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Lovingly confronting care group leader? - 5/22/2008 1:44:00 PM
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admill0
Posts: 11
Joined: 2/21/2007
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My husband and I are struggling with one of our care group leaders (the wife). Its just little things really that have built up. We are even considering going to a new care group.
Here are the things that we have let build up: rolling her eyes at my noisy almost 2 yr old, a couple of digs at my hubby like "what did your husband do this time?" insists on playing in field on the church softball team though it is moral crushing for the rest of the team because she cant catch or throw and this is the first yr we have a chance to win a game in five yrs. and insist on having a part in every event in the church then bragging about how others have complimented her.
I'm so not calm about this lady and want very little to do with her.
Anyway her husband it a good man and prayer warrier and we do not want disrespect or hurt anyone in the body of Christ. But boy am I boiling over this lady. ARGH! I need to go read my Bible now!
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RE: Lovingly confronting care group leader? - 5/22/2008 3:04:56 PM
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ChoirDJ
Posts: 315
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From: So Cal
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I think you intuitively know what you need to do based on the title of this thread. Now go out and do it.
_____________________________
Live each day as though it were your last for one day you will be right.
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RE: Lovingly confronting care group leader? - 5/22/2008 4:23:30 PM
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csl7037
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Personally, I don't think confronting her is the right thing. If it were an issue of some kind of open sin in her life (at most, all there probably is here is pride), then I think you'd be obligated to confront her. But it sounds more like you're talking about a personality issue. I'd be looking for a new cell group if it were me.
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RE: Lovingly confronting care group leader? - 5/22/2008 4:51:25 PM
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ChoirDJ
Posts: 315
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From: So Cal
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I should add that it depends on what you mean by the word "confront." Some people use this term to mean having a talk with someone about an issue of concern (which I presume you intend to do) whereas others think it means to strongly admonish someone under the presumption that person is in unrepented of sin. I have found the gentler approach to be the most effective by far because if you see the character flaw, chances are someone else does as well and may have already called her on it. I would try to work it out before going to a different care group though.
_____________________________
Live each day as though it were your last for one day you will be right.
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RE: Lovingly confronting care group leader? - 5/22/2008 6:01:34 PM
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preserved
Posts: 1263
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Why have you not approached her with how you feel? How is she going to realize how she is affecting those who are around her if all you and perhaps others do is talk about her...Where is the Love?
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RE: Lovingly confronting care group leader? - 5/22/2008 10:45:32 PM
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pbaribeault
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I think, perhaps, you might start a series of mini-confrontations, simply by telling her how you are reacting to what she is doing... Not all that she has done in a point-form list, but the next time she does something, pray, evaluate your own reaction, prepare yourself to speak clearly and kindly, then phone her (or take her aside) and tell her your own reaction to what just happened.
So, next time she rolls her eyes at your toddler, after taking time, you could say to her, "You know, today during the group, I had a few moments where I felt humiliated and strongly unwelcome." (Really, what happened?) "It was when Billy dropped that noisy toy and it crashed really loud. I saw your reaction, and I got the impression that you might like the group time better without him, or that maybe you think that a better mom would be able to prevent that kind of thing." ... "It's just that Billy and I are connected, and I can't be cared for without him being around. When I get the impression that somewhere is not the place for kids, then it's not the place for me either. That's why I felt unwelcome."
In this way, let nothing pass. You are doing her a favour by letting her know how she effects those around her, and she will become a better leader and a more aware and compassionate individual if you are willing to be open in this way.
However, taking time to evaluate what you are reacting to might prevent you from taking her aside to say, "You know your softball skills aren't really up to the standards of this team, and I don't think it's fair for you to have fun and build your relationship with your husband at the expense of us maybe winning some piddly Christian league title this year." (Talk about feeling unwelcome! If skill is important, hold try-outs. If it's a fun game for all comers, don't let your hard feelings make you spiteful.)
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RE: Lovingly confronting care group leader? - 5/23/2008 1:35:18 AM
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admill0
Posts: 11
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I've come to a realization. Yeah let her play where she wants if it means so much to her. (her hubby doesnt play much)
If she tries telling my husband (through me) how she wants the team coached anymore or whatever organized I'll politely listen with a good sense of humor and an openess to new ideas.
