|
Users viewing this topic:
none
|
|
Login  | |
|
Tween boys and their friends - 7/25/2008 8:04:08 AM
|
|
|
bailey021397
Posts: 7
Joined: 7/25/2008
Status: offline
|
Thought I might ask in a christian forum. My son is 11yrs old and is having trouble with his friends. There are 4 boys that always hang out together, including my son. They have a lot of fun together usually but lately there's been some tension. Last night, they deliberately did something that hurt his feelings and now I'm so torn up by it all.
My question is: how do other parents handle this situation?
|
|
|
|
RE: Tween boys and their friends - 7/25/2008 8:13:03 AM
|
|
|
manda59
Posts: 5433
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
Status: offline
|
Are these boys from church, from school or from the local neighbourhood?
And where do they "hang out"?
_____________________________
"That's what I would say as well."
Mrs Wifey, August 2008.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Tween boys and their friends - 7/25/2008 10:25:12 AM
|
|
|
pbaribeault
Posts: 1111
Joined: 4/29/2005
Status: offline
|
At 11 I'd probably choose to be a good listener, encourager & adviser.
I'd ask what happened, how he felt then, how he feels now, how he feels about each of the boys (not all 3). I'd help him to brainstorm ideas (mostly his ideas) of what someone in his position might do, then I'd help him think through what might happen if he did a few of the better options. I'd try to refrain from pushing him to my favorite option. I'd encourage him to have a 'plan A' for if things go back to normal and a 'plan B' for if something like this happens again.
If he seemed really in favour of an unwise option (something that put him at significant risk of more than getting his feelings hurt once in a while) I might switch to authority mode and take that option off the table (not while brainstorming, just if it seemed like that was his choice). Otherwise I'd help him clarify and feel strong about his plan.
If I thought it might be necessary for me to do something, I'd tell him my plan. Like if one or two more incidents would make me phone the other parents, or what would make me restrict his contact with them, or supervise them, and how I would do that... so that he can make his own plans with that information in mind.
Thinking long term, if your boy is going to be with his peers, you'd rather he felt strong, acted strong and by doing so set some standards for his immediate circle of friends. That's why I would take this kind of action rather than parental action. It's a really good time for him to be setting the dynamics and learning the skills for his future social life... the stakes are low, and the peers are not set in their ways yet.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Tween boys and their friends - 7/25/2008 2:32:29 PM
|
|
|
bailey021397
Posts: 7
Joined: 7/25/2008
Status: offline
|
Thanks for the advice.. they are neighborhood friends but we have been working with them to get them involved in our church.
I think that I can use this as a teaching experience for him as to how NOT treat your friends. I wonder if he should talk to the main culprit of the problem to let him know how he feels and to ask him, if the situation was reversed, how would he feel?! Any thoughts on that?
Thanks again...I'm praying it will all resolve itself without further instances.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Tween boys and their friends - 7/25/2008 3:11:51 PM
|
|
|
manda59
Posts: 5433
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: bailey021397
I think that I can use this as a teaching experience for him as to how NOT treat your friends. I wonder if he should talk to the main culprit of the problem to let him know how he feels and to ask him, if the situation was reversed, how would he feel?! Any thoughts on that?
He could get laughed at if he makes himself too vulnerable to them over his feelings. Boys can be pretty mean, and boys who demonstrate having feelings can be labelled weak, wet or "gay".
I'd suggest that you consider putting it to him that he spends a little less time with them, and concentrates on his school and church friendships. Not to back off from them completely, but to keep the friendship in perspective. If they did something to deliberately hurt/upset him, it may be that they don't really want him around as much anyway, even if they have been friends up till now. People change.
Are you comfortable sharing exactly what they did?
_____________________________
"That's what I would say as well."
Mrs Wifey, August 2008.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Tween boys and their friends - 7/25/2008 4:21:14 PM
|
|
|
MrsDC
Posts: 174
Joined: 8/17/2005
From: Sinaloa, Mexico
Status: offline
|
I agree with both Manda and Pbari. At 11 your son is in that (rightly called) tween stage where he really doesn't need you to tell him how to respond -- he needs you to listen to how he thinks he should respond and then to agree or disagree or possibly offer another option he hasn't thought of. At age 8 or 9 we might still step in and "solve" their problems, but at 11 he really needs to do it for himself.
