|
Users viewing this topic:
none
|
|
Login  | |
|
RE: to keep or not to keep that is the question - 4/7/2008 11:05:10 PM
|
|
|
moonbeam87
Posts: 20
Status: offline
|
quote:
How do your parents (yours and his) feel about you being pregnant?
You don't mention your parents or your church family in all this.
Gather everyone together and pray about this situation as soon as possible.
Our parents were disappointed in us when we first told them, and they told us so. It hurt to hear them say that, but they never yelled and actually listened to us. I'm glad they are so understanding. Now its kicked in that they are going to be grandparents and they're excited and want to help. My parents like my bf a lot and they're hoping we get married.
When I went to church for the first time since I've been pregnant...I felt uncomfortable because I look noticeably pregnant and there were quite a lot of staring and whispering going on. I even heard some people say "slut" under their breaths. I'm not sure I want to go back there.
quote:
Do you really think you will be able to keep yourself focused on school work after giving up your child for adoption (IF you and the boyfriend agree on the matter.)
I'm not sure. Maybe if I'm motivated enough I can.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: to keep or not to keep that is the question - 4/7/2008 11:20:29 PM
|
|
|
Liveloved
Posts: 639
Joined: 1/22/2008
Status: offline
|
To give a baby up for adoption is the most selfless, most loving act a person can do. There are many who are praying to find a child to love and care for.
Don't let others discourage you from doing what you know is right. If you are too young and unprepared to be a parent, and willing to give up your child for adoption, I would bless you, starlight.
Many aren't humble or generous enough to do what you have said you want to do. Bless you. I pray the Lord gives you the comfort and assurance to give your child a family who will love and nurture him! You are wise beyond your years. 
|
|
|
|
|
RE: to keep or not to keep that is the question - 4/8/2008 12:06:13 AM
|
|
|
georgerobbyjr
Posts: 106
Joined: 9/2/2006
Status: offline
|
quote:
To give a baby up for adoption is the most selfless, most loving act a person can do. There are many who are praying to find a child to love and care for.
Don't let others discourage you from doing what you know is right. If you are too young and unprepared to be a parent, and willing to give up your child for adoption, I would bless you, starlight.
Many aren't humble or generous enough to do what you have said you want to do. Bless you. I pray the Lord gives you the comfort and assurance to give your child a family who will love and nurture him! You are wise beyond your years.
Well, this is a tough situation, but you'd better think long and hard before giving up the baby for adoption. It's hard to say what you should do, but there will be consequences with your decision. If you give the baby up for adoption, this may be a mistake, if it's a mistake, that you will regret with for the rest of your life. If you think you can go through the whole 9 months of pregnancy, give the baby away, concentrate on your studies and go back to life as usual you may be mistaken. I won't say not to give the baby up for adoption, but please make certain that is what you want. Can you not continue your studies part-time? Are you just afraid of raising a child or are you convinced you are not ready? Can you guys get married and live with your parents for a couple of years to save money? You will need as much moral support as possible, as raising a child can seem overwhelming (though the feeling will change over time). Pray for guidance and direction, and make the decision with your boyfriend, not a pastor or counsellor. You can ask for their advice and keep your ears open, but it is your decision and I think only you can make this one.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: to keep or not to keep that is the question - 4/8/2008 12:23:23 AM
|
|
|
still4gvn
Posts: 355
Joined: 12/28/2005
From: State of Grace, WA
Status: offline
|
I got pregnant in my last year of college. He was born Feb. and I grad August. A grandma babysat and sometimes I took him to class. My bf married me when I was about 6 months preg and had left by the time baby was born. It was a real busy year! But, you know, things worked out. The baby is 43 years old now and I'm a grandma and have a wonderful husband. I cut myself off from church a long time and that was a big mistake. One time, I was walking down the street with the baby and the pastor's wife saw me and came running over and invited me in for tea and was so nice. My own embarassment made me stay away. Perhaps you need to sit down with your pastor and explain. Give them a chance. If they really reject you, there are much better churches around. But if your parents go there - they sound very nice.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: to keep or not to keep that is the question - 4/8/2008 2:37:35 PM
|
|
|
shadowspring
Posts: 1168
Joined: 5/27/2006
Status: offline
|
quote:
my baby is an illegitimate.
There is nothing illegitimate about your baby! He/she has both a father and a mother, and both are known. If by illegitimate you mean that your baby's parents aren't married to each other, that would be easy enough to fix, now wouldn't it? 
Honestly, if people in your church are whispering "slut" when an unmarried pregnant woman comes down the aisle, you need a new church!  The judgment of God is ripe to fall on that place, and you don't want to be there when it all hits the fan!!
