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How do you let your kids know they are wrong? - 7/13/2008 1:27:51 PM
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Krizstina
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I have a child that is 6 months soon, we want firm rules that he can follow... Is there anyone with a good advice for stubborn children? Because our son already shows a lot of temperament and stubbornness. I worry that day when especially my in-laws would let him do whatever he wants. And not follow strict rules... Our son will be brought up as a believer in Jesus Christ. I'd be grateful for any advice.. How to teach a young baby/child how to behave and not to act selfishly.
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RE: How do you let your kids know they are wrong? - 7/13/2008 1:52:21 PM
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Yetto1997
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I have found that keeping in mind the child's age and development will save you a heap of frustration in the long run. I have a 17 month old and remember when he started to exhibit the "temperament and stubbornness". What seemed like willful defiance at times was really just an appreciation of a new found freedom. Learning to crawl, walk, and understand his environment in general were all great milestones for him. But those wonderful abilities were also sources of frustration when he couldn't understand our enforcing rules for his safety. I have found that a lot of patience and understanding have helped me stay sane. Not to mention utter consistency in the rules that we try to maintain in our home. Once my son understood the expectations that we have for him at home, they were far easier to enforce everywhere else. Infants and toddlers don't have peachy keen memories. It just isn't something their little bodies have developed yet. At times it may seem like their heads are like sieves, but it is then that your patient and loving reminder of the rules will pay off.
I am looking forward to following your thread and learning from the rest of the parents with older children. Good luck and God Bless!
_____________________________
"Be on your gaurd, stand firm in faith, be a man of courage, be strong, do everything in love." ~1 Corinthians 16:13-14
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RE: How do you let your kids know they are wrong? - 7/13/2008 4:24:27 PM
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garsyt
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I think it might help you to look at your baby's qualities in a positive way. What you see as stubbornness - determination. Temperment - resolve.
I guess I need more information - I'm having trouble picturing a 6 month old, pretty much immobile little one showing stubbornness. He's probably crying a lot? Wanting attention and interaction? Not sleeping when you want him too? Spitting out food?
Crying a lot - basically that means he's frustrated - there are things he wants to be able to do that he simply can't yet. He simply doesn't have the vocabulary or means to tell you what he wants.
Wanting attention and interaction - well who doesn't want attention from time to time? at this stage of life what else is there?
Sleeping - like Shadow stated above it may take time - they are young, have extremely short memories. And really you can't really (without drugging anyway) MAKE a person sleep, regardless of their age. Reassuring them that you are around is your best bet.
Spitting out food - well that's a learning experience too as well as they are still developing those muscles and their coordination yet.
Enjoy this baby.
I can assure you that as that baby grows things are not going to get any easier - simply different. Different challenges at every age - not easier, just different.
Mine are now 14, 10, 9 and my baby is 7 years old! The years pass so quickly - enjoy those years, and relax a little bit.
Blessings,
Garsy
_____________________________
My Blog: www.moredayslikethisplease.wordpress.com
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RE: How do you let your kids know they are wrong? - 7/13/2008 5:24:28 PM
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pbaribeault
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I agree with absolutely everything above... but I also have an answer to your question, because I think maybe you are just thinking ahead and trying to lay a good foundation now, just in case you see the difficult behaviour that you fear may be coming.
The thing that you can do for the next 6 months is to teach the words that you intend to use (later) as command words. Many parents use 'no' for anything. To me, that's not clear and not fair. It is far better to tell the child what you want them to do, rather then the child have to guess at what they are doing wrong.
So, some basic command words for babies:
Bend (relax your limbs and allow me to move them... useful when dressing & putting in car seats)
Release (open your hand and let the object go, and/or don't pick that up)
Come (come to me, come away from something, back away from something)
Still (be still, lay still, sit still)
At this age you are not giving commands and expecting any response from the baby. You are teaching. Only. Just the meaning of the words. You say the word, then you demonstrate the meaning of the word by doing the response for the baby, moving the baby's body as the baby would when he/she learns how to respond to commands. This is very gentle. It is not a punishment. It is not even training. It's just learning a vocabulary of response.
Commands are not conversation, so you should not really use them in your regular speech. And never, ever, ever say them as a command then not follow through with the demonstration. You are trying to teach, when that word is said, the action happens. Every time. If you don't really mind if they carry on, just don't say anything. If you are not going to act, at least don't water down the power of your command words.
This will make resistance less likely in the toddler years, because there are just certain words that always lead to the action taking place. There's not a lot of room for questioning it if it has always worked that way. So, starting early is OK.
