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RE: I'm worried I might leave Husband someday - 10/23/2007 5:35:39 PM
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michiganav8tor
Posts: 18
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: tfkeel
quote:
I'm sure if he is the man you say he is, then he would understand what you need during this trial; and would try to do anything possible to fix this.
WOW. Boy, I can just hear it now.....
"....honey.... you are a great man of God.... but you repulse me physically.... can you please change yourself so that you are like my former boyfriend who turned me on so much more than you do? I knew you would understand the trial that I'm facing because you are not as handsome and good looking as he was, and I am afraid I might leave you someday because I NEED a man who I am attracted to....."....
Oh NO! How bad it is to tell your partner what's in your heart.... Common people! Why are you all trying to get this woman to lie to herself and her husband. True, it may be a blow to the heart; but this is a great man worthy of an honest wife... Again, I believe he will take the comment gracefully through the Spirit and not through the flesh.
(for those of you assuming that I may think this man has a teflon heart; it's not so... I believe this is a spiritual man of action who is devoted to the Word; and will not take to the fleshy heart the request of his wife... Its his duty to be a man of God, and thus; I believe he will conform to satisfy his wifes weakeness during this time.)
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RE: I'm worried I might leave Husband someday - 10/23/2007 7:11:15 PM
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cynthia
Posts: 7912
Joined: 3/31/2005
From: Beautiful Puget Sound Region
Status: online
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We are to speak the truth in love. Not telling a person something mean isn't being dishonest, it appropriate. There is a time to speak and a time to remain silent. She has a problem in that she married a man that she found repulsive. She hasn't come back to explain what she finds repulsive, so we have no idea if it is something that he should address, like not showering or something.
_____________________________
When you stand up for what’s right, don’t expect the one in the wrong to be happy about. He may get very angry. That doesn’t mean you should back down and give in. It means you need to stand firm and diligently pray for him and for yourself.
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RE: I'm worried I might leave Husband someday - 10/23/2007 7:15:49 PM
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Zhi
Posts: 1328
Joined: 7/31/2007
Status: offline
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Hmm. Being tactful does not mean you're lying.
Sometimes my husband eats something smelly and then comes to bed without brushing his teeth.
I can say one of the following:
"Ewww. What crawled into your mouth and died? Your breath could kill a herd of elephants. Would it kill you to brush your teeth once in awhile?"
Or:
"Honey, could you brush your teeth before we snuggle? *eyelash bat*"
Which one would you rather hear? They're both truthful, but one is an attempt to evoke a violation of the not letting the sun go down on your anger thing.
Walking up to him and saying "I find you revolting" is not going to fix anything, ever. It's just going to be hurtful.
So, take it logically.
1. Identify a cause of the problem.
2. Identify a solution to that cause.
The problem is that you find him unattractive. Why?
1. Fat?
2. Start cooking healthier meals and encouraging him to exercise with you.
1. Bad haircut?
2. Surprise him with a coupon for a cut at a nice salon.
1. Smelly and sweaty?
2. Invite him to take a shower with you, wink wink, nudge nudge.
1. Don't like the beard/moustache/whatever?
2. Tell him that you think he would look sexy clean-shaven.
The Bible doesn't just say to tell the truth, it says to tell the truth IN LOVE. Sometimes we forget that last part, but it's perhaps the most important when we're telling a spouse something. It is almost always possible to say things in a way that won't hurt their feelings.
_____________________________
The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half empty. The engineer says the glass is twice as large as it needs to be.
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RE: I'm worried I might leave Husband someday - 10/23/2007 7:52:45 PM
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tfkeel
Posts: 70
Joined: 4/19/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
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quote:
Common people! Why are you all trying to get this woman to lie to herself and her husband.
I am not asking her to lie in the slightest. In fact, SHE HAS ALREADY LIED TO HIM
when she married this poor guy under FALSE PRETENSES from the beginning...... Let me see...
"....honey, I love you and think you are a great man of God. But I am not attracted to you physically, in fact, I am repulsed by you. But I like your qualities and I believe God will change my opinion of you as time goes on...."
Somehow, I fail to believe that was the premise under which the man watched her walk down the aisle.....
quote:
She hasn't come back to explain what she finds repulsive
She was quite clear in the original post, though. The following is from the original post:
quote:
it still feels empty compared to other guys I've dated. I've experienced deep and intense attraction to a man before--
She goes on to point out that this "attraction" which she desires CANNOT BE RUINED by anything the man does, says, having a bad hair day, etc....
quote:
Its his duty to be a man of God, and thus; I believe he will conform to satisfy his wifes weakeness during this time
By doing what?
Oh, sorry, I get it.......All he has to do is make himself into someone else, and everything will be fine....
quote:
It is almost always possible to say things in a way that won't hurt their feelings.
Let's see, now....
".... honey, I really like how ______ looked..... remember him? Maybe you could look like him for me?...."
< Message edited by tfkeel -- 10/23/2007 8:06:52 PM >
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RE: I'm worried I might leave Husband someday - 10/23/2007 8:52:47 PM
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manda59
Posts: 5756
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
Status: offline
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Maybe some of you missed the OP's Update?
quote:
ORIGINAL:FlowersinJune
Thank you to everyone who posted encouragement for me. God is doing a work in my heart about understanding that my fears have nothing to do with my husband, but rather my identity. I am trying to walk daily in the truth that Jesus is re-defining my identity from what it was in the world, and He is molding me to be more like HIM, and to see with HIS eyes.
It can still be a struggle to let go of my emotions and believe truth, so please keep me in your prayers.
Bless you all
_____________________________
"I love Manda's suggestion to just laugh most of it off.."
