RE: Elderly Parent Dilemma (Full Version)

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zondie -> RE: Elderly Parent Dilemma (1/10/2008 10:57:46 PM)

hotsaucygma wrote:
quote:

(it is a national number like 411 or 911 that goes directly to a Information and Referral if your state has decided to participate in the "211" system).


Thank you for this info and the advice you've given hotsaucygma. I'm sharing it with my sister. I've never heard of the "211" system before now!

HisCovenant wrote:
quote:

Unfortunately, many of those who serve in our medical fields (be it Drs or RNs) don't have the compassion, knowledge, or correct morale to serve well in their chosen field.


How so very right you are! We've encountered this type of treatment before and have had similar results as you have! (How sad[&o]), to think that you're somewhere, where you will receive some help, only to be treated as though you're someone else's' burden! My brother is a paramedic and he too has realized that to 'some' it's "just a job". To some they're really in the field because they care about people and their well-being. I've always loved doing for children and elderly people. I think the elderly are much like small children after they've become dependent on others for their care. They need and deserve better treatment!

I'm so very thankful to God that all of you are helping us with this matter!



hotsaucygma -> RE: Elderly Parent Dilemma (1/11/2008 9:39:21 AM)

You are welcome Zondie, I took a quick look on the net and it does look like Tennessee is hooked up to 2-1-1, so she should be able to access it. If not, try calling the local United Way, they are often the sponsor's of Information and Referral services, or try putting "first call for help ______(your state name)" into a search engine and it should pull up a website for them.



zondie -> RE: Elderly Parent Dilemma (1/11/2008 4:04:34 PM)

OH NO!
Now we're finding out that because mom abused a suicidal hotline and has been labeled high risk for suicide attempts, that no nursing homes in our area will accept her! She says she only did it for the attention she would get from a stay in the hospital! She says she NEVER intended on killing herself, but that that was the only way to get the medical attention she felt she needed at the time. (3 different incidences.) One doctor has told my sister that; if she was willing to sign a wave of responsibility of the nursing home (just in case mom tried an attempt again) that they'd probably be able to get her in.

WHAT ARE WE GOING TO HAVE TO FACE NEXT!!!?????



hotsaucygma -> RE: Elderly Parent Dilemma (1/11/2008 5:21:17 PM)

(((Zondie)))

I'm so sorry you are going through this! It's hard enough to place a loved one in a Nursing Home or other type of care let alone to have these issues too! It does indicate to me though, that you are right in what you are doing, she very likely needs more help than family members are able to do.



zondie -> RE: Elderly Parent Dilemma (1/11/2008 6:42:43 PM)

Thank you hotsaucygma.
My sister and I are worried now that if mom pulls another one of her stunts, that the state will take custody of her! If that should happen, before we can get her placed in a respectable facility; there'll be nothing any of us can do! She knows that she could be placed in a mental institution if the state takes over. So for now, she's been acting better. (She bathed herself after my sister helped her into the tub. And she even dusted some tables in the living room for my sister.) Is she playing games with us, is it the meds., is it truly dementia or early signs of Alzheimer's or what? We're all so torn and confused at this point!!!

My sister said that she's gonna continue to check in on getting her placed somewhere. But that if mom continues to keep working with herself to improve, that she'll be keeping her with her. But knowing how this phase can change in a moments notice, keeps us cautious as of what to expect next from mom! It's a roller-coaster ride from one day to the next and I'm ready to get off!!!



peace77 -> RE: Elderly Parent Dilemma (1/11/2008 9:49:42 PM)

You might want to discuss your family's situation with an attorney.

It is possible to have her declared incompetent by a judge and a family member appointed as guardian.
She may not like this but it would likely be better than having the state manage her affairs.


Peace,
Anne



zondie -> RE: Elderly Parent Dilemma (1/12/2008 5:38:07 PM)

peace77 wrote:
quote:

It is possible to have her declared incompetent by a judge and a family member appointed as guardian.
She may not like this but it would likely be better than having the state manage her affairs.


