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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 6/17/2008 7:37:53 PM
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benelchi
Posts: 2130
Joined: 9/14/2007
From: California
Status: online
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For balance I thought I would provide this one.
The Guys' Rules -
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down.
Finally, the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear 'the rules' from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered '1' ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of them makes you sad or angry, then we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle, besides we know you will bring it up again later.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight.
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can to give them a bigger laugh.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 6/17/2008 10:17:48 PM
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Tinkerbell_
Posts: 6130
Joined: 1/25/2008
From: NeverNeverLand
Status: offline
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Kids Are Quick
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 6/18/2008 8:35:33 AM
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Biblefreak
Posts: 676
Joined: 8/10/2006
From: the spirit of God
Status: offline
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A big hulking hooligan walks into a bar, slams his fist down, and yells "Give me a Budweiser, or...!"
Scared, the bartender serves the man his Budweiser. This happens everyday for a week straight, and the bartender turns into a nervous wreck. He asks his wife for advice, and she tells him he should stand up for himself. Easier said than done, he thinks, but he decides to try it. The next day, the hooligan returns.
"Give me a Budweiser, or...!"
"O-o-o-o-r-r-r... w-w-what?" stammers the bartender.
"A small Coke."
_____________________________
"I'm blessed, I must confess
My heart is pounding in my chest
Cause this love's the best
I'm just a love addict"
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 6/18/2008 8:38:55 AM
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Biblefreak
Posts: 676
Joined: 8/10/2006
From: the spirit of God
Status: offline
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On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?" To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"
_____________________________
"I'm blessed, I must confess
My heart is pounding in my chest
Cause this love's the best
I'm just a love addict"
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 6/18/2008 11:26:54 PM
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shemaromans
Posts: 3874
Joined: 3/30/2007
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Thank you all for posting the jokes. They're always fun to read. Please continue!!
_____________________________
"But as for me, it is good to be near God." Psalm 73:28
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 6/18/2008 11:28:08 PM
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shemaromans
Posts: 3874
Joined: 3/30/2007
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quote:
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
^^ That's the absolute truth! 
_____________________________
"But as for me, it is good to be near God." Psalm 73:28
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 6/19/2008 11:17:40 AM
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shemaromans
Posts: 3874
Joined: 3/30/2007
Status: offline
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Show me where Stalin’s buried, and I’ll show you a communist plot.
_____________________________
"But as for me, it is good to be near God." Psalm 73:28
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 6/19/2008 4:25:08 PM
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rcudawg
Posts: 318
Joined: 10/20/2005
From: Southeastern Nebraska.
Status: offline
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I have more of a funny story than a joke for all of you....
As I mentioned in another post, Sharon and I adopted another cat yesterday, Sheba. Well, I tell Sheba and Tiger to the vet today for their check-ups. At first, Tiger didn't want to come out of his carrier. Now, the old carrier that I have for Tiger was the kind that had to be put together with about a dozen screws. The new one has latches on it. So, with the vet-nurse's help, we undid the latches and pulled the top off of Tiger's carrier. His eyes became as big as saucers, as if saying: "Hey! You aren't supposed to be able to do that!"
My response: "Well, there's more than one way to skin a cat!"
RC
_____________________________
Everybody dies. Not everyone really lives. Braveheart
Yahoo 360
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 6/19/2008 4:48:51 PM
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kj88il
Posts: 1531
Joined: 3/3/2008
From: IL (NW Central)
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: rcudawg
I have more of a funny story than a joke for all of you....
As I mentioned in another post, Sharon and I adopted another cat yesterday, Sheba. Well, I tell Sheba and Tiger to the vet today for their check-ups. At first, Tiger didn't want to come out of his carrier. Now, the old carrier that I have for Tiger was the kind that had to be put together with about a dozen screws. The new one has latches on it. So, with the vet-nurse's help, we undid the latches and pulled the top off of Tiger's carrier. His eyes became as big as saucers, as if saying: "Hey! You aren't supposed to be able to do that!"
My response: "Well, there's more than one way to skin a cat!"
RC
oh......that's funny!!!!!! silly cat! 
_____________________________
Kimberly
Shifing Gears w/ Kimberly
Matt 11:29 "...for I am gentle & humble in heart, & you will find rest for your souls."
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 6/20/2008 6:49:56 AM
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.Pammy
Posts: 4051
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Mechanicsburg, PA, USA
Status: offline
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Dining out one evening, I noticed six teenagers boisterously celebrating some event at a nearby table. Toward their end of their meal, one of them got up and produced a camera.
"Hey, wait a minute," one of her companions said. "You have to be in the picture too."
When I approached and asked if I could help, the girl who owned the camera was delighted. I snapped a picture of the group and then, being unfamiliar with the camera, I asked her, "Do you want me to take another in case that one doesn't come out?"
