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Teen Mistakes--What to do?? - 7/17/2008 8:04:50 AM
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4givnNBama
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My 16 yo DD made a huge mistake. She had sex. She has been raised in church and knows this is wrong, but she's human and made a mistake. To let you know something about her, she is a sweet girl who has self esteem problems. She has always had acne(sometimes very severe, which her sisters do not have) and her nose has drawn a few remarks from others as well. She sometimes appears to be the proverbial "dumb blonde" but is really a smart girl making all A's & B's. We have always believed and told her she is smart & beautiful the way God made her and that when the time is right, God will send her a soul mate, but that is sometimes hard to believe when you are a teen and you just want to fit in.
She went camping for a week w/BF's family who are very good people. They have been BF's since grade school, so we know them well and even camp with them sometimes. Then they went camping in Fl. and took DD and came back. The next week, they went camping locally and I even took my other kids and went for a day in the middle of the week. On the last day, however, some boys they met had been teasing her about "S" and her friend left her to go get their cell phone for something and that is when it happened. DD says she did not say no. DD and friend seemed to not be getting together as usual after she came home and DD said they had a disagreement. I found out yesterday(2 weeks after) about it. BF's dad called and just said I needed to talk to my DD. I talked to her and if reluctantly came out. BF's mom found out from her daughter after they came home and called my DD and told her she made a stupid mistake, but that they still loved her and she wouldn't tell me, but that DD needed to tell us. Friends mom was torn up over it wondering if we would be mad at them and not want to be friends and knowing her, I know that is true, so hubby called to get communications started. I told BF's mom that it could have happened when we were there too as we don't follow them around 24/7. Up to this point, she had never given any reason for mistrust.
Anyhow, we talked to our DD and told her it was a mistake, but she can be forgivn if she asks. God forgave me my sins, so who would I be not to forgive hers. I told her that the only difference is, God no longer sees her sin once she repents, but we being human cannot forget and there is a broken trust that will take time to heal. I will make necessary medical arrangements and she has had a period since, but I know some who had those during pregnancy. The question is, what type of penalty should there be? Dad wants to keep everyone home from now on and I don't think that is the answer.
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RE: Teen Mistakes--What to do?? - 7/17/2008 8:47:17 AM
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Ellie-Mae
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From: The EMPIRE state!
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I guess I am a bit confused...
There were more than one boy picking on her.
How many did she have sex with?
Did the others just watch?
Were they jeering her? As she had sex?
She said that she didn't say no. Was she actually consenting? or did she feel like she couldn't tell them no?
How did she seem to her friend the next time they saw each other?
Were was the supervision?
_____________________________
Isaiah 40:29
He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength.
W2D1
292 more miles to go!
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RE: Teen Mistakes--What to do?? - 7/17/2008 8:47:17 AM
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manda59
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Quite apart from any other consequences, I think it would be an idea for your daughter to receive some counselling from a trained Christian professional counsellor because of her self-esteem issues. If it had happened with a boyfriend it would be worrisome enough, but the fact that she had sex with a stranger, whom she hardly knew, makes it far more troubling.
What's done is done, what could happen next is a greater concern. Now that it has happened once, it could so easily happen again. She needs to understand why it happened in order to have the best chance of it not happening again.
_____________________________
"That's what I would say as well."
Mrs Wifey, August 2008.
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RE: Teen Mistakes--What to do?? - 7/17/2008 9:53:21 AM
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Jenny-Fair
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In my experience (and I mean that literally), teenage sex is not so much a mistake or bad decision as it is a result of other things.
Self-esteem issues don't come from nowhere, and I think Manda is right-counseling is needed, and I would say both individual and family counseling.
I knew a girl who had sex with a boy just so he would stop bothering her about it. She obviously had little respect for herself, and that situation has always made me sad--almost as sad as the two abortions she had.
In the meantime, I sort of agree with your husband. I don't think she should be punished for what happened-clearly she did not have the tools to deal with this situation, and that is not her fault. But I do think she should be protected until she does have the tools she needs. It'll take work to make it clear to her that you aren't punishing her or getting back at her or something like that.
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RE: Teen Mistakes--What to do?? - 7/17/2008 9:57:02 AM
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laura...
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Although your daughter stated that she did not say, "no", it sounds like it could have been a lot less than consentual.
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This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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RE: Teen Mistakes--What to do?? - 7/17/2008 10:10:07 AM
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PrincessDonna
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I agree with all the previous posters. You can not say no and not fight and it still be rape. Sometimes girls, especially with self esteem issues, don't feel they CAN say no.
Please do not punish your daughter for this. I have a feeling there is much more going on than she has told you. I'd not send her on any overnight trips for a while, but not so much as a punishment...more as protection. Allow her to have friends over to your house, where you can monitor what is going on.
Do get her in to the doctor's and also for counseling. If you cannot afford counseling, call the rape crisis hotline and explain the situation to them. I think they will be able to help, and it is free. As someone who has been there, I beg you not to just let time go by without doing anything. Please get her in counseling so she can deal with this now and not 5 or 10 years from now.
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RE: Teen Mistakes--What to do?? - 7/17/2008 10:35:34 AM
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manda59
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quote:
ORIGINAL: laura...
Although your daughter stated that she did not say, "no", it sounds like it could have been a lot less than consentual.
I agree. It sounds like she was persuaded/seduced, and could still be deemed as rape (by UK law anyway).
I am wondering too how old these "boys" were.
_____________________________
"That's what I would say as well."
Mrs Wifey, August 2008.
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RE: Teen Mistakes--What to do?? - 7/17/2008 10:39:23 AM
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pbaribeault
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Yep.
Counseling & shelter, but not shame.