Honey, we've done that months ago! First she was my brothers responsibility,(he was appointed guardian, until he had a heart-attack). Then, she wanted my sister to take over guardianship (claiming that she was being neglected by my brother and his family). She's never asked me...yet. (She knows I have a full schedule, with taking care of my 31 year old quadriplegic son; at home.)

That's why we're wondering if the State may try to take over her guardianship. If she should try to pull another stunt of some sort; just to get medical attention she desires; she may accuse my sister of neglect or abuse or 'who knows'? She has learned that when things aren't going her way, that she can get attention through a "mock" suicide attempt! Why? I wish I knew!!!



peace77 -> RE: Elderly Parent Dilemma (1/13/2008 10:23:16 PM)

Zondie,


I'm sorry to hear that your family really does have its hands full.
There are some nursing homes that provide respite care. That is, your mom could stay for a few days and give your sister a break from the chaos.

Will keep you in our prayers.


Peace,
Anne



zondie -> RE: Elderly Parent Dilemma (1/14/2008 4:04:26 PM)

Thanks for the prayers Anne!

Actually, I've mentioned to my sister about respite care in this area. I've found some info. on it and e-mailed her about how to apply. I don't know how many hours she may qualify for, but it's worth looking into. She may can get enough hours to at least get to go to church and get her grocery shopping done. She's wondering on how trustworthy they are, so I told her to sit and talk to the person that would be assigned to mom, and ask her own questions. If I were a respite worker, I wouldn't think odd of a person wanting to interview me. They know that you're relying on them to take the best care of your lovedone. And they're usually already familiar with the illnesses of the elderly.



Kat_D -> RE: Elderly Parent Dilemma (1/14/2008 9:51:56 PM)

When I was caring for my Mom and she got really bad and difficult for me to care for, one of my siblings would take her to their home for a week every 3 months so I could have a break. This helped so much. You said there were five of you...can't something like that be arranged? If your sister doesn't get some time off, you may end up with two patients on your hands.[:o]



zondie -> RE: Elderly Parent Dilemma (1/15/2008 12:34:18 AM)

quote:

Kat_D
If your sister doesn't get some time off, you may end up with two patients on your hands.


You're so right, Kat! She's (sister) already been in the hospital once, since she's taken guardianship over mom! But as I've said before, I already take care of my 31 yo. quadriplegic son at home. I wouldn't be able to give both of them the care they need, by myself. And I wouldn't want either one of them to be neglected.

The other 3 siblings are brothers. While only one, is still able to work, all their wives do. And since the wives have jobs, the guys say that they can't take care of their mother because she's female. They say if it had of been dad (before he died) then they'd be more than willing.

I do however, 'babysit' mom on occasion. I give my sister a place where she can leave mom while she shops, visits or keep her appointments. I'm limited on how much time or on what days though.[&o]



zondie -> RE: Elderly Parent Dilemma (1/23/2008 11:49:28 PM)

I'm so distressed tonight![sm=icon_smile_cry.gif]
My sister is calling social services tomorrow. She said she just can't do it any longer! My heart is breaking for my mother! She don't want to go to a home, yet she says she don't want to stay where she is either. (She knows my sister is unable to take care of her any longer.) I'm leery, that the State will take over her care, once they learn that sis isn't able to care for mom any longer. For those of you who've gone through this before...PLEASE pray for us!



Kat_D -> RE: Elderly Parent Dilemma (1/24/2008 9:06:26 AM)

I am just wondering why you continue to think the state will come in and take over. As long as your Mom has living children willing to oversee her care, even if that care happens in a facility, there is no reason for her to become a ward of the state. Actually, I believe you/your siblings would have to petition the court to cause that to happen.

I know you are sad about what is happening, but it may be the best thing for your Mom. My heart goes out to your sister. This has obviously taken a toll on her. You and your siblings need to support her now as never before. She will likely be experiencing a great deal of guilt and anguish over admitting she can no longer care for your Mom and having to place her in a facility. You all owe her a a big debt of thanks for all that she has done.



