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Am I being mean....or a mom? - 7/16/2008 3:45:42 PM
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truthrevealed
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My husband enjoys being the "neighborhood dad," he likes to play sports with the children in the neighborhood, be a mentor of sorts to the boys etc. etc. A couple yrs. ago he met a teenage boy and his siblings who come from a VERY broken home(father recently passed and their mother.....let's just say she comes and goes) so the kids are in a foster home type situation(with a friend---an older gentleman, of the parents who, by default is now "responsible" for the children). Of course my husband and I have done what we can to help the children and have formed a pretty decent bond with them versus the other children in the neighborhood. We have witnessed to the oldest(he's the father like figure to his other siblings)my husband and I and our oldest son(they are the same age)have witnessed to him. Admittedly, I am not as....outgoing as my husband, he's very social where I won't go out and play with the children per se but I'll talk to them, provide in any way etc. This teenager began to come around quite often, and there were many times when he would come in the evening when it wasn't the best time for me so there were times I told my husband to tell him to come back the next day.
Then, because we are christian and this child and his siblings have lived a rough life on the "streets" they pretty much think we're weird, nerds...........peculiar people  because we don't curse, listen to the popular music....my children don't dress as the other children, they aren't allowed to do what other children are allowed to do. I understand they they find us different----we're suppossed to be(and he's too young to have been around BEFORE God started the work on us). The problem is how they respond to my kids. My oldest doesn't like to fight....at all, which makes him a complete lame in his peer group so he's made fun of which HE'S learned to deal with-- but I'M highly offended when this child and his siblings poke fun at my children ages 15 and 7(they've also been particularly rough with my kids while playing...trying to "play it off" when my husband and I are present . My husband says he understands this dynamic between boys. This teenager acts this way towards my oldest to kind of "toughen" him up says my husband(my child may not like to fight but he's got a sarcastic mouth towards his peers---his only defense mechanism) but I don't like it as a mother. It's one of the reasons that I've now held this child at arms length. I feel like, we've done what we can to help you and treat you as if you're our own, don't treat my children like just another person on the street. My attitude has been evident, I'm sure, because many times when I see him he doesn't speak as he used to. Also, my husband and I confronted him becasue we caught him high one night. We simply spoke to him like any parent would(who's not his parents)about hanging out with the older boys on the streets, the life he's headed toward and being an example to his other siblings.
I see him today, as he's walking the neighborhood with those same older boys while they're(the other boys)cursing up a storm and I just act like he's not there because I'm disappointed that he's hanging with them and that he has nothing to say to them about being blatantly disrespectful in front of an adult.
The issue: I feel like I've been impatient and not understanding....he is a good kid and he's gone thru...A LOT...too much to tell you now. I wonder if I've allowed my offense towards how he and his siblings respond to my children to cause him to feel rejected by me and now he's moving head first into the streets whereas had I not responded this way he may feel more freedom to continue to come to my husband and I and not the other influences. I DO NOT blame myself for his condition but I wonder if I've allowed MY offense to turn him away. Whatcha' think?
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RE: Am I being mean....or a mom? - 7/16/2008 4:38:19 PM
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manda59
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I think your first duty is to your own children, for whom you *are* responsible.
quote:
but I'M highly offended when this child and his siblings poke fun at my children ages 15 and 7(they've also been particularly rough with my kids while playing...trying to "play it off" when my husband and I are present . My husband says he understands this dynamic between boys. This teenager acts this way towards my oldest to kind of "toughen" him up says my husband
My reaction to this is that it sounds like the teenager wasn't trying to toughen him up, but was trying to usurp your son's position in the family. In other words, trying to take his place.
I appreciate that you and your dh are trying to care for this lad, but it must not be at the expense of your own children. They need to feel emotionally safe in their own home, and if that means firmer boundaries for this teen and his siblings, then so be it. They should not be allowed to talk to your children however they wish, and perhaps they should not even be around at your house so much either.
_____________________________
"That's what I would say as well."
Mrs Wifey, August 2008.
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RE: Am I being mean....or a mom? - 7/16/2008 9:12:04 PM
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VisitorinWaiting
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For only the second time in my history of memory, I agree with Manda.
Anything else I say would just be redundant.
_____________________________
Hebrews 11:13,16 "...They said they were like visitors and strangers on earth...they were waiting for a better country, a heavenly country." (NCV)
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RE: Am I being mean....or a mom? - 7/16/2008 11:01:36 PM
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Leslie_JnJs_mom
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I agree with manda as well.
