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Need SERIOUS prayer & advice - 3/17/2008 10:07:15 PM
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Striving2BVirtuous
Posts: 37
Joined: 3/15/2008
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I don't know where to start...so I'm just going to list a few things that I have been through with my mother that is now built up and caused ALOT of anger and hurt up until this point in my adulthood. (and this list does not include everything, but the following are just key highlights)
1. Forced me on birth control in the 7th grade against my will. Now mind you, I didnt loose my virginity until college. (Yes, I know from a biblical stand point that it was wrong and I have since repented and was saved)
2. She was married to my step father for 17 years who said and did inappropriate things to me in a sexual nature. (no penetration, but there was plenty of touching and he showed me my first pornographic movie) My mother found a letter that I wrote to a friend about this and came and asked me about what was writen. I told her everything. And she stayed with him. Years pass, and she then FLIPS everything around and accuses ME of sleeping with her husband. And it even got to a point where she inserted her fingers inside of me to see if HIS secretions where inside of me. (that was very traumatic for me and even my stepfather had not taken his inappropriate contact with me THAT far.)
3. She left my stepfather AFTER I was in college and living on campus. She took my baby brother and left town and didnt tell anybody (including me), didnt tell anybody that she was leaving or where she was going. She didnt bother to tell me goodbye and didnt bother to ask me if I wanted to go and didnt bother to see if I needed anything before she just took off. And did not provide ME her daughter, with any information about where she was going or how I could contact her.
4. 1 year later, she sends my (at that time) 13 year old brother back to visit my grandmother for a week and a roundtrip ticket was purchased for him to fly right back to my mother at the end of the week. When the time came to put my brother back on the plane, my mother was nowhere to be found and my brother ended up staying there with my stepfather and still does until this very day. (9 years later) My brother has issues with this and has even asked my mother over the phone (because her refuses to see her), he has asked her "Mom, why did you do that? Did you not want me?"
5. She gets re-married while I was in college and spends 4 years in Germany. (I have no problem with this part, I want her to have a life and be happy) She comes back from Germany and about a semester later, I finally graduated from college. THIS is what hurt me: She didnt come to my college graduation because according to her "my husband and I have been traveling to visit family every since we got back in the states and I don't feel like traveling anywhere else". (I was in Texas at the time and she was in Missouri at the time.) That's what? About a 2 hour flight? AND I was the first one in my family to graduate from college and AGAIN...SHE WASNT THERE.
6. Last, my father just passed away about 3 weeks ago. I was hurt yet again, because my mother did not come to the funeral to support me and she didnt even go through the motions of offering to come for support. We had a terrible argument today and she said "I not going to drop what I'm doing just to come and support you. You are doing just fine." and she also proceeded to tell me that my feelings don't matter and that the world does not care about my feelings. I responded to her by saying "Of course the world does not care about my feelings. And that's exactly why I should be able to turn to my MOTHER out of all people, for support" I didnt' have my baby brother there with me (we have didnt father's), I'm not married, so there was no husband there to support me. I never knew my father's side of the family very well at all and just recently started to get to know them as a result of my father's illness. In other words, I felt like I was there all alone. (my grandfather went, simply out of convinience because he lives in the same small town and I was VERY grateful to have him there.)
So....after all of that.....I'm ANGRY and HURTING. And tonight, I lost my temper and yelled at her and didnt hold any of my hurt and pain back. I feel like she's never been there for me the way that a mother should. There was NEVER an emotional mother/child bond. And when she wasnt there to support me during my father's (not my stepfather) funeral, that put the icing on the cake. Tonight, I prayed and asked God for forgiveness for yelling at my mother. I apologize for yelling, but I don't feel bad for anything that I said because it was the truth.
I dont know how to navigate through years of pent-up anger, hurt & pain and it's taking it's toll. And if there are any mother's out there who can help me understand HER view point or help me understand the way that SHE feels as a parent and as a mother, then that would be great. I just don't know what to do. (and if my age matters, I am now 28 yrs old.)