So what we've done is pretty much what the first two posters suggested...and we pray for our boys a lot.
Hope that was somewhat helpful. Eleven is a really hard age -- I think especially for boys. Be sure you're spending time with your son praying specifically for needs in his life. It may seem awkward if you haven't been in the habit of doing it, but it's a habit you'll never regret starting!!!
Blessings!
-- Rebecca
_____________________________
*Just pretend I have a great signature with some profound statement and great graphics.*
Come check out my blog about living and homeschooling in Mexico!
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Tween boys and their friends - 7/25/2008 4:45:59 PM
|
|
|
pbaribeault
Posts: 1111
Joined: 4/29/2005
Status: offline
|
quote:
I wonder if he should talk to the main culprit of the problem to let him know how he feels and to ask him, if the situation was reversed, how would he feel?! Any thoughts on that?
quote:
that he spends a little less time with them, and concentrates on his school and church friendships. Not to back off from them completely, but to keep the friendship in perspective.
I'd make sure both of these options are 'on the drawing board' -- ideas of things someone in his position might do... but I wouldn't be pushing him towards any particular option (just away from unacceptable or unwise options).
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Tween boys and their friends - 7/26/2008 10:22:52 AM
|
|
|
bailey021397
Posts: 7
Joined: 7/25/2008
Status: offline
|
Manda and everyone,
Thanks for all of your replies. The whole story is a little long but I'll try to shorten as much as I can. We moved into a new neighborhood so the group started out with just my son and the neighbor's son. All was great. Then two, same aged boys, moved in across the street. That's when I noticed some changes. They all hang out together on most days and did really well. What I've noticed is that the original neighbor boy seems to be very competitive for the new boys' attention. When they are all at my house and the new boys are having fun with my son the other will come over and think of something to do at his house so the attention is shifted towards him.
A couple of days ago I had all of the boys at the neigbborhood pool, they were all rough housing. I let them play without interfering but it started to escalate, as boys do, I told them to cool it because I could see that someone was definately going to get hurt. Of course, the original boy didn't quit, after I told him twice and my son told him that he'd had enough and one of the other boys had stopped. My son was the one that got hurt. I was furious and left the pool without saying a word, my son was hurt and he had no respect for me telling him to stop. We did talk to the boy a little while later, after I had cooled off, he apologized and I thought all was well. The next night is when my son was left out of the sleepover. My son had been over there playing with them and the original neighbor boy asked him when he was leaving. We kept them apart yesterday, just to give everyone a break.
It's really hard.... I don't want them to think they can walk all over him but I don't want him to appear weak either if he tells them/him how he feels.
My son really hasn't said much about it lately and we've kind of left it alone. We've done alot of praying and listening to his feelings. It's very hard to bite my tongue and not give out solutions but I've done ok so far. I've just told him that I'm very proud of the way he handles himself in times of struggle.
Sorry for the length, all of your advice has been great.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Tween boys and their friends - 7/26/2008 10:42:00 AM
|
|
|
manda59
Posts: 5433
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
Status: offline
|
It's very difficult; I am imagining that the other boys maybe didn't like it that you got involved. Now, I am not saying you were necessarily wrong to get involved - but personally I'd probably have held back and let the pool staff (lifeguards etc) deal with it.
IMO it's a lot of pressure on your son to be closely dealing with 3 boys from non-Christian homes. I wouldn't have wanted my son to be in that position at 11 yrs old. And it's a little off-topic, but I wouldn't have wanted him going on a sleepover with 3 non-Christian boys at that age either.
The fact that they left him out of the sleepover, and asked when he was leaving, indicates that he is not in the driving seat over this issue. They have made it clear that they don't really want him around, for now anyway, and his choice is either to step back and leave it to them, or try to get back in with them again. I personally wouldn't favour the latter option, as it could make him appear desperate and could open him up to being rejected again. But it's clearly up to him.
