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Thinker and Doer - 7/26/2008 5:46:25 PM
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AngieCat
Posts: 226
Joined: 1/23/2008
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How does a thinker and doer live together?
My husband is a thinker. He thinks and thinks and thinks then processes. He doesn't always relate what he is thinking or processing so I don't realize he is even thinking.
I am a doer. I see something needs done, and I take care of it.
What has happened in our marriage is that I now do and he has become complacent. I get frustrated because he has gradually lost his opinion and initiative because I am the doer. It is easier for him to take a back seat in the relationship when making plans, taking care of our son, etc. Since I don't like seeing things not done, I take care of it.
I realize I can be too much of a go getter. This comes from my upbringing as well as being a single mom (prior to our marriage) for 8 years. I worked hard to get in the financial, secure position I am in and have a hard time not moving forward.
How do I let me husband play a role? How do I step down from taking charge? HELP please!
_____________________________
Angela
Blessed Mother of 2- Derek, age 10, and Hannah born November 9th
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RE: Thinker and Doer - 7/26/2008 7:18:46 PM
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ChoirDJ
Posts: 473
Joined: 6/15/2006
From: So Cal
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Hi Angiecat...your husband sounds a lot like what I used to be like when I was married. To be honest, that was one of the things I came up with in looking at how I had contributed to the breakdown of the marriage. Not to mention, this is an area that I have grown a lot in and I continue to work on it diligently.
I too married a single mom who had her own way of doing things and had difficulty letting go of the reigns. I lost a lot of confidence through her tendency to be very critical of how I did things. I found it very hard to approach my ex when I made mistakes because she would really rub my nose in it. She became increasingly unapproachable over time so I found it harder and harder to not shut down out of hurt. I rarely felt we were working together on the problems in life and I often felt like she just had a need to compete against me and show me up. Long story short, I got weary of fighting my ex for the lead in the relationship so I started going into ostrich-mode about issues just to avoid the conflict.
Men sometimes shrink back for other reasons like lack of confidence so it may help your husband over time to help him get back in the drivers seat. Keep in mind that he will make so poor choices and he may not do some things as well as you might. I'm not saying to not help him see pitfalls because I believe that is very much a part of being a suitable helper. Knowing that he has a wife that has put trust and confidence in him will make him more conscientious and humble about making better choices. The point is to encourage him to lead and to know that he has a supportive and loving wife at his side. I really do believe this is God's design and he will bless your attitude and marriage despite what your husband does.
_____________________________
"Sin will take you further than you intended to go, keep you there longer than you intended to stay, and cost you more than you intended to spend." Got it?
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RE: Thinker and Doer - 7/26/2008 7:23:50 PM
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manda59
Posts: 6025
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
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How about next time you see something that needs doing, you ask him his opinion on it first?
_____________________________
"Once again....drum roll please! Manda is right"
doinkdom, October 2008
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RE: Thinker and Doer - 7/26/2008 7:26:47 PM
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AngieCat
Posts: 226
Joined: 1/23/2008
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Wow, Choir, your role in your marriage sounds almost exactly like my husband's. My role sounds similar to your ex-wife although I don't think I am so critical that I rub mistakes in his face. Then again I am not him. He does go into ostrich-mode. My jaw is dropping from the similarity.
From your perspective, what can I do? How do I let him get into the driver's seat?
_____________________________
Angela
Blessed Mother of 2- Derek, age 10, and Hannah born November 9th
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RE: Thinker and Doer - 7/26/2008 8:17:33 PM
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Aenjal
Posts: 16
Joined: 7/15/2008
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You could try a few different things and see what kind of reaction he has:
1. Give him some type of incentive when you want him to take action or tell you something. (you know what he likes: rewarding him for stepping/speaking up can help)
2. Show your interest in his opinion (you could try saying something similar to this: I really wanna know what's goin on inside your [insert applicable compliment here] mind)
3. If he is just sitting around thinking all day, hand him a Bible and see what he says. You guys could read the Bible together (there's a lot of good stuff in there, try reading Proverbs and then Romans with him and discuss what you are reading. There are hidden meanings and wisdom in there, it isn't simply a story book. It was inspired by God, and has quotes from Jesus. It's a good way to get to know the Almighty Father better, and is a great read. There are quite a few different versions (I would recommend either of the King James versions or the New American Standard Bible/NASB)).
Try doing what you can to please God and show your love for Him.
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RE: Thinker and Doer - 7/26/2008 10:48:33 PM
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HisCovenant
Posts: 4291
Joined: 4/12/2005
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I'm in a similar situation, and I find if I don't "do" than dh will. It's really hard sometimes to sit back and see something undone for a while and to be patient while he thinks things through. But if I jump in, he doesn't get a chance to ever "do."
I also think understanding that he processes things and makes decisions differently than you do is the first step. That doesn't make either one of you "wrong." I find with dh, if I just hold back and give him time, we always end up with the same results because we are both following Christ foremost. Another thing is that this is probably frustrating for him as well, so help him to understand and be patient.
