Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship
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Need help: a family member trying to fix other family m... - 5/12/2008 12:14:45 PM
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zmanfan38
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Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship
I'd like some advice. My aunt has very good intentions and I love her very much, but she's trying to "fix" this relationship and it's just not hers to fix. I hate that she is carrying this burden and I hurt for her more than anyone else involved. Here's what's going on:
My "mother"...her name is Brenda, Brenda was horribly abusive to me. She physically abused me and emotionally abused me. She beat me with anything she could get her hands on like hairbrushes, chain link dog leashes, my batons (I was a majorette), anything that would hurt enough to satisfy her rage. She bloodied my body and left bruises all over. She beat me out of anger and frustration and whether or not I had been the cause of it.
She became a sloppy abuser when I was in high school. By that, I mean that she left marks in visible places. My class mates and teachers started questioning the marks, especially the purple impressions of her right hand on my left cheek. I was taken to the school nurse and questioned and my body looked over and all marks and bruises recorded. This was back in the mid 80s. I suspect the school tried to report the incidents, but the sheriff of our county was my Grandfather (Brenda's father), and I'm pretty sure he tried to handle it on his own without dragging the family name through the local newspaper. I think this, because I know of at least one time that it was reported to him at the jail and he said, quote "go home and stay out of it...I'll handle it". He and my Grandmother both told her many times in front of me that she was going to stop beating on me and then sent me outside to play. I don't know what was said when I left the room, but I do know it did not work.
The emotional abuse was at least as horrible as the physical, maybe more. She called me a leach (my middle name is Lee and she would call me by my whole name and replace Lee with Leach). She told me many times that if I didn't do, or not do something that I would no longer have a family. As a child I believed her. I completely believed with everything in me that she could and would take away my family because she took everything else I held dear away from me. She told me one day that she had sold her body to give me $50 I wanted for band camp and that I disgusted her for making her do that. She told me when I was in middle school about the abortion she had a few months earlier as a result of a her affair with a married man. She asked me if I ever wanted a brother or sister and I said that I did, very much always want a sibling. She then told me that I should have told her that a few months ago so she wouldn't have had the abortion. She placed an abortion on the shoulders of a child in middle school...sick! She also kept me from my Dad's side of the family. If any of them called me she hovered with her ear close enough to hear what they were saying and after the call was over she'd grill me on what they said and what they "meant by it". Then there was always a beating. I told my dear family (Dad's side) to please not call me anymore because of the beatings and that I'd get back in touch with them later in life. I did search out my family (Dad's side) as an adult and I have a wonderful and very close relationship with my Dad and Grandmom and Aunts and Uncles.
Okay, that's quite enough details. There is a lot more, but I wanted to give enough where there is no doubt as you consider what to post here, just how bad it was.
Fast forward to 1991. I was in the emergency room getting stitches in my head after a beating from my ex-husband (stereotypical thing to do marrying another abuser, huh?). Brenda asked if I wanted to come back home and I said she would never be allowed to hit me again...I was never going to be hit again. Her response was "I won't". I took "I won't" as a sort of admission and just went ahead and applied forgiveness to it because I knew she wasn't the type to say "I'm sorry". I extended a lot of grace to her that day. This was also the day I got saved, or became a Christian.
Fast forward to January, 2007. Brenda and I talked on the phone and the past got brought up and she went birzirk. She denied everything she did to me growing up. She called me crazy and a lot of other names (same old Brenda) and I ended up hanging up on her.
A few days later she sent me an email that said:
"You are now a motherless child"
We haven't spoken since. My daughter, who is now 3 years old has never asked about her and we just don't mention her...ever. I feel like the email she sent made it very clear what her wishes are.
Fast forward to this past Saturday (the day before Mother's Day). I receive a letter from my aunt saying the same things she's told me on the phone a couple of other times in this year and a half since Brenda severed the relationship with me. She says that since I'm a Christian, I should forgive her again and patch things up with her.
Here's what I think of that. I am trying to forgive. I have a lot of dear friends and my husband praying for me to be able to do this and I truly think I'm close. I do not intend to patch things up with Brenda because she's made it clear that she doesn't want it. Also I feel like, because of her denial, that she's a loose cannon. I don't trust her around my child...at all. I don't have relationships with anybody I don't trust around my child, and I don't think that my forgiving her has anything to do with a reconciliation.