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<------- Jessica and I had so much fun with grandma!
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RE: Am I being mean....or a mom? - 7/16/2008 11:38:43 PM
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Sadey
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I don't understsand why you and your husband would stand there and let them treat your kids that way. Just tell them to knock it off. They'll still come around. Letting them mistreat your kids is not going to help them be better people.
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RE: Am I being mean....or a mom? - 7/17/2008 10:07:52 AM
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truthrevealed
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When I say pick on my kids, I'm referring to rough housing while playing and poking fun(essentially doing what most all children do--especially boys)which is why I'd been wondering if I was being a bit overprotective or hypersensitive. I have NO problem speaking up or doing whatever I feel is neccesary in ANY situation to confront an issue. My husband believes it's boys behaving as boys...part of me agrees...part of me doesn't....Those children know how far to go in "play" I've made that clear..which is why I say they "play it off" in front of me and dh. There isn't a time where my children are outside without one of us being out there anyway (for various reasons) so it would be unfair of me to shine more light on that aspect of the situation.
It has made me wonder though, about being in a situation where you want to be a "godly" or good "influence" but not wanting to expose your children(even yourself)to those who don't believe as you. What about when it's relatives? Should we not allow our children to play with other children if they have not been raised with the same values or can it be a good thing for them to be around a chrisitian family?
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RE: Am I being mean....or a mom? - 7/17/2008 10:39:52 AM
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manda59
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quote:
ORIGINAL: truthrevealed
When I say pick on my kids, I'm referring to rough housing while playing and poking fun(essentially doing what most all children do--especially boys)
Even if "most" children do (which I would dispute), does that make it OK? I say most definitely not.
These boys are visitors, guests in your home and they should be treating you, your husband, your home AND YOUR BOYS with the utmost respect otherwise they have no business being there. If they had any concept of what you are doing for them, they would be behaving with gratitude and respect, not behaving in an over-familiar or disprespectful way to ANY member of your family.
quote:
It has made me wonder though, about being in a situation where you want to be a "godly" or good "influence" but not wanting to expose your children(even yourself)to those who don't believe as you. What about when it's relatives? Should we not allow our children to play with other children if they have not been raised with the same values or can it be a good thing for them to be around a chrisitian family?
My children are my responsibility and it is my responsibility to provide a safe environment for them. If the presence of other outside children threatens that, then it is my children who would come first.
_____________________________
"That's what I would say as well."
Mrs Wifey, August 2008.
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RE: Am I being mean....or a mom? - 7/17/2008 11:07:25 AM
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Shrommer
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I think, ... well, here's what I think.
I think that this boy with the older boys would be acting the same way he is acting, regardless of anything you've ever done or said. And I also think that he would be hanging with the same older boys regardless of anything you've ever done or said.
In other words, if he had found in you the perfect, loving, caring, 100% attention, "meeting-all-his-needs" home, he still would have left your home to find a group of older boys to hang out with and then would be exhibiting this same disrespectful behavior to help him feel cool with them.
If my advice is worth anything, it would be to intercede for this boy, pray for him (and the older boys), that he would know God's calling on his life and walk in it. Don't let his current behavior throw off your faith in God answering this prayer. In God's timing, this boy could begin walking with God in a year, a decade, or when he's a senior citizen - the timing doesn't matter so much as fully trusting that God will perform mighty things in and through him.
If you are praying this way, God will also be working in your life to reveal to you and empower you for any part you may play in it, but it could be that you've already played your role in relationship with him, and now it just time to be a prayer warrior for him. Get your husband in on this too.
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RE: Am I being mean....or a mom? - 7/17/2008 11:18:27 AM
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truthrevealed
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Shrommer, duly noted and already done. EXCELLENT POST!!!!!
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RE: Am I being mean....or a mom? - 7/17/2008 11:32:42 AM
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SouthernBelleGrits
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I don't think you or being mean. However, I think you are living in fear. Moms do that from time to time.
I agree that a parent must protect ones children first and foremost..... Drugs would be faced head on and discussed with the boy and your own children together out in the open so there isn't any grey areas on that subject. It's a definite non negotiable.
