to keep or not to keep that is the question (Full Version)

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moonbeam87 -> to keep or not to keep that is the question (4/3/2008 8:16:42 PM)

I am facing a very difficult decision and I'm not quite sure what to do. Perhaps its common schenario idk. What makes this decision so difficult is no matter what I decide to do it won't be easy. Here goes:

I'm pregnant with my bf of 5 years (we're both 22, he's been my bestfriend since we were like 5 years old--we grew up together--and this is the first time I've ever been pregnant). I'm not happy about this pregnancy at all. Every day I feel guilty and horrible because here I am pregnant without a ring on my finger. Since I've been pregnant (I'm 5 months) I will not go to church b/c I feel like everyone will just point the finger and say what a big slut I am. We've only been with eachother but I'm pregnant and that's atrocious.

I've decided against abortion because I think that's wrong and i don't think I could stand to know that I killed my baby, so I've been leaning towards putting my baby up for adoption. I suppose it will be really hard to do when i'm actually holding him, and I really would prefer to keep him but I'm in college right now with 2 years left and I have to be realistic. How can I support him when I can't even support myself yet? At least by putting him up for adoption he has a chance at life and a good home. I can't give him anything.

However my bf thinks its terrible that I would even consider adoption and he wants to keep the baby. I tell him that it's not realistic to care for a baby and be in college at the same time but he still wants to keep him. How is it possible to be in a relationship when he wants to keep the baby and I want to put him up for adoption? And I still want to be with him. I'm not sure whether I should keep the baby or give him up. What would be the wisest thing to do in this situation? Thank you.



deermousie -> RE: to keep or not to keep that is the question (4/3/2008 9:06:04 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: starlight87123

I am facing a very difficult decision and I'm not quite sure what to do. Perhaps its common schenario idk. What makes this decision so difficult is no matter what I decide to do it won't be easy. Here goes:

I'm pregnant with my bf of 5 years (we're both 22, he's my best friend and this is the first time I've ever been pregnant). I'm not happy about this pregnancy at all. Every day I feel guilty and horrible because here I am pregnant without a ring on my finger. Since I've been pregnant (I'm 5 months) I will not go to church b/c I feel like everyone will just point the finger and say what a big slut I am. We've only been with eachother but I'm pregnant and that's atrocious.

I've decided against abortion because I think that's wrong and i don't think I could stand to know that I killed my baby, so I've been leaning towards putting my baby up for adoption. I suppose it will be really hard to do when i'm actually holding him, and I really would prefer to keep him but I'm in college right now with 2 years left and I have to be realistic. How can I support him when I can't even support myself yet? At least by putting him up for adoption he has a chance at life and a good home. I can't give him anything.

However my bf thinks its terrible that I would even consider adoption and he wants to keep the baby. I tell him that it's not realistic to care for a baby and be in college at the same time but he still wants to keep him. How is it possible to be in a relationship when he wants to keep the baby and I want to put him up for adoption? And I still want to be with him. I'm not sure whether I should keep the baby or give him up. What would be the wisest thing to do in this situation? Thank you.


First of all, Starlight, let me put my arms around you (and that baby!) and give you a warm hug. You are loved.

You haven't mentioned if your boyfriend is a Christian or not. Under no circumstances would I advise you to marry a non-Christian (we're told in the Bible to not be unequally yoked), but if he is a believer then I recommend you guys get some counseling from your pastor and seriously consider making a home together. If you've been together five years, you already know it can work.

The life police won't come after you if you don't finish college. Most colleges, if you aren't planning on becoming a professional, don't seem to be critical for life, and many colleges are pouring forth tremendous amounts of Marxist "theology" dressed up as education.

Before, your concern was about your relationship with your boyfriend. Now, you have a totally helpless life granted to you, and your calling is to protect that child as a priority. Good for you for dismissing the idea of abortion - it would have haunted you the rest of your life. The so-called "pro choice" (they're only pro-choice if you choose their way) people have not published the documented decades-long depression of women who aborted.