Your problem is not so big that God can't handle it. You love your boyfriend, right? And you have wanted to marry him for some time, is that not also true?
So now God is in control of your times instead of you, and that is a little scary. Until you remember how much He loves you! I assure you Christ does not condemn you for your sin- he is the one who bled on the cross to secure your forgiveness!
Ask Jesus what to do, promising to surrender to His counsel. He can provide, and show you how to make what you have last as long as you need it to last. The Word of God is full of countless stories of how God provides for His own. He will never fail you nor forsake you, dear little sister!
_____________________________
"All that is gold does not glitter, not all those who wander are lost..." -J. R. R. Tolkien
|
|
|
|
|
RE: to keep or not to keep that is the question - 4/8/2008 2:41:22 PM
|
|
|
shadowspring
Posts: 1168
Joined: 5/27/2006
Status: offline
|
quote:
To give a baby up for adoption is the most selfless, most loving act a person can do. There are many who are praying to find a child to love and care for.
Don't let others discourage you from doing what you know is right. If you are too young and unprepared to be a parent, and willing to give up your child for adoption, I would bless you, starlight.
Liveloved,
The father wants to keep his child. Adoption is not a unilateral decision one parent can make without the other parent's consent.
If she refused to acknowledge paternity, the father can get a court order and DNA test to prove the child is his. Then the adoptive parent's will be forced by the court to return the child.
There would be heartache and disappointment all around. It would be very ill-advised to attempt to adopt out her baby against the wishes of the baby's father.
_____________________________
"All that is gold does not glitter, not all those who wander are lost..." -J. R. R. Tolkien
|
|
|
|
|
RE: to keep or not to keep that is the question - 4/8/2008 4:32:33 PM
|
|
|
Sideways
Posts: 2028
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: starlight87123
I love him and I want to marry him really badly (I've been waiting 4 years), but I also have worked so hard to get a six year degree to become a pharmacist (hrs and hrs of studying in an extremely competitive program) and I don't want to give up on it when I'm almost done and that much closer to financial independence. Idk it's conflicting. I am going to be crushed if I give up my baby, I'm already attached, but I am going to be crushed when all that hard work I did means nothing and I'm so close to being done.
Please, please, please do not quit college. Pharmacy is actually a really great job to have and be a mom. The hours are flexible, and you can easily work part time. College is worth it; your degree is worth it. Anyone who tells you otherwise is full of sour grapes.
I think you are very noble to give careful consideration to this decision. Adoption does not mean that you don't love your child. It means that you loved your child enough to make an incredibly painful decision in their best interest.
Babies don't cost a lot of money, but they cost a lot of time. Caring for a newborn is more overwhelming then you can possibly imagine. Unless you have serious help, you won't be able to finish college and care for the baby.
If you have a lot of help from grandparents and other family members, you might be able to do it. Being a parent is the most wonderful thing I ever did, but it is also by far the hardest. I did make the mistake of sex before marriage, but I was lucky. I managed to finish my engineering degree and I worked as a mechanical engineer for seven years full time before becoming a SAHM to my newborn son.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: to keep or not to keep that is the question - 4/8/2008 4:36:20 PM
|
|
|
Sideways
Posts: 2028
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: starlight87123
When I went to church for the first time since I've been pregnant...I felt uncomfortable because I look noticeably pregnant and there were quite a lot of staring and whispering going on. I even heard some people say "slut" under their breaths. I'm not sure I want to go back there.
quote:
Do you really think you will be able to keep yourself focused on school work after giving up your child for adoption (IF you and the boyfriend agree on the matter.)
I'm not sure. Maybe if I'm motivated enough I can.
Change churches. Now. Any "Christian" who calls you a slut for not aborting your baby is no Christian at all.
I think you can finish school even after the adoption. I know people who've been involved in open adoptions. You can pick the parents for your baby, and even visit if you like. If you don't want that or can't handle it, you don't have to.
One lady I worked with had a baby at 16 and gave him up. She was happy and proud to show off his yearly school pictures, and she never regretted giving him up.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: to keep or not to keep that is the question - 4/8/2008 4:38:35 PM
|
|
|
Sideways
Posts: 2028
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
|
quote:
The father wants to keep his child. Adoption is not a unilateral decision one parent can make without the other parent's consent.
If she refused to acknowledge paternity, the father can get a court order and DNA test to prove the child is his. Then the adoptive parent's will be forced by the court to return the child.
There would be heartache and disappointment all around. It would be very ill-advised to attempt to adopt out her baby against the wishes of the baby's father.
Oh, good point. The father could take full custody if they don't get married.
