Thou shalt not lie! (Full Version)

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ebony101 -> Thou shalt not lie! (3/21/2008 7:16:57 AM)

Ok. I checked the commandments and the real words are Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour. But I'm sure it's more or less the same thing.

What I want to know is why guys lie to girls when they're in a relationship with them? I want some honest answers. I don't want to give the details of what happened to me yet, because I don't want your answers to be shaded accorded to my experience (I'll give my details a little lower down). I also just want some general answers first, before I relate my experience.



broyce1981 -> RE: Thou shalt not lie! (3/21/2008 7:31:11 AM)

Well, the short answer would be "probably the same reason girls lie to guys in a relationship". Probably has something to do with not respecting someone enough to be honest with them or trying to hide something from the other person. Basically it is a sign of immaturity in a person if they will lie to you. But it's hard to try to guess a guy's motives as to why they lied without hearing what happened unfortuanately.



ebony101 -> RE: Thou shalt not lie! (3/21/2008 8:17:52 AM)

Somehow, Broyce I don't think that girls lie as much as guys do. I can't really say since I don't date girls[:D]. My own limited experience has taught me that out of every 5 men, 3 have lied to me. And I'm not talking about little white lies but major lies. And dishonesty is a relationship breaker for me. It's beginning to become quite disconcerting. I'm at the point where I'm beginning to think that all men lie and I don't want to have to make such a broad, negative stereotype [:o][&o].



broyce1981 -> RE: Thou shalt not lie! (3/21/2008 9:31:16 AM)

Please don't make broad generalizations about which gender lies more. I assure you that there are lots of women who will lie in a relationship. I know, because I keep seeming to find myself in a relationship with them! But I'm not going to hold that against women in general, because I know that there are still plenty of good, Godly women out there who will not deceive me. So know that there are good men out there as well who will treat you with more respect.



mrtigger -> RE: Thou shalt not lie! (3/21/2008 10:03:09 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ebony101

I'm at the point where I'm beginning to think that all men lie and I don't want to have to make such a broad, negative stereotype [:o][&o].


All people lie. Most people are reasonably honest most of the time but all people will lie in some situations. This is true for both men and women.

Why does your boyfriend lie to you? Could be many reasons... Maybe he feels the relationship will end if he is truthful. Maybe he feels you will think less of him if he is truthful. Maybe he thinks you will require some change from him if he is truthful about himself.

Those are the main reasons that I can think of that guys might have lied to you. But if you, knowing these guys personally, don't know why they lie, my guesses may be way wrong.

The younger a person is,the more likely they are to lie. If you are a fairly young person,some of the lying problem is due to immaturity of the guys and it will probably get less as you get older.



humbleinspirit -> RE: Thou shalt not lie! (3/22/2008 5:34:10 AM)

quote:

What I want to know is why guys lie to girls when they're in a relationship with them? I want some honest answers. I don't want to give the details of what happened to me yet, because I don't want your answers to be shaded accorded to my experience (I'll give my details a little lower down). I also just want some general answers first, before I relate my experience.


quote:

Why does your boyfriend lie to you? Could be many reasons... Maybe he feels the relationship will end if he is truthful. Maybe he feels you will think less of him if he is truthful.


That and the fear of feeling rejected as well.



ebony101 -> RE: Thou shalt not lie! (3/24/2008 6:54:17 AM)

Thanks for your answers guys. When I opened this post, my wounds were still raw. I'm still trying to come to terms with this guy and his untruthfulness, but I think this will be a landmark experience in my life. This is what occurred in a nutshell...

I was going about the business of life quite happily, when I met this guy.
Cirumstances kept popping up where we were always together, but for brief periods (no more than a minute) of time. Then on one occasion we ended up together for an extended period of time, so naturally we began to chat. Things progressed from there.

Now I want to make it clear that I was not looking for a relationship, however, when he expressed the desire to go out with me I saw no reason to say no and we did begin to go out. I tried to delay actually going out with him, but he was so persistent & when I spoke to my friends about it, they gave me the green light - how else was I going to get to know if he was the one?

He seemed to be so perfect: He was a Christian who attended church regularly, age-wise he was older than me (I have a thing about dating younger guys), he was gainfully employed, thoughtful, caring, sweet and .... just everything I could want in a man. He was also engaged to someone else. That's where the dishonesty came in! I was totallly clueless about this. When I found out - not from him - I insistently brought the relationship to an end.

I take the fault for not guarding my heart, I usually enter relationships very skeptically, I am very selctive and I don't want to get into anything where my criteria aren't met & then have to end the relationship. But he satisfied all of my criteria. And I let him into my life and took down the barriers around my heart.

I guess in all honesty, he didn't really lie, but he never said that he was engaged. When you are engaged aren't you off limits to the rest of the population? You're not supposed to express an interest in, pursue or date other people because you have declared your intentions to one person that you would like to spend the rest of your life with her. Why did he pursue me then? Why was he so persistent that I go out with him?