Your choice is to marry and give the child a loving, stable home or adopt the child into a loving, stable home (and that could be your parents). Your geneology in the future will show clearly what you did, whether you love her yourself or deliver her into the empty arms of Christians who will love her and complete the life that you have started. Either way, that child wins, and will know she is loved.

Imagine that this unborn child is you. What would you want to be born into - your own loving parents' home or another loving parents' home or into a single mother's life who doesn't have the income or time to raise and love her full time?

If your boyfriend doesn't make a wise decision for the benefit of this child like a father should, then you must. Protect her at all costs!

It's not atrocious that you are pregnant and unmarried - it's atrocious that you guys violated God's command be married before you act like you're married. The Bible calls that fornication, and it's sin. You two need to stop living together. If your boyfriend dumps you because you're pregnant or because you won't live with him, then he isn't a keeper for life anyway. It will break your heart but it will heal. You are now a mother and it's time to start doing the adult thing and do what is right for the baby before you do what you want for yourself. Put the child before your boyfriend. Get right with God, and see how God provides for you as you follow Him. If that means dropping out of college, well, you can't send the baby back. Your life is in a different place; bring God glory by doing things His way. Find a way to make a good life for this child - it's the #1 issue for you right now. Get right with God and may God bless all three of you and bring great good from all this. Let us know how things go; I am praying for you. (((Hugs))), dear one.



moonbeam87 -> RE: to keep or not to keep that is the question (4/3/2008 9:21:34 PM)

Just to set some things straight:

quote:

You haven't mentioned if your boyfriend is a Christian or not. Under no circumstances would I advise you to marry a non-Christian


yeah he's a christian.

quote:

You two need to stop living together


We don't live together we just had sex.

quote:

If your boyfriend dumps you because you're pregnant


my bf is totally adamant that we keep our baby and is hurt and shocked that I would consider giving him up for adoption. He already has a name picked out and everything.



csl7037 -> RE: to keep or not to keep that is the question (4/3/2008 9:48:52 PM)

I think you're wise to think soberly about the impact that a baby has on a person's life. If you weren't a little terrified at the very prospect, married or not (but especially since you're not), I'd be worried about you. The fact that he's so gung ho makes me think he's not completely being realistic.

At the same time, you're not teenagers who had a one night stand. You're adults who are now in a less than perfect situation but you need to be very careful you don't follow one regretable impulse with an equally life-impacting regretful decision. Putting a baby up for adoption wont "undo" what's been done. Pardon the cliche but two wrongs don't make a right. I'm certainly not saying that adoption is wrong - far from it!! But you need to be absolutely sure it's the right thing for you and realize that there will most certainly be emotional consequences of doing that as well. Not nearly the same consequences one faces after an abortion...but you find yourself now in a situation that has changed your life forever. Even in the most perfect scenario, having a baby alters your universe forever!! You can't make this decision as a teenager who wants things to go back to the way they were and forget this ever happened. You have to face it with an adult acceptance of where you are now and a very deliberate and careful decision about where you want to go from here.

I think this is a huge fork in the road for you and your boyfriend. I would encourage you to talk this through with a counselor. If you fear judgement at your church, find a new church! Go someplace that will work with you, pray with you, and help you and your boyfriend make a decision together on where to go from here. Much like everything else you face when you have to share parenting duties with someone, you need to be on the same page - or you need to find a way to get on the same page. Even if this ends up being the only parenting decision you and he make together, you have to make this one like parents - together.



TMeeks -> RE: to keep or not to keep that is the question (4/3/2008 9:55:20 PM)

starlight87123,

I will not even try to give you any advice other than to say please, please seek the advice of a pastor or counselor. Don't let your feelings of being looked down on keep you from seeking help in making this decision.

