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Family problems - 5/7/2008 2:25:22 PM
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RichLP
Posts: 1678
Joined: 5/4/2005
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1. How do you deal with manipulative adult siblings?
2. What do you say to an aging parent who is desperate about that manipulative adult sibling's stubborn refusal to 'grow up' and to adopt a more responsible lifestyle - all the more since both parents are aging and the adult siblings/children are not far from the age of 40 (and that manipulative adult sibling just doesn't shape up)?
3. Assuming you have experienced either 1 or 2 or both in your own lives... how did, if at all, getting married and starting your own family affect your dealings with 1 and 2? (not that married life doesn't have its own headaches, but I assume that having a spouse and then your own children takes away your time, energy, and ability to deal with your own immediate family)
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"We have removed an ally of Al Qaeda" - G.W. Bush lies to America and to the world, 5/1/2003
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RE: Family problems - 5/7/2008 3:15:22 PM
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Sadey
Posts: 428
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You read the book Boundaries and start from there. Your adult sibling's didn't get this way by themselves. They had to have someone to manipulate, like maybe mom and dad? When we parents enable a child its not for the child its for us. We feel too bad if we say no so to take what we think is the easy way out, we give in. But as you can see it turns out to be the hardest way.
You can't change your folks and how they relate to your sibling but you can change how you react to the manipulation.
I hope this works out well for you.
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RE: Family problems - 5/7/2008 3:51:40 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 1020
Joined: 9/26/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: RichLP
1. How do you deal with manipulative adult siblings?
Be polite, keep your distance, and watch your back. I wouldn't expect to him to perform ordinary sibling obligations but I would watch for constant little attacks. Tell yourself, "There he goes again." And tell him that he's manipulating and you can't go along with it. Sorry. Keep turning him down.
I have a brother who is like this, only he's violent. I'm a 1000 miles away on purpose.
quote:
2. What do you say to an aging parent who is desperate about that manipulative adult sibling's stubborn refusal to 'grow up' and to adopt a more responsible lifestyle - all the more since both parents are aging and the adult siblings/children are not far from the age of 40 (and that manipulative adult sibling just doesn't shape up)?
You can't change their mind, and you can't ease their fears. Be polite but don't kill yourself trying to get them to think something that you can't make them think. It hurts but it's their choice. Pray like a big dog and let God handle it. Your job is to be God's man and make sure your parents have food and a roof over their heads if they can no longer do that for themselves.
quote:
3. Assuming you have experienced either 1 or 2 or both in your own lives... how did, if at all, getting married and starting your own family affect your dealings with 1 and 2? (not that married life doesn't have its own headaches, but I assume that having a spouse and then your own children takes away your time, energy, and ability to deal with your own immediate family)
My mother insisted that I wasn't allowed any opinion and would disown me if I ever got one. She also insisted it was OK for her to put my kid in danger. Yes, then I did have to stand up and she did disown me. It was her choice, and I protected my kid from harm. It was more important for me to take care of my family than to keep living in chaos with my mother. I used to see her for short periods (before she disowned me) and call her and send cards and gifts on special days. It really made her mad to be kept at arm's distance, but I didn't have much of a choice.
It's a crazy maker, Rich; I feel for you. It's hard not to be bitter over the present day constant drama or the missed love from the past, but God has allowed it and we turn to Him. He will make things right, and the things that hurt us now will be for God's glory when revealed.
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Want to know where a certain word or phrase in the Bible is found? www.biblegateway.com Yay!
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RE: Family problems - 5/7/2008 4:15:00 PM
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RichLP
Posts: 1678
Joined: 5/4/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Sadey
You read the book Boundaries and start from there. Your adult sibling's didn't get this way by themselves. They had to have someone to manipulate, like maybe mom and dad? When we parents enable a child its not for the child its for us. We feel too bad if we say no so to take what we think is the easy way out, we give in. But as you can see it turns out to be the hardest way.
You can't change your folks and how they relate to your sibling but you can change how you react to the manipulation.
I hope this works out well for you.
I did read this book and it has helped. The fact that I live far from this sibling and will never live with him again helps as well.