(And I am Sooooooo very sorry for the length of this post)
< Message edited by Striving2BVirtuous -- 3/17/2008 10:16:01 PM >
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RE: Need SERIOUS prayer & advice - 3/18/2008 12:01:30 AM
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AuthorOfMyFaith
Posts: 47
Joined: 2/5/2008
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Father God, I pray that my sister be healed from her emotional pain of abuse, neglect and abandonment. I pray that you will heal her and place an overwhelming spirit of forgiveness in her heart. Also, Lord I pray that you will bless her future relationships. In Jesus Holy Name, Amen.
Striving,
Pray, pray and pray some more. The Lord WILL heal you. Pray for forgiveness for your mother and step father. I am a christian first but I am also in Alcoholics Anonymous. One of the best things I have learned in AA is that forgiveness is not about the other person. If you can forgive, you will be in for some tremendous healing. Also, I don't know if your mother, brother and step-father are saved, but I would pray for their salvation. I have been a victim of abuse in my life too and I pray for my abusers as often as I can. My forgiveness prayer goes something like this:
Lord, I pray for (name here). I pray that you will find a way for them to be saved and receive Jesus Christ as their savior. I know that (name here) is your precious child and it hurts you that they do not know you. Satan has them dissillusioned, just as I once was. I know that you can save them just as you saved me. Thank you Father. Amen.
Anyway, try it, you might be surprised. It was very hard for me to do at first because I was so angry, but with time it has really healed me.
_____________________________
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. I will be found by you," declares the Lord, "and will bring you back from captivity.
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RE: Need SERIOUS prayer & advice - 3/18/2008 12:11:44 AM
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agapetos
Posts: 5366
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: This side of the lil duck pond!
Status: online
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quote:
I dont know how to navigate through years of pent-up anger, hurt & pain and it's taking it's toll. I have some years on you and I had a lot of issues with my family, both as a child and as an adult ~ yes, even a Christian.
I've just finished a course of therapy and I found it really beneficial. It helped me to see how events in my past affected my present and were likely to affect my future. God is our ultimate healer but therapy was the tool that He used in my case. It may be worth you looking into that. I wish that the therapy I've just had would have been available at your age ~ I lost a lot of years. Your pastor may be able to offer you counselling, or suggest someone who you can talk to. For various reasons, I had secular therapy, I like the idea of being able to walk away and not see someone who knows so much about me in everyday life (though I shall miss her terribly.
You say that you wrote a letter to a friend at some point. Many people use writing as a release ~ not necessarily to give to the person who has hurt them, but for themselves as individuals (some keep the letters, some tear them up, some burn them).
_____________________________
Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not using them in fruit salads!
My blog
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RE: Need SERIOUS prayer & advice - 3/18/2008 12:27:36 AM
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spiritualbutterfly
Posts: 11
Joined: 3/10/2008
Status: offline
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virtuous...that's a lot of hurt and pain. i certainly don't have the answer, but i read your post and felt i at least wanted to write something back because i'm sure you're probably checking like crazy for responses  (i was after i posted my 1st question). after posting my question, i had to remind myself that my answer was probably not going to be found in any of the responses that i would receive. i say that b/c all of us here have opinions, and hopefully we take a few seconds to pray before throwing them out there, but none of us is God, and only He has your answer. all of that to say that you may get a lot of good guidance and words of comfort from our replies, but don't come running to check this forum so often that you neglect to stay before God with your issue. i had to remind myself of that because it's tempting to put a lot of value on the answers we can get now versus waiting to hear from God in that ever so still, small voice. He's the only One who can heal your heart and show you how this situation will work out for your good.
