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From a daughters perspective. - 4/26/2008 11:18:57 PM
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chikita82
Posts: 7
Joined: 4/26/2008
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I know that this forum is directed to those that have children so now I have a question for you mother that are reading this forum. For some time I have struggled with my relationship with my mom. I know am on my own, and live my life very independent as she has taught me to. Although I love my parents and appreciate all that they have done for me, the way I left my home was not in the most peaceful terms. I have tried to reestablish a new relationship with her but find myself always going back and forth with her since she can't undestand how I can be so independent and thinks that i dont' love her because of my decisions to live on my own. As a mother please help me understand or advice me on what to do, it tortures me that she can't have a good relationship with and feels so insecure of her love for me.
Thanks.
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RE: From a daughters perspective. - 4/26/2008 11:36:49 PM
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Memaw.
Posts: 2908
Joined: 1/29/2007
From: Sunflower State
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Honey,
Tell her what you just told us.
It is very hard to let your kids go, especially when the leaving is not during a peaceful time.
I went through this with my 19 year old daughter, and after many weeks of me crying to God, she showed up unexpectedly, hugged me and told me she loved me.
It's our goal to see our kids fly successfully from the nest, but the nest gets lonely sometimes without them.
_____________________________
~Kimmie
 When you go through menopause they don't tell you what you are becoming. I think I'm becoming my Dad.
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RE: From a daughters perspective. - 4/27/2008 12:32:04 AM
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chikita82
Posts: 7
Joined: 4/26/2008
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Thanks for your response. I have in the past shared with her my appologies for our rough edges in our relationship and have told her how much I love her, but she seems to always find a way to measure my love to what I do with my life. My mother needs to constantly compare my love and feels that I need to prove it to her. I do understand her past and where she comes from but it hurts me that although she says she loves me unconditionally continously questions my love to her.
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RE: From a daughters perspective. - 4/27/2008 8:47:28 AM
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csl7037
Posts: 621
Joined: 3/24/2008
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I think the tension between mother and daughter is very common and normal.
First, we lost my mom in a car accident 8 years ago so I would encourage you to not take one minute for granted.
Second, my aunt was recently complaining to me about something my cousin had done and she said "you never treated you mom like that!" and I was like "of course I did!" I was often a giant brat to her, even as a young adult. This was my mother's closest sister and best friend. I was astonished that she thought we were always super tight and got along. Apparently everything I did in my angst to grow up and be independent my mother just took in stride. See, she's still teaching me lessons about being a mother. But the sad thing was that I feel like she and I had just reached the very best place when she died. I was 27 and my first child was 6 months old; I had finally come to realize how much I really did need her. And I lost her.
Third, my best friend's mom is something like you describe your mother. I think she's just worried about you. The longer you're on your own, the older you get, the less worried she'll be, and the more she'll be able to let up a little. Now that my best friend is married (she was single into her 30s which I think freaked her mother out totally), I think her mom has toned it down a bit. Of course she's having a baby this summer so her mom might go kinda crazy again. She means well though and my friend knows to just be patient with her.
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RE: From a daughters perspective. - 4/27/2008 9:03:14 AM
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zoebob
Posts: 8878
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: land of limbo
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Moving from parenting to relationships
_____________________________
L-R: DD1, Ellies DS2, DD2, Ellies DS1
L-R: Ellies DD1, Ellies DD2, DS, Ellies DS3
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RE: From a daughters perspective. - 4/27/2008 10:17:41 AM
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covenant2
Posts: 34
Joined: 2/27/2007
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It might be helpful if you let us know how old you are. If your are 16 years old my suggestions would be one way. If you are 21 then my suggestions might be different.
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RE: From a daughters perspective. - 4/27/2008 11:48:16 AM
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deermousie
Posts: 1184
Joined: 9/26/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: chikita82
she can't undestand how I can be so independent and thinks that i dont' love her because of my decisions to live on my own. As a mother please help me understand or advice me on what to do, it tortures me that she can't have a good relationship with and feels so insecure of her love for me.
