feel hurt when you say the food tastes funny.
versus
You insult my food all the time.
Don't threaten and always never use the words "always" and "never."
Don't be mad at the same time (that can be hard sometimes).
God bless you guys!
_____________________________
Want to know where a certain word or phrase in the Bible is found? www.biblegateway.com Yay!
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RE: A few words of wisdom... - 10/9/2008 2:31:27 PM
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Lycea
Posts: 205
Joined: 6/18/2007
From: Kansas
Status: offline
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If there has to only be one piece of advice, I will mention one I don't think is in the above:
Learn to seek solutions together instead of seeing the other person as the problem. Most issues we deal with aren't a matter of someone being "right" or "wrong," but more about what we are facing as fallen people in a fallen world. There are too many attacks from the outside that need you both working together to overcome, don't waste your "fight" on each other. Seek solutions instead of being right, and you will find that your marriage is full of harmony instead of strife!
_____________________________
It all boils down to this: Love God, Love Each Other.
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