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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 7/12/2008 1:55:54 AM
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John_O
Posts: 7087
Joined: 9/5/2006
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quote:
ORIGINAL: betterisoneday
If this one's been up before I apologize, didn't see it.
NEW YORK -- A public school teacher was
arrested today at John F.
Kennedy International Airport as he
attempted to board a flight while in
possession of a ruler, a protractor, a
set square, a slide rule and a calculator..
At a morning press conference, the
Attorney General said he believes the
man is a member of the notorious
Al-gebra movement.
He did not identify the man, who has
been charged by the FBI with
carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a problem for us," the AG
said. "They desire solutions by
means and extremes, and sometimes go off
on tangents in search of absolute values."
"They use secret code names like 'X' and
'Y', and refer to themselves as
'unknowns', but we have determined that
they belong to a common
denominator, the axis of medieval with
coordinates in every country."
As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used
to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."
When asked to comment on the arrest,
President Bush said, "If God had
wanted us to have better weapons of math
instruction, he would have
given us more fingers and toes."
White House aides told reporters they
could not recall a more
intelligent or profound statement by the
President.
I love it!! puts me in the mood to do some geometry proofs!!
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 7/12/2008 7:03:25 AM
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mutinywxgirl
Posts: 12808
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: west coast of FL
Status: offline
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I've already sent it to my two calculus teachers, and to a few other math instructors I know. Everyone who sees it just howls. That is truly one of the funniest things I've seen in years!!!!!
_____________________________
When blood and water hit the ground.
Walls we couldn't move came crashing down.
We were free and made alive.
The day true love died. The day true love died.
Lisa is happy THE ROWDIES ARE BACK!
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 7/13/2008 12:41:08 PM
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kj88il
Posts: 1531
Joined: 3/3/2008
From: IL (NW Central)
Status: offline
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Couples Counseling
A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down, as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'
The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays...but on Fridays, I fish."
_____________________________
Kimberly
Shifing Gears w/ Kimberly
Matt 11:29 "...for I am gentle & humble in heart, & you will find rest for your souls."
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 7/13/2008 12:45:19 PM
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kj88il
Posts: 1531
Joined: 3/3/2008
From: IL (NW Central)
Status: offline
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Praise the Lord!
There was a little old lady, who every morning, stepped onto her front porch, raised her arms to the sky, and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD!"
One day an atheist moved into the house next door. He became irritated at the little old lady. Every morning he'd step onto his front porch after her and yell, "THERE IS NO LORD!"
Time passed, with the two of them carrying-on this way every day. One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD! Please Lord, I have no food and I am starving. Provide for me, oh Lord!"
The next morning she stepped out onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there. "PRAISE THE LORD!" she cried out. "HE HAS PROVIDED GROCERIES FOR ME!"
The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges and shouted, "THERE IS NO LORD. I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!!"
The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD! HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GROCERIES...AND MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!"
_____________________________
Kimberly
Shifing Gears w/ Kimberly
Matt 11:29 "...for I am gentle & humble in heart, & you will find rest for your souls."
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 7/13/2008 1:20:47 PM
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kj88il
Posts: 1531
Joined: 3/3/2008
From: IL (NW Central)
Status: offline
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If you need a good laugh, read through these children's science exam answers:
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to
drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends
to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature
hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and
the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains
the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E,
I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome
Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
_____________________________
Kimberly
Shifing Gears w/ Kimberly
Matt 11:29 "...for I am gentle & humble in heart, & you will find rest for your souls."
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 7/13/2008 3:13:24 PM
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kj88il
Posts: 1531
Joined: 3/3/2008
From: IL (NW Central)
Status: offline
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Proof that men do remember!
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?'
'I remember that, too' she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said,
'I would have gotten out today.'
_____________________________
Kimberly
Shifing Gears w/ Kimberly
Matt 11:29 "...for I am gentle & humble in heart, & you will find rest for your souls."
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 7/14/2008 8:35:31 AM
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John_O
Posts: 7087
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
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A motorist was driving in the country when he came upon a priest and a rabbi standing on the shoulder of the road, fishing. Next to them was a sign that read “Turn Around. The End Is Near.”
The motorist didn’t like to be preached to, so he rolled down the window and yelled, “Mind your own business, you religious nuts!”
A few seconds later the two fishermen heard tires screech, then a splash.
The rabbi turned to the priest and said, “I told you we should’ve just written, ‘Bridge Out.’ “
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 7/14/2008 8:39:01 AM
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John_O
Posts: 7087
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
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The progress of public schools.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 7/14/2008 9:03:02 AM
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.Pammy
Posts: 4050
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Mechanicsburg, PA, USA
Status: offline
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The small girl had recently received a new watch and some perfume, which she was very excited about. Their family asked the pastor over for dinner. The girl wanted so badly to tell the pastor about her new gifts, but her mother insisted she wait until after dinner and not interrupt at meal time.