I'm not actually surprised they've had a parting of the ways - friendships can flourish between Christian and non-Christian teens, but it is often the way that they are just too different in how they think, behave etc.
(my children are an 19yo ds and a 14 yo dd btw)
Does your son have other friendship groups - say, at school and at church?
_____________________________
"That's what I would say as well."
Mrs Wifey, August 2008.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Tween boys and their friends - 7/26/2008 9:41:36 PM
|
|
|
csl7037
Posts: 1034
Joined: 3/24/2008
Status: offline
|
First, I have to say, be glad you have a boy - this started with dd and her friends at about 8! This past school year, third grade, it was absolutely brutal with the girls in dd's Christian school. So I don't think it has all that much to do with the friends not being from Christian families.
I do think some degree of the issues might be because you've inserted yourself in the situation. Especially with boys. There were several times in the last school year I wanted to call a "mommy meeting" and read a few of them the riot act, quite frankly. But I had to just deal with it at my dd's level and, as someone else said, use it as a teaching opportunity. If so and so is going to be ugly to you - stay away from her!! If/when she's ugly to your friend or to anyone else, tell her she's being ugly and walk away. There are lots of very nice, very kind, girls in dd's class; there's no reason any of them need to put up with the two or three little brats.
There are actually several moms in the school who I handle with kid gloves myself. I'm cordial, even friendly, but I have no illusions about what they may be saying to other people about me. You could line up the moms of the girls in dd's classes and pick out the ones who have the "mean girls" for daughters. I love my kids' school and these moms/kids are the minority but it is that bad.
These are hard lessons but I learned last year to be thankful for these opportunities to teach dd the right way to treat people. It's so frustrating that some parents apparently teach their children to be top of the heap, at the expense of others. Now I'm just venting.....
Some people are just not pleasant to be around for whatever reason. Start now teaching your son to look for people who will build him up and not tear him down. I'm trying to teach dd that people act the way they do because they're insecure or hurting in their own way and trying to hide it - she's had one little boy in her class who's been a perfect example of this for me to use. She needs to be kind to these people and patient but she also needs to focus her time and invest her emotion in friendships with people who will support and accept her, not belittle her or others to make themselves feel better.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Tween boys and their friends - 7/26/2008 9:59:10 PM
|
|
|
bailey021397
Posts: 7
Joined: 7/25/2008
Status: offline
|
csl, thank you... my daughter is 5, so I've got that to look forward too:) As a side note, the only reason I inserted myself was because it was a deliberate act.. the boy wet his shirt, twisted it and whacked my son on the back, after my son had told him not to. It left a 4" bruise on his back....
All seemed well today with all of them...we'll see what each day brings and keep praying.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Tween boys and their friends - 7/26/2008 10:32:21 PM
|
|
|
manda59
Posts: 5433
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: csl7037
Some people are just not pleasant to be around for whatever reason. Start now teaching your son to look for people who will build him up and not tear him down. I'm trying to teach dd that people act the way they do because they're insecure or hurting in their own way and trying to hide it - she's had one little boy in her class who's been a perfect example of this for me to use. She needs to be kind to these people and patient but she also needs to focus her time and invest her emotion in friendships with people who will support and accept her, not belittle her or others to make themselves feel better.
Absolutely! This is vital!! I've been through this with both my children and am in agreement that this has to be the way to go.
_____________________________
"That's what I would say as well."
Mrs Wifey, August 2008.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Tween boys and their friends - 7/26/2008 10:33:30 PM
|
|
|
manda59
Posts: 5433
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
Status: offline
|
bailey
Maybe you didn't see my question to you?
quote:
ORIGINAL: manda59
Does your son have other friendship groups - say, at school and at church?
_____________________________
"That's what I would say as well."