Lord, you know starlight87123. You know her boy friend. And, you know her baby. We know that you want the very best for each of them. Starlight87123 and her boyfriend need for you to move them both right into the very center of YOUR will for them so that they will have the wisdom and spiritual maturity to make the decision that only YOU know is best for all of them. We ask you to move in their lives in a new and wonderful way.

starlight87123, I heard a sermon this past Sunday that I will be posting on one of my blogs. The title is exactly what you need to know right now. It was called, "Your Failure is Not Final"

Sometimes, even failures can be the beginning of something beautiful and magnificent. Never forget that as you go through this difficult time. You can't do anything to make God love you more... and, you also can't do anything to make God love you less. He just loves you. It's that simple. [sm=heart.gif]



deermousie -> RE: to keep or not to keep that is the question (4/3/2008 10:04:01 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: starlight87123

Just to set some things straight:

quote:

You haven't mentioned if your boyfriend is a Christian or not. Under no circumstances would I advise you to marry a non-Christian


yeah he's a christian.



Good. That makes the unequally yoked thing a non-issue.

quote:


quote:

You two need to stop living together


We don't live together we just had sex.


I used the "living together" as a broad catch phrase. You guys need to stop having sex if you still are, and get your lives straight with God. He says don't be a fornicator. Mark 7:21, Acts 15:20, Gal. 5:19, Ephesians 5:3, Colossians 3:5. Some versions of the Bible translate fornication as immorality - it means sex before marriage. So confess and repent as according to 1 John 1:8,9 if you haven't already (you may have, you just haven't said).

quote:


quote:

If your boyfriend dumps you because you're pregnant


my bf is totally adamant that we keep our baby and is hurt and shocked that I would consider giving him up for adoption. He already has a name picked out and everything.
Is he adamant that you guys get married and that he gets a job to support you and the baby? Has he already dropped out of college and gotten a job and asked you to set a date for the wedding? I'm not being snarky here, it's an honest question. That baby needs a stable home.



relady -> RE: to keep or not to keep that is the question (4/3/2008 10:55:39 PM)

Since your BF is accepting that he is the father, in most states now he will have paternal rights and the decision of whether to put the baby up for adoption may not be solely up to you. Before you go making the decision, I would check the laws regarding his rights as a father.



moonbeam87 -> RE: to keep or not to keep that is the question (4/3/2008 11:00:06 PM)

quote:

Is he adamant that you guys get married and that he gets a job to support you and the baby?


After I got pregnant yes, he was on bended knee asking me to marry him saying he can't see himself with anyone but me his bestfriend (I said yes). He wants to get married very soon, but I still think it would be best to wait till after we graduate (2 years)

I love him and I want to marry him really badly (I've been waiting 4 years), but I also have worked so hard to get a six year degree to become a pharmacist (hrs and hrs of studying in an extremely competitive program) and I don't want to give up on it when I'm almost done and that much closer to financial independence. Idk it's conflicting. I am going to be crushed if I give up my baby, I'm already attached, but I am going to be crushed when all that hard work I did means nothing and I'm so close to being done.



csl7037 -> RE: to keep or not to keep that is the question (4/3/2008 11:03:34 PM)

quote:

I will not even try to give you any advice other than to say please, please seek the advice of a pastor or counselor. Don't let your feelings of being looked down on keep you from seeking help in making this decision.


Excellent point! Satan will so try to use this, make you fearful of what people will say or think to keep you from seeking counsel and help where you need it most. If, worst case, you and your boyfriend go to your pastor and your church and get any condemnation, realize that's their error and, like I said, find a church that loves imperfect people like Jesus did.



shadowspring -> RE: to keep or not to keep that is the question (4/4/2008 5:02:28 PM)

quote:

I tell him that it's not realistic to care for a baby and be in college at the same time but he still wants to keep him. How is it possible to be in a relationship when he wants to keep the baby and I want to put him up for adoption? And I still want to be with him. I'm not sure whether I should keep the baby or give him up. What would be the wisest thing to do in this situation? Thank you.


Why can't you get married, raise your love child, and still finish college? Is that impossible? Who says so?

You are so blessed. The father of your child loves you and you love him. You both want to marry. That is awesome. He wants to parent his child, not throw money at you and let you handle the childcare. That is awesome. You are amazingly, abundantly BLESSED!!

Can you not make room in your heart for this child? As an unwanted child, I read your post with tears. Certainly this child is no surprise to God, the God who made you also and has promised to always be your Good Shepherd and provide for you all of your days. He is the God who makes a way when there is no way.

