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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 6/26/2008 4:05:15 PM
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John_O
Posts: 7685
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink, as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," I sighed. "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My goodness"' says my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
There really are two ways to look at everything.
_____________________________
Resistance is futile (if less than .25 ohms)
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 6/26/2008 4:18:56 PM
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WalkingwithHim2
Posts: 2436
Joined: 12/13/2007
Status: offline
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These are awesome....keep 'em coming!
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Jesus saves the soul not necessarily the brain
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 6/26/2008 11:55:50 PM
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MyCatSmokey2006
Posts: 2809
Status: offline
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Be Careful Out There:
IDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not. Four is larger than two."
We haven't used Sears repair since.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
My daughter and I went through the McDonalds take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I handed her a quarter. She said, "You gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to epeat my request. I did so and he handed me back the quarter, and said, "We're sorry, but we cannot do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1.75.
Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place to be crossing anymore."
IDIOT SIGHTING:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and order a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.
Continued in my next post as soon as I finish eating my yogurt. 
_____________________________
Melissa
VOTE MCCAIN ON NOVEMBER 4TH!
Who Am I?
Visit my Cat Post! 
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 6/27/2008 12:10:13 AM
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MyCatSmokey2006
Posts: 2809
Status: offline
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IDIOT SIGHTINGS CONTINUED:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew waht the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"
IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to "downsizing". Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I worked with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's Office, no less.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey", I announced to the technician, "it's open!" His reply, "I know, I already got that side."
_____________________________
Melissa
VOTE MCCAIN ON NOVEMBER 4TH!
Who Am I?
Visit my Cat Post!
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 6/28/2008 8:39:19 AM
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Tinkerbell_
Posts: 6764
Joined: 1/25/2008
From: NeverNeverLand
Status: offline
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THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY
Law of Mechanical Repair
~After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
Law of Gravity
~Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability
~The probability of being seen is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of Random Numbers
~If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
Law of the Alibi
~If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law
~If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
Law of the Bath
~When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters
~The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result
~When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics
~The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theater
~At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
The Starbucks Law
~As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers
~If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Logical Argument
~Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
White's Law of Physical Appearance
~If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law of Public Speaking
~A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
~As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Doctors' Law
~If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 6/30/2008 2:12:10 PM
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mutinywxgirl
Posts: 13149
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: west coast of FL
Status: offline
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RAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LOLOLOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
_____________________________
When blood and water hit the ground.
Walls we couldn't move came crashing down.
We were free and made alive.
The day true love died. The day true love died.
Lisa is happy THE ROWDIES ARE BACK!
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 6/30/2008 9:14:31 PM
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kj88il
Posts: 1742
Joined: 3/3/2008
From: IL (NW Central)
Status: offline
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considering my OWN genius expressed in the kitchen tonight...i give you...........
The Blonde's Cookbook
Dear Diary.....It's fun to cook for Tom!
Monday: Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
Tuesday: Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper!
Wednesday: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly, but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.
Thursday: Today Tom asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.
Friday: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
Saturday: Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. Oh boy.....for some reason, Tom keeps counting to ten.
Sunday: Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast, but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius! I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. But it still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT, DIARY. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk him into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with chocolate moose!!
_____________________________
Kimberly
Shifing Gears w/ Kimberly
Matt 11:29 "...for I am gentle & humble in heart, & you will find rest for your souls."
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 6/30/2008 9:18:02 PM
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kj88il
Posts: 1742
Joined: 3/3/2008
From: IL (NW Central)
Status: offline
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Scientist vs. God
God is sitting in Heaven, when a scientist says to Him, "Lord, we don't need You anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing. In other words, we can now do what You did in the 'beginning'."
"Oh, is that so? Tell Me..." replies God.
"Well, " says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of You, and breathe life into it, thus creating man."
"Well, that's interesting. Show Me...."
So the scientist bent down to the earth and started to mold the soil.
"Oh no, no, no..." interrupts God......................
"Get your own dirt."
_____________________________
Kimberly
Shifing Gears w/ Kimberly
Matt 11:29 "...for I am gentle & humble in heart, & you will find rest for your souls."
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 6/30/2008 9:29:46 PM
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kj88il
Posts: 1742
Joined: 3/3/2008
From: IL (NW Central)
Status: offline
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Why English Teachers Die Young
Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual similes and metaphors found in high school essays. Here are last year's (2005?) top 25 winners.
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances, like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E.Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m., instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain, like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long-separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m., traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m., at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with icket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up .
_____________________________
Kimberly
Shifing Gears w/ Kimberly
Matt 11:29 "...for I am gentle & humble in heart, & you will find rest for your souls."
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 7/1/2008 6:50:15 AM
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mutinywxgirl
Posts: 13149
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: west coast of FL
Status: offline
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Awwwww.....that's so cool!!!!!!!
_____________________________
When blood and water hit the ground.
Walls we couldn't move came crashing down.
We were free and made alive.
The day true love died. The day true love died.
Lisa is happy THE ROWDIES ARE BACK!
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 7/1/2008 12:55:01 PM
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.Pammy
Posts: 4108
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Mechanicsburg, PA, USA
Status: offline
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My first stop on my vacation was my sister's house in Montana. She's extremely organized. Before she leaves on a trip, she always types up address labels for her postcards.
This time, I figured I'd done her one better. I boasted, "You'll be impressed. I've already written thank-you notes to everyone with whom I'll be staying. They're all stamped and ready to go."
My sister was silent for a moment, and then she said, "You mean those little envelopes I saw in your room and mailed this morning?"
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Pam
<< The Wedding Arch at The Hemingway Home in Key West
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