my response to your post is that i don't think you should spend too much time trying to understand why your mother has acted the way she has. it's already done now, and no amount of ruminating on it can change that. your primary responsibility is to forgive her and not allow the pain to interfere with God's purpose for your life. sometimes people do things that are outside of what we expect from them, and it is especially hurtful when those people have a significant title, like mother. we have our ideas about how a mother is supposed to act and what a mother is supposed to be, and when it doesn't go that way, we want to know why it didn't. i'm not sure there's always a satisfactory answer to that question. if your mother is unsaved, then maybe that alone explains her behavior. where she was in her life when you were born or what she learned about how to be a mother--things like that have framed her viewpoint...there are too many factors that you may never understand. that's why i believe God commands us simply to forgive without requiring any explanation that satisfies our need to know.
i write from some experiences i've had with my father. though none of them really compare to the things you described, there have been times when i couldn't believe that my father was acting a certain way or that he could say certain things to/about me or feel a certain way about me...because i'm his daughter. i believe God has taught me that although i want my father to always approve of me and support me, the fact that he is my father doesn't mean he will always be willing/able to. he is still just a person who has his own flaws...and he is unsaved (for now). as long as God approves of me, i cannot be overly concerned with why my father may not. as long as God believes in me, i cannot be overly concerned with why my father may not. i've finally learned that none of my concern is going to make him act differently toward me if he hasn't already. so, i have learned to love him just the way he is and to accept that he may not always be to me what i think a father should. and that can't be my biggest concern. i just keep trying to follow God's plan for my life...that has to be my biggest concern. if my father can get on board with that, great. if he cannot, ok. one day he will see in me what God sees in me. until then, i can agree to disagree with him. i still feel hurt and disappointed when he throws me a curve ball, but it doesn't throw me off my game as much anymore b/c i realize that my heavenly father picks up the slack everywhere my earthly father falls short. i will pray for you. i hope that my thoughts were helpful in some way. God bless you.
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RE: Need SERIOUS prayer & advice - 3/19/2008 2:46:04 AM
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digital_angel
Posts: 32
Joined: 1/30/2007
Status: offline
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YOU HAVE A GOOD COURAGE TO COME TO THIS FORUM
I THINK...... YOU HAVE GOOD EXPERIENCES
AS A CHILD OF GOD... YOU HAVE GOD INSIDE YOUR HEART, HOLY SPIRIT WILL HEAL YOUR WOUNDED HEART< SUCH A BIG TEST >
YOU ABLE TO KNOW FROM OTHER POINTS< THAT YOUR MOM DOING WRONG >, IT MEANT YOU WILL NOT BE A BAD MOM TO YOUR CHILD LATER IN THE FUTURE .
GOD GIVE YOU COURAGE... MANY PEOPLE HAS NOT A PERFECT FAMILY .
IN JAKARTA ALSO THE SAME< MANY PEOPLE HAS SELF CENTER , CHILD BECAME VICTIMS >
GOD GIVE YOU STRENGTH< REMEMBER THE LOVE OF GOD < AGAPE LOVE >
LOVE YOU
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RE: Need SERIOUS prayer & advice - 3/19/2008 10:36:46 AM
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preserved
Posts: 1262
Joined: 6/12/2007
Status: offline
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striving2bvirtuous,
You have a lot of anger but mostly hurt and pain. You may need to seek spiritual counseling to turn the anger and hurt away from you. God can heal and give you peace. Stop trying to figure out why and what happen...it does not chance the fact as to what happen. It's really sad that you had no one to turn to during these circumstances. Reality is that you are a lot stronger than you think. You are 28 now...Learn to accept the things that you cannot change and the wisdom to know the difference. Start enjoying your life and work on becoming the better person than she was
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RE: Need SERIOUS prayer & advice - 5/20/2008 2:28:26 PM
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Striving2BVirtuous
Posts: 37
Joined: 3/15/2008
Status: offline
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Has any one tried Family counseling? Is it worth it and was there success?
This situation with my mother is NOT getting better. And I know part of the reason is because she has her own psychological issues.