If you will pray with an open heart and look about for other solutions besides giving up your child, you just might find a proverbial ram in the thicket.



MrsOliver -> RE: to keep or not to keep that is the question (4/4/2008 5:14:20 PM)

I 100% agree with Shadowspring!
besides you can't give your baby up with out the fathers consent, so right there is your answer for adoption. So you work out the details.
My suggestion: get married, pool your resources, and it will all come together.
GOD MADE YOUR BABY!!! It is no surprise to God! He is beautifully and wonderfully made in the image of God!
God will provide what you need, financially, emotionally and spiritually.
Plug yourself into a church that will embrace you and help you.
Being pregnant before you are married is not a hell sentence and your shame is not coming from God!!!! There is NO CONDEMNATION IN CHRIST JESUS! Ask for forgiveness for having premarital sex and forgive yourself....start planning on your babies arrival and find avenues for child care and scheduling and all those fun (sarcastic) things!
YOU can do it! God is with you my sister!



moonbeam87 -> RE: to keep or not to keep that is the question (4/6/2008 8:57:11 PM)

quote:

Why can't you get married, raise your love child, and still finish college? Is that impossible? Who says so?


I don't think that is possible!!!

Marriage will change my financial status at college. I'll no longer be a dependent and I don't know how I will pay all that money I will suddenly be responsible for...a minimum wage job won't cut it at all and if im lucky that is all i will be able to get. Plus if were to drop out of college with a married status I would suddenly be owing a lot of money. College is very expensive.

Marriage will just complicate things. I've been told that marriage isn't all roses and that it's actually a lot of work; a large balancing act between chores, finances, ex. I'd be stupid to think that marriage will make everything wonderful...Plus I'm too young to even be thinking about marriage.

Raising a child...that is a full time job in itself and I would never have time for anything else. Lack of sleep and all...no way I would be able to study and raise a baby. Marriage, baby and college at the same time? No. Maybe marriage and college could possibly work, but marriage, college and newborn baby don't mix.

quote:

You are so blessed. The father of your child loves you and you love him. You both want to marry. That is awesome. He wants to parent his child, not throw money at you and let you handle the childcare. That is awesome. You are amazingly, abundantly BLESSED!!


He's making things so difficult. He won't consider adoption at all. He's so excited about this baby and he doesn't care how expensive it will be. I wish at times that he was like a lot of the other guys out there who don't care what happens to their baby, because I can't put my baby up for adoption as long as he claims it...How that's going to affect our relationship I don't know.

quote:

Can you not make room in your heart for this child?


Of course I care about my child and I wish there was someway I could keep him. Realistically however, I think he would be better off with someone who has the financial resources to care for him. So I'd like to think that by putting him up for adoption I'm keeping his best interests in mind. At least I hope so. Plus there are couples out there who are infertile and who can't have kids who would love to have a child.



collie1 -> RE: to keep or not to keep that is the question (4/6/2008 9:14:02 PM)

Could you give your boyfriend custody of your son once he is born? You could get a part time job to pay child support and stay in college. I don't see how your relationship can ever be healed as long as he wants the baby so badly, and you don't. So maybe it would be best for all concerned if you signed away your parental rights and just let your boyfriend raise his son. He sounds like a great guy who would be able to find a nice girl to settle down with at some point.



still4gvn -> RE: to keep or not to keep that is the question (4/6/2008 9:48:09 PM)

This may be a hard question. Is dealing with college and family the problem, or is the main problem that you want to hide the fact that you got pregnant? Are you able to tell your parents and church or are you trying to stay out of sight till the baby is gone?



Hislittleone -> RE: to keep or not to keep that is the question (4/7/2008 1:11:13 AM)

Praise the Lord that you chose life for your baby!!! That is wonderful! May God bless you for making that choice. [sm=angel.gif]

You're sins have already been paid for! Get your relationship with God back on track by asking for His forgiveness and stopping the sin (of having sex outside marriage). God loves you. He never stopped loving you. Like others have said, if your church can't offer you the same grace that God has extended to each one of them you need to find another church.

