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difficult sitch with parents... - 5/19/2008 8:09:31 PM
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HisChild78
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hey all
so i have a difficult situation that i really need advice on...
i am 20 and attend a Christian university. it is my first year being away from home, and my family is very very close. i started dating someone at the beginning of the year who was also a Christian. my grades started to slip, and we were spending way too much time together and not developing friendships with other people. my parents saw this and grew very concerned, so when Christmas break came they forced us to break up. the whole time i was home was really horrible, because we were going through some family problems, and my boyfriend and i didnt want to break up. he also did not take it well, and acted selfish and a little rude.
after all of that was over, my parents made a rule that i am not allowed to be friends with him or anything or i will be pulled out of school. now that it has been five months since the breakup, he has changed greatly. (he is and has been a christian) Even though i am not allowed to befriend him, we have started to talk more, against my parents wishes. (they dont know that we are talking more) he honestly just wants to start over again and get a second chance because he realizes what he has done wrong.
i realize that we needed to break up in december. college is a time where you are supposed to be making friends and having fun, but we got too serious too fast. now that a lot of time has passed and i see that we have changed, i want to give us a second chance. my parents still wont budge. i honestly dont think that my parents should threaten school over being friends with him. i understand why they wouldn't like him after what happened in december, but i wish they would give him a second chance.
however
i need to honor them and respect what they say. all i want is God's will in my life, and i have realized that i cannot have that if i am disrespecting my parents and sinning like this. i just dont know what to do...but when i try to talk to my parents about seeing things differently it never works out and they threaten to take me out of school. my parents are wonderful people....all they want is the best for me. i love them so much and they have done so much for me in my life, but this is just one thing i dont think they have right.
help?
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RE: difficult sitch with parents... - 5/19/2008 8:22:50 PM
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Miss Giggles
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You're an adult. You are old enough to decide who to date and who not to date.
If your parents are paying for your school, then you have to choose between abiding by their wishes and have them pay for school.
So you have to make a choice, if you want to stay in school and continue to live your life the way you want you will have to pay for it and then they have no say so.
Unless you are paying for it or have a scholarship then they can't force you to not see someone. If they are paying for it they can quit paying for it but they cannot withdraw you from the school (I think, you probably have to sign some papers).
Honoring your parents does not mean you have to do everything they say. You need to draw this boundary with your parents or else they will keep trying to make choices for you in the future.
< Message edited by Miss Giggles -- 5/19/2008 8:32:03 PM >
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RE: difficult sitch with parents... - 5/19/2008 8:39:35 PM
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agapetos
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I know people who've started and maintained relationships when they've been in college ~ however they haven't let their grades slip at the same time, nore have that had those relationships to the exclusion of other people.
You're not really clear if by friendship you mean friendship or dating. I can understand why your parents should threaten school if you are friends with this guy. They want you to do well at school and are probably worried that if you start spending time with the guy, your grades will start slipping again. They will perhaps wonder why they are paying for you to go to school (if they are) if you're going to let your grades slip.
If they aren't paying for your education and you are prepared to lose your family's support for a period of time over this issue, then you are free to date him or be friends with him.
Not sure who the guy was rude to, but if it was your parents, he needs to apologise to them. And perhaps he needs to find a way to earn their trust and respect so that they change their view of him and of the two of you being friends/dating.
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RE: difficult sitch with parents... - 5/19/2008 8:40:11 PM
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creationtalk
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My answer below is predicated on the premise that you are still dependent on your parents.
If your parents are paying for college, then they have a right to expect you to spend your time working on your schooling.
If bf has really changed and wants a relationship with you, then instead of going behind your parents backs, he should go to THEM, apologize for his past behavior and ask them what he needs to do to demonstrate that he has changed--and abide by that. You also need to abide by their dictates and demonstrate responsibility--which should result in a lessoning of their control.
If you are self-supporting (both when school is in session and not) and paying for school yourself (this includes scholarships and loans that YOU will pay back with no liability to your parents), then I still think it would be appropriate for your bf to approach your parents and apologize for his past behavior, ask for their blessing, but if they don't give it, you as an adult can decide if you want to see bf.