Plenty of unconditional Christlike love. Maybe study the events of not-right sex through the Bible.
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RE: Teen Mistakes--What to do?? - 7/17/2008 1:24:50 PM
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cynthia
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I do not understand the OP. It sounds like some "boys" were teasing your daughter, the friend walked off and either one or more of the boys sexually assalted your daughter. I think you need to look into this situation much more seriously and find exactly what happened and why. This is not adding up.
_____________________________
The devil isn't winning, but he wants you to think he is so you will give up and let him win. Often the battle is hardest before the victory. You may get bloody, but that doesn't mean you are losing, it only means you are fighting.
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RE: Teen Mistakes--What to do?? - 7/17/2008 1:41:48 PM
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Sadey
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No matter what happened this is a tragic situation and how you handle it will make all the difference in the world. Please find out exactly what happened and then get her the help she needs. And make sure it does not include shaming her.
There is a big difference in being shamed, living with shame and being
ashamed of what we did. Being ashamed of what we did is a step towards repentance.
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RE: Teen Mistakes--What to do?? - 7/17/2008 2:03:24 PM
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manda59
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Sadey
Being ashamed of what we did is a step towards repentance.
Actually it's being convicted that is a step towards repentance.
_____________________________
"That's what I would say as well."
Mrs Wifey, August 2008.
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RE: Teen Mistakes--What to do?? - 7/17/2008 2:07:41 PM
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cynthia
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If she was raped, being ashamed does not point to guilt. I believe women who are raped feel ashamed. Whether or not she was raped, she was dishonored, which will bring about feelings of shame.
_____________________________
The devil isn't winning, but he wants you to think he is so you will give up and let him win. Often the battle is hardest before the victory. You may get bloody, but that doesn't mean you are losing, it only means you are fighting.
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RE: Teen Mistakes--What to do?? - 7/17/2008 2:10:48 PM
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shadowspring
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1) Love her unconditionally
2) Forgive completely
3) Protect her from a situation she cannot handle in the future by closer supervision BUT WITH COMPASSION not as a punishment
4) Get her the counseling she needs to have a higher value of herself and her body
5) Make it family counseling so she can see the whole family supports her and loves her and when "one member suffers, we all suffer together" (not that counseling is suffering, bur your daughter was already suffering inside before this happened!)
6) Show her you love her, especially Dad, in time spent together, words of affirmation, small gifts that say "I'm thinking of you", hugs and kisses, and doing favors for her- helping her with her chores and that kind of thing.
7) Sing as you go through your day about the mercy of God and the redemption he freely gave for us in His own blood- it will remind you and all who hear you where the focus of our heart's should be, especially in times of disappointment and betrayal.
8) Have family communion: remember the body that was broken for us and the blood that was shed for the forgiveness of our sins. Remember that Jesus instituted this sacrament "on the night that he was betrayed..."
_____________________________
 "All that is gold does not glitter, not all those who wander are lost..." -J. R. R. Tolkien
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RE: Teen Mistakes--What to do?? - 7/17/2008 3:15:26 PM
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4givnNBama
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How many did she have sex with? 1
Did the others just watch? No, they wandered off alone
Were they jeering her? Yes to instigating not sure about jeering As she had sex? No
She said that she didn't say no. Was she actually consenting? or did she feel like she couldn't tell them no? ??she liked him and I think they were playing her
How did she seem to her friend the next time they saw each other? Her friend was mad that she had done that, I have not talked to her yet as she is off at color guard camp
Were was the supervision? They were checking in at the campsite every 30-45 minutes. These girls have never been in any trouble at all before
The boy was 15.
I just found out about this last night, so details are still coming out. You are giving me some good questions to ask. We let her know that first off, we love her more and better than anyone besides God and that no matter what happened or how, we will love her forever. We were not hateful or disrespectful to her. We also have other kids and she shares a room, so we also want to discourage them from this type of thing. We are going slow and we have this boys cell phone number and are praying how to handle that. We know he would not let us talk to his parents if we call.
< Message edited by 4givnNBama -- 7/17/2008 3:31:12 PM >
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RE: Teen Mistakes--What to do?? - 7/17/2008 3:36:10 PM
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Sadey
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To me feeling ashamed of myself is the same thing as conviction. Its knowing you did something wrong and knowing you can go to God for forgivieness Its totally different than being shamed by others.
I in no way meant to suggest that anyone should be ashamed because they were raped.
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RE: Teen Mistakes--What to do?? - 7/17/2008 3:53:03 PM
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cynthia
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From: Beautiful Puget Sound Region
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Sadey
I in no way meant to suggest that anyone should be ashamed because they were raped.
I don't think anyone got that impression.
I agree that being ashamed of bad behavior is part of repentance and conviction, but it should not last long since Jesus takes away our sin and shame when we repent.
_____________________________
The devil isn't winning, but he wants you to think he is so you will give up and let him win. Often the battle is hardest before the victory. You may get bloody, but that doesn't mean you are losing, it only means you are fighting.
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RE: Teen Mistakes--What to do?? - 7/17/2008 5:31:52 PM
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Sadey
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Absolutely.
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RE: Teen Mistakes--What to do?? - 7/17/2008 9:24:04 PM
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Homegrownkids
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I don't have any advice, I just wanted you to know that I am sorry this happend. Hang in there, and pray a lot.
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God heals!
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RE: Teen Mistakes--What to do?? - 7/17/2008 9:56:16 PM
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cynthia
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I'm sorry too. This has got to be very difficult and heartbreaking for your family. May the Lord bring healing and peace to you and yours.
_____________________________
The devil isn't winning, but he wants you to think he is so you will give up and let him win. Often the battle is hardest before the victory. You may get bloody, but that doesn't mean you are losing, it only means you are fighting.
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