That said, you are facing a difficult decision right now. It may be the most difficult decision of your life. It wouldn't be fair to leave your bf out of this decision since this baby belongs to him just as much as it does to you. What I mean is that giving up your child for adoption without his consent wouldn't be right. If you absolutely do not want to raise this baby then maybe you should sign over your parental rights to your bf. Let him raise the baby.

Is your bf in school or is he working? If he's not working right now is he willing to go ahead and get a job?

I was a single mom for several years. Dh and I unexpectedly got preggers just after we were married. We were in college and neither of us had a job. Unfortunately, my hubby decided that he didn't want the responsibility of a wife and child so he divorced me. So at the age of 20 I was a single mom. I was able to go back to school by taking out loans and applying for a grant. I didn't have a job (well, just delivering papers for hardly any $) and lived with my parents. But we made it work. At one point I had to move out on my own and work a full time job as a receptionist (not great $$) and I was able to go to school at nights while my xh or my mom watched my son. So you see, it IS possible to go to school even if you're a parent. Lots of people do it. You may have a harder time or it may take a little longer but it IS possible. If I can do it anybody can do it. [;)] And it doesn't sound like you'd be doing it alone. You have the option of marrying your bf or at least having him to help provide $$ and with physical care of the child. It really is wonderful that he wants to be an active part of this baby's life. It's not like you're pregnant with no one to help you out.

But, if you absolutely do not want to raise your baby then maybe you should let bf raise him/her. I think that adoption can be a great thing but if the father isn't in agreement then it's not an option (at least not a good one). But there are some repercussions to adoption. You hope that you're giving your baby to good parents but you really can't be 100% certain about what goes on behind the closed doors of their home. I think you'd always wonder how that child turns out, how good the adoptive parents really were to him etc. You won't ever forget your child and I think a part of you will always long for him/her. Giving a child up is (I imagine and have heard from others) a really, really hard thing to do. There are times where it is the best choice (i.e. neither parent can provide food, shelter, loving and safe environment).

I think that talking to a trained professional Christian counselor is a great idea.

Most importantly of all, pray about this decision.

My oldest son was not a planned pregnancy. I was depressed the whole time (not because of the baby himself). I was too young and not ready to be a mom. I was also just beginning my college career. But having that child was one of the greatest blessings of my life. God, in His infinite wisdom, gave me a gift I didn't even know I needed/wanted.

ETA:
quote:

Plus if were to drop out of college with a married status I would suddenly be owing a lot of money.


It shouldn't be all of a sudden. You should have 6-12 months after dropping out or graduating until payments are due. And after that period is up you can contact your lender and ask about deferring the payments. Most lenders will alow 2-3 years of deferrment.



shadowspring -> RE: to keep or not to keep that is the question (4/7/2008 9:49:40 AM)

What a loving and amazing life story you have to share, Hislittleone! Your life is a city on a hill, giving light to all who see you. [:D] God does provide for those who put him first!

I hope the OP can learn to trust in God to provide for her, and stop fretting over how she is going to be able to do it on her own. But that is a lot to hope for if her heart was not already set in that direction before getting pregnant.

If it really is just too much for her, then it would be in her best interest to sign over her parental right to the father.

She absolutely will not be able to put up a child for adoption if the father wants to retain custody. It's illegal, and if she found a way around it temporarily (lying about knowing the identity of the father on the birth certificate), then it will cause only more grief and hardship for all involved when the lie is discovered, as it surely would be.

If she does not want to surrender her parental rights to the father, she may be liable for child support.

Since money seems to be her biggest fear, the cheapest and most righteous way out of this (short of trusting the Lord to provide her with everything she needs to do his will, which still remains the BEST choice!) would be to surrender her parental rights to the father of the child.

There are many things more precious than money, and to be poor and yet full of happiness is FAR better than to be rich as far as money goes yet alone and preoccupied with anxieties.

After all, anxiety about the future is conquered by faith in God, not by a college degree.