My Aunt's intentions are good and she's a wonderful, Godly woman, but this is not hers to deal with. She can not understand being in my shoes because she's never been there. I want so badly for her to be free from this burden because it's not her battle and I hate that she's hurting because of it.
Looking forward to your replies.
_____________________________
GB = Gorgeous Baby
Looking for tips on moving out of state. <--LINK
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RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other fami... - 5/12/2008 12:26:57 PM
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WhiteRoseBlessings
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{{{Christi}}}
I have no words right now, except that I am so sorry you've gone through all that and that I think you are an incredible woman.
I need to go run some errands, but I will be thinking about and praying for what you have written.
_____________________________
Cleaning Toy Figurines
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RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other fami... - 5/12/2008 12:32:32 PM
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preserved
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I really feel sorry for all that you went thru...But thank God that you are alive and now have a child of your own..to love...truly you did not received any love over the years with your mother...To forgive her is what God would ask of us to do...to forget is another...
Forgive your mother and pray for her...However, that does not mean to out yourself or your child in the presence of her. The reconcialtion is going to take some time...because of the abuse you endured...
Where was your aunt when all of the abuse was going on? Did she know what was going on? Why did she not come to your rescue at that time...You are correct....It is really none of her business now...since she was never there for you when you were enduring the abuse. Just simply tell her that...God has given you a daughter..Love her you can make a difference in her life in spite of what you went thru....God Bless You
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RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other fami... - 5/12/2008 12:52:44 PM
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Qtman
Posts: 10980
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From: Crimson Tide Country
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{{{{Christi}}}}
By all means forgive your mom. As far as having a relationship with her I don't think that is possible. I would not put myself or my child in that position. You can forgive someone and not have to be around them. You have a loving husband now and one beautiful little girl. Forgive and move forward.
For your aunt, you just may have to explain to her that it just is not going to happen. You may also have to figure out a nice way so say bug out. I probably could not do that.
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Please Remember our Military Past and Present. ALL gave some, SOME gave all.
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RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other fami... - 5/12/2008 12:59:47 PM
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DeeAnnBailey
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Christi, my heart goes out to you as I read this. Abuse comes in many different forms. Some is easy to spot, other ways are very subtle but they all leave scars that we carry all our lives. My daughter and I have both seen abuse up close and personal.
I would tell you now the same thing I have told my daughter, your child is your priority. Your own well being is also a priority. If you can't have those two things and a relationship with your mother, then it is the relationship that has to go. You can forgive, but only if your mother is willing to admit that things happened can you patch the relationship.
God doesn't guilt trip us into anything and while your aunt may have good intentions, you being a Christian doesn't mean you have to continue the cycle of abuse just to let your mother in your life.
_____________________________
D. Ann Bailey
He's planned a beautiful design, but it will take some fire and time, But it's gonna be okay, 'Cause the Potter knows the clay'.
<<<Mark Trammell, Erin & Alicia
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RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other fami... - 5/12/2008 1:11:45 PM
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bluestone
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Forgiveness takea a lot of time if the pain took place over a lot of time.
Forgiveness does not mean restoration of the relationship. If you feel it is wise to keep this woman out of your life and your child's life, you can do that and still forgive. Being reconciled is different than restoring the relationship.
Telll the Aunt to STOP.
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Iron sharpens iron, while mush just sinks into the pot.
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RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other fami... - 5/12/2008 1:36:16 PM
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Kerrlaw1
Posts: 8698
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Print out a copy of your OP and give it to your Aunt.
This is not her cross to bear. Advise her lay this burden at the feet of Jesus.
quote:
"You are now a motherless child"
Unfortunately, my friend, you always have been. But you have a Heavenly Father on which you can always rely. Stay as far away from Brenda as you can. She is mean, manipulative and mentally ill. Don't even think of having any kind of relationship with her until the day comes when you are totally and completely convinced that she has been saved and her cruel and evil nature has been fully changed by the healing power of the Lord.
