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Seeking Other's Forgiveness for Our Offenses - 8/30/2008 1:47:50 PM
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solomonsprayer
Posts: 538
Joined: 8/1/2008
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I have a question about seeking forgiveness from other persons, whom we have offended.
(A bit of a long post, so just a heads-up.  )
I am aware that the Bible teaches us to first and foremost repent of our sins to God, in order to be restored and forgiven after each transgression. That is because it is ultimately God's law and love that we broke in whatever sin we've commited.
We are also instructed, additionally, to reconcile with those whom we've hurt and who have something against us (Matthew 5:23-24). This is in instances where our sin was not a private one just between God and ourselves, but also involved another person(s).
I have some questions about the practical application of these principles when seeking to apologize and reconcile with those whom we've offended (with the understanding that apologizing and reconcilation are not the same, given that reconciliation may or may not happen, since it is up to the other individual(s) if they accept our apology)...All these things considered, I have questions about specific everyday type situations:
First, do we have to apologize and attempt to reconcile with others every single thing we've done that may have negatively affected someone else, even if they took place years ago or it seems the other person doesn't care anymore? Matthew 5:23-24 states, 23"Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, 24leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift. (NIV)
I take it that if we consciously know that someone else is still upset with us, then we ought to seek their forgiveness and try to reconcile. So, for example, if I curse out my friend (out of anger) and we leave on a bad note after an argument and I can tell he is pretty upset and he has not called me after an inordinate amount of time, I should go and say I'm sorry and try to reconcile. That's an instance that makes sense.
However, what about countless little things we may have wrongfully said (for example, in an angry tone,...in a pompous way....a disrepectful attitude, etc.) that offended and/or made someone mad a long time ago (such as when we were kids or 10+ years ago)? ...If we never apologized for those things back then, do we need to seek these people out now? Is this practical if they've moved away from us or we do not know where they are (perhaps even dead), etc.? Can we assume perhaps that they've gotten over it and it's not a big deal anymore to them and we do not have to bring it up anymore?
Matthew 5:23-24 says if you "remember that your brother has something against you"....
(Here's another practical application dilemma  )
Is this taken as present tense or past tense (I realize the verse is present grammatically - has), in terms of my brother (or some other person) having something against me? ...Say Person A had something against me back in high school 15 year ago when I called him a nasty name, but now no longer cares about it, is that an instance I still seek them out for an apology and reconciliation if I never tried to apologize back then? Or is it only when the other person still actively has something against you? Also, what if you do not know if they actively have something against you, but it's been so many years ago and you may not even be able to find that person? Would you assume after a certain amount of time, that person has probably just gotten over it?
When I brought this up with my pastor in the past, his comment to me was that we obviously should always try to apolgoize and reconcile for our offenses as soon after the incident as possible. The longer we wait, he said, the harder it is to apologize and we are prone to things like forgetfulness, loss of contact with people, or just plain callousness on our part. His interpretation was that we should try our best, according to guidance from the Holy Spirit in our conscience, to see which cases God wants us to reconcile and which ones we can leave alone. His view was that if we had to go back in time and try to fix every single thing we've said or done, it would be impossible, because we've all done and said so many things like that we would probably be spending the rest of our life (an exaggeration mostly) trying to reconcile them. ...But that does leave open some questions....Is this a correct view of things? If not, why and what should we believe and do? If it is correct, how do we discern whether we should try to apologize and reconcile a situation from a long time ago or that is ambiguous versus those we can and/or have to just let go of?
An example of an ambiguous case here might be the relationship I have with certain close friends or my parents. We often, very sadly, get into petty fights and will say inappropriate things or something in a wrong tone/attitude, yet not necessarily always apologize (in a specific way). ....It's weird. There are times after a fight or argument that I'll just almost pretend like nothing happened or give an "implicit" apology (not verbalized) by being nice again to a parent of friend and they'll do the same with me. Are these instances where it's just understood both sides are no longer mad and an official apology is not necessary anymore? Should we still make an official apology in these cases?
I generally prefer to apologize for things specifically (though sometimes don't always do it), but I've noticed many of my friends (particularly non-Christian ones) tend to just gloss over things. They won't say "I'm sorry for such and such..." ....But they'll usually just revert back to being nice again. I don't usually call them out for it if they have offended me...Like I won't necessarily demand an apology. But I kind of just take it they're implicitly sorry and we kind of move on .... This has happened on many occassions with friend and loved ones at times. Does any of this make sense or has anyone had similar experiences?
Also, in terms of non-close friends or people who we've maybe offended a long time ago....how should we handle those cases? Do you go out of your way to try to find and apologize to someone you offended a long time ago or assume perhaps it's not an issue anymore? These are sadly more common for myself, because I was not a Christian until later in life and had lots of stupid petty grudges and offensive arguments, etc. with people I knew from growing up. Essentially I was a big jerk.  Obviously, I feel bad now, but also like my pastor mentioned, it's weird and hard to apologize for those types of things after many years. He said I'd need to ask God's direction on specific instances and use a combination of common sense and Spiritual widsom - from the Bible and Holy Spirit.
What do you people about these various scenarios and practicalities of seeking to reconcile with people we've offended? How should we Scripturally understand and practice this? 
< Message edited by solomonsprayer -- 8/30/2008 2:07:51 PM >
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RE: Seeking Other's Forgiveness for Our Offenses - 8/30/2008 2:48:35 PM
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LCannon
Posts: 1257
Joined: 2/22/2007
From: Lebanon, OR
Status: offline
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quote:
God's direction on specific instances and use a combination of common sense and Spiritual wisdom
Your pastor is a wise person. Unless the affront is a personal attack on one's character or person(or involves a crime)probably it's best not to make an issue outside your change in allegiance. You know, 'Once I was blind(and arrogant)but now I am free(to live in liberty of obedience)'. '...As the world watches, these people persevere. They live, love, trust and obey Him. Eventually the world is forced to say, "How great their God must be to inspire this kind of loyalty." -Joni Eareckson Tada-
'What a wonderful change in my life has been wrought since Jesus came into my heart!' Look for opportunities to show others not dwell in the past setting up there defeat. Acknowledge the past but don't live there.
_____________________________
"It may be that when the angels go about their task of praising God they play
only Bach. I am sure, however, that when they are together en famille they
play Mozart and then too our dear Lord listens with special pleasure."(Karl Barth)
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RE: Seeking Other's Forgiveness for Our Offenses - 8/30/2008 2:53:06 PM
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solomonsprayer
Posts: 538
Joined: 8/1/2008
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: LCannon
quote:
God's direction on specific instances and use a combination of common sense and Spiritual wisdom
Your pastor is a wise person. Unless the affront is a personal attack on one's character or person(or involves a crime)probably it's best not to make an issue outside your change in allegiance. You know, 'Once I was blind(and arrogant)but now I am free(to live in liberty of obedience)'. '...As the world watches, these people persevere. They live, love, trust and obey Him. Eventually the world is forced to say, "How great their God must be to inspire this kind of loyalty." -Joni Eareckson Tada-
'What a wonderful change in my life has been wrought since Jesus came into my heart!' Look for opportunities to show others not dwell in the past setting up there defeat. Acknowledge the past but don't live there.
What did you mean by "it's best not to make an issue outside your change in allegiance"?
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