Plenty of successful people, people of great wealth and accomplishment as far this world's system goes, struggle with negative thinking, fear and anxiety. As a pharmacist, a lot of the prescriptions she fills will be for just such people.[&:]



delete123 -> RE: to keep or not to keep that is the question (4/7/2008 12:08:10 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: starlight87123

quote:

Why can't you get married, raise your love child, and still finish college? Is that impossible? Who says so?


I don't think that is possible!!!

Marriage will change my financial status at college. I'll no longer be a dependent and I don't know how I will pay all that money I will suddenly be responsible for...a minimum wage job won't cut it at all and if im lucky that is all i will be able to get. Plus if were to drop out of college with a married status I would suddenly be owing a lot of money. College is very expensive.

Marriage will just complicate things. I've been told that marriage isn't all roses and that it's actually a lot of work; a large balancing act between chores, finances, ex. I'd be stupid to think that marriage will make everything wonderful...Plus I'm too young to even be thinking about marriage.

Raising a child...that is a full time job in itself and I would never have time for anything else. Lack of sleep and all...no way I would be able to study and raise a baby. Marriage, baby and college at the same time? No. Maybe marriage and college could possibly work, but marriage, college and newborn baby don't mix.

quote:

You are so blessed. The father of your child loves you and you love him. You both want to marry. That is awesome. He wants to parent his child, not throw money at you and let you handle the childcare. That is awesome. You are amazingly, abundantly BLESSED!!


He's making things so difficult. He won't consider adoption at all. He's so excited about this baby and he doesn't care how expensive it will be. I wish at times that he was like a lot of the other guys out there who don't care what happens to their baby, because I can't put my baby up for adoption as long as he claims it...How that's going to affect our relationship I don't know.

quote:

Can you not make room in your heart for this child?


Of course I care about my child and I wish there was someway I could keep him. Realistically however, I think he would be better off with someone who has the financial resources to care for him. So I'd like to think that by putting him up for adoption I'm keeping his best interests in mind. At least I hope so. Plus there are couples out there who are infertile and who can't have kids who would love to have a child.


I believe you are wrong. With God *all* things are possible!
I was in your shoes 2 years ago. I asked God why now? I am quite a bit older than you and was looking forward to retireing soon.
I looked up and talked with others on abortion and then adoption.

But I really had to look inside and listen, really listen to God and what His plans for me were.
What it's not about me??!!! How dare me to think that! I don't want, it's not for me, but I didn't ask for it, how can it be!
If you stop and think about it: HOW SELFISH WE ARE!!!!

You haven't stop to think that maybe that you can get a deductible and more of a loan because you have a child. Why can't you take some of your classes on-line? Babies sleep a good portion and continue to take naps throughout their young lives.

I decided to keep my son and believe me didn't think it was right. But I would not change 1 ounce of every moment I have with him ever. I would trade everything I have owned or would ever own.

Is that what you are afraid about, it stops being about you and what you want?
Any relationship takes work. You should know that because it's obvious why you are posting.
You reap what you sow, and if you sow goodness into this relationship and child you will reap tons of blessings from the Spirit.

I can not tell you what you should do, but I suggest taking your eyes off of self and your needs. It is no longer about you.
To be truthful it never was
Happy mom @47
CRH



moonbeam87 -> RE: to keep or not to keep that is the question (4/7/2008 1:14:42 PM)

quote:

This may be a hard question. Is dealing with college and family the problem, or is the main problem that you want to hide the fact that you got pregnant? Are you able to tell your parents and church or are you trying to stay out of sight till the baby is gone?


The main problem is money and college. They say babies are really expensive and I'm not sure I have the money! And the other problem is guilt and shame. I feel like a slut.

quote:

But I really had to look inside and listen, really listen to God and what His plans for me were.
What it's not about me??!!! How dare me to think that! I don't want, it's not for me, but I didn't ask for it, how can it be!
If you stop and think about it: HOW SELFISH WE ARE!!!!


yeah in a way I probably am selfish. I don't want things to change.