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RE: Need SERIOUS prayer & advice - 5/20/2008 3:13:47 PM
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ChoirDJ
Posts: 323
Joined: 6/15/2006
From: So Cal
Status: offline
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Striving2BVirtuous have you ever heard of Dr. Laura? She has a book out called "Bad Childhood, Good Life" where she addresses many of the issues related to being raised in abusive homes, yet, overcoming that past to make a great future. You may want to check her book out. She's a very famous talk show host and I would be surprised if you haven't heard of her. I haven't read the book but I've listened to her talk show enough to hear other people sound off on the book. It sounds like it may be a great resource for you.
As for your situation, I think you have to acknowledge the elephants in the room...starting with the fact that you don't have a "mother" in the true sense of the word. She may have given birth to you and raised you but she has not been a "mother" to you. You'll continue to set yourself up for disappointment after disappointment if you don't acknowledge this very glaring fact. It would be great if you had an all-caring and involved mother but the sad reality is that you don't. She contributed to a very unhappy childhood for you but don't give her the power to mess up your adulthood also. Do not expect her to act like the mother that she isn't capable of being right now. When you settle down and have children someday, it'll be your second chance to have a great mother/daughter relationship and I'm sure you'll be looking forward to giving your children all the love you missed out on growing up. This is of course assuming you want to get married and have a family some day and I admit that's a big leap (lol).
p.s. One thing you do have is a heavenly Father who has seen your misery and has given you the strength and fortitude to make it as far as you have. Count your blessings and thank God for all the positives when you start to dwell on the negatives.
_____________________________
"I have so much to be grateful for I have no time to ponder over that which was denied."
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RE: Need SERIOUS prayer & advice - 5/21/2008 1:13:09 PM
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crh737
Posts: 592
Joined: 6/1/2005
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Striving2b~
First off I want you to know you are not alone on this.... (((Striving2b))))
I am sorry about what happened to you and since you shared I will share a little with you.
Be happy you got to go to your father's funeral, even if it was alone. My mother and Uncle stole my right to see my father or attend his funeral. They knew he was dying and never told me, but got a phone call after he was dead and buried.
My mother is still married to her husband and I lost my education (I'm a 9th grade drop out) because I raised their son (my brother) so they could keep to their agenda and fulfilling their own dreams.
My stepfather did a lot of things to me as well, yet it distorted my view on our Loving Saviour, because he would read his bible everyday.
I ended up later in several abusive relationships which just added to my hurt,pain and anger. What was worse I couldn't talk about it, the words just wouldn't come out.
But there is victory and light at the end of the tunnel. Get this all out and do not allow the locust to eat and destroy you.
I believe because I believed I got through it, that it didn't matter, well it does matter. YOU matter. Talk about it, work it out, pray diligently and do not hold on to the guilt, shame, hurt, or anger that comes from being abused.
Take care of it now, you don't want happened to me to happened to you, the Lord greatly intervened and said, "Enough!" He forced me to acknowledge it and deal with it. Ouch!!! He didn't do it slowly and was very painful, but He got it out of me, lol 
I will pray for you, just aknolwedging how you feel is a start.
Love to you dear sister
CRH
< Message edited by crh737 -- 5/21/2008 1:29:57 PM >
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RE: Need SERIOUS prayer & advice - 5/21/2008 2:40:49 PM
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Anamchara
Posts: 75
Joined: 9/16/2005
Status: offline
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I in my self do not feel qualified to offer advice to you, I dont understand nor can I relate to what you are going through. I have never experienced anything like it. As I read your post, I felt lead to offer this one piece of the Word to you. God offers you peace in your despair. A peace that far passes all of our understandings. I cant offer advice, but I would be honored to pray with you! This old church chorus keeps cycling in my mind as I type this response to you..
"Peace Peace, wonderful peace. Coming down from your Father above, sweep over your spirit forever I pray in fathomless billows of love"
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RE: Need SERIOUS prayer & advice - 5/21/2008 3:07:17 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 1184
Joined: 9/26/2007
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(((Hugs))) to you, Striving2BVirtuous. You were neglected, abused and abandoned (just a starter list; you could probably add to it). Your mother's life told you a LIE: that you weren't loveable, that you weren't important, that you weren't worth anything. It's a lie from the pit of hell, so smell the sulfur.