I suspect that bf's behavior when your parents demanded the breakup are part of what is keeping them from allowing a relationship with him. However, it might also be a good idea to talk to your parents about their objections. It may be that they see something in this man that you are missing. It might be good to listen to them and look critically at this person (I wish I'd listened to my friends who had reservations about my x)
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RE: difficult sitch with parents... - 5/19/2008 9:22:34 PM
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HisChild78
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i think its completley understandable that they made us break up in the first place--i was doing a bad job in school on their money. i realized that i was getting distracted, and i was intending on organizing my time better and ballancing time with him and the girls. i told my parents about doing this, but they took that as an act of defiance when i was only trying to change.
sorry if i was unclear--parents said i cant have a friendship or relationship with him. as of now i only want a friendship with him, then maybe next year or something dating again but right now i just want to stay single and see what God has for me.
i found this out a week ago that he actually did try to apologize back in the begging after break, but when he tried to leave a message he said it sounded as if someone picked up the phone then hung it up again. about a month ago, when trying to talk to my parents about him again they mentioned something about wanting an apology....then shortly after said that if he were to call now and apologize that they would know it was me that told him to do it. he honestly wants to apologize...but they wont give a chance
< Message edited by HisChild78 -- 5/19/2008 9:32:08 PM >
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RE: difficult sitch with parents... - 5/19/2008 9:45:21 PM
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agapetos
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Has he tried writing to them? Even if they still think that it is because of you that he's apologised, he should and can still apologise ~ he was rude to them. IMO, one attempt does not really count as trying to apologise.
It can be pretty difficult for people who were bf/gf to go to being friends and then (perhaps) dating again. I wonder if your parents are concerned whether you'll both be able to accept the different relationship that you would have?
And perhaps what you need to be doing is spending time 'with the girls' and getting your grades back up to show your parents that you are doing something other than pine over this boy?
They may well need a little time to calm down about the situation and you doing as they ask may go a long way ~ as would the apology from your bf.
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RE: difficult sitch with parents... - 5/19/2008 10:06:11 PM
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agapetos
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BTW ~ have you apologised to your parents for becoming so distracted by this guy that your grades slipped? You've made no mention of it, although you have spoken of how you've told your parents the situation would be different.
Perhaps they'd like to hear that you are sorry for the situation if they haven't?
_____________________________
Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not using them in fruit salads!
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RE: difficult sitch with parents... - 5/19/2008 10:15:58 PM
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HisChild78
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i have definatley appologized for my grades slipping and my actions. im guessing that i just need to give this time. within these past five months i have definatley gotten my grades up and made a ton of girlfriends, so perhaps you are right and some more time just needs to pass. i want to tell him to apologize now but im afraid they will accuse me of telling him to do it. (ironic....) thank you so much for your advice 
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RE: difficult sitch with parents... - 5/19/2008 11:29:52 PM
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buckifn
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as a parent myself I don't think it is a parent's decision to choose who their adult kids can or cannot be friends with, date, etc.
What your parent's did have a right to do is withdraw financial support and allow you to become an independent adult making your own choices and decisions and living with those consequences.
That is what I would have done...if you want college bad enough you will manage to work and take out loans to pay for it like so many other adults choose to do. If you are in love with someone and want to be with them that is your choice as well, just make sure you are prepared to deal with all the aspects of your choices.
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RE: difficult sitch with parents... - 5/20/2008 7:49:30 AM
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agapetos
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quote:
i want to tell him to apologize now but im afraid they will accuse me of telling him to do it. (ironic....) Well no one should be told to apologise. He says that he tried to, but seems he's the only one saying that (are you parents the kind of people who would lie about him having tried to make contact?). As I said, one attempt to apologise isn't really much and there are other ways of contacting people other than by phone. Perhaps next time he suggests he wants to apologise, you tell him to try again, and suggest writing to them and then leave the situation in his hands.
And if your parents then accuse you of telling him to do it, tell them the truth, that he brought the desire to apologise up and you suggested the letter and left the contents of the letter to him.
Of course, you're then going to have to admit that you've maintained a friendship with this boy against your parents wishes.
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RE: difficult sitch with parents... - 5/20/2008 10:47:33 AM
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jaimestarcross
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It's understandable that a girl or boy going off to college may become distracted from studying if they get into a serious relationship... and it's good to have parents that insist you keep your grades up if they are paying for college.
If you have things under better control at school and you and the boyfriend are
back to talking then it's your call to continue the friendship.
I think your parents should of answered the phone when your bf called instead of
hanging up the phone(when they heard his voice) ... that wasn't polite or the mature thing to do. After all they want to set a good example of being fair/mature example for their child (you) - them saying if he called now to apologize they would know it was YOU who put him up to it... this isn't a nice thing to say... this type of thing is a form of manipulation. While they have a right to be concerned they shouldn't manipulate.
I also think everyone in this should forgive each other!
All things considered - you have to take responsibility for your actions... you may have to pay for college yourself if you decide on continuing to have a friendship or dating relationship with the bf while in college... If your parents decide to pull rank and insist no relationship with the bf.
I went to community college and I also attend an accredited college by internet... I paid for my own education... my mom wasn't able to work due to a long time illness.