HisCovenant -> RE: Elderly Parent Dilemma (1/24/2008 11:33:01 AM)

((((((((Zondie)))))))))

Heavenly Father, comfort Zondie and direct her family to run to You, our Strong Tower. Give them discernment to make wise decisions and to know how to love each other through this time. Move Your Spirit so they can be one in You and show Your glory to all who see their actions. Move in the heart of Zondie's mother so she is able to transition easily and be a comfort to her children. It's Your will that these three Christian women are strong, mature, and united. May Your will be done, both in what you have already revealed in Your Word and in what you plan to accomplish that has not been revealed. All Glory and Praise to You. Amen.



zondie -> RE: Elderly Parent Dilemma (1/24/2008 5:10:10 PM)

GLORY TO GOD!

Everything has worked out wonderfully! (Thanks for the prayers!) My sister called me at noon and said that mom has been accepted in one of the finest Nursing facilities in this area! God opened a door that we thought was permanently barricaded! {He can do that! He's so AWESOME!} This same facility had turned us away, about 3 weeks ago.



quote:

Kat:
I am just wondering why you continue to think the state will come in and take over. As long as your Mom has living children willing to oversee her care



There is no other children that can take her in.[&o] And mom had abused the suicidal hot-line to the point that she had been labeled, 'high risk suicidal'. So all of the facilities around here, didn't want to take the risk, of her attempting to harm herself while in their care. Therefore, they all turned her away. We had been told already, that should something happen that my sister became unable to take care of her, that she would be turned over to the state if no other family was able to take her into their home. And that would be a heavy burden to have to bare! We knew if that happened that we'd have NO more say, over her care.

It's a long story of how this all came about, but I assure you; It was God who made it possible! And my sister is letting mom know that, if/when she gets better enough, mom can come back home. So mom's o.k. with the transfer. And I know God will help us with the transition! (She's suppose to go there in the morning.)



Kat_D -> RE: Elderly Parent Dilemma (1/24/2008 6:23:33 PM)

quote:

Everything has worked out wonderfully! (Thanks for the prayers!) My sister called me at noon and said that mom has been accepted in one of the finest Nursing facilities in this area! God opened a door that we thought was permanently barricaded! {He can do that! He's so AWESOME!} This same facility had turned us away, about 3 weeks ago.



Where there is no way, God can make a way!!! I am so blessed to hear this news. I pray your Mom will be well cared for in this nursing home and the staff there will be kind and loving to her.

Some suggestions:

Visit her often. The patients who have family that come regularly, tend to get better care. Be your Mom's advocate...her voice...keep your eyes open for things that are not being done right and speak up.

Take her little gifts when you come...a bud vase with a rose, a little stuffed animal for her bed, a lipstick, or some cookies. When you and your siblings visit, style her hair, or give her a manicure and pedicure, or a facial. Make sure she has pretty nighties and slippers, etc. Send her cards a few times a week. Put pictures of you "kids" and her grandchildren in her room.

If they allow her to have one, bring her a cd player and worship music to play. Also if she likes to read, bring her books and magazines. Read the Bible to her if she'll let you. If it's allowed, take her out for walks around the grounds.

You get the idea. Make her feel special and loved.. She should do fine if she knows you are all still part of her life and she isn't alone.



zondie -> RE: Elderly Parent Dilemma (1/24/2008 6:43:02 PM)

Thanks for all the tips Kat!
Although we've been discussing a lot of these, we hadn't thought of some of your ideas. So, thanks again. We know already that she's allowed to have T.V. and a phone in her room. But right now, mom's not interested in any of these things. But maybe after she's been there a while and they've gotten her involved with some of their activities; she'll become more interested. Oh yeah, they also have Church on Sundays and some through the week![sm=funny.gif]



Kat_D -> RE: Elderly Parent Dilemma (1/25/2008 10:59:07 AM)

Not that I believe in bribery[sm=sidesmile.gif]...but, periodically taking cookies, flowers, or other goodies for the staff at the nursing home goes a long way to ensure better care for your mom.