BUT I'm very bothered by the fact that this boy was walking by with some other people and you totally ignored him. Does he feel rejected????????? Absolutely. He is most likely thinking he will never be good enough for you. You are looking down on him whether you want to admit it or not. Rejecting his behavior is one thing. Rejecting him is a different story. By your own admission you admit to being more reserved....... That is blatant rejection of him. The only way to resolve that will be to have a clear heart to heart with him. You cannot control how he will react to that but the words need to be spoken to him and your fears and reasons spelled out plainly to him. If you sincerely care about this young man he will hear it when you speak to him. He may not make overt changes that you can see but the seeds you plant with that type of kindness and mothering could go a long way in the life of this boy who may not have sound Godly role models in his family.
Guess who is accepting him and NOT rejecting him? All those non-Christian people he is hanging out with!! I would say with the life he has been given he may need to use a curse word every now and then.:) Your husband is on the right track. Boys and Girls need to learn to exist together. The world is not cushioned and nice and neat all the time. Kids tease and poke fun at each other.... even Christian kids. Our children need guidance to know what to do when they goof up or behave inappropriately. If you try to protect them all the time or expect them to be nice or never to goof up then you are building a bubble around them. Nice guys don't know what to do when a woman is in real danger... They panic in fear most of the time or remain passive. God doesn't want us in bubbles. He wants us getting our hands and feet dirty and walking amongst those who do not know Christ. I believe, it is the best witness to our own children when we show them the real Christ who wasn't afraid to wash the dirty feet of others or mingle with prostitues or throw a huge fit of anger in the temple. j I don't believe for a second that Christ was nice and neat like the sweet pictures hanging on the walls of most churches. He was courageous.
I have one question. Have you asked your son what he thinks about all this? If you are rushing in to defend him it could be the worse thing in the world because he will never learn to defend himself. He needs the freedom to do this without a Mother's hovering. It is my opinion that girls and boys need this and it isn't gender exclusive though. Your husband uses the phrase, "toughen up". I like to use the phrase, "releasing fear".
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RE: Am I being mean....or a mom? - 7/17/2008 11:43:01 AM
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truthrevealed
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Southernbelle, WOW you hit right at the heart of my post, God bless you! I have felt that I haven't been accepting of him and that my husband has been more open, patient and understanding. Perhaps I've hidden behind an "excuse" of how he is around my children when I just need to accept him as he is and create an atmosphere, (within myself) where he can feel as comfortable around me as he is around my husband. Can't really articulate it greater than that.......just know that you hit the heart of my reason for posting this topic!
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RE: Am I being mean....or a mom? - 7/17/2008 11:54:20 AM
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truthrevealed
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Also, southernbelle, my kids don't mind being around them. My oldest son isn't one to want to go outside anyway, He'd rather me allow him to play the PS all day(doesn't happen though)my youngest son enjoys them...they're kids...
When my husband and I had the discussion with this child the night we found him "high" I did reveal a bit of my heart to him letting him know how much we care for him...how much I care.... for him but since then, I've just been dissapointed in his behavior and have been wrestling with whether I should be satisfied with just praying for him(the reason I agree with Shrommers post)and leaving it be or if this situation is revealing more about what's going on in ME and less what's going on in/with the child---I really believe you understand what I mean. Please pray for me!
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RE: Am I being mean....or a mom? - 7/17/2008 12:24:32 PM
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manda59
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quote:
ORIGINAL: truthrevealed
Also, southernbelle, my kids don't mind being around them.
Some children hide or suppress what they want/like/mind out of wanting to please their parents.
And besides "not minding" can mean tolerating, or just putting up with, rather than actually liking or enjoying.
_____________________________
"That's what I would say as well."
Mrs Wifey, August 2008.
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RE: Am I being mean....or a mom? - 7/17/2008 12:35:42 PM
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truthrevealed
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Manda, perhaps then, I should have said that my youngest child ENJOYS playing with the children(I've already mentioned the hearts desire of my oldest child). I have been the one with the problem moreso than my children. The other children interact with mine very rarley now anyway(they only do so when they meet outside) they have only been inside where I live on three occasions in the last two years. The oldest used to come by, alone(to speak with my husband) but hasn't done so in a long time.
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RE: Am I being mean....or a mom? - 7/17/2008 5:10:49 PM
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Calea37
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Ditto to all three of Manda's posts in this thread.
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Calea
Isaiah 2:22 Stop trusting in man, who has but a breath in his nostrils. Of what account is he?
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