There's a lot more to it, but I can't put my life in one post. So guys, that's my experience, Jesus is still trying to heal my broken heart - but this time it's a real mess.

Any explanations for his behaviour?



ebony101 -> RE: Thou shalt not lie! (3/24/2008 7:19:58 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mrtigger

quote:

ORIGINAL: ebony101

I'm at the point where I'm beginning to think that all men lie and I don't want to have to make such a broad, negative stereotype [:o][&o].


All people lie. Most people are reasonably honest most of the time but all people will lie in some situations. This is true for both men and women.

Why does your boyfriend lie to you? Could be many reasons... Maybe he feels the relationship will end if he is truthful. Maybe he feels you will think less of him if he is truthful. Maybe he thinks you will require some change from him if he is truthful about himself.

Those are the main reasons that I can think of that guys might have lied to you. But if you, knowing these guys personally, don't know why they lie, my guesses may be way wrong.

The younger a person is,the more likely they are to lie. If you are a fairly young person,some of the lying problem is due to immaturity of the guys and it will probably get less as you get older.





Thanks for your answers mrtigger. Your very first reason has hit the nail right on the head. The relationship did end . I had no choice but to do so, because of his duplicity.

However, I don't think that he can use age as an excuse, I'm thirty-something and he's been on this earth a lot longer than me. Long enough not to be considered immature [8|].



DaveW -> RE: Thou shalt not lie! (3/24/2008 12:47:41 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ebony101

Ok. I checked the commandments and the real words are Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour. But I'm sure it's more or less the same thing.
Actually is is not. False Witness means to falsely acuse someone of a crime. (Or to insist on their innocense when you know they are guilty) We are commanded not to lie, but not in the 10 commandments.

Eph 4:25 Therefore, laying aside falsehood, SPEAK TRUTH EACH ONE of you WITH HIS NEIGHBOR, for we are members of one another.

Col 3:9 Do not lie to one another, since you laid aside the old self with its evil practices,

quote:

What I want to know is why guys lie to girls when they're in a relationship with them? I want some honest answers. I don't want to give the details of what happened to me yet, because I don't want your answers to be shaded accorded to my experience (I'll give my details a little lower down). I also just want some general answers first, before I relate my experience.
Could be any number of reasons.

Some guys are pathological liars. I had a friend in school that lied even if the truth was better for him.

Some guys are covering up something they don't want you to know about. Could be legal trouble, abuse issues, overt sin in their lives, or another girl on the side.

Some guys lie to themselves about stuff and so believe what they tell you even if it is untrue.

We are all sinners saved by grace. We all have areas of blindness, sin and immaturity, no matter if we are 20 or 80.



dinomax55 -> RE: Thou shalt not lie! (3/24/2008 3:51:09 PM)

Women lie to guys, too- I'm sure that it's 50-50.
As for you and your experience, though, that sort of thing shouldn't be tolerated. if a man has respect for you and your feelings he would come clean at the beginning of the relationship. In fact, if he has any integrity at all he wouldn't jump into a relationship with another woman in the first place. It's possible that he felt the walls closing in regarding his engagement, or he's just a two-timing punk. Either way, I'm sorry you had to experience that. Christian men aren't supposed to act like that.



jn1010lf -> RE: Thou shalt not lie! (3/25/2008 6:31:00 PM)

Hello ebony101

Christians, of all people, can afford to be open, real and transparent. I've joked with people but they know I'm putting them on. But when the time is dictated, Christians should be able to come clean.



ebony101 -> RE: Thou shalt not lie! (3/30/2008 6:32:10 AM)

Thanks for the responses and sympathy guys.

I'm just really puzzled about his behaviour. He's still calling me and insisting that he's not engaged or married. So I guess he's still lying then. I ignore most of his calls, but then when I can't take the ringing of the phone anymore I answer it.

The calls have finally fizzled out. If he doesn't call back by Monday, I'll consider that chapter of my life closed and set about to trying to figure out what was God's purpose in that chapter.



PreserveWildlife -> RE: Thou shalt not lie! (3/30/2008 8:25:02 AM)

Everyone lies to some extent because we cannot fully trust another person. It's the result of a fallen world.



humbleinspirit -> RE: Thou shalt not lie! (3/30/2008 5:08:52 PM)

I disagree, not all men or women lie in all relationships.



PreserveWildlife -> RE: Thou shalt not lie! (3/30/2008 5:40:29 PM)

quote:

I disagree, not all men or women lie in all relationships.
So you're saying there are men and women who never lie at all in a relationship?



jbow -> RE: Thou shalt not lie! (3/30/2008 6:34:00 PM)

Don't paint averyone with this brush. I would never have done this in a relationship, not even when I was young and wild. Relationships are nothing if not honest... nothing.

Relationships are about honesty and comittment. True love will grow, but not without both of those ingredients.

