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Please Help - rephrasing a line - 5/31/2008 10:39:06 AM
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Locke
Posts: 310
Joined: 6/10/2005
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So i'm happy to say i've been getting lots of positive feedback on "Lady Spring," but a Writing.com user put up an interesting point. They said that this line:
quote:
Her feet have never moved so fast, nor her heart beat so painfully hard.
read awkwardly. They said that it was because of the phrase "painfully hard." How can I keep the tense and the form while changing that phrase? I haven't been able to come up with anything. If you don't think that I need to change it, feel free to tell me that as well. Thanks.
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RE: Please Help - rephrasing a line - 5/31/2008 11:27:00 AM
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IonMoon
Posts: 977
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From: The Unted State of Confusion
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I do agree that it needs changing. Here are some possibilities:
The structure of the first part should parallel the second. It is not necessary to say both painfully and hard. It would infact, be BEST if you can find one word that means "beat painfully hard."
I would start with "Her feet moving faster..."
You should avoid had/have whenever possible.
Tara P
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RE: Please Help - rephrasing a line - 5/31/2008 11:46:20 AM
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Locke
Posts: 310
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Revision:
Her feet never moved so fast, nor her heart beat so painfully.
Sound good?
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RE: Please Help - rephrasing a line - 5/31/2008 2:06:03 PM
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IonMoon
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From: The Unted State of Confusion
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Yeah, that sounds better.
Tara P
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RE: Please Help - rephrasing a line - 6/13/2008 11:20:13 PM
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Dancre
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Locke
Revision:
Her feet never moved so fast, nor her heart beat so painfully.
Sound good?
Instead of telling us what is happening, paint a picture instead. Her feet pounded on the hard pavement and her heart felt as if it would explode from her chest. Try to avoid those pesky ly adverbs. Use like salt.
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RE: Please Help - rephrasing a line - 6/15/2008 1:29:39 AM
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_CANCELLED_
Posts: 165
Joined: 6/14/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Locke
So i'm happy to say i've been getting lots of positive feedback on "Lady Spring," but a Writing.com user put up an interesting point. They said that this line:
quote:
Her feet have never moved so fast, nor her heart beat so painfully hard.
read awkwardly. They said that it was because of the phrase "painfully hard." How can I keep the tense and the form while changing that phrase? I haven't been able to come up with anything. If you don't think that I need to change it, feel free to tell me that as well. Thanks.
Right, it is a bit awkward. It should flow naturally. But natural, as most writer's will tell you, is hard work. LOL How about this:
Her heart raced in eager agony to keep up with her swift feet as they pounded the ground beneath.
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RE: Please Help - rephrasing a line - 6/15/2008 9:59:29 AM
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Locke
Posts: 310
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Eager agony, huh? I dunno... I appreciate your responses, but I don't feel like I've hit on anything just yet. I'm pretty happy with the revision.
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RE: Please Help - rephrasing a line - 6/15/2008 11:14:47 AM
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_CANCELLED_
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Locke
Eager agony, huh? I dunno... I appreciate your responses, but I don't feel like I've hit on anything just yet. I'm pretty happy with the revision.
Yeah that was a little (understating in writing can be very effective LOL) pretentious but I wanted to leave you room to add your own touch. You don't want someone writing it for you.
_____________________________
And they said, Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and thou shalt be saved, and they house--Acts 16:31
Looking to buy1991 Won by One (out of) print by Argus Communications (see avatar) Leave PM here
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RE: Please Help - rephrasing a line - 6/22/2008 10:17:58 PM
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Dancre
Posts: 1337
Joined: 4/12/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Locke
Eager agony, huh? I dunno... I appreciate your responses, but I don't feel like I've hit on anything just yet. I'm pretty happy with the revision.
Just remember to use action verbs with meat on them: raced, jogged, sprint, explode, stumbled, etc. Grab the thesarus, what does it say? How did someone else describe running? Avoid wimpy verbs that need ly adverb as a crutch, ran quickly, walked slowly, etc. And may I add, it's really not hard at all if you know the 'rules/tools' of writing. Show, don't tell is the basis to writing. Once you learn to show, writing becomes easier. And one more thing, you could break the sentence up into two sentences, thus creating tension. Just a thought. Her heart pounded in her chest. Dust rose into her nose as she sprinted down the dirt road. This is where you will die, her brain screamed. Or something like that. You get the idea.
kim
< Message edited by Dancre -- 6/22/2008 10:27:23 PM >
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RE: Please Help - rephrasing a line - 6/22/2008 11:40:14 PM
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Locke
Posts: 310
Joined: 6/10/2005
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Dancre - i learned that from you (two years ago?) and never forgot - show, don't tell.
Sometimes I think that there's a place for both, but i've held that one closely.
Thank you.
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RE: Please Help - rephrasing a line - 6/24/2008 7:45:34 PM
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Dancre
Posts: 1337
Joined: 4/12/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Locke
Dancre - i learned that from you (two years ago?) and never forgot - show, don't tell.
Sometimes I think that there's a place for both, but i've held that one closely.
Thank you.
LOL!! Don't tell me it's been that long? Oi!!
kim
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