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Secrets in marriage - 6/8/2008 4:08:44 PM
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truthrevealed
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I guess I'm baffled that there is question or debate as to whether a spouse should admit an affair in marriage. I don't get how confessing the sin to God(if one does THAT) and not to your life partner(the one whom God joined together as ONE FLESH with you---because no matter the circumstance marriage is HOLY---SET APART, SANTIFIED in God's eyes!
I've heard not to do so if guilt is the motive......o--kay than decide not to tell it from guilt but from a heart of honesty and integrity. FEELINGS of guuilt may remain but do so DESPITE feelings.
I've heard it might cause more problems in the marriage, it might "destroy" a good thing if you've moved on as a couple....MOVED ON!!!??? when there is DECEPTION??? As it concerns adultery I liken it to a child never telling a parent that they had an abortion....would you not want to know something so serious from/about your child?
Maybe someone can help me understand what I do not. I TOTALLY get that it takes prayer, counsel, the right time etc. but to never tell????????
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RE: Secrets in marriage - 6/8/2008 4:25:21 PM
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fist.sensei
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I agree. I know the post to which you are referring, where the infidelity was years ago.
I still think that the right thing to do is to confess, but maybe that is just me. Logic and conventional wisdom doesn't always meet up with the walk, so who knows maybe there are cases where it's more right to not confess.
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RE: Secrets in marriage - 6/8/2008 4:41:03 PM
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truthrevealed
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I can and WOULD expect that the counsel from an unsaved person might be to keep an affair a secret but to those of us who are born-again, the children of LIGHT, to counsel someone to not tell.......where is the scriptural backing? what part of God's character/nature would lend itself to deception? Jesus ' nature?
Is it a matter of convenience? "I've done the dirt but I certainly don't want to rock the boat now?" Confession TRULY does something for the soul, especially toward the one whom we have offended because it makes us ACCOUNTABLE---to THE ONE WHOM WE'VE OFFENDED. There is a greater chance of the sin being repeated if it's hidden and yes, the devil will have a FIELD day with the guilt so there's still suffering... internal suffering and external that we probably don't realize is a result of the affair.
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RE: Secrets in marriage - 6/8/2008 5:07:02 PM
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fist.sensei
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quote:
ORIGINAL: truthrevealed
I can and WOULD expect that the counsel from an unsaved person might be to keep an affair a secret but to those of us who are born-again, the children of LIGHT....
I'm not sure what this has to do with the thread or my response, in fact I typically question the type of person who talks this way.
All I'm saying is that who knows what each situation dictates. It's between God and that person, not whatever your conventional wisdom is.
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RE: Secrets in marriage - 6/8/2008 5:13:33 PM
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truthrevealed
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Actually fist, I wasn't responding to your post at all...I was making a further point. NOW, I will respond to your post =-) if it is between God and that person what might you expect God's "counsel" or perfect wisdom be in such a situation, to tell or not?
By the by, when I'm addressing someone in particular, I address that person by screen name.
< Message edited by truthrevealed -- 6/8/2008 5:20:42 PM >
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RE: Secrets in marriage - 6/8/2008 5:54:18 PM
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fist.sensei
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quote:
ORIGINAL: truthrevealed
Actually fist, I wasn't responding to your post at all...I was making a further point. NOW, I will respond to your post =-) if it is between God and that person what might you expect God's "counsel" or perfect wisdom be in such a situation, to tell or not?
By the by, when I'm addressing someone in particular, I address that person by screen name.
Dually noted ;-)
I'm just trying to make the point that some situations are so far-fetched that I'm certain there are times when the generally "Godly" answer isn't proper. Truth is stranger than fiction.
In general? Yeah of course they should confess. You made your bed, you have to lie in it. While I have sympathy for those who made the mistake, I believe there is a reason why it's such a grave offense as to warrant divorce.
I just hope to keep people's brains working, and not try and put God in a box. I think too many people do that, especially on certain topics (adultery, divorce, remarriage, salvation)
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RE: Secrets in marriage - 6/8/2008 7:04:10 PM
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jaimestarcross
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I saw something like that on divorce court - the husband had an affair like years ago (had kept it a secret) and the wife found out through some other source - she even got the woman's name and she went and had a talk with the woman and all the secrets came out!
The wife confronts her husband and after much arguing/fussing/denial - he admitted that he'd cheated on his wife back in the early years of their marriage (his affair had lasted a year or two) - I believe the couple getting divorce had been married over 25 years - they did get a divorce because of him not telling her about the affair and she didn't trust him etc...
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RE: Secrets in marriage - 6/8/2008 9:26:07 PM
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ChoirDJ
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I speak from personal experience in my response to this post. We were married for almost 14 years when we separated. My decided to leave but wanted to reconcile not long after she left. I told her we needed to work on the many issues that led to the separation in some sort of counseling before we reconciled due to the breach of trust. I had not planned to file for divorce at this time although she initially wanted one (she wasn't willing to file due to her christian beliefs). Two months into the separation, she got involved with someone else and confessed it to me out of guilt. I appreciated her confessing it to me although it hit me like a ton of bricks because I was hoping to work things out and reconcile.
I eventually filed for divorce but not solely because of the affair. The affair was the straw that broke the camel's back but I still would have been willing to work on reconciliation if she were truly repentant about it. There's a 6 month waiting period before a divorce can be finalized in my state and, unbeknownest to her, I continued to watch her and prayed for her repentance because I understand that God hates divorce. She had been stating all alone how much she wanted to get back together but it became more and more apparent I made the right decision because her actions didn't line up.
