|
Users viewing this topic:
none
|
|
Login  | |
|
It Seemed Like a Normal Day - 4/20/2008 9:59:22 AM
|
|
|
funny_girl
Posts: 787
Status: offline
|
My 16 year old son wrote this and is passing it around myspace. Ok critics, what do you think?
It seemed like a normal day, where I had a normal life, a normal job, and a normal home and life style. I was once known as Kylie Robertson, but my name and all that I once was no longer matters. I’m one of the few survivors of the events and things that have yet to be told. It was a Wednesday morning in my apartment; I lived on Bakers Street in the city of Chicago, on the 3rd floor. It wasn’t a large yet not a small one, was really just about the right size for a 21 year old woman. I really wouldn’t have thought that in such a short time it all could be lost. I looked outside through my window looked like a really beautiful day; no one would have guessed it would turn into a tragedy. Thousands of people in my sight yet in a mater of seconds half of them were gone. How could we have known? How could we have not known? It’s one of those things that is so obvious yet is so hard to understand. The disappearance of what we thought was thousands turned into millions, in a blink of an eye the world we knew and had dreams and hopes for was lost forever. To think that I didn’t think anything was beyond our world, and here it takes millions in less then a second.
What happened was later researched and was in fact foretold before it happened. Jesus? Sure I thought he was just a good teacher, boy was I wrong. When he came back he took more with him then the world could bare. People and the thing we had long grown accustomed to, how can we become accustomed to something so great and yet think so little of it? How could we think so little of the connection we had with the creator of the world and yet never realize it was there? Well it’s gone now, and it’s the people of this world that’s paying for it. Cities in ruins people starving to death, war in the streets. We can no longer sell or purchase anything without what they call “Safety” an implant into your right hand or forehead. This carries every kind of info of yourself that you can imagine, but what I know and few know. If you take this so called “Safety” you’re condemning yourself for eternity. Inside of this implant marks the numbers 666, and if you refuse to take it, well they say if not the implant how about a bullet instead. You know it seamed so easy the life of a Christian, but to think before Jesus came back there was already people living a life just like this, just because they cared the name Jesus in them. *loud door shut* guard walks to cell, Kylie its time said the guard. The two walk threw a secured door and down a long hall way were they came to a stop in front of another door. *walky-talky sound* all-righty open the door, said the guard. *door opens and shuts behind them*. Over their said the guard pointing to a wall red stained with blood. Kylie walks over in front of the wall, and another guard walks up to her. It doesn’t have to end this way Mrs. Robertson, just take the implant and we’ll let you go, said the guard. I’ll never take the implant, Jesus is lord I know he is, responded Kylie. Sorry it has to be this way, walking away the guard nods to a solder who then lifts up his rifle and fires. The body of a lifeless woman falls to the floor, with a thump.
Where am I? Kylie Robertson said a voice. Yes? You have taken my name to yourself even when you could not see me or feel me and did not deny me like so many have. Come and walk with me in the presence of my father in heaven.
IT WOULD BE GREAT IF YOU REPLIED TO ME TO TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK
_____________________________
"...bad report and good report; genuine, yet regarded as imposters; known yet regarded as unknown...poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything." II Corinthians 6:8-10
|
|
|
|
|
RE: It Seemed Like a Normal Day - 4/20/2008 6:08:34 PM
|
|
|
techne
Posts: 528
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: funny_girl
My 16 year old son wrote this and is passing it around myspace. Ok critics, what do you think?
...
IT WOULD BE GREAT IF YOU REPLIED TO ME TO TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK
i'm not sure what you want -- do you want critique of the writing, grammar, style, genre, content, theology? is it a screenplay, short short story, proem (prose-poem)? are you sure you want to submit your son's work for critique (and does he even want the piece critiqued)?
_____________________________
And when people cease to believe that there is good and evil
Only beauty will call to them and save them
So that they still know how to say: this is true and that is false.
One more day by Czeslaw Milosz
|
|
|
|
|
RE: It Seemed Like a Normal Day - 4/20/2008 8:19:53 PM
|
|
|
funny_girl
Posts: 787
Status: offline
|
I don't know too much about this area. He needs an editor for sure! I like the idea he has and it was funny when it turned into some kind of play by the directions he began to give. He's exploring through writing and I'm sure this topic is close to his heart.
How about thoughts about the content?
_____________________________
"...bad report and good report; genuine, yet regarded as imposters; known yet regarded as unknown...poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything." II Corinthians 6:8-10
|
|
|
|
|
RE: It Seemed Like a Normal Day - 4/28/2008 9:17:10 PM
|
|
|
Novalist
Posts: 538
Joined: 6/3/2006
Status: offline
|
Well as for the content it was unbelievable, that is so cool that your sixteen year old son is writing about Christ like he is and sharing it with others on My space what a wonderful heart your son must have. As for the work itself there are quite a few grammatical errors and although it has a beginning middle and end it is not fleshed out if you will and I wouldn't expect it to get published or admired for witty prose and spectacular skill. As a writer I love descriptive details and believable backgrounds and well defined characters that can speak for themselves and none of that was in there. Not that it isn't a good message it is but it could be far more powerful and eye catching if it was filled in with a story. If you get what I'm saying. It's hard for us to critique it because:
1. You aren't the writer which makes it feel weird to pass judgement or advice or criticism through you.
2. He is sixteen and obviously we don't want to discourage him because there aren't many sixteen year old GUYS out there who love to share God, especially by writing.
3. We don't know what he was writing it as, if it was a novel it is missing three hundred pages, if it was a short story it needs more body, if it was a poem it needs rhythm and if it was an observation or quick thought its cool. What does your son hope to gain or do with this writing, what does he want to use it for? If you answer some of those questions we can better define and/or give advice on how to get it there or finish it, or make it the best it can be.
_____________________________
Live life to the fullest and it will never become empty.
Although one picture speaks a thousand words, a thousand words make a better picture.
Reading is the art of seeing the pictures between the lines.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: It Seemed Like a Normal Day - 4/28/2008 11:28:30 PM
|
|
|
techne
Posts: 528
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
|
yeah.
_____________________________
And when people cease to believe that there is good and evil
Only beauty will call to them and save them
So that they still know how to say: this is true and that is false.
One more day by Czeslaw Milosz
|
|
|
|
 New Messages |
 No New Messages |
 Hot Topic w/ New Messages |
 Hot Topic w/o New Messages |
 Locked w/ New Messages |
 Locked w/o New Messages |
|
 Post New Thread
Reply to Message
Post New Poll
Submit Vote
Delete My Own Post
Delete My Own Thread
Rate Posts |
|
|
Forum Tools
Printable Version
