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Date a friend??? - 7/6/2008 4:34:01 PM
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coinpurse
Posts: 96
Joined: 5/10/2008
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Have you ever gotten romantically involved with a friend that you arent attracted to???? I know this sounds pretty bad...
I have a good friend that I met about a year ago..Just a platonic friend...we go out to eat, hang out at the beach...all platonic with no googly eye looks or anything, these hanging outs are never planned...always spontaneous after bumping into each other...or Id call him to see how a date/work went and we'd end up having lunch...We are grown folks...Im n my 30s, hes in his 40s.
I'm not physically attracted to him at all...BUT while out last week, he put his hand on my waist, and I was like WOAH...I liked it:) electric shock went through my body...and the other day, he kissed me and I was like WOAH...I liked that too...but I am still not attracted to him...To me, he has a very funny shaped head, crazy looking eyes...
and I think the years of doing drugs way back before he met jesus have affected his brain...
He does help out in church and has a well paying job
Im considering going out with him, but I cant get passed the funny shaped head and that creepy look he sometimes has in his eyes and his inabilty to explain things in words sometimes...Im sure theres a woman out there wh finds him so handsome...they should probably have him...
Ive had to tell him to not touch me, like putting his hand on my knee or back, and especially kissing me cause, WOAH!
I dont know if I like it cause I havent dated in several years...
Im not afraid of losing his friendship...ultimately, we'd both be married anyway, even if to other people...we'd have more important things to do than to try to keep friends of the opposite gender...
Edited to take away some details...if hes in this forum, he would know its me talking about him.
< Message edited by coinpurse -- 7/6/2008 5:08:33 PM >
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RE: Date a friend??? - 7/6/2008 5:10:30 PM
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Auben
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Not sure exactly what WOAH! means. That you responded to the touch and the kiss? That there is some level of physical attraction?
Because basically if there's nothing there usually the kiss won't do it for you.
Don't know what to tell you. I did date a friend, who I wasn't physically wowed by, and became attracted to him and married him eventually. We're very happy and I find him very attractive now.
However, it sounds like you have a lot of other reasons to think this is not a good idea. Tell him you're not interested in dating him and let this all percolate for awhile. If it will work the idea will start to grow on you and you can tell him you've changed your mind. It's important to get things cleared up now though, especially if he needs some time to understand everything that's happening.
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RE: Date a friend??? - 7/6/2008 6:47:30 PM
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coinpurse
Posts: 96
Joined: 5/10/2008
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*yes, a reaction to the kiss/touch
*Your suggestion sounds good...other than that I dont find him attractive right now, theres nothing else...hes a good christian guy, makes a good honest living, hes my friend....
I guess I always fantasized that Id marry someone smarter than me (no disrespect to him)...but he teaches me a lot...he doesnt explain the Word well, but he knows what scripture to point out to me...he knows a lot of the things I always dreamed about being/doing for fun..surfing, swimming(hes been teaching me), playing the guitar, drawing, cooking!:) Im a slob and hes very neat...Ive always wanted to be neater:)...I love the food from his Asian culture! (the culture difference is OK, we are both inner city type people used to diversity/multicultural social groups/church)...
and we both have elderly parents who will mostly celebrate that we found somebody (IF something were to happen) than being down about cultural differences...
but ill think about it...and just be friends and keep a bit of distance for awhile...
quote:
ORIGINAL: Auben
Not sure exactly what WOAH! means. That you responded to the touch and the kiss? That there is some level of physical attraction?
Because basically if there's nothing there usually the kiss won't do it for you.
Don't know what to tell you. I did date a friend, who I wasn't physically wowed by, and became attracted to him and married him eventually. We're very happy and I find him very attractive now.
However, it sounds like you have a lot of other reasons to think this is not a good idea. Tell him you're not interested in dating him and let this all percolate for awhile. If it will work the idea will start to grow on you and you can tell him you've changed your mind. It's important to get things cleared up now though, especially if he needs some time to understand everything that's happening.
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RE: Date a friend??? - 7/6/2008 6:48:25 PM
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agapetos
Posts: 5598
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From: This side of the lil duck pond!
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quote:
and the other day, he kissed me and I was like WOAH...I liked that too... Gotta say, I wouldn't be letting any guy that I was 'just friends with' kiss me.