With the staff at my mom's facility, we did something we liked to call "Catch Them Caring" and then rewarded them for it, both individually and as a group.



zondie -> RE: Elderly Parent Dilemma (1/25/2008 8:03:28 PM)

quote:

Kat:
With the staff at my mom's facility, we did something we liked to call "Catch Them Caring" and then rewarded them for it, both individually and as a group.


[sm=thumbsup.gif]I LIKE THAT IDEA!!! I'll share it with my siblings. You're such a blessing to us Kat! I thank God for you and everyone who has helped us through this!

This is mom's first day and night at her new home! My sister took her there this morning. I didn't get to go along,[&o] but will probably see her this week-end. My sister tells me it's a real nice place. They have a Koi pond, Guinea pigs and birds for the residents to enjoy. They also have many activities to participate in. Mom told them she liked playing Bingo, so she'd be joining them in that game! [sm=tonguehappy.gif]Hairdressers come twice a week and they even have a free make-up, manicure and facial day! They go to the store for them once a week, so she's asked to have her store list ready by Wednesday. There's a lot more my sister told me about this place that would take up to much time to list. But I'm anxious to visit this week-end![sm=dance.gif]

Oh yeah, my sister requested to do all of mom's laundry, and they said it was fine! I'm excited for her! It sounds like she's gonna adapt to this place just fine. I'll keep praying. We'll see how it goes from here.

Again: Thank You! God Bless you all!!!



HisCovenant -> RE: Elderly Parent Dilemma (1/25/2008 8:06:50 PM)

Praise God!!



zondie -> RE: Elderly Parent Dilemma (1/25/2008 8:16:34 PM)

Thanks for rejoicing with me HisCovenant![sm=funny.gif]

GOD TRULY IS SO GOOD, THAT WORDS CAN'T DESCRIBE HIM!!!



Kat_D -> RE: Elderly Parent Dilemma (1/25/2008 8:19:03 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: HisCovenant

Praise God!!


Me too!!!!



HisCovenant -> RE: Elderly Parent Dilemma (1/25/2008 8:29:30 PM)

I remember the dispair and confusion we felt when my father was so sick and we were considering nursing homes. My father has recovered somewhat and is able to stay alone during the day while my mother works, but I wish things had been clearer and easier for us... it makes me so glad that God is easing your way and giving all such comfort. He is wonderful... and even though God didn't give me the same easy way that you are experiencing, I learned a ton that will serve to make me a better person in many areas. God was good to me, too- just a different type of good. [;)]



zondie -> RE: Elderly Parent Dilemma (1/25/2008 8:32:45 PM)

It's such a blessing to have friends to Praise God with!!!


[sm=angelhalo.gif]WE GIVE GLORY TO THE GOODNESS OF GOD!!![sm=angelhalo.gif]



zondie -> RE: Elderly Parent Dilemma (1/27/2008 1:11:43 AM)

quote:

HisCovenant:
but I wish things had been clearer and easier for us...

I wish that had been the case too, HisCovenant.

quote:

HisCovenant:
I learned a ton that will serve to make me a better person in many areas. God was good to me, too- just a different type of good.

Sometimes, growth or something to be learned...is very uncomfortable. But you and I know, that God always knows what's best for us. And God don't allow things to happen in our lives just to cause us hurt. (Although, He already knows the pain it will cause us. He's ready to ease and comfort our heartache.) There's always a reason, or reasons why we must go through the things that we have to experience in life. We belong to HIM and HE is conditioning us for eternal life with HIM in HIS kingdom!(You, and both your parents are in my prayers.)


Mom's first night/day in her new home, was great! She slept all night, ate 100% of breakfast and was stirring around the place for the rest of the day. I pray the more familiar she becomes with the staff and the home; the more she'll begin to get back into becoming involved with life again!



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