My life was similar in a lot of ways, and the suffering I experienced was deep and long lasting.
Here's my partial answer to you; God alone has the whole answer, and when He tells you, you will clap your hands in joy and say, "How perfect!" because God does all things well and all things work together for good, even if they are the pits in the meanwhile. So in faith you can rejoice now - yeah, that's a faith builder for real. The middle part was awful but God is doing something good. We laugh through our tears, because we can trust God's heart when we can't trace His hand. Later, we'll know why.
1) God allowed this horrible trainwreck of a woman to be your mother. You don't know why such a perversion was allowed to happen to you, but it's going to work out to God's glory.
2) It could be that, with our stubborn sin natures, it's what it took to turn us to God to cry out for help. Maybe you aren't as stubborn as I am, but it could be part of the picture. Like I said, we'll know everything some day. God doesn't zap us to come to him like a robot but wants our hearts freely given.
3) Maybe God is using this to convince your mother how thoroughly bad her heart is so that she will turn to Him for help. Or maybe others will see that and turn to God so they don't do the same thing.
At any rate, you were treated horribly. This is the opposite of what God intends for families, and you have suffered. YOUR MOTHER LIED. You are not unloveable, for the Creator of the universe died a horrible death to get you back into relationship with Him. You are not unimportant, as the Lord of Life loves you personally. He knows your name and wrote it in His Book of Life. YOUR MOTHER LIED. GOD ISN'T LYING TO YOU - HE LOVES YOU AND DIED FOR YOU SO YOU'D HAVE LIFE.
Tell yourself this every time the thoughts come into your head. Fight lies with truth. God is truth, and He gave you a love letter called the Bible. Immerse yourself in it and start telling yourself the truth.
And stay in touch with mature Christians who care about you. Give to others who don't know about God's love. And thank God that He Himself is going to wipe away your tears, let you live with Him forever in heaven with no sin to bug you, and the lies will be gone forever, like ashes in the wind.
God bless you, dear heart. (((Hugs)))
_____________________________
Want to know where a certain word or phrase in the Bible is found? www.biblegateway.com Yay!
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RE: Need SERIOUS prayer & advice - 5/21/2008 10:06:00 PM
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Sadey
Posts: 463
Joined: 7/25/2007
Status: offline
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Sugar I am so so sorry that you went through sexual abuse as a child.
Please get some professional hellp, or find a church group for women who have been sexually abused. You can't do this by yourself. You need loving Christians around you who will pray for you , listen to you and help you find your way through this.
What happened to you by your stepdad and your mother was criminal, and you are not in any way responsible for the way you were treated.
Please Please get help so you can heal and have a wonderful life with our Saviour.
< Message edited by Sadey -- 5/21/2008 10:12:00 PM >
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RE: Need SERIOUS prayer & advice - 5/22/2008 2:51:18 AM
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Luv4self
Posts: 46
Joined: 8/11/2006
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I can very much relate to what you went through growing up. There is not much of a mother/dau bond with my mother. To put an even different spin on your situation; after my mother treated me like **** most of my life, she is now sick and I take care of her every little need. Imagine the resentment with that! I've been in therapy for years now to undo all the dysfunction, negative thoughts, dysfunctional perceptions...I could go on and on. I basically had to tear down who I was and build myself back up...In the process I got saved and baptized...The changes from who I was to who I am is remarkable. I am far from perfect and there are many of day I have to pray about certain behaviors or thoughts that I have (I have a residual anger issue which is my most difficult characteristic that I struggle with). I am not much older than you, I'm 33yro and I started therapy at 25 and I can honestly say I like who I am and I hope to get even better! By the way, there are many times when I yell at my mother because she is beyond selfish and self-centered but I always ask for forgiveness and for help in dealing with her...it's getting better slowly!
_____________________________
Don't just live... be alive!
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