What would you think of that, Starlight?
|
|
|
|
|
RE: to keep or not to keep that is the question - 4/8/2008 7:00:22 PM
|
|
|
crh737
Posts: 510
Joined: 6/1/2005
Status: offline
|
quote:
Please, please, please do not quit college. Pharmacy is actually a really great job to have and be a mom. The hours are flexible, and you can easily work part time. College is worth it; your degree is worth it. Anyone who tells you otherwise is full of sour grapes.
I think you are very noble to give careful consideration to this decision. Adoption does not mean that you don't love your child. It means that you loved your child enough to make an incredibly painful decision in their best interest.
Babies don't cost a lot of money, but they cost a lot of time. Caring for a newborn is more overwhelming then you can possibly imagine. Unless you have serious help, you won't be able to finish college and care for the baby.
If you have a lot of help from grandparents and other family members, you might be able to do it. Being a parent is the most wonderful thing I ever did, but it is also by far the hardest. I did make the mistake of sex before marriage, but I was lucky. I managed to finish my engineering degree and I worked as a mechanical engineer for seven years full time before becoming a SAHM to my newborn son.
Sideways~
No one is discouraging her to quit college. We are encouraging to do both.
Just like you did.
She can not do adoption since the baby's father wants the child. Together they can make the situation work.
She also states that the grandparents involve do sound receptive to the child as well.
If she talks to the pastor of her church then she will also have a network of people willing to help as well.
I have phone numbers to make my own phone book who are willing to babysit my child. One does it as a ministry and does not charge a fee (she's retired and loves children) and that is part of her tithe to the Lord.
There is world of sources out there where she can keep her child and finish her education too.
It may take some extra work on her part, but I firmly believe she can do this and she will in the long run be elated that she did.
Happy mom@47
CRH
< Message edited by zoebob -- 4/8/2008 7:09:00 PM >
|
|
|
|
|
RE: to keep or not to keep that is the question - 4/8/2008 8:11:09 PM
|
|
|
josie423
Posts: 6
Status: offline
|
After reading all that you've said Starlight, it seems the best course of action would be to give custody to your boyfriend, terminate your rights, and move on with your life. It is very apparent that college, financial independence, and a career are more important to you than mothering your child. Your child deserves a mother who will put him/her first.
I'm not saying you need to drop out of college; it is entirely possible to finish. Many single mothers have done it. You have a boyfriend who wants to marry you and take care of his child with his wife. It's unfortunate that you can't take responsibility for the consequences of your fornication (although I am glad you didn't abort).
I hope you grow up and do the right thing.
God Bless.
_____________________________
~Jo
The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.
-Terry Pratchett
|
|
|
|
|
RE: to keep or not to keep that is the question - 4/8/2008 8:42:43 PM
|
|
|
Sideways
Posts: 2028
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: josie423
After reading all that you've said Starlight, it seems the best course of action would be to give custody to your boyfriend, terminate your rights, and move on with your life. It is very apparent that college, financial independence, and a career are more important to you than mothering your child. Your child deserves a mother who will put him/her first.
I'm not saying you need to drop out of college; it is entirely possible to finish. Many single mothers have done it. You have a boyfriend who wants to marry you and take care of his child with his wife. It's unfortunate that you can't take responsibility for the consequences of your fornication (although I am glad you didn't abort).
Adoption is putting the child first. Adoption is taking responsibility. What a judgmental, holier-then-thou load of nonsense.
This is why the Christian Church doesn't have a leg to stand on in the war against abortion. When a young woman even contemplates the loving and difficult choice to give her baby up for adoption, she is met with this kind of attitude. Until the choice to adopt is met with genuine love and support, we have no right to complain that the abortion doctors are well employed in this country.
If the father wants full custody, fine. If she decides to keep the baby and get her degree with the help of family and friends, great. I'd be extremely happy for her.
But she obviously can't depend on her current church if they are calling her a slut. It is this kind of attitude that makes young Christian women believe that abortion is their only way out.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: to keep or not to keep that is the question - 4/8/2008 9:00:43 PM
|
|
|
josie423
Posts: 6
Status: offline
|
Put the child up for adoption so she can finish college and become financially independent (which can be done without putting the baby up for adoption)? Very responsible. In many cases adoption is most definitely putting the child first. Unfortunately in others it is selfishness and 'the easy way out'. If a career is more important, then Starlight should give the baby to the father.
The Christian Church doesn't have a leg to stand on in the war against abortion because its not doing enough to end it.
God Bless.
< Message edited by josie423 -- 4/8/2008 9:12:32 PM >
_____________________________
~Jo
The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.