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RE: difficult sitch with parents... - 5/20/2008 4:25:32 PM
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agapetos
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quote:
hanging up the phone(when they heard his voice) ... that wasn't polite or the mature thing to do. From what I can tell, the only person who's said this has happened so far has been the bf. And until the parents side is given, we can't judge them. I've hung up on folk when there's been a bad connection and I couldn't tell who it was.
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RE: difficult sitch with parents... - 5/21/2008 11:22:12 PM
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HisChild78
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so....
he and i talked and i have decided that we need to stop talking and hanging out. i cannot possibly allow God to move in my life and in this situation if i am dishonoring my parents. even this is going to be hard, i know that God has a plan in the end whether it be us together or not. his decision is to appologize to them face to face. that sounds good to me but yet again i am afraid my parents will assume that i told him to do it, etc.
the promise of Jeremiah 29:11 is what i cling to in all of this. i desire what Christ has for my life.
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RE: difficult sitch with parents... - 5/22/2008 10:57:13 AM
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agapetos
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I'm glad that you've sorted things out, though I know it can't be easy for you.
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Wisdom is not using them in fruit salads!
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RE: difficult sitch with parents... - 5/22/2008 11:43:55 PM
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HisChild78
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its really hard when i know my parents shouldn't be doing this, but i know this is all in his hands.
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RE: difficult sitch with parents... - 5/23/2008 10:38:19 AM
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agapetos
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From your first post
quote:
i realize that we needed to break up in december. college is a time where you are supposed to be making friends and having fun You knew that you had to break up. Your parents wanted you to stop being friends with this guy ~ and while it may not have been done in the best way, was done with your best interests at heart. It can be very difficult to remain friends with someone that we've dated. I suspect that your parents concern was that you would start your bf/gf relationship again.
_____________________________
Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not using them in fruit salads!
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RE: difficult sitch with parents... - 5/23/2008 12:52:05 PM
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preserved
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Your grades started slipping because of the relationship between you and your boyfriend...I am presuming that they are paying for your school...then they have the rights to do whatever is necessary to get you back to why you are attending college in the first place....especially since this is your first year!!
Since you've broken up..you grades picked back up...which indicates to your parents perhaps he was not a good influence for you>>So with that being said...the apology is probably their main concern at this point. Like one of the other poster indicated...he could send them a letter...However, I doubt the parent will honor the relationship because you allowed your grades to slip because of him>>
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RE: difficult sitch with parents... - 5/25/2008 4:01:40 AM
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HisChild78
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i just feel so paralyzed because i really feel like they should not be doing this to me...its like now that things have settled, i have improved academically etc my feelings still dont matter or ill be pulled out of school. my parents know i made a mistake and that i wont do it again...what bothers me is that three days ago he called and left a message so that he could possibly appologize to their face when they come up at the end of school...and they still havent called him back. i have talked to them since then and at first they accused me of telling him to appologize, then they got over it and never mentioned his phone call again.
is this fair?
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RE: difficult sitch with parents... - 5/25/2008 5:04:31 AM
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agapetos
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Yes, your parents know that you know you made a mistake ~ but perhaps you need to earn their trust again ~ by abiding by their wishes for some time and maintaining other friendships and your grades.
As for him apologising ~ did he really need to phone and leave a message asking if he could apologise in person? I've messed up before with people (who hasn't) and where possible I've apologised in person. I've never phoned anyone (nor has anyone ever phoned me) to ask my permission if I (or they) could apologise in person. Where possible, I've gone to people directly and apologised ~ even if some time has passed. If he really wants to apologise to them, he needs to go to them when they are down and simply apologise. Failing that, he needs to write to them.
The apology no longer concerns you. It never has really. It is between him and your parents. Keep out of it. I can't help but feel someone is playing you emotionally and making you take sides ~ and the side you're taking is this boys.
I'm not surprised your parents aren't ready to trust you again just yet. And while it sounds blunt, I am not sure if you're paralysed or just sulking because you can't get your own way in this situation.
Do think and pray about things. If your parents had stood back and allowed you to make the decision to separate from this guy, you say you would have. Would you have been able to maintain a 'friendship' relationship with him or would you have started to date him again or would the friendship have just disappeared?
_____________________________
Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not using them in fruit salads!
My blog
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RE: difficult sitch with parents... - 5/25/2008 8:05:26 AM
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buckifn
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Your parent's did not "do this to you". you chose things that caused this to happen to yourself. What your parent's are trying to do is teach you how to make better choices and accept responsibility.
You are only a freshman there will be lots of opportunities to date lots of guys...focus on your grades, your spiritual life, and maintain a good relationship with your parent's. God will bring the right guy into your life when you are both ready and it will be a relationship of peace not one that causes discord with your parent's.
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