Not able to contain her excitement, and not wanting to disobey, the little girl leaned over to the pastor during dinner and whispered, "If you hear a little noise and smell something, it's me!"
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Pam
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 7/15/2008 7:09:22 AM
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.Pammy
Posts: 4050
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Mechanicsburg, PA, USA
Status: offline
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While driving through Buffalo after a heavy snow storm, a motorist noted a cop, apparently waist deep in snow, directing traffic. Feeling sorry for him, the motorist called out "I'm sorry you have to work half buried in the snow."
The cop called back "Don't feel sorry for me, feel sorry for my horse!"
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Pam
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 7/15/2008 11:45:45 AM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 1063
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline
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This isn't really a joke. This is just one of the hundreds of times that my now 11 year old daughter made me laugh without trying. She's adorable that way.
Yesterday, as I was walking her to the day care, she tried to give me a compliment. She said that I really looked good, and she liked what I was wearing and she thinks I can make the simplest thing look good. Of course, I thanked her playfully. THen she said, "mom, you know you really could pass for a hobbit!". Really, she meant it as a compliment. We walked in the day care laughing our heads off. I mean, that's not the look I was trying to go for, but if she thinks hobbits are cool, then, hey, I'm glad I look good enough to pass for one of them, lol.
Isn't she just priceless!
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 7/15/2008 5:21:20 PM
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.Pammy
Posts: 4050
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Mechanicsburg, PA, USA
Status: offline
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Most assuredly!
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Pam
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 7/16/2008 7:36:55 AM
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.Pammy
Posts: 4050
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Mechanicsburg, PA, USA
Status: offline
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A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse yells, "BARK!" and the cat runs away.
"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"
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Pam
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 7/17/2008 6:42:11 AM
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.Pammy
Posts: 4050
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Mechanicsburg, PA, USA
Status: offline
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A pastor was leaving his area and was saying farewell to his congregation at the Church doors for the last time. He shook the hand of an elderly lady as she walked out. She said "Your successor won't be as good as you."
"Nonsense", said the pastor, in a flattered tone.
"No, really", said the old lady, "I've been here under five different ministers and each new one has been worse than the last."
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Pam
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 7/17/2008 10:57:59 AM
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John_O
Posts: 7087
Joined: 9/5/2006
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There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.
The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"
Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"
Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 7/17/2008 11:07:35 AM
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benelchi
Posts: 2130
Joined: 9/14/2007
From: California
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: John_O
There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.
The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"
Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"
Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
He should have know that she dyed her hair!
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 7/17/2008 11:07:46 AM
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John_O
Posts: 7087
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
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AND THEN THE FIGHT STARTED
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station...
And then the fight started....
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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
*************************************************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
***********************************************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started...
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 7/17/2008 7:44:51 PM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 1063
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline
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Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives.
After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.
The following week they met up again to compare notes. Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, 'Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!'
The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that he wants to move up our wedding date!
The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?''
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 7/17/2008 10:41:03 PM
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Tinkerbell_
Posts: 6129
Joined: 1/25/2008
From: NeverNeverLand
Status: offline
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Girlie Wisdom!
Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.
A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills... she has 14 kids but doesn't really care.
One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.
My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.
I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knicker's.
Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!
Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like...'You know sometimes I forget to eat!' ......Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 7/17/2008 10:47:54 PM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 1063
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: teaspoon61
quote:
ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker
. . . . . . When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?''
And then the fight started! . . . .
you know, he could have been a little more creative and said "cat woman" and the fight could have been avoided, lol.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 7/21/2008 6:45:44 AM
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.Pammy
Posts: 4050
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Mechanicsburg, PA, USA
Status: offline
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A man entered a stationery store and asked the clerk for a 'birthday/anniversary card.' The clerk replied, 'We have birthday cards and we have anniversary cards. Why not take one of each?'
The man said, 'You don't understand. I need a card that covers both events. You see, we're celebrating the fifth anniversary of my wife's thirty-fourth birthday.'
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Pam
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 7/21/2008 9:14:31 AM
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Tinkerbell_
Posts: 6129
Joined: 1/25/2008
From: NeverNeverLand
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: .Pammy
A man entered a stationery store and asked the clerk for a 'birthday/anniversary card.' The clerk replied, 'We have birthday cards and we have anniversary cards. Why not take one of each?'
The man said, 'You don't understand. I need a card that covers both events. You see, we're celebrating the fifth anniversary of my wife's thirty-fourth birthday.'
Hahaha! I love it!!!
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 7/21/2008 9:35:33 AM
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.Pammy
Posts: 4050
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Mechanicsburg, PA, USA
Status: offline
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And I love your new avatar, Tink!
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Pam
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