-Terry Pratchett
|
|
|
|
|
RE: to keep or not to keep that is the question - 4/8/2008 9:01:24 PM
|
|
|
crh737
Posts: 510
Joined: 6/1/2005
Status: offline
|
Sideways~
Her church is not calling her a "slut" it is her own face value.
She is calling herself that, which is not a true statement!
She is totalling grieving over her mistake of having premaritial sex and believe they will perceive her as such.
Granted I agree with you the last poster was out of line and harsh
Blessings
CRH
|
|
|
|
|
RE: to keep or not to keep that is the question - 4/8/2008 9:04:35 PM
|
|
|
Sideways
Posts: 2028
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: starlight87123
When I went to church for the first time since I've been pregnant...I felt uncomfortable because I look noticeably pregnant and there were quite a lot of staring and whispering going on. I even heard some people say "slut" under their breaths. I'm not sure I want to go back there.
Yes, they are calling her bad names. She needs a new church.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: to keep or not to keep that is the question - 4/8/2008 9:14:57 PM
|
|
|
crh737
Posts: 510
Joined: 6/1/2005
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: Sideways
quote:
ORIGINAL: starlight87123
When I went to church for the first time since I've been pregnant...I felt uncomfortable because I look noticeably pregnant and there were quite a lot of staring and whispering going on. I even heard some people say "slut" under their breaths. I'm not sure I want to go back there.
Yes, they are calling her bad names. She needs a new church.
Sideways~
I apologize. It was my oversight.
That is unfortunate and you are right, she does need to find a new church.
I really dislike people who point fingers without seeing their own plank.
Starlight, Sideways is right, you do not need to be around people who want to oppress you as they themselves are sinners and fall short.
Never allow anyone to shove that old plank in your eye. Jesus told the adulterer, Where are your accusers?" You dear sister are Forgiven
PHft on them
praying for you
CRH
|
|
|
|
|
RE: to keep or not to keep that is the question - 4/8/2008 9:15:58 PM
|
|
|
moonbeam87
Posts: 20
Status: offline
|
liveloved--I believe you are the first who doesn't make me feel like a bad person for considering adoption. Thank you for your support. However, as I recently found out, i can't put up my baby up for adoption because my bf wants to keep him.
quote:
If you think you can go through the whole 9 months of pregnancy, give the baby away, concentrate on your studies and go back to life as usual you may be mistaken
maybe I am mistaken, but as a very motivated person...let me just say--I've worked too hard to be in the pharmacy program to flunk out!
quote:
Can you not continue your studies part-time?
I'm not sure. I'll have to look into it.
quote:
Are you just afraid of raising a child or are you convinced you are not ready
No, I'm not afraid of raising the child, I just don't know if I am ready to raise him b.c I can't provide for him financially due to the fact that I'm not done with college and haven't started my career yet.
quote:
Can you guys get married and live with your parents for a couple of years to save money?
I haven't asked, but I don't think they would have a problem with it. That way they would have plenty of influence on their grandkid lol.
still4gvn--thank you for your story and encouragement that "it worked out"
quote:
There is nothing illegitimate about your baby
By illegitimate I meant that his parents aren't married to eachother.
quote:
Honestly, if people in your church are whispering "slut" when an unmarried pregnant woman comes down the aisle, you need a new church! The judgment of God is ripe to fall on that place, and you don't want to be there when it all hits the fan!!
It was mostly the teenagers and kids who said that under their breath and I really am not that good an example to them.
quote:
You love your boyfriend, right? And you have wanted to marry him for some time, is that not also true?
yeah, but everyone says we're too young for marriage (we're 22), and that a pregnancy doesn't mean you have to get married...Yes I do want to marry him though. We've been through a lot, and we have a lot of happy memories. I love him and can't see myself with anyone else but him, however, I'm still trying to figure out what the best thing to do in this situation is...
< Message edited by starlight87123 -- 4/8/2008 10:37:25 PM >
|
|
|
|
|
RE: to keep or not to keep that is the question - 4/8/2008 10:04:36 PM
|
|
|
camelot12
Posts: 15
Status: offline
|
let me get this straight--you guys have known eachother since you were kids, you've been bestfriends for many years, you both fell in love and for the last 5 years you two have been dating...Why can't two people with as much history as you guys take that final step and get married?
im mean, after all that time you both probably know eachother really well, warts and all, and since you both still love eachother...i think your relationship has stood the test of time and will work.
I would recommend marrying your bf and then be surprised to watch everything else fall into place. You are lucky you have a bf who loves you and a supportive family.
