My mum is having an affair (Full Version)

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zarazara -> My mum is having an affair (4/2/2008 2:19:04 PM)

My parents are seperated, my dad has cheated on my mum for as far back as I can remember. Both are not saved but I am and my siblings are too. Anyway, my mum started seeing this guy she met on the internet and she told me about it and I wished she hadn't because I feel like I am betraying my dad by keeping her secret. She doesn't think she will ever get back with dad but they haven't filed for divorce or anything and dad is trying to get back with her. He has taken her out a few times in a bid to reconcile. I know it would break him to know that she has been with someone else and I just think she's trying to hurt him or pay him back and I'm confused. I think it's all wrong and she should stop but I don't know what to do or how to say it to her. Can you offer any advice? What would you do if it was your mum?



Hislittleone -> RE: My mum is having an affair (4/2/2008 2:51:52 PM)

Well, I've never been in such a situation but if it were my mom I'd probably advise her to divorce my dad if he was constantly having affairs. Not saying you should do that but I think it's what I would do. Imagine the pain and humiliation your mom has lived with all these years.

All that said, your parents aren't Christians so you can't expect them to act like they are, kwim?

If you feel uncomfortable keeping this secret let your mom know you won't keep it a secret anymore. Give her the chance to come clean (with your dad) first though. I don't think it's fair for her to lay this on you. She's put you in the middle of their problems.



buckifn -> RE: My mum is having an affair (4/2/2008 3:03:42 PM)

I'd tell them both to stop dumping their garbage in my backyard and deal with it their ownselves. It's ridiculous either of them try to put you in the middle.



Hislittleone -> RE: My mum is having an affair (4/2/2008 3:18:11 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: buckifn

I'd tell them both to stop dumping their garbage in my backyard and deal with it their ownselves. It's ridiculous either of them try to put you in the middle.


Well said.



preserved -> RE: My mum is having an affair (4/2/2008 3:29:31 PM)

I'd say talk with both parents to file for divorced since it does not appear that your mother wants reconcilation. I noticed that you appear to be so concern as to your mother's actions...what about your father's actions..

These are not really your concerns...reality it's between your mother and father...



April75 -> RE: My mum is having an affair (4/2/2008 5:16:04 PM)

You are not to be blamed for not telling your father. It's not your job or responsibility. So please don't feel bad about it. When and if your father finds out he won't blame you because it's not your fault.

If anyone is betraying it's them to each other and not you. You shouldn't be in the middle of this.



rainbowtvp -> RE: My mum is having an affair (4/2/2008 5:54:58 PM)

When your mom brings up the topic- just tell her you don't want to know anything about it and refuse to discuss it.

Tara P



TMeeks -> RE: My mum is having an affair (4/2/2008 6:14:39 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: zarazara

My parents are seperated, my dad has cheated on my mum for as far back as I can remember. Both are not saved but I am and my siblings are too. Anyway, my mum started seeing this guy she met on the internet and she told me about it and I wished she hadn't because I feel like I am betraying my dad by keeping her secret. She doesn't think she will ever get back with dad but they haven't filed for divorce or anything and dad is trying to get back with her. He has taken her out a few times in a bid to reconcile. I know it would break him to know that she has been with someone else and I just think she's trying to hurt him or pay him back and I'm confused. I think it's all wrong and she should stop but I don't know what to do or how to say it to her. Can you offer any advice? What would you do if it was your mum?

zarazara,

I really feel for you in what you;ve gone through. We love our both parents and a separation is hard on children no matter how old they are.

It's especially difficult when parents try to use their children as the go-between which appears to at least be true a little bit in your situation.

What you may want to think about is to tell each parent that you love both of them equally and that you do not want to talk about the other parent at all. You want to focus on the parent you are with and only that parent.

Perhaps it could go something like this...

"Dad, this separation is very hard on me and it makes it even harder when I talk about mom with you and she isn't here. When I am with you I only want to focus on you and me... nobody else. I need my time with you to be my time with you and only you."

"Mum, this separation is very hard on me and it makes it even harder when I talk about dad with you and he isn't here. When I am with you I only want to focus on you and me... nobody else. I need my time with you to be my time with you and only you."

This is called setting boundaries and you not only have the right to set boundaries; but, in a sense, the obligation to set boundaries because it will help everyone. The problem is that neither of your parents know how to set boundaries which is why they have behaved as they have. You can stop that cycle by learning how set boundaries in this relationship so that you don't end up making the same mistake in your own marriage.