Tinkerbell, September 2008
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RE: I'm worried I might leave Husband someday - 10/24/2007 12:02:16 AM
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cynthia
Posts: 7912
Joined: 3/31/2005
From: Beautiful Puget Sound Region
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: manda59
Maybe some of you missed the OP's Update?
quote:
ORIGINAL:FlowersinJune
Thank you to everyone who posted encouragement for me. God is doing a work in my heart about understanding that my fears have nothing to do with my husband, but rather my identity. I am trying to walk daily in the truth that Jesus is re-defining my identity from what it was in the world, and He is molding me to be more like HIM, and to see with HIS eyes.
It can still be a struggle to let go of my emotions and believe truth, so please keep me in your prayers.
Bless you all
Uh, yes. I missed it entirely. She must have started a new thread.
_____________________________
When you stand up for what’s right, don’t expect the one in the wrong to be happy about. He may get very angry. That doesn’t mean you should back down and give in. It means you need to stand firm and diligently pray for him and for yourself.
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RE: I'm worried I might leave Husband someday - 11/15/2007 5:18:15 PM
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charles101
Posts: 3
Joined: 11/9/2007
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: FlowersInJune
My husband and I have been married two years, both of us were virgins when we married.
If you would like mans answers you can find that all day, if you would like Gods answers read the scriptures
You have something most people dont have, a right marrage being both Virgins, you need to be content and satified
Matthew 19:4 And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female, 5 And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? 6 Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.
You see the thing most people does not understand, Man does not marrie you, God does as what Jesus states in Matthew 19:6Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.
If you Divorce your Husband and marry another you do commit adultery
(Jesus said) Mark 10:11And he saith unto them, Whosoever shall put away his wife, and marry another, committeth adultery against her.
Mark 10:12 And if a woman shall put away her husband, and be married to another, she committeth adultery.
Romans 7:2 For the woman which hath an husband is bound by the law to her husband so long as he liveth; but if the husband be dead, she is loosed from the law of her husband.3 So then if, while her husband liveth, she be married to another man, she shall be called an adulteress: but if her husband be dead, she is free from that law; so that she is no adulteress, though she be married to another man.
1 Corinthians 7:39 The wife is bound by the law as long as her husband liveth; but if her husband be dead, she is at liberty to be married to whom she will; only in the Lord.
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RE: I'm worried I might leave Husband someday - 6/5/2008 8:26:36 PM
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MarchButterfly
Posts: 4
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline
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Let the words of Jesus be our guide: “Let he who has not sinned cast the first stone.” Instead of condemning her, we should praise her for having the guts to bare her soul! She is a woman of courage.
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RE: I'm worried I might leave Husband someday - 6/17/2008 12:16:40 PM
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spoady_yodi
Posts: 5
Joined: 6/17/2008
Status: offline
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Flowers - get the book Power of a praying wife by stormie omartian. also get the study guide - begin reading and doing the prayers DAILY.
As some of the other posters have mentioned love is a decision.
the more your heart seeks and prays for him purposefully the more love you will feel for him - God bless.
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RE: I'm worried I might leave Husband someday - 6/18/2008 8:59:16 PM
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p.progress
Posts: 152
Joined: 12/23/2006
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: laura...
I'm convinced that physical attraction is mostly hormonal. It's design and purpose is to help bond a man and woman together. That strong attraction produces a desire to be with each other all the time. When I was dating my husband and for the first year of our marriage I didn't want to be away from him at all. I would miss him intensely when I was at work. It's toned down some now.
That bonding strengthens the marriage for tougher times.
When circumstances make my husband not look quite so attractive (when he's covered in grease and smelly from work) I remind myself how attractive he was in the beginning and then I can kiss him through the dirt. LOL!!
When I'm not feeling particularly affectionate, I remind myself how much we craved each other as newlyweds and suddenly I'm feeling a lot more affectionate.
In the beginning the hormones helped produce the bond, now the bond helps produce the hormones.
Now, how does this apply to your situation? Based on your statement in this thread's op that you weren't very attracted to him when you were married and your other thread stating that your career takes you out of town for days in a row, I'm pretty sure that you did not experience that "I need and want to be with you all the time" bonding process that happens at the beginning of marriage.
I suggest you try replicating it. Spend as much time as possible alone with your husband.
You may not have had the hormonal catalyst for bonding but you can still bond by choice.
The more you choose to love your husband the more you will feel love for your husband. The more you choose to be close to him the closer you will become. The closer you get and the more you love the more attractive he will become.
How can you know this will work? Because you can choose to make it work and God will help you be successful.
You make some good points here. In particular the "In the beginning the hormones helped produce the bond, now the bond helps produce the hormones." comment; and the last one: "How can you know this will work? Because you can choose to make it work and God will help you be successful."
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RE: I'm worried I might leave Husband someday - 6/19/2008 2:44:31 PM
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Stronger2day
Posts: 106
Joined: 5/26/2008
Status: offline
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Flowersinjune, I know my situation is different, but there are some similarities and I wanted to share. When my husband betrayed me early in our marriage, I couldn't look at him, I felt repulsed, didn't want him near me and thought I could never be attracted to him again. I struggled for a couple years and actually started trying to rationalize the D word in my head. Then I got ‘right’ with the Lord and upon lots and lots of prayer, reading (Bible/Christian books), counseling, and evaluating my own weaknesses, the intimacy was slowly restored. When positive ‘events’ would happen I thanked God over and over again and through spending more time together, I once again felt romantic towards my husband. I guess my point is that it wasn't until I completely abandoned the concept of the D word and had faith that our Father would change my heart that things began to change.
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