Mrs Wifey, August 2008.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Tween boys and their friends - 7/26/2008 10:39:02 PM
|
|
|
bailey021397
Posts: 7
Joined: 7/25/2008
Status: offline
|
Manda,
He does have a connect group at church but most of those children go to a different school... I think alot of the issues will be resolved once school starts again and there is a lot less idle time...and he'll be back in touch with friends there.. Over the summer, all of everyone's vacations and work schedules have limited what we could do.
Our church doesn't offer as many activites during the summer as they do once school starts. They follow the school calendar. So in a couple of weeks we'll be back to Sundays and Wednesday nights and lots of stuff to do... Can't wait.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Tween boys and their friends - 7/26/2008 10:45:42 PM
|
|
|
manda59
Posts: 5433
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
Status: offline
|
Thing is, if these are the only friends who are around, circumstances will tend to keep forcing him back with them, and also give them an exaggerated place of importance in his heart and mind. I'd suggest you help him to keep a sense of perspective by making sure there are other things to do, as a family (do you have other children or is he an only child?), or by inviting one or more other children over that he knows from church, so that he doesn't end up being dependen on these lads.
Another thing to bear in mind is what is it going to be like, say, in a year's time, 2 year's time, 3 or 4 years' time. If this friendship is allowed to really flourish, it won't be long before these boys may be doing things you don't want your son doing, and unless your son is really independent and strong, and not easily led, he could be being influenced down wrong paths. And it's much harder to tell them what to do, or even just to guide them, when they are 14 or 15, than when they are 11. Habits that are set up now might come back to bite you in the butt in the future.
_____________________________
"That's what I would say as well."
Mrs Wifey, August 2008.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Tween boys and their friends - 7/26/2008 10:53:46 PM
|
|
|
bailey021397
Posts: 7
Joined: 7/25/2008
Status: offline
|
We spend time as a family often... he's got a little sister... we really make it a priority...
We're doing ok for now, working through it and on forgiveness... the boys aren't bad kids, just not making the right decisions out of the one boys sense of competition. His family has started attending our church this summer and he was baptised at middle school camp. He's still learning, as are we. The other boys are starting their journey with Jesus. So hopefully my son will be the one to influence them...
With patience, perserverence, and prayer all things are possible. 
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Tween boys and their friends - 7/26/2008 11:20:49 PM
|
|
|
manda59
Posts: 5433
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: bailey021397
We spend time as a family often... he's got a little sister... we really make it a priority...
That's good. It's very important that "being home" represents something desirable and relaxing.
quote:
The other boys are starting their journey with Jesus. So hopefully my son will be the one to influence them...
Whether or not this happens depends very much on where your own child is with the Lord, and what kind of child/young person he is. My two have been very much the ones to influence their peers, but then again right from an early age they were the ones not afraid to be different or to make a stand. But then we deliberately limited the time and emotional energy they invested in others who weren't good for them.
Some good friends of ours could tell another tale. They adopted the attitude of letting their dd be friends with whoever she liked, imagining that she would influence them for the good. But it has gone the other way. We could see it, but the parents were in denial for a long time and by the time they realised something was wrong, she was already in deep trouble. They transferred her to my dd's high school, hoping for a fresh start, but instead she hooked up right away with the trouble-makers and now doesn't attend church and is involved in alcohol and drugs. At 14.
It is good that this other boy is involved in church, but it doesn't sound right now that he is particularly strong. I'd advise you to keep a close eye on the friendship, and to encourage what csl7037 said - for him to seek out friends who will build him up and support him, rather than tear him down.
IMO it will be hard for your son to be the influence on this group when there is only one of him and three of them. If the other boy started to choose to stand with him, that would be different. I guess only time will tell.
_____________________________
"That's what I would say as well."
Mrs Wifey, August 2008.
|
|
|
|
 New Messages |
 No New Messages |
 Hot Topic w/ New Messages |
 Hot Topic w/o New Messages |
 Locked w/ New Messages |
 Locked w/o New Messages |
|
 Post New Thread
Reply to Message
Post New Poll
Submit Vote
Delete My Own Post
Delete My Own Thread
Rate Posts |
|
|
Forum Tools
Printable Version