Pray for her, but please don't let anyone convince you to put yourself or GB anywhere near a position where you can be mentally or physically attacked.
_____________________________
My head is so full of knowledge that it has leaked into the rest of my body...
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RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other fami... - 5/12/2008 1:44:22 PM
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WalkingwithHim2
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Kerrlaw1
Print out a copy of your OP and give it to your Aunt.
This is not her cross to bear. Advise her lay this burden at the feet of Jesus.
quote:
"You are now a motherless child"
Unfortunately, my friend, you always have been. But you have a Heavenly Father on which you can always rely. Stay as far away from Brenda as you can. She is mean, manipulative and mentally ill. Don't even think of having any kind of relationship with her until the day comes when you are totally and completely convinced that she has been saved and her cruel and evil nature has been fully changed by the healing power of the Lord.
Pray for her, but please don't let anyone convince you to put yourself or GB anywhere near a position where you can be mentally or physically attacked.
Ditto and i'll add a (((((((zmanfan)))))) to it.
_____________________________
Jesus saves the soul not necessarily the brain
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RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other fami... - 5/12/2008 1:46:55 PM
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Qtman
Posts: 10980
Joined: 3/21/2006
From: Crimson Tide Country
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Kerrlaw1
Print out a copy of your OP and give it to your Aunt.
This is not her cross to bear. Advise her lay this burden at the feet of Jesus.
quote:
"You are now a motherless child"
Unfortunately, my friend, you always have been. But you have a Heavenly Father on which you can always rely. Stay as far away from Brenda as you can. She is mean, manipulative and mentally ill. Don't even think of having any kind of relationship with her until the day comes when you are totally and completely convinced that she has been saved and her cruel and evil nature has been fully changed by the healing power of the Lord.
Pray for her, but please don't let anyone convince you to put yourself or GB anywhere near a position where you can be mentally or physically attacked.
What I was trying to say Christi. And as usual said much more eloquently by Kerrlaw.
_____________________________
Please Remember our Military Past and Present. ALL gave some, SOME gave all.
Qtman's Musings
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RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other fami... - 5/12/2008 1:56:26 PM
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Focusing
Posts: 5218
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{{{Christi}}}
Yes, you already know that your responsibility is to forgive. As humans, we cannot forget though. And just because you forgive does not mean you need to become her close companion. It doesn't even mean you need to have a relationship with her. I know that might sound really harsh, but allow me to explain from my own experience: my ex was horribly abusive. There is no doubt in my mind that if I hadn't taken our son and left him when I did, when his temper and anger had become so extreme and so frequent and so violent, that my son and I would both be dead and buried.
It has been a long road, and God has placed wonderful people in my life to help me through some of these tough times. Probably the best piece of advice my spiritual mom gave me was that when I truly had released things to the Lord regarding the relationship with my ex, through forgiveness, to write it down on the front flap of my Bible and date it. Mine is actually written down in a Bible study workbook that I was doing on the subject of forgiveness. And she told me that whenever those feelings of anger come back up, as they will, and we need to accept that as part of being human we don't typically forget, that I need to remind myself that I have released that to the Lord, and if I needed the extra reminder to look back to what I wrote. Even though I no longer need to go back and actually look at those words, they are there and they give me strength.
Another thing about forgiveness that I have found, especially in a complex relationship, is that while we have truly from the bottom of our hearts forgiven them for certain things, that other bits and pieces of the puzzle come up from time to time ... during times when the Lord feels we are ready to deal with those issues. And we need to deal with each of these issues. And sometimes it feels like we haven't made any headway in the area of forgiveness at all.
As to the current relationship between me and my ex ... he and I have not spoken in over a year. This works really well for us, because last time we spoke ... well, I'm sure you can imagine what that might have been like, and it's just better that we have gone our separate ways. Our son has his own cell phone to make and receive calls to/from his dad, which allows their relationship to develop on its own. I don't say anything negative about him (he is discovering things about his dad on his own, and starting to put the pieces of the puzzle together), but I do encourage him to have that relationship with his dad.
For me, I think releasing the anger and bitterness is the test of true forgiveness. I still have the terrible memories that come back from time to time, but I am able to pray in truth from my heart for him ... that he finds happiness and peace and joy in the Lord.