Hoo, boy. As a mom, I can identify. My only child, a 19 yo, is leaving for college in 4 months, and she'll probably never live full time with us again. It's killing me because for the last 19 years I've been "on duty" 24/7 and it's a hard habit to quit. Like most parents, I'd crawl across broken glass for her, but now the sacrifice is to let her go (besides, she's a godly young lady with a quick wit and she's a ton of fun to live with!).
After you tell your mom that you love her (I call that "the mother's paycheck"  ) ask her what makes her feel loved. You said the initial leaving was "rough" and that may have communicated rejection; this should be tried to overcome but your mother may not be asking for reassurance that is reasonable (which means, at least in her mind, it won't be overcome). If she asks you to stand on your head and twirl flaming batons, it might be an act of love to do so for her sake. If she wants you to live on your head doing this, no.
I'd plan on little things over a period of time; a card that says, "I've been thinking; thanks for all the times you ________." Maybe once a month take her out to lunch at a semi-nice restaurant or some kicky little place she likes. If she's into cattle auctions (I'm being extreme here, so just take the principle), take her to one every few months. (Yes, I like cattle auctions, but I live on a farm). Find ways that fill her "love cup" in big glubs and lots of little ones. Woo her, so to speak.
It may be that she had a fantasy about giving you up to college or a fancy wedding, and that's a disappointment she's just going to have to get over. Her relationship with you, if held hostage to something like this, isn't within your ability to fix. Be a good daughter who is kind, living a good life, and keeping in touch. We raise our children to fly, and it should be a source of peace and satisfaction that you are living well (I'm assuming you're in school or working, living godly and well).
If your leaving was unkind, ask for her forgiveness. Then live as a godly woman, and let your mom rejoice in that or stew in her juices as she chooses. It's not your job to dedicate your live to make your mother happy, but it's your job to live well and keep in relationship within what God expects (honor - in Hebrew that means "to weigh" or "give thought to" but not be on a leash - love, keeping in touch, maybe asking advice on big issues and factoring into your thinking what she says).
Disappointment may be reasonable. You living all your life as hostage to her wants isn't (is she laying an unreasonable guilt trip on you?). You have to figure out what she wants and whether God would have you do it.
My paycheck, besides hearing my daughter tell me she loves me, is to see her living well and walking with God as an adult. That's what I raised her to do. Children are not permanent roommates to stave off loneliness. I hope your mother can come to this realization and take satisfaction and pride (the good kind, of a job well done) to see you living as an adult because she trained you how to face life and prosper and not fall into open manholes. *I* am proud of you. Thanks for caring enough about your mother to be concerned about this. God bless you, dear heart. I am praying for you today. Go and live well in Jesus.
_____________________________
Want to know where a certain word or phrase in the Bible is found? www.biblegateway.com Yay!
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RE: From a daughters perspective. - 4/28/2008 1:48:42 PM
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chikita82
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I am 26, and thanks for your responses once again. When I said I left at a rough time, I was basically kicked out by my mom because of "church doctines" issues. Although my mother has taught me to be an independent woman, she couldn't accept me growing up nor felt that there needed to be a sense of respect for my personal decisions in my life. My mom comes from a strict "doctined" church and strict (non communicative family) backround. I have chosen to not ignore the issues that we have encountered and the many times that she has chosen the wrong words to express her disagreements with me. THE "fantasy" about me leaving my house married, yes my entire family has that belief. All my aunts (including my mom was married at 19) where as myself, I have chosen to just wait unitl GOD brings the right man for me.