_____________________________
-HisCovenant/ Zipporah
My friends call me Zippy!
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RE: Thinker and Doer - 7/27/2008 1:56:30 AM
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ChoirDJ
Posts: 473
Joined: 6/15/2006
From: So Cal
Status: offline
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I very much agree with the previous posters. He didn't learn how to shut down over time so he want learn how to step up to the plate overnight either.
1). Asking him to lead a weekly devotional would be really nice. I tried doing the family devotional thing with my family for a while but I got so discouraged by my ex's blatantly disrespectful attitude that I lost heart and gave up.
2). Major decisions...let the DH know that you respect him as the leader of the family and you will be expecting him to mke the major decisions for the family. And then wait for him to make the decision as the previous poster stated even if there are negative consequences. Believe me...you wont even remember what those consequences were in 6 months so don't swear over them. It will change the dynamics of your marriage over time. I was forced to step up to the plate with the decisions when we separated and I've surprised myself about how competent I could be. I didn't realize how much my self-esteem and confidence took a hit.
3). Hear him out...many men learn to stop expressing themselves because the moment they say something the wife doesn't agree with, she's all over him. My ex used to ask me my opinion on occasions but interrupt me mid-stream out of defensiveness before I could finish my thought. Then she would shut down on me and withhold things like affection so I learned I couldn't really be honest with her about certain topics. I walked around biting my tongue alot and I had to sit back and let her learn so many things the hard way. A little side note on this point. You may not feel you are being very critical but many women don't realize how critical or disrespectful they are actually being to their husbands. Ask him honestly how he feels about the respect level and be humble when he answers the question. Don't cut him off, don't get defensive and don't "punish" him for being honest or you will discourage his honesty. The truth may hurt but it will help both of you to be better spouses to each other. I'm not saying you have to agree with everything he says but send him the message that you respect his feelings just as much as you respect your own.
_____________________________
"Sin will take you further than you intended to go, keep you there longer than you intended to stay, and cost you more than you intended to spend." Got it?
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RE: Thinker and Doer - 7/27/2008 3:00:51 PM
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AngieCat
Posts: 226
Joined: 1/23/2008
Status: offline
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Thank you all for your help! You have definitely given me insight into how I can change.
_____________________________
Angela
Blessed Mother of 2- Derek, age 10, and Hannah born November 9th
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RE: Thinker and Doer - 7/27/2008 3:12:59 PM
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likeruth
Posts: 2
Joined: 7/27/2008
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Congratulations, you are thinking wisely, at the end of your thread you said: "How I could change" You are not looking to change him, but to change your own attitude as well. One thing I do is that when I pray, I ask God to allow me to see my husband the way He sees him. That has helped me immensly. Also, I read the book: For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn and it helped me sooooo very much. I understand my husband in so many ways now. You may want to read it as well. I wish you the best.
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RE: Thinker and Doer - 7/27/2008 6:48:06 PM
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ChoirDJ
Posts: 473
Joined: 6/15/2006
From: So Cal
Status: offline
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AngieCat...you took a major step in the right direction by coming to this forum and you may have saved your marriage. I read so many posts about women who waited too late to start respecting and listening to their husbands. Many women don't have a clue that DH is even thinking about leaving until he has reached the limit and made the decision too leave.
_____________________________
"Sin will take you further than you intended to go, keep you there longer than you intended to stay, and cost you more than you intended to spend." Got it?
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RE: Thinker and Doer - 7/28/2008 4:18:05 PM
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all4aremine
Posts: 53
Joined: 7/24/2008
Status: offline
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I am glad to see that you notice that you can only change you. I am formerly a single mother so doing everything for myself and my child was essential. I started dating a man that was used to always being the doer in his relationships also because his previous wife wouldn't do anything for them. So it was very hard for me to let go of anything and it was hard for him to let me do things on my own. It was so bad that at one time I had a flat tire and refused to let him fix it for me because that is not my style- whatever a man can do a woman can do was my thinking.
Well it was getting between our relationship. Finally I started reading the Scripture and the roles of husbands and wives and started to let go of my control issue. We sat down together to read it because there was some things he wasn't doing that he should be doing. We sat for about 2 hours just discussing what we needed to improve on and what we needed from each other. Since then there hasn't been one disagreement or any thing that has gone undone. We work as a team after our roles were defined for us.
I would suggest reading 1Peter Chapter 3 with your husband. This one has actually helped my husband and I and also another couple that was going through the same thing as you are.
Good luck 
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RE: Thinker and Doer - 7/29/2008 8:33:53 PM
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HisCovenant
Posts: 4291
Joined: 4/12/2005
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I'm glad it helped. We have a wonderful marriage that is complemented continuously... and if I can have a good marriage with all my flaws and misplaced expectations, anyone can!! I really believe (as others here have alluded to) that the secret to a good marriage is for both spouses to be willing to honestly better themselves (or be sanctified and repentant to use Biblical jargon.)
_____________________________
-HisCovenant/ Zipporah
My friends call me Zippy!
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yesterday but hopefully with time and him pointing it out I will stop. 