I have a friend who attempted to set one of her best friends up with a guy they both knew and were friends with. It didn't happen. What did happen was that my friend and the guy started dating and got married and have been married for around 20 years now.
quote:
Ive had to tell him to not touch me, like putting his hand on my knee or back, and especially kissing me cause, WOAH! Perhaps in addition to you telling him not to touch you, you need to stop calling him? You may be sending him mixed signals.
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RE: Date a friend??? - 7/6/2008 7:11:27 PM
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coinpurse
Posts: 96
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Well, after he placed his hand on my waist (I was ahead of him heading out the door) and realized that it felt nice/comforatble...I started wondering what it would be like if he kissed me...wondering is not a good idea! He tried once and I said no. well, this past time, I just let him due only to curiosity...not good...and wished I didnt! cant take it back...
Yes, I have sent him mixed signals...and telling him NOT to call me is probably a good idea...
quote:
ORIGINAL: agapetos
quote:
and the other day, he kissed me and I was like WOAH...I liked that too... Gotta say, I wouldn't be letting any guy that I was 'just friends with' kiss me.
I have a friend who attempted to set one of her best friends up with a guy they both knew and were friends with. It didn't happen. What did happen was that my friend and the guy started dating and got married and have been married for around 20 years now.
quote:
Ive had to tell him to not touch me, like putting his hand on my knee or back, and especially kissing me cause, WOAH! Perhaps in addition to you telling him not to touch you, you need to stop calling him? You may be sending him mixed signals.
quote:
Gotta say, I wouldn't be letting any guy that I was 'just friends with' kiss me.
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RE: Date a friend??? - 7/6/2008 7:18:26 PM
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agapetos
Posts: 5598
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From: This side of the lil duck pond!
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quote:
and telling him NOT to call me is probably a good idea... It's not just him not calling you ~ it's YOU not calling him either!
_____________________________
Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not using them in fruit salads!
My blog
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RE: Date a friend??? - 7/7/2008 4:02:40 PM
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preserved
Posts: 1063
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Yes, it happens...people have intimate relations with friends with no committment and no attachment ..It's like you already know who you are dealing with. However, in your case you have to be considerate in his thoughts of you as well...You are leading him on. You need to put a halt to the touching and kissing since you are not able to get his looks...
For me...If I am not attracted to a guy...there is definately no kissing, no touching etc...I would not want to lead them on in any way...
Could be perhaps you are lonely for affection
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RE: Date a friend??? - 7/8/2008 8:20:12 AM
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DaveW
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For many people, the lack of romantic involvement and the lack of physical touch is an unrecognized need smoldering just below the surface. It only can take an innocent contact to suddenly have it blaze to the fore. It is important to understand this is more about you and what you are "hungry" for than it is about him or how you feel about him.
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RE: Date a friend??? - 7/27/2008 11:31:50 PM
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coinpurse
Posts: 96
Joined: 5/10/2008
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Wow, so true...
Thanks all for the advice...
In the last 2 weeks I have actually become more attracted to him...but
He met up with a church friend of his to talk and I guess get some advice about me...he has been acting weird since...all of a sudden he seems to be concerned that he doesnt know who my friends are???? as if he doesnt really know me and now claiming that he has all these things to work out...that even though hes been a Christian for 7 years, hes a babe in Christ...blah blah blah. I don't know what hes getting at, but Im not
hanging out with him anytime soon alone or with people...
quote:
ORIGINAL: DaveW
For many people, the lack of romantic involvement and the lack of physical touch is an unrecognized need smoldering just below the surface. It only can take an innocent contact to suddenly have it blaze to the fore. It is important to understand this is more about you and what you are "hungry" for than it is about him or how you feel about him.
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RE: Date a friend??? - 7/28/2008 10:14:47 AM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 792
Joined: 11/28/2005
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Avoid spending any more time with him... since there's been too
much "toying" with emotions and not respecting the boundaries in friendships.
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RE: Date a friend??? - 7/28/2008 7:48:31 PM
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shadowspring
Posts: 1565
Joined: 5/27/2006
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Sounds to me like he earnestly wants to please the Lord. He sought godly counsel and he's taking it into consideration. I'm sorry you felt insulted. I am sure he didn't mean to insult you. He's probably "thinking out loud" about what his counselor-person said.
My dh and I were just friends for many months. I continually reaffirmed that I did not want to lead him on and to expect nothing more. But we were really good friends. I liked him, admired him, respected his walk with God, enjoyed his company...
I began to wonder if there could be something more, but frankly I did not find his looks appealing. After praying about it and thinking about it, I decided to give the kiss a try, and WOAH!