Getting back to the topic of whether or not it's wise to confess an affair to a spouse. I think part of the reconciliation and making amends process is to lay the cards out on the table. The Bible teaches that when you wrong someone, you go to that person, acknowledge your wrongdoing, and ask for forgiveness. It is up to that spouse how he/she will respond but they have a right to know at least for the increased health risks and breach of trust.
There seems to be a presumption that fessing to an affair will destroy a marriage that might otherwise have survived and that's not true. In some cases, the offended spouse might file for a divorce but in other cases, the couple will work through it and move on. Mature Christians don't just rush to divorce court just because there is an affair and it's permitted under such circumstances. They seek much counsel and make an informed decision about whether or not the marriage can be salvaged.
_____________________________
"Sin will take you further than you intended to go, keep you there longer than you intended to stay, and cost you more than you intended to spend." Got it?
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RE: Secrets in marriage - 6/8/2008 9:32:08 PM
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truthrevealed
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 choir d
wrong smiley but AMEN!!!
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RE: Secrets in marriage - 6/10/2008 7:09:13 PM
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jlp1
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If I was the one who was cheated on (the wife) and it happened if I am not prepared to leave him and he knows what he did was wrong and would never do it again I would not want to know. I don't have to know all of his secrets and he don't have to know all of mine especially if its not going to kill either one of us. God reveals everything and if that's one he repented for, why rock the boat.
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RE: Secrets in marriage - 6/10/2008 8:19:20 PM
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Stronger2day
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truthrevealed:
thank you for asking this- I haven't been unable to understand a spouse not confessing since I read that thread. No matter how hard it would be and how much pain it would cause- it isn't my right to keep that info from my spouse, no matter how much time had elapsed (IMO). How could truth be wrong?
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RE: Secrets in marriage - 6/10/2008 8:26:08 PM
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ChoirDJ
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Would it change anything jlp1 if the spouse potentially contracted an STD? Wouldn't you want to know in order to make an informed choice about whether or not you would insist the spouse get tested before you were active again? You not knowing could be placing your health at risk and that would be adding insult to injury.
_____________________________
"Sin will take you further than you intended to go, keep you there longer than you intended to stay, and cost you more than you intended to spend." Got it?
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RE: Secrets in marriage - 6/10/2008 8:37:50 PM
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truthrevealed
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Another analogy came to me concerning not admitting an affair to your spouse. It reminds me of a comment someone in politics made about the NewYork Governor who'd been caught with a prostitute. This person commented that he just didn't understand what the big fuss was about because he was a darn good Governor and he certainly shouldn't be removed from office because of the things he'd done in his "private" life. I cringed. How can you trust or half-way BELIEVE that he's doing his job as Governor honestly and with integrity when he's cheated on his spouse?
Similarly, regardless of whether a spouse WANTS to hear such news about their partner, the ability and DECISION to keep it a secret speaks to a lack of integrity and honesty even if such person has decided to discontinue cheating. It's a heart issue and I submit that if such deeds are not exposed then there's still something lacking in the heart of that person as well as the person who would rather not know....IMO.
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RE: Secrets in marriage - 6/10/2008 9:38:06 PM
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LoyalFriend
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TruthRevealed,
Nice to see this topic, because some things had concerned me too. I do believe God calls us to do right when we have wronged others and I don't believe living a life of lies and secrets is any way to live out God's plan for our marriages. Marriage is to reflect Christ and the church. We are all sinners, but God always calls his own to walk in the light.
The governor not only cheated on his wife, but he went against the very things he was to uphold in office.
< Message edited by LoyalFriend -- 6/10/2008 9:45:24 PM >
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RE: Secrets in marriage - 6/10/2008 10:24:29 PM
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Hislittleone
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I definitely think it's always best to be completely honest with your spouse. Hiding a secret is never ok. Like others have said, sin thrives in the darkness. If a spouse has cheated then the least they can do it be honest and fess up. What if they have contracted an STD or what if they've conceived a child with the other person? What if the betrayed spouse finds out years later from another source?
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RE: Secrets in marriage - 6/10/2008 11:59:31 PM
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jlp1
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quote:
Would it change anything jlp1 if the spouse potentially contracted an STD? Wouldn't you want to know in order to make an informed choice about whether or not you would insist the spouse get tested before you were active again? You not knowing could be placing your health at risk and that would be adding insult to injury.
I kinda figured someone would say that but of course that goes without saying, I not giving permission for adultery, I'm just saying if its meant for me to find out I would in it's appointed time. I think the light needs to be shone when we can handle it. I know this sounds strange and a bit off but everything has its appropriate time. I know many women who snoop and find things they can't handle, only if they had just waited for God to show them in its due season it wouldn't hurt so bad. Honesty is always the best policy and I would not promote lying but if not asked.... it was a mistake.... if you lied to your partner and felt bad about and you know it would hurt them if you told..... maybe cause serious damage..... and you promised to never do it again would you tell? I think we all make mistakes.....and again I am not advocating deception in any form. I'm just saying I really don't know if I would want to know if it was a one time thing (with protection) IMO, and years have gone by.
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RE: Secrets in marriage - 6/11/2008 12:26:33 AM
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truthrevealed
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I absolutely agree with timing and that as long as one purpose in their hearts to be open, honest and prayerful, that God will reveal WHEN it should happen( but not IF it should.)
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RE: Secrets in marriage - 6/11/2008 9:53:32 PM
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buckifn
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I don't think it is a case of saying "never", but a case of searching ones heart.
I would not want my spouse to relate to me out of guilt, but out of love....
If we love someone isn't there brokeness and repentence which motivates us...to tell someone something out of hate, revenge, bitterness, and selfishness, is simply committing more sin.
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