So, for all my rambling here, the point is ... yes, you need to reach a point of forgiveness, and yes, it is okay to not pursue a relationship with Brenda.
God brings people into our lives ... sometimes for life, and sometimes for a season ... to teach us things ... some good stuff ... some bad stuff ... and we have the choice to allow Him to use these lessons to help others along the path.
As for your aunt, I don't know if she can see things through your eyes. It seems she means well, that she wants to do the "right thing" ... but what one person considers the "right thing" may be the completely wrong thing for another.
I need to think about this and pray about it a little more. I want to look through my study about forgiveness and pass along some of the verses and reading I did that was helpful to me.
_____________________________
Sam
"You're my nightcap"
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RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other fami... - 5/12/2008 2:58:34 PM
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zmanfan38
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quote:
ORIGINAL: WhiteRoseBlessings
{{{Christi}}}
SharMar, thank you for the hug and the encouragement and especially the prayers.
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RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other fami... - 5/12/2008 3:06:08 PM
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zmanfan38
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quote:
ORIGINAL: preserved
Where was your aunt when all of the abuse was going on? Did she know what was going on?
Preserved, thank you for your post. You're so right that I can love and make a difference in my daughter's life. I never felt like I would be a good mother and I was in my 30s before I finally listened to God telling me that He is the perfect parent and that He was the one I should look to. Then we found out that I can not conceive and we adopted our GB.
About my aunt, she did not know until a year and a half ago. During my childhood, she was married and lived 2 hours away. I never told her because I was scared to death what would happen if I did and the rest of the family (locals) didn't talk about it. She was saddened, but didn't seem overly surprised by it either because she knows the ugly, bitter woman that Brenda has always been. She said she was so sorry she didn't know and that she would have tried to do something to help or get me out or get Brenda help...something.
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GB = Gorgeous Baby
Looking for tips on moving out of state. <--LINK
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RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other fami... - 5/12/2008 3:16:10 PM
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zmanfan38
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Qtman
{{{{Christi}}}}
By all means forgive your mom. As far as having a relationship with her I don't think that is possible. I would not put myself or my child in that position. You can forgive someone and not have to be around them. You have a loving husband now and one beautiful little girl. Forgive and move forward.
For your aunt, you just may have to explain to her that it just is not going to happen. You may also have to figure out a nice way so say bug out. I probably could not do that.
Sam, I agree with you completely! I truly think the forgiveness is coming. I feel a lot of peace with it now that I'm convinced it does not equal letting her back into our lives...unless she has a real, life changing salvation experience and comes to me humbly about it.
I love my life with hubby and GB and God has given me a lot of peace. I'm truly happy.
I agree with you that my aunt needs to let this go. I like the way Kerr suggests it in his post. It's not healthy for her to carry it around and it's not healthy for me to keep having it brought up. The fact that Brenda resigned from the job doesn't have anything to do with my aunt or myself. She quit...that's all hers.
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GB = Gorgeous Baby
Looking for tips on moving out of state. <--LINK
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RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other fami... - 5/12/2008 3:21:05 PM
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zmanfan38
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quote:
ORIGINAL: bluestone
Forgiveness does not mean restoration of the relationship. If you feel it is wise to keep this woman out of your life and your child's life, you can do that and still forgive. Being reconciled is different than restoring the relationship.
Said perfectly again. Thank you blue!
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GB = Gorgeous Baby
Looking for tips on moving out of state. <--LINK
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RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other fami... - 5/12/2008 3:25:47 PM
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WhiteRoseBlessings
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Kerrlaw1
Print out a copy of your OP and give it to your Aunt.
This is not her cross to bear. Advise her lay this burden at the feet of Jesus.
quote:
"You are now a motherless child"
Unfortunately, my friend, you always have been. But you have a Heavenly Father on which you can always rely. Stay as far away from Brenda as you can. She is mean, manipulative and mentally ill. Don't even think of having any kind of relationship with her until the day comes when you are totally and completely convinced that she has been saved and her cruel and evil nature has been fully changed by the healing power of the Lord.
Pray for her, but please don't let anyone convince you to put yourself or GB anywhere near a position where you can be mentally or physically attacked.
