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chastity? - 6/15/2008 4:30:53 PM
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camelot12
Posts: 29
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so i have been with my bf for 3.5 years and we are happy together. We are eachother's firsts so there's no emotional baggage or anything, and that's a nice feeling. I love him so much.
The issue--3.5 years is a long time to go without sex is it not? I know premarital sex is wrong because the bible is clear on that. And even if the Bible didn't say that I think there are some good non-religious reasons for waiting till marriage (chivalry, no concern about pregnancy's or std's, exc).
However, it's not easy waiting this long and a lot of times I feel like I have to have superwoman strength, because it's a continous struggle that never goes away and won't anytime soon. I wish my feelings would go away. We're not done with our college education for another 2 years and we plan on finishing our education before considering marriage so that will total about 6 years of dating altogether.
How do you make those feelings go away?
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RE: chastity? - 6/15/2008 4:33:32 PM
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DenimDiva
Posts: 6023
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From: CA
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quote:
ORIGINAL: camelot12
How do you make those feelings go away?
I don't know if you can. I don't think you're meant to.
_____________________________
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RE: chastity? - 6/15/2008 4:49:37 PM
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Wild-Rose
Posts: 237
Joined: 1/11/2006
From: Upstate NY
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quote:
we plan on finishing our education before considering marriage
Why?
Why not get married now?
_____________________________
Wild-Rose
Rejoice that your name is written in heaven. Luke 10:20
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RE: chastity? - 6/15/2008 5:11:12 PM
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camelot12
Posts: 29
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quote:
Why not get married now?
we want to be able to support ourselves financially before getting married and we can't do that until we graduate and get jobs.
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RE: chastity? - 6/15/2008 6:30:32 PM
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MissInnocent
Posts: 136
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My cousin and her husband were together for almost 8 years before they married, NO SEX...so No 3.5 years is nothing.
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RE: chastity? - 6/15/2008 9:01:57 PM
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Wild-Rose
Posts: 237
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From: Upstate NY
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quote:
we want to be able to support ourselves financially before getting married and we can't do that until we graduate and get jobs.
I don't understand this thinking. Millions of people support themselves before and during college. You don't need a degree in order to get a job and support yourselves.
_____________________________
Wild-Rose
Rejoice that your name is written in heaven. Luke 10:20
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RE: chastity? - 6/16/2008 10:56:30 AM
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preserved
Posts: 1063
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Your feeling will not go away...however you with God's help can contain your feelings...However, the two of you will have to be strong in your conviction with it...If you should slip and fall...God will forgive you...
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RE: chastity? - 6/16/2008 1:57:46 PM
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3cappuccinosmom
Posts: 2570
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quote:
The issue--3.5 years is a long time to go without sex is it not?
Actually, no, it's not. Do you know that there are people who live their entire lives celibate. Decades and decades. It can be done.  You do not need superhuman strength. You need God's help and just a tad of wise decision making (a wise decision, for example, would be to commit to not making out, not being in each other's rooms without chaperones, not putting yourself into the temptation of sinning )
Here's the thing...the reason God forbids sex outside of marriage is because it is *damaging*. It's not just sinning against God and others, it's sinning against our own bodies and it carries serious consequences, physical and emotional. For one thing, no matter how many forms of birth control you use, you may get blessed with a baby before you had planned. So if having a baby is going to ruin your life or mess up your plans, you shouldn't be having sex. Second, having sex without a covenental committment leaves the back door open, so to speak. It also will blind you to possible problems and red flags in the relationship. As a woman you are especially vulnerable to hurt, and adding sex to a non-married relationship multiplies the potential to hurt even more.
There is nothing wrong with marrying while you're in school. And if you feel you are not ready or completely sure of marrying this man (or if he is unsure or unwilling to marry), you should not, not, not be giving your body up to him. You will have to be open to the possibility of children, even on birth control, but very often two can live cheaper than one, you can combine incomes and live frugally, and be just fine. I don't know what you mean by "supporting yourselves financially" but if you are working and going to school, you can do it. You don't have to buy a house, buy new cars, buy new furniture, or anything like that in the first 5 years of marriage. Your school may have married student housing, or you could also live in a small one-bedroom or even studio or efficiency apartment while you're workign your way through school.
_____________________________
 Moo
Shameless Self Promotion
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RE: chastity? - 6/16/2008 2:39:15 PM
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camelot12
Posts: 29
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quote:
Actually, no, it's not. Do you know that there are people who live their entire lives celibate. Decades and decades. It can be done.
Actually let me rephrase that. 3.5 years is a long time to go without sex when you are in a serious relationship with someone that you love so much and who grows to mean the world to you. When you share thoughts, dreams, time and see eachother on a regular basis you get closer-- you become very emotionally attached and eventually you want to take things farther and give all of yourself to someone; I think that's normal. From what you guys are saying about countless other people who are romantically involved with someone for 3.5 years and up without having temptation problems I feel abnormal. 3.5 years should be easy in terms of sexual temptation?
It is far much easier to be celibate when you're single and yes, i would probably not struggle with what I'm struggling right now if my bf was out of the picture and I wasn't seeing someone.
However, not everyone is called to be celibate like the apostle Paul. And I know I was not called to be celibate.
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RE: chastity? - 6/16/2008 2:55:21 PM
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ChoirDJ
Posts: 465
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From: So Cal
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Firstly, I commend you both on your committment to not having sex until you're married. Unfortunately, that committment is compromised so much even among those who call themselves Christians.