My mother and I never had a relationship and including the times that I tried to express to her my concerns and fears of life, she chose to just address with anger and NOT understanding. I asked her as I was growing up to be a "friend" to me and not just a mother but instead of her agreeing her answer was that I didn't need a friend, she just needed to be a mother. It is hard for me to build a relationship with my mom now that I am not in the house becauase we never had that trust. The trust that I did try to build with her, was broken in her part. And it's been difficult for me to bring myself close to her as I feel that she is not only judgemental but unhappy with my decisions. (please understand when I say decisions, I have not chosen nothing crazy for my life, I work, attend church {not the one I was raised in any longer} )
I love my mom dearly and continue to pray to GOD that I may be able to establish a respectful communication with her.
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RE: From a daughters perspective. - 4/28/2008 2:03:10 PM
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chikita82
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Joined: 4/26/2008
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quote:
Disappointment may be reasonable. You living all your life as hostage to her wants isn't (is she laying an unreasonable guilt trip on you?). You have to figure out what she wants and whether God would have you do it.
Guilt is the key problem with my mom and I. My life has revolved on "if you do this its bc u love me". Worst of all is that it has also gone to the point where my mother has questioned my love for GOD. Stating, "I don't know if you are really following GOD's will, since you are acting this way". I have been praying because I need GOD to just continue to reassure me in my faith and in "myself"... I have so much to learn.
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RE: From a daughters perspective. - 4/29/2008 3:30:34 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 1184
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quote:
ORIGINAL: chikita82
Guilt is the key problem with my mom and I. My life has revolved on "if you do this its bc u love me". Worst of all is that it has also gone to the point where my mother has questioned my love for GOD. Stating, "I don't know if you are really following GOD's will, since you are acting this way". I have been praying because I need GOD to just continue to reassure me in my faith and in "myself"... I have so much to learn.
Once again: hoo, boy. I'm sorry, Chikita, that you've had to live with this. I understand, because this kind of thing is my background, too, and it's hard. Hard.
First of all, you sound like a fine young Christian woman whom I would be proud to be the mother of. You've thought things through and have separated God's reasonable wants for you from your mother's unreasonable wants.
Ideally, the mother is the giver for the first part of life, and teaches the child (who initially is a taker) how to be a giver. The mother sacrifices her wants (new car versus baby things, slim body versus pregnant/nursing body, fancy restaurant versus McDonalds with play area, interesting things to do versus nurturing/educational things for the kid to do). The kids are to grow up and sacrifice themselves for their kids. Yes, we do things for our parents, fellowship with them and take care of them when they are old, but we aren't slaves to their emotional demands.
It sounds to me like your mother may have put her twisted emotional wants ahead of your welfare (been there, done that, didn't even get a t-shirt). Children don't have to "prove" their love to make their mothers feel good, but are to receive unconditional, self-sacrificing love so they can grow up to be whole persons. As a mother, I can tell you that watching my adult daughter take on life competently with a biblical worldview and godly goals is the thrill of my life. That is my "paycheck." My daughter isn't responsible for my happiness, but her relationship with God makes me happy. In contrast, my mother saw me as a failure because... she wanted to, I guess. Who knows (I'm the first college grad, the first college teacher, the first stable marriage... wasn't good enough for her). But your mother also is missing the boat, and you are saavy enough to know it.
Your mother's view on God's will sounds twisted and unscriptural from what you've said. She can't see inside your heart, and your actions don't match up to her expectations (whatever they are, but to me her values are highly suspect). If your actions match up to maturing Christianity, then you're on the way, and that's fine.
If you are not entertaining sin but kicking it out as soon as you're on to it, desiring to do things God's way, getting into the Word daily and taking it seriously, and looking out for others as well as yourself, then I can't see how anyone can say you are out of the will of God.
Look at the promise of the Bible: your sin is forgiven. If you believe this then you can crawl into God's lap and relax because He loves you. He said so (Isaiah 43:4, and it's inferred in lots of places). Yeah, if someone says you're blowing it, look at it and see if it's true, and if it isn't then consider the source. Your real Source says you're forgiven.
And we all have so much to learn. The prize goes to the person who knows it and pursues God and is teachable all their life. Like you! Like me.