THIS is an excellent post.
_____________________________
Cleaning Toy Figurines
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RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other fami... - 5/12/2008 3:36:10 PM
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zmanfan38
Posts: 8783
Joined: 9/14/2006
From: ...for it's root, root, root for the CUBBIES!!!
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Kerrlaw1
Print out a copy of your OP and give it to your Aunt.
This is not her cross to bear. Advise her lay this burden at the feet of Jesus.
I love this idea. I've said all of those things to her on the phone, but maybe for her to see them in print and in order without the interruption of conversation, maybe it will be more clear to her. Thank you, Kerr.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Kerrlaw1
quote:
"You are now a motherless child"
Unfortunately, my friend, you always have been. But you have a Heavenly Father on which you can always rely. Stay as far away from Brenda as you can. She is mean, manipulative and mentally ill. Don't even think of having any kind of relationship with her until the day comes when you are totally and completely convinced that she has been saved and her cruel and evil nature has been fully changed by the healing power of the Lord.
Pray for her, but please don't let anyone convince you to put yourself or GB anywhere near a position where you can be mentally or physically attacked.
You're exactly right, Kerr. In fact, when I read those words in her email, I said "well, that's nothing new".
I have trusted my Lord since August 19, 1991 and He's always been true to me. He kept His hand on my life and kept me from dying physically and emotionally until that day 17 years ago when I gave my heart to Him. I'm so thankful for His patience with me and for keeping me safe. I'm most thankful that with salvation came a change of attitude. I don't walk around defeated and angry the way I did until 17 years ago. My joy is from and in Him. That is what I'll be praying for Brenda to receive. She is ill and defeated and angry and bitter and her life bears no fruit. She needs The Lord.
In the mean time, no, I will absolutely not allow her to be any part of my life or my child's life. She will not harm us anymore.
Thank you, ((((Kerr)))).
_____________________________
GB = Gorgeous Baby
Looking for tips on moving out of state. <--LINK
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RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other fami... - 5/12/2008 3:37:15 PM
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zmanfan38
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((((WWH2))))
Thanks for the hug!!! Yep, he said it well.
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RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other fami... - 5/12/2008 5:13:57 PM
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deermousie
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Wow, Zmanfan, your story could be mine, only it was my father who was violent. My mother just pretended it wasn't happening and I was happy and felt loved. She said she'd disown me if I didn't, and yeah, she finally did when she started hurting my daughter and putting her life in danger.
It's good for our own sakes that we forgive a person for running over us, but we don't lie down in the driveway to let it happen again. I think it wise to keep your kid far from this woman who tore up her "mother card" years ago. She is a perversion of what God intended, and I hope your aunt can see that and back off on you.
The Bible says if a person begs our forgiveness, we are to give it, even 70 times 7. It doesn't look like your mother is admitting to anything, much less asking for forgiveness. I don't see how anyone can have a relationship with a person who refuses to have a relationship. It takes two to tango, so to speak. Your aunt is increasing your grief and sense of helplessness and anxiety, and if she doesn't quit making you responsible for your mother's sin, then you need to be a little more firm to tell her to quit. You didn't hold a gun to your mother's head to make her do these terrible things. The ball is in your mother's court to make things right.
Ideally, your aunt would stay out of it and you wouldn't speak of this, but if she is pushing on you then she needs to be told where the problem actually lies so she isn't injuring you further.
I'm so sorry, Zmanfan. (((hugs))) Been there, still bearing the scars, but didn't pass it on to my kid. Thank God, she *does* feel loved and happy, and God blesses and is glorified. Sounds like your kid is having a wonderful life, being loved and protected by mom and dad. God bless you guys.
Re: your aunt: gossip is defined as talking about something where you're neither part of the problem nor part of the solution. The problem is your mother's sin and your hurt. The solution is for your mother to get her act together with God and then with you. Maybe you can gently show this to your aunt; her intentions are good but she is mistaken. I will be praying. Who knows what great work God might do in your family? He's certainly done one in your life - you aren't like your mother! Yay! (Neither am I - let's start a club!  )
< Message edited by deermousie -- 5/12/2008 10:34:54 PM >
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I love that idea. 