As for their behavior? They own it. You don't. The Bible tells us that people reap what they sow. But, unfortunately, people like yourself have to reap what others have sown. It's no fun. But, it doesn't have to destroy you.

Let's you and I pray for your parents.

Lord, I ask that you bless zarazara's/my parents. For, I know the greatest blessing is for them to come to know you. And, I invite you Lord to move zarazara/me closer and closer to the very center of Your Will for me.

The great thing about these simple little prayers is that it frees God to do what HE needs to do to accomplish His will in all of your lives. God Bless you with His wonderful love. [sm=heart.gif][:)]



jaimestarcross -> RE: My mum is having an affair (4/5/2008 12:06:16 AM)

I wouldn't listen to either of them discuss affairs - if the subject comes up again
express to them(mom or dad) that you are praying they will both come to know the Lord as Savior - let them know how it is your deepest desire to see them accept the Christ as Lord and turn from their worldly ways.



agapetos -> RE: My mum is having an affair (4/5/2008 10:20:36 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hislittleone

quote:

ORIGINAL: buckifn

I'd tell them both to stop dumping their garbage in my backyard and deal with it their ownselves. It's ridiculous either of them try to put you in the middle.


Well said.
It is well said, but it is very hard to say, especially as a teen...

Zarazara, TMeeks made a good post. Two suggestions ~ if you find it hard to say, then think about writing your feelings in letters to give to your parents.



zarazara -> RE: My mum is having an affair (4/10/2008 1:32:04 AM)

Thank you all so much for your comments and prayers. There was so many to read and I really appreciate the time you took to answer my question. I will take it on all board. Thanks everyone.



dryden -> RE: My mum is having an affair (4/10/2008 4:44:25 AM)

If it were my mom, I would also be disappointed and worried about the situation especially knowing that my dad is trying to get back with her.. Who doesn't want to have her family back again right?? What I would do is I would try to ask my mom about it if it were serious and what really is the real deal.. I would aslo tell her about my feelings towards it.



blue1914 -> RE: My mum is having an affair (4/11/2008 3:15:55 PM)

I am actually in this situation with a few differences (while I have suspected my father in the past of cheating on my mother, I have no proof of it, etc. Also, they both claim to be believers.).

I've come to realize that whatever it that causes people to act this way is very vengeful-my mom took deliberate steps to cause as much pain as possible to my father in what she did with her new "friend" as she terms him (though she has gone out of the country several times with this individual, to this day she still refuses to refer to the affair as an affair, instead talking about her "friend").

In her case, she started the affair before she left my father's house (she is now separated and lives apart from him). Like in your case, she attempted to put all of our family in the middle of this thing-none of us (my siblings and myself) appreciate this.

I will tell you one thing I have learned at over 2 years into this whole thing-whatever you do, please PLEASE pray and ask the Lord to lead you through this situation. In my case, I am learning now that I have a LOT of bitterness at my mother for all that she has put me through (unintentionally on her part, but it hurts just the same). I have tried to pray about it and pray for her, but my anger at times has hindered my communication with God about this whole thing. Before you get there, I would HIGHLY recommend that you put this entire situation at the feet of the Cross and ask for guidance through this whole thing-you will DEFINITELY need it (especially since neither of them are believers).

The biggest issue for me was dealing with my mixed feelings-my mon had a reason to want to do what she did-it's just the way she did it was DEPLORABLE and not only did it hurt all of us in the family but it brought personal shame upon herself. My dad was not blameless in any way, but the deliberate attempts to hurt him were not only unseemly but very petty and vindictive. I hated seeing that side of my mother and father-I lost some respect for them through the process and that's NOT the right response-again, that's where walking through this with the help of the Holy Spirit is so important.

Additionally, the situation dredged up a lot of issues from the past in general with our family that we did not ever deal with. I am still fighting and struggling with my own feelings (at two years into this thing) and I don't know how long before I will be able to say anything different.

I will be praying for you, but again, let me encourage you to take this to the Cross and ask for guidance-it's the only way I've even started to get through something like this. PM me if you want to talk about specifics, I will be praying for you and God bless you!



zarazara -> RE: My mum is having an affair (4/13/2008 3:37:44 PM)

Thank you for this; knowing someone understands what I am going through helps. I was feeling so alone before I joined this forum; it was a burden I was carrying and I couldnt share with friends or even our youth pastor. I really appreciate this and I will take it to the cross.thanks again



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