Your OP points to one of the downsides of being in a dating relationship so soon before you are ready to get married. In my opinion, dating should be reserved for someone who is looking for a marriage partner. Assuming you'll still continue to date your boyfriend, I would suggest not putting yourself in situations where you or the other person is tempted sexually (i.e., spending time alone, hanging out at each other's places when nobody else is around, discussing topics related to sex, watching certain movies, etc.). There is no way to make those feelings go away besides avoiding the very scenarios that get the hormones going in the wrong direction. Each person's threshold his different so it's important to be considerate of what that other person finds tempting and not just yourself. My experience is that many women tend to not be as sensitive to how they can make men struggle sexually. If you are feeling tempted sexually, he is probably feeling that same degree of temptation times 10 because that's how many man are.
quote:
Why not get married now?
This poster insinuated that you don't have to wait until you finish school and settle down before you get married. While this may be true, there's a lot of wisdom in waiting until you both are able to mature and fully take on the responsibilities that come with marriage
_____________________________
"Sin will take you further than you intended to go, keep you there longer than you intended to stay, and cost you more than you intended to spend." Got it?
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RE: chastity? - 6/16/2008 3:16:43 PM
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Wild-Rose
Posts: 237
Joined: 1/11/2006
From: Upstate NY
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quote:
Why not get married now?
This poster insinuated that you don't have to wait until you finish school and settle down before you get married. While this may be true, there's a lot of wisdom in waiting until you both are able to mature and fully take on the responsibilities that come with marriage
Actually I'll tell you what my real motive was in asking this question. Sometimes people put off marriage because their parents are supporting them and putting them through school. They don't want to get married because it is easier to let Mom and Dad foot the bill. What they decide is an indication of maturity, and that's what I was trying to get a hint at in this case. It would be helpful to know the age of these two young people if the OP would like to tell us.
OP please don't be offended at what I said. I know that I don't know you and my guess may be wrong. But that's the reason we ask questions, to try to get an idea what is really going on that the OP has not told us yet.
_____________________________
Wild-Rose
Rejoice that your name is written in heaven. Luke 10:20
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RE: chastity? - 6/16/2008 3:26:19 PM
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MissInnocent
Posts: 136
Joined: 5/3/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: camelot12
quote:
Actually, no, it's not. Do you know that there are people who live their entire lives celibate. Decades and decades. It can be done.
Actually let me rephrase that. 3.5 years is a long time to go without sex when you are in a serious relationship with someone that you love so much and who grows to mean the world to you. When you share thoughts, dreams, time and see eachother on a regular basis you get closer-- you become very emotionally attached and eventually you want to take things farther and give all of yourself to someone; I think that's normal. From what you guys are saying about countless other people who are romantically involved with someone for 3.5 years and up without having temptation problems I feel abnormal. 3.5 years should be easy in terms of sexual temptation?
It is far much easier to be celibate when you're single and yes, i would probably not struggle with what I'm struggling right now if my bf was out of the picture and I wasn't seeing someone.
However, not everyone is called to be celibate like the apostle Paul. And I know I was not called to be celibate.
camelot, my cousin admitted to me that she and her hubby came close a couple times. But the fact is she had made a committment YEARS before meeting him to save herself till she was legally wed. He while not a virgin himself supported and respected her so they waited. Why did they wait so long to get married? Same reason you talked about, getting lined out fianancially. But the point is they DID wait. You are not abnormal to WANT to have sex, but you would be very wrong if you DID have sex. Yes God will forgive you but please just heed the advice of those who made suggestions on how to avoid the temptation.
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RE: chastity? - 6/16/2008 5:05:13 PM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 792
Joined: 11/28/2005
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I heard a sermon not too long ago about
people staying single past their time ... and end up having sex (accidentally going too far.)
If the commitment is strong and those desires are raging in this relationship -
it's either time to get married or break up(flee temptation!) Don't play with the "fire" you will get burned!
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RE: chastity? - 6/18/2008 3:04:23 AM
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mayfly
Posts: 74
Joined: 5/26/2008
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Well said 3cappuccinosmom and Brandy! Those are the only Godly choices you can make at this point.
_____________________________
I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word I put my hope.
Psalm 130:5
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RE: chastity? - 6/18/2008 1:08:50 PM
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camelot12
Posts: 29
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quote:
Basically step back your relationship to a point where you are not putting yourselves in harms why by falling into temptation.
Well this temptation problem isn't an issue anymore. It was hard to do but I broke up with him in person last night, so we have gone from being best friends with regular contact to absolutely nothing/no relationship (we can't be just friends). It took him by surprise and he was utterly heartbroken, and I was heartbroken too, but we decided it was for the best, because the temptation is too great and torturous and we're both not ready for marriage yet (we're too young (we're 21) and it's too expensive and we don't have real full time jobs yet).
quote:
But really, unless mom and dad are paying for your schooling or you are living in dorms and cannot afford to live together at all, GET MARRIED.
Our parents are paying for our schooling and we do live in dorms.
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RE: chastity? - 6/18/2008 2:04:35 PM
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ChoirDJ
Posts: 465
Joined: 6/15/2006
From: So Cal
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Camelot12, it sounds like you did the most mature thing under the circumstances and I'm sure that must have been hard to do. Actually, that type of maturity is very uncommon in your age group, which is why som many youth find themselves in predicaments they're not prepared to handle. I doubt that you will have any regrets though when you look back on this decision because God always blesses godly decisions. I would hate to think of the two of you not being mature enough to get off the train before it wrecked both of your lives.
_____________________________
"Sin will take you further than you intended to go, keep you there longer than you intended to stay, and cost you more than you intended to spend." Got it?
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RE: chastity? - 6/18/2008 2:20:24 PM
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Stronger2day
Posts: 106
Joined: 5/26/2008
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camelot12, you've shown great strength thus far...hold out til marriage and reap the blessings. Please take it from someone who gave into sin and has spent her marriage dealing with the repercussions of those choices. What a great wedding gift to eachother- purity.
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