"Oh, no, that's okay," she chirped innocently. "I always get double prints."
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Pam
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 6/20/2008 7:16:21 PM
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woodwind228
Posts: 461
Joined: 5/8/2008
From: Atlanta
Status: offline
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With God all things are possible*-Matthew 19:26
There once was a man who had nothing for his family to eat. He had an old rifle and three bullets. So, he decided that he would go out hunting
and kill some wild game for dinner.
As he went down the road, he saw a rabbit. He shot at the rabbit and missed it. The rabbit ran away.
Then he saw a squirrel and fired a shot at the squirrel but missed it. The squirrel disappeared into a hole in a cottonwood tree.
As he went further, he saw a large wild "Tom" turkey in the tree, but he had only one bullet remaining. A voice spoke to him and said, "Pray first, aim high, and stay focused. However, at the same time, he saw a deer which was a better kill. He brought the gun down and aimed at the deer.
But, then he saw a rattlesnake between his legs about to bite him, so he naturally brought the gun down further to shoot the rattlesnake.
Still, the voice said again to him, "I said, 'Pray, Aim high, and Stay focused."
So, the man decided to listen to God's voice. He prayed, then aimed the gun high up in the tree, and shot the wild turkey. The bullet bounced off the turkey and killed the deer. The handle fell off the gun, hit the snake in the head, and killed it. And, when the gun had gone off, it knocked him into
a pond. When he stood up to look around, he had fish in all his pockets, a dead deer, and a turkey for his family to eat.
The snake (Satan) was dead simply because the man listened to God.
Moral of the story:
Pray first before you do anything, aim and shoot high in your goals, and stay focused on God.
_____________________________
*~* Susan *~*
These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world. --John 16:33 KJV
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 6/23/2008 6:50:28 AM
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.Pammy
Posts: 4051
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Mechanicsburg, PA, USA
Status: offline
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My teenaged niece Elizabeth was nervous as she took the wheel for her first driving lesson. As she was pulling out of the parking lot, the instructor said, "Turn left here, and don't forget to let the people behind you know what you're doing."
Elizabeth turned to the students sitting in the back seat and announced, "I'm going left."
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Pam
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 6/23/2008 12:00:29 PM
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RosieCotton
Posts: 1048
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: The East and West Coast!
Status: offline
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What do lazy dogs chase??
Parked cars!
ok......i got that off of a vets sign! lol
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How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and strong. Because someday in life you will have been all of these.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 6/23/2008 10:09:47 PM
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John_O
Posts: 7087
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
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So, I was talking to this little girl Catherine, the daughter of some friends, and she said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there with us - and I asked Catherine - "If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?"
Catherine replied - "I would give houses to all the homeless people."
"Wow - what a worthy goal you have there, Catherine." I told her, "You don't have to wait until you're President to do that, you can come over to my house and clean up all the dog poop in my back yard and I will pay you $5 dollars. Then we can go over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $5 dollars to use for a new house."
Catherine (who was about 4) thought that over for a second, while her mom looked at me seething, and Catherine replied, "why doesn't the homeless guy come over and clean up the dog poop and you can just pay him the $5 dollars?"
And I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party".
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Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 6/23/2008 11:42:00 PM
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MyCatSmokey2006
Posts: 2728
Status: offline
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Purina Diet
When someone asks you a dumb question, wouldn't you like to respond like this?...
Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Althena the wonder dog at Walmart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired, with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, but that I was starting the Purina diet again.
Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time. I'd lost 50 lbs. before I awakened in the intensive care ward with tubes coming out of various areas of my body and IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to smell an Irish Settler's rear end and a car hit us both.  
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!
Walmart won't let me shop there anymore. 
_____________________________
Melissa
Vote John McCain For President!
<----Smokey, the Jungle Cat!
Who Am I?
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 6/24/2008 10:19:50 AM
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.Pammy
Posts: 4051
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Mechanicsburg, PA, USA
Status: offline
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Great illustration, John!
Loved it, MCS!
My first grade daughter and her friend both needed new boots as winter approached. The friend got in the car one morning and finally had gotten her boots. "Beth," I commented, "I see you got new boots. Where did you get them?"
"At the store," she answered.
"Which one?" I asked.
She began looking at her new boots and after a pause said, "Both of them."
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Pam
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 6/25/2008 9:10:04 AM
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JustJeannie
Posts: 2656
Joined: 6/14/2007
From: the state of confusion
Status: offline
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Two little old ladies were attending a rather LONG church service. One leaned over to the other and said, "My butt is going to sleep." "I know," replied her companion. "I heard it snore 3 times!"
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Jeannie
Waves at Panama City Beach in July...
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