< Message edited by camelot12 -- 4/8/2008 10:27:58 PM >
|
|
|
|
|
RE: to keep or not to keep that is the question - 4/9/2008 8:50:42 AM
|
|
|
shadowspring
Posts: 1168
Joined: 5/27/2006
Status: offline
|
quote:
You are lucky you have a bf who loves you and a supportive family.
So true!
I don't know how much of a godly resource your consider your parents and your bf's parents, but if they truly want to help it could make all the difference in the world.
I know if my daughter got married before finishing college, I would still send her the money I would otherwise have paid for room and board to help with rent so she could stay in school. I have already old her this in one of our "what-if" conversations about life. And of course I would still cover tuition. She would still be my child, and I look at her education as my responsibility, at least through a BS/BA.
It's that important to me as a parent. Maybe your own parents can come up with some plan to help out?
My grandmother took care of my twin sister and me from the time we were six months until my mom remarried when we were four years old.
I know other parent's who provide childcare at free or reduced rates, so their daughters' can finish their training and education.
I know of a set of grandparents who bought a duplex townhouse so their pregnant daughter could finish her studies. They let her live in one end, and provided child care so their daughter could graduate college. It was that important to them.
Maybe one or both sets of grandparents' might have similar commitment to you, your bf, your baby and your education?
_____________________________
"All that is gold does not glitter, not all those who wander are lost..." -J. R. R. Tolkien
|
|
|
|
RE: to keep or not to keep that is the question - 4/11/2008 9:17:05 PM
|
|
|
moonbeam87
Posts: 20
Status: offline
|
I've thought long and hard about my situation and I read through all the opinions posted on this message board. thank you everyone! And after thinking everything through I have decided the best thing to do would be to keep my baby boy and marry my bf. he he :)
Adoption is out of the question. My bf keeps insisting that he cannot stand the thought of someone else raising his kid. and in all honesty, I never really wanted to put my baby up for adoption if i could help it. I know I would regret it big time. I just didn't think it would be possible to raise my baby unless I had the perfect situation, but I see that it can work. According to my mom there is no such thing as the perfect situation for having a baby.
I love my bf so much. He is so wonderfully supportive and loving to me that I just know he is going to be a wonderful father. I can't bare the thought of losing him so it seems silly to break up and give him full custody of the baby, while continuing to stay together. We have decided to get married in a small inexpensive ceremony at the justice of the peace next week. We are both excited, although I have a baby bump so I will look pregnant in my wedding dress :(.
My parents have agreed to let us stay with them for a year and a half or so. We will be staying in my room and they will still make the payments for my college education, because they were originally going to do that and they really want me to finish. They are part time pharmacists lol, and they said they can help watch the baby while I am at class. My bf's folks have also agreed to help watch the baby. My bf will be done with college next year and he should have no problem finding a job, because the place he is working right now has offered to give him one when he graduates so that's good news. And when he finds a job we will look into getting our own place.
My due date is July 22, and I am really looking forward to finally being able to see and hold my baby boy although I am not looking forward to the birthing process as I heard it's very painful. My baby boy may be a mistake but I love him and am thankful for him. How can something wrong result in something so good?
|
|
|
|
|
RE: to keep or not to keep that is the question - 4/11/2008 9:23:34 PM
|
|
|
collie1
Posts: 881
Joined: 3/5/2007
From: The Place to Go: Idaho!!
Status: offline
|
I am so proud of and happy for you moonbeam, you are in my prayers (your new little family too).
|
|
|
|
|
RE: to keep or not to keep that is the question - 4/12/2008 3:58:00 AM
|
|
|
OneOfHisJewels
Posts: 1065
Joined: 8/9/2007
From: California
Status: offline
|
quote:
THe only thing you need that is somewhat expensive is a car seat.
Actually, our local CHP keeps car seats in stock to give away to the needy who ask.
_____________________________
And the Lord will continually guide you, and satisfy your desire in scorched places, and give strength to your bones; And you will be like a watered garden, And like a spring of water whose waters do not fail. Isaiah 58:11
|
|
|
|
|
RE: to keep or not to keep that is the question - 4/12/2008 7:00:29 AM
|
|
|
agapetos
Posts: 5360
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: This side of the lil duck pond!
Status: offline
|
quote:
My baby boy may be a mistake but I love him and am thankful for him. How can something wrong result in something so good? I am glad that you have got things sorted out. Know that your baby boy is not a mistake ~ God doesn't make mistakes. And while you and your bf did something wrong, God has the amazing ability to turn our mistakes, sins, etc to good.
_____________________________
Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not using them in fruit salads!
My blog
|
|
|
|
|
Forum Tools
Printable Version