It's not my parents' fault. He has made plenty of bad decisions and he knows that the consequences were not good. But while I've seen many people make comparably bad decisions in their youth, most have "shaped" up and now live normal enough lives - 9 to 5 jobs, settling down, etc.
_____________________________
"We have removed an ally of Al Qaeda" - G.W. Bush lies to America and to the world, 5/1/2003
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RE: Family problems - 5/7/2008 4:19:37 PM
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RichLP
Posts: 1678
Joined: 5/4/2005
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Deermousie:
This sibling has been involved for years in a relationship which my parents at first supported but now they oppose it; I'll spare details, but the way she's treated him has been such that it has embittered my otherwise godly mother.
I don't know. My parents are aging, we'll all be 40 in a few years, and my parents wish to end their lives on a good note. They're healthy, have enough money in the bank, and have a business going which will keep them fed and secure for a long time to come. So on that front I have nothing to worry about and plenty to give God thanks for. But while health and prosperity are wonderful blessings, it is not good when a family member stubbornly refuses to shape up.
I dont' know. I just had to let this off my chest. Everyone has to grow up at one point.
_____________________________
"We have removed an ally of Al Qaeda" - G.W. Bush lies to America and to the world, 5/1/2003
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RE: Family problems - 5/7/2008 5:33:30 PM
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pbaribeault
Posts: 1016
Joined: 4/29/2005
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I'm thinking that the turning point of this whole problem is that people seem to think that MAS's (manipulative adult sibling) behaviour is something that they can or should do something about. People seem to put a lot of thought and emotion into the choices MAP makes. There is no sense in this approach.
I say this because particularly referencing your parents. Parents who are inappropriately personally invested in someone else's business do things like "support" and "oppose" relationships. In reality, if your MAS dose not like the results of his relationship choices, he is free to choose otherwise. The rest of you are just spectators... and people make unwise choices that end up hurting them all the time. Sympathy is called for, but self-involvement is not.
I wonder what the aging aspect has to do with their perspective. If they are not concerned that they would lack for support from MAS, they must be concerned about something or they wouldn't be all tied up in knots over what he does with his lives.
Do you think it might be a question of how they view their legacy through their MAS? Is it maybe that they think his choices prove that they have done a poor job, and they don't want to go out on a bad note like that? Is it that they have provided his safety net, and that when they go, they are afraid no one will help him out of some kind of dire future?
Both you and your parents might feel more at ease if you simply accept that everyone does NOT have to grow up at some point. Some people are just like this forever. It works for them, and they may not ever change. You can help your parents with that perspective, and it might ease your mother's bitterness somewhat.
You can still care for him without making his business your business. Other than that, quote:
Be polite, keep your distance, and watch your back.
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RE: Family problems - 5/7/2008 5:38:08 PM
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sylvan
Posts: 12
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: RichLP
1. How do you deal with manipulative adult siblings?
2. What do you say to an aging parent who is desperate about that manipulative adult sibling's stubborn refusal to 'grow up' and to adopt a more responsible lifestyle - all the more since both parents are aging and the adult siblings/children are not far from the age of 40 (and that manipulative adult sibling just doesn't shape up)?
3. Assuming you have experienced either 1 or 2 or both in your own lives... how did, if at all, getting married and starting your own family affect your dealings with 1 and 2? (not that married life doesn't have its own headaches, but I assume that having a spouse and then your own children takes away your time, energy, and ability to deal with your own immediate family)
Sadly, I know quite a few 40-somethings floating through life. Some are manipulative and always wanting something, others are simply content. I'm okay with content - people happy with what they have and free of material desires. In contrast, I also know 40-somethings that work a lot, appear to have it together, but are so far in debt w/ new cars, big house, etc. they have no choice but to work all the time. I'd try to leave other peoples lifestyle choice up to them, however when it comes to manipulation I would draw the line. About the only thing you can do is make a conscious decision not to be manipulated. I have found that most manipulators don't respond very well to rational discussion. They know and understand what you're saying, but they just think differently - they're always looking for a way around something or a way out of something. There's a few 40-something manipulators in my life presently, so I'm sure we could exchange some good stories. But, the bottom line is they're always going to be that way. Keep in mind, they are very dangerous people.
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