We've been married twenty years and counting. We've had rough patches but what always gets us through is that I like him, respect his walk with God, really enjoy his company, admire his soccer skills, his way as a father.... 
_____________________________
 "All that is gold does not glitter, not all those who wander are lost..." -J. R. R. Tolkien
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RE: Date a friend??? - 7/29/2008 4:45:44 PM
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coinpurse
Posts: 96
Joined: 5/10/2008
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ShadowSpring,
You had me laughing so hard! Inspiring story.
many years ago, I heard a woman say that if you have to spend the rest of your life kissing somebody, you better be sure you like their kiss...I paid that statement no mind. I thought it was silly, a sexual/superficial comment...and that girl had gotten that advice from her mother. Now, Im not doubting the truth of that so much...Its something to keep in mind!
I used to have this friend I hated to separate from in Junior high...even if we were in the library silently reading in different corners, I loved that we occupied the same space and it was hard to say bye...I didnt know much about relationships then, but I remember telling God that when I do marry that Id like to marry someone who is my best friend like that girl...someone I cant bare to part with and always finding one more thing to do just to stay together...one more book, one more game, one more laugh...
Anyway, Im going on a tangent...but I often remember that because even when I didnt know anything about relationships, I instinctively knew what to ask for...
Life changes, bad communication, misunderstandings, judging, being too lazy to bother with her and at times the friendship being one sided for years...all that over the years killed that friendship!!!! even that reminds me of what can happen when something is not nurtured...
Whether its this guy friend or not that my post is about:) I know it HAS to be a very good friend, one that reflects those exact things I mentioned...so, I do have something great to look forward to...I really dont want to make another friend like that though...I hope its him so I can just call it a day! Id hate to lose this friend to someone else...:)
Thanks for listening! Again, Shadow...LOVED your story!
JaimeStarCross -Yeah, Im still staying away unless theres clarity...its best.
quote:
ORIGINAL: shadowspring
Sounds to me like he earnestly wants to please the Lord. He sought godly counsel and he's taking it into consideration. I'm sorry you felt insulted. I am sure he didn't mean to insult you. He's probably "thinking out loud" about what his counselor-person said.
My dh and I were just friends for many months. I continually reaffirmed that I did not want to lead him on and to expect nothing more. But we were really good friends. I liked him, admired him, respected his walk with God, enjoyed his company...
I began to wonder if there could be something more, but frankly I did not find his looks appealing. After praying about it and thinking about it, I decided to give the kiss a try, and WOAH!
We've been married twenty years and counting. We've had rough patches but what always gets us through is that I like him, respect his walk with God, really enjoy his company, admire his soccer skills, his way as a father....
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RE: Date a friend??? - 7/30/2008 5:41:53 AM
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ebony101
Posts: 727
Joined: 4/1/2007
From: the big blue marble
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I can definitely empathise with your WOAH feelings. I've experienced them too - there's definitely chemistry there. However, just because there's chemistry there, it does not necessarily mean he's the one.
But since you don't want to develop anything with this particular fellow, then maybe you should pull back a bit. You may be sending him mixed signals. Remember, guys tend to act on the signals that we send out. And our signals though they may be clear to us, it's not always perceived in the same way by them.
_____________________________
'We're writing a gospel, a chapter each day,
By the things that we do & the words that we say.'
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RE: Date a friend??? - 7/30/2008 7:10:49 AM
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coinpurse
Posts: 96
Joined: 5/10/2008
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no, no ,no...I DO want to develop something with him now...Im staying away from him because he seems to be backing out now and Im not getting any clarity from him...Im not sure what kind of signal Im sending out to him...No, i didnt know that guys respond according to signals Females send out...I do the opposite most times. I normally react according to what I want, not according to the signal the other person is sending...Im trying to stop doing that though, that behavior has not helped much.
Oh, in the past I have told him that I wasnt interested in him beyond friendship...maybe thats what he is holding on to...I sure know how to sabotage
quote:
ORIGINAL: ebony101
I can definitely empathise with your WOAH feelings. I've experienced them too - there's definitely chemistry there. However, just because there's chemistry there, it does not necessarily mean he's the one.
But since you don't want to develop anything with this particular fellow, then maybe you should pull back a bit. You may be sending him mixed signals. Remember, guys tend to act on the signals that we send out. And our signals though they may be clear to us, it's not always perceived in the same way by them.
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