J



doer -> RE: Thou shalt not lie! (3/31/2008 8:41:31 PM)

I can only speak for myself... no idea who "guys" is or what he talks about.

I consider myself a pretty honest person.. even if it is the ugly truth.
have been accused of lying. not a good thing to do to me, because I do not react well to that.
if "gals" takes my honesty and crumples it up and disregards it. she can expect (only because I no longer care to be taken seriously) unique and special "get away from me" sarcasm.



buckifn -> RE: Thou shalt not lie! (4/1/2008 9:35:48 AM)

Most of the time a person who says they would never lie, just did. So yes, we all lie about something at some point. I would say when I did it was prob out of immaturity more than anything. Not wanting to hurt a girls feelings by saying you don't attract me at all and going along with something I didn't want to do. Another reason was to avoid conflict. It's better to say (at 18 or 19) a cerrtain movie was ok instead of starting an argument about if you loved me you would take me to this movie all my friends have already seen...kind of deal.

Would I do that now? No, maturity makes a huge difference. My time is to valuable to lie and say Im ok to do something I really have no interest in doing.

If someone asks me why I say something which sounds harsh I usually ask them would knowing I told you a lie make you feel better...and they usually say no.

One reason people lie, male and female is because they are not comfortable with who they are.



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: Thou shalt not lie! (4/1/2008 3:29:06 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ebony101
I'm just really puzzled about his behaviour. He's still calling me and insisting that he's not engaged or married. So I guess he's still lying then. I ignore most of his calls, but then when I can't take the ringing of the phone anymore I answer it.


really sucky story :( i guess you have his answer is he is crazy that he still lies even after confronted. that really doesn't make sense. i am curious if you talked to his fiancee to straighten things out, or if the people who broke the news to you did or could. it really would suck if she was blind to his cheating heart. something similiar happened to a friend of mine, however there were women/girlfriends/and a wife all over the country that were oblivious to this guy having multiple relationships :(



DaveW -> RE: Thou shalt not lie! (4/2/2008 11:26:24 AM)

Yeah - he needs to be brought back to reality. So does his fiancee.



willfs -> RE: Thou shalt not lie! (4/3/2008 4:46:26 PM)

I know two guys who are extremely ..... well I don't know any better way to say it than they BS a lot. The lie all of the time and are extreme chameleons. They will tell a woman anything to get her to go out with them, and into bed. One of them went out with an awesome Christian girl. She went slowly with him as she did with all guys. She eventually found out exactly what he was like through hanging out with him over a long period of time and through her friends who got to know the guy. Their relationship never went to a serious level.

The other guy is married. His wife catches him all the time in little white lies that he tells to get out of trouble. She seems to take it okay but I am not sure.

However, I hang out with a good number of guys who are extremely honest and I would reccomend them to any girl to date. I consider myself, most of my guy friends, my father, as well as most of my male family members as being very honest and genuine.

There are honest guys out there. Don't give up.



ebony101 -> RE: Thou shalt not lie! (4/5/2008 5:06:02 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: iwillfearnoevil

quote:

i am curious if you talked to his fiancee to straighten things out, or if the people who broke the news to you did or could. it really would suck if she was blind to his cheating heart.




His fiancee knows of his behaviour. She's the one who called me to alert me to his deceitful, cheating self. You could have knocked me down with a feather when she told me he was engaged.



jn1010lf -> RE: Thou shalt not lie! (4/5/2008 2:35:58 PM)

Hello ebony101

I think guys lie to girls out of trying to convince themselves that they are real men. I enjoy joshing with women, yes, but I never embellish myself to convince them I'm something I'm not. I've always contended that any girl worth her salt can sense whether a guy is leveling with her or not. If she can't, she's can get into some real trouble.

So, if you sense a guy is putting on, you might return the game but don't get involved on a personal basis. Any girl has a right to make a guy appreciate her.



DaveW -> RE: Thou shalt not lie! (4/7/2008 7:52:56 AM)

quote:

His fiancee knows of his behaviour. She's the one who called me to alert me to his deceitful, cheating self. You could have knocked me down with a feather when she told me he was engaged.
Hmmm.

It makes no sense to me for her to be engaged to him with full knowledge of his cheating ways. At least not STILL engaged.

Are you sure she is not just a jilted bitter former gf?



ebony101 -> RE: Thou shalt not lie! (4/10/2008 9:14:00 PM)

quote:

Hmmm.

It makes no sense to me for her to be engaged to him with full knowledge of his cheating ways. At least not STILL engaged.

Are you sure she is not just a jilted bitter former gf?





I'm beginning to wonder, because it's been almost 3 weeks now & he still keeps texting me and phoning me. I don't answer the calls, but I do read the texts.

But everytime I'm tempted to think that maybe I'm wrong & that I should give him the benefit of the doubt. I begin to remember things that she said that explains some "questionable behaviour" that he exhibited on previous occassions. In addition to that she called me from his cell phone!



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