My gut says run to a new care group and wash my hands of her because she'll only cause us trouble. but something else says " You'll grow if you can stick it out and nip her little comments in the bud.
If I do talk to her it will be like" hey did you roll your eyes at my little girl during a noisy moment? ....if so....I have to tell you that hurt my heart...when i mention my baby dislocated her elbow and you said "what did your husband do to her?" that didnt sound right ((and he wasnt even there)) or that other comment you made about him.........zach and I feel it would be healthier for us to seek new shepards .....but i still want to go garage saleing with you on saturdays so dont hate me to much. how is that?
FYI she has a little girl 2yrs older than mine. but my little girl cant seem to behave like she would like.
i do want to be loving to her because she has made such a huge effort to be my friend its almost embarrasing. its my hubby she doesnt seem to like he is also a youth leader in the church and has significantly surpassed her in popularity with all the kids.
< Message edited by admill0 -- 5/23/2008 2:26:38 AM >
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RE: Lovingly confronting care group leader? - 5/23/2008 10:03:48 AM
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pbaribeault
Posts: 1097
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I don't think you should confront anything that has already happened. People have short memories, and she probably doesn't even remember those "joking" comments.
Even if you choose to transition to another care group, there is no need to comment about those past things.
If you stay, wait until the NEXT incident, then, after praying a bit and thinking it through, say something like what you typed, but only about the thing that just happened.
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RE: Lovingly confronting care group leader? - 5/28/2008 9:57:27 PM
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admill0
Posts: 11
Joined: 2/21/2007
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You're right Pbaribeault I shouldnt bring up that old stuff. But at this last care group she did her eye rolling thing again this time when talking about a leader in our church who my hubby and I happen to love and respect with good reason.
Anyway I want to call her and say "hey girl whats with the eye rolling i noticed tues ..... come on now"
and thats as far as I've gotten not sure if I should say " come one now God put him where he is dont go on disrespecting in front of the whole care group"....or ......... " you know rolling your eyes in front of the whole care group that you tend to lead doesnt do you any good" ( ikes Lord give me wisedom my group garage saleing days are as good as over).
< Message edited by admill0 -- 5/28/2008 10:04:25 PM >
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RE: Lovingly confronting care group leader? -I did it! - 5/29/2008 11:05:09 AM
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admill0
Posts: 11
Joined: 2/21/2007
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I did it!. It went well I laid it all on the line and begged her not to hate me. She cried apologized and asked me to give her signals at care group if she rolls her eyes again. We agreed not to spread our conversation further than our husbands. End of story And we are still on for the group garage saleing on saturdays! yeah! Praise the Lord for all His wonderfulness to His children that dispite our differences He has made a way for us to get along! Amen! WHo Hooo!! I can now go jogging without grumbling about her! Yeah I'm Free!
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RE: Lovingly confronting care group leader? - 5/29/2008 11:39:59 AM
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jaimestarcross
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Joined: 11/28/2005
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quote:
when i mention my baby dislocated her elbow and you said "what did your husband do to her?" that didnt sound right ((and he wasnt even there)
*You never let something like this go by... this type of thing is very harmful indeed!
***I see you've finally talked to her about her the situation and the hurtful comments she's made... I do hope she's going to improve on foolish talk/coarse jesting.
The Bible tells us not to engage in such talk (Ephesians 5:3-4).
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RE: Lovingly confronting care group leader? - 5/29/2008 1:16:41 PM
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Miril
Posts: 117
Joined: 5/28/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: jaimestarcross
quote:
when i mention my baby dislocated her elbow and you said "what did your husband do to her?" that didnt sound right ((and he wasnt even there)
*You never let something like this go by... this type of thing is very harmful indeed!
***I see you've finally talked to her about her the situation and the hurtful comments she's made... I do hope she's going to improve on foolish talk/coarse jesting.
The Bible tells us not to engage in such talk (Ephesians 5:3-4).
quote:
I do h
I agree with Jaime here, be very careful as it seems this woman is emotionally abusive and doesn't even know it by her response of crying. Or maybe she does and doesn't know how to control it.
Something is going on inside her.
She may have some demons of her own she is fighting.
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