Also, never make a command word that you can not demonstrate compliance for the baby, using the baby's body. For example, unless you are willing to put your hand over a baby's mouth and force it shut (NOT NOT NOT recommending this!!!!) then you can not have a "be quiet" command. You teach about quiet differently (noticing when the baby is quiet and telling them that that is what quiet means) but you can not command quietness until you enter a consequence-based system in later years.
Giving commands that you can't make happen to a baby who has no comprehension of how your authority works is just going to make those words meaningless to them. Authority is established in the young mind by constant repetition of what always happens. (Forcefulness is not at all useful here) So if you want your authority to be firmly established, don't try use your words to control things that you can't follow through directly on what you said.
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RE: How do you let your kids know they are wrong? - 7/13/2008 11:42:13 PM
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Yetto1997
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That was some great advice pbaribeault, thanks!
_____________________________
"Be on your gaurd, stand firm in faith, be a man of courage, be strong, do everything in love." ~1 Corinthians 16:13-14
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RE: How do you let your kids know they are wrong? - 7/14/2008 4:33:35 AM
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Krizstina
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Thanks Yetto1997 and pbaribeault I truly needed these advice. I still feel worried though. Because I know I needed firm rules as a kid all the up-bringing years, we all do, and I want the child to understand what I and my husband mean. We have decided that we are a team, many parents are not, so then the child go to one parent and for example ask for ice-cream, the mom says no, the dad says yes. This is confusing for the child.. So we have decided that if I say no, he says no and if he says no to something I say no. What I fear the most is that most kids are selfish, by nature. The parents has to teach the kid to be unselfish. HOW do we do that? Any concrete advice?
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RE: How do you let your kids know they are wrong? - 7/14/2008 9:36:11 AM
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pbaribeault
Posts: 1111
Joined: 4/29/2005
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All humans are selfish by nature. Unselfishness can not be taught. Unselfishness comes 3 ways.
1) False unselfishness... "I will get into trouble if I do not do what my mom said I should."
2) Empathy-based unselfishness... "What would I feel in the other person's shoes?"
3) Spiritually-motivated unselfishness... "I genuinely love the person and feel right in putting them first."
Fruit of the Spirit develop after conversion in conjunction with a soundly developing faith. It's not an option for a parent of a youngster to rely on this.
Empathy develops later that you think. It is a complicated use of the imagination (what if?) and depends on a systematic understanding of their own feelings and the causes for them (what sorts of things make me feel what sorts of ways?). It also requires the basic understanding of that inside another 'person' is an actual person with feelings, and what happens to them is just as real as what happens to me, even though I can't see it.
Babies, obviously, don't get this. The surprising thing is neither do toddlers. It's impossible based on their brain development and emotional development. You can begin to see and encourage it somewhere beyond 2 years old. Until then you have to rely on "false" unselfishness and simply mandate proper behaviour and supervise well. The are not going to grasp 'being nice' as a rule and carry on obeying it. There is no sense in trying to teach it or in attacking the character of a small child because of something that is beyond their ability to comprehend,
To build a foundation for this to happen well, and perhaps a little earlier. you can teach feeling words. Real words that are accurate: not just happy and sad, but disappointed, angry, confused, lonely etc. This helps them get ahold of the idea of feelings, which helps with empathy (and self control and less helpless meltdowns). Read books about children that have feelings, etc.
For now, also you should be modeling and talking about when you are unselfish... (you might want to use 'kind'... it's simpler vocabulary for discussion with a child.) and why, because you thought about what the other person might feel etc. Also talk about the feelings of other people and children around you, or in stories (not on TV - the 'people' there are not real, and the point is to try to convince the child that other people are real.)
Later, as the imagination develops, encourage it like crazy! Playing pretend games where your child is something/someone else is very powerful for developing the part of the brain that actually can use someone else's shoes. If possible, encourage the child to switch characters with you as you play.
Please, please try to remember that your baby is not at this time an active follower of God. It is not your job to make them behave like a Christian when they do not know Christ (not that they should not be taught about God & Jesus) they are little sinners and will be converted when they come to faith. Then they will be shining examples of every virtue. For now, you are working on managing their behaviour, civilizing them and shaping their character... it is wise to pick your goals with that in mind.
I'm going to give you some book recommendations that have really shaped me:
Order them now:
Parents in Charge: Dana Chidekel (non Christian but plenty of wisdom)
Grace Based Parenting: Tim Kimmel (critical spiritual foundation, but less practical)
Maybe later:
Boundaries with Kids: Cloud & Townsend
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