God often works through our parents, but sometimes we just have to pat our mothers on the head, think, "There she goes again" and just pray for them. We have to discern what matches up with Scripture and what is just selfishness on their part. We give them some of our time, our thoughts, our heart-felt prayers, and humor them where we can and stand up to them in matters that God makes a stand on. My mother never did come around, I was always the failure (in contrast, my bad-tempered, never-employed, womanizing sibling was the apple of her eye, whom she thought was wonderful. Go figure). But my daughter didn't have to grow up with this, and never will your children as you determine to do things God's way. Somehow I don't have any doubt about that.
Keep on keeping on, obeying God and rejoicing in Him. God bless you, dear heart, and I give you my blessing, too.
_____________________________
Want to know where a certain word or phrase in the Bible is found? www.biblegateway.com Yay!
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RE: From a daughters perspective. - 4/29/2008 9:49:55 PM
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csl7037
Posts: 621
Joined: 3/24/2008
Status: online
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quote:
My mother and I never had a relationship and including the times that I tried to express to her my concerns and fears of life, she chose to just address with anger and NOT understanding. I asked her as I was growing up to be a "friend" to me and not just a mother but instead of her agreeing her answer was that I didn't need a friend, she just needed to be a mother. It is hard for me to build a relationship with my mom now that I am not in the house becauase we never had that trust. The trust that I did try to build with her, was broken in her part. And it's been difficult for me to bring myself close to her as I feel that she is not only judgemental but unhappy with my decisions. (please understand when I say decisions, I have not chosen nothing crazy for my life, I work, attend church {not the one I was raised in any longer} )
I love my mom dearly and continue to pray to GOD that I may be able to establish a respectful communication with her.
I can relate your story more to the relationship I have with my father than with my mother (in parts). But just keep in mind that NO parent is perfect. Every parent has to parent through their own weaknesses, misconceptions, and failings. I think when a child comes to a maturity level to realize and appreciate the parent's intentions, letting go of the impefectness of the job they (inevitably) did and takes responsibility for the person they've become because of AND in spite of their parents, the there comes a freedom in the parent/adult-child relationship that takes it to a new, deeper level. That's the road it sounds like you're on. Understandably, there may be unique roadblocks in your situation and in your mother's own life and perspective. But try to be patient with her and just pray that in time the Lord brings you to an easier place with her.
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RE: From a daughters perspective. - 4/29/2008 9:53:12 PM
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csl7037
Posts: 621
Joined: 3/24/2008
Status: online
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quote:
Guilt is the key problem with my mom and I. My life has revolved on "if you do this its bc u love me". Worst of all is that it has also gone to the point where my mother has questioned my love for GOD. Stating, "I don't know if you are really following GOD's will, since you are acting this way". I have been praying because I need GOD to just continue to reassure me in my faith and in "myself"... I have so much to learn.
You're describing a deep-rooted spiritual bondage that has her thinking this way. Consider it miracle that you've not fallen into that or let that be brought into your spirit (guard against it). But be patient with her. You can't just make her see that this is what she's doing or why she shouldn't think or relate to you on these terms. It comes as naturally to her as breathing. Just be aware of it, patient with her, and continue to be wary of this kind of thinking in yourself.
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RE: From a daughters perspective. - 4/30/2008 1:50:26 PM
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chikita82
Posts: 7
Joined: 4/26/2008
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Awesome, thanks. You guys have reassured what I have been told. I have been told that my problem is that I want things "different" between my mother and I, and think that i can change that. When in reality the only one that can do this is GOD, I will be patient because I do not (when it happens) for my children to see my relationship with my mother negatively. I know that as I have never expected perfection from my mother and on the other hand, am learning so much about GOD's unconditional love and mercy towards "me" as an imperfect human, that how am I to judge anyone else. However, being raised in a judegemental enviroment the breakage from all of this, and seeing GOD's real love towards us has taught me so much. Just please keep me in your prayers, I need to pray and trust GOD that HE will do as he needs to in our lives. Thanks again!
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