The pregnancy is no secret. Both his family and mine are aware (we told them) and yes I'm starting to show a baby bump so its getting to be quite obvious that either 1. i'm pregnant or 2. I've gone on a massive binge of donuts and cookies in my spare time. I thought our families would be really disappointed (they were only a little and that was at first but now they're excited about the "grandbaby!" and wondering when the wedding will be) but they really weren't surprised or anything. Like I said, my bf and I grew up together and his family and mine have known eachother for years. Not only are me and my bf close, but our famillies are too. They were always joking amongst themselves that one day we would end up together and get married.

As for the church i don't think they know unless my parents mentioned anything, but even then it's nothing to be proud of because we're not married and my baby is an illegitimate.

quote:


Is your bf in school or is he working? If he's not working right now is he willing to go ahead and get a job?


My bf is in the pharmacy program too, but he's a year ahead of me b/c he took a lot of AP courses in highschool. lol. So he will be done next year. On top of that he works part time at a pharmacy and some times he coaches.

He hopes that we can get married within a couple months, and both raise our child together.



zoebob -> RE: to keep or not to keep that is the question (4/7/2008 1:49:10 PM)

Actually babies don't have to be really expensive when they are babies. They don't need lots of fancy clothes and furniture. For the first year especially you can probably get all the clothes they need from hand me downs and thrift shops. You don't even NEED a bed for them. You could get a pack and play fairly inexpensively or as a shower gift. THe only thing you need that is somewhat expensive is a car seat. Even that you can get fairly inexpensively. If the grandparents are excited about this they can maybe even provide this. For the first year all they NEED food-wise is mom. If for some reason you cannot nurse you will probably qualify for WIC and get enough formula from them.



delete123 -> RE: to keep or not to keep that is the question (4/7/2008 2:08:25 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: starlight87123
The main problem is money and college. They say babies are really expensive and I'm not sure I have the money! And the other problem is guilt and shame. I feel like a slut.


Boy feelings don't always tell the truth and you must really think aweful things of me. I did not marry my baby's father. He is in his son's life but I do not have any legal ties to him. He also wants to marry me.

I agree with Zoebob, babies are not expensive unless you become one of those mom's. I know a young girl if it is not *new* then she doesn't want it.
Well God has blessed me and my child has abundance, eventhough not all of it was new.
I always prepare, during the summer I buy clearance winter items for his next step. He is two, but I bought new sweats at $2.00 in size 3T. Like I already has his summer wardrobe, because I bought most of it on clearance during the change. What they were selling for $8.00 I bought for $2-3.
Your church will help them if you allow them to. Mine gave me formula, baby food, diapers, and still today they give him toys, not to mention his grandparents on both sides who spoil him rotten.
I have most of Jacob's clothes from 12 mos til present. If you want them I will gladly send them to you, to help you. They are just taking up closet space.
I recently applied for an on line college and did you know between grants and school loans it is covered 100% nothing out of pocket? One bank even offered me a student c.c.!
I had to turn it down, because someone stole my identity, so am working on clearing that up.
But all I am saying is you can and you have to stop thinking that you don't want change.
You will not go far in life with that thought. Life changes Daily! The only one who doesn't change is GOD.
He is the same yesterday, today and forever.
He has presented you with a Gift, embrace the gift!
Blessings to you
CRH



Hislittleone -> RE: to keep or not to keep that is the question (4/7/2008 4:08:28 PM)

Shadowspring:
quote:

What a loving and amazing life story you have to share, Hislittleone! Your life is a city on a hill, giving light to all who see you. God does provide for those who put him first!


Thank you! That is my prayer (referring to bolded text). [:)] Our God is so good. He has even provided for me during the times that I wasn't faithful and putting Him first. He never gave up on me. Praise the Lord!

Starlight:
quote:

The main problem is money and college. They say babies are really expensive and I'm not sure I have the money! And the other problem is guilt and shame. I feel like a slut.


Money and college are problems that can be solved. Babies aren't really that expensive (especially if you breastfeed). I was on WIC during my first pregnancy. We didn't have much money at all but we did okay. And as the years have passed our financial status has greatly improved (not wealthy by any means but God has definitely blessed us). What you want as far as a career goes may change over the next several years. I always wanted to study psychology and become a counselor. But I realized over time that what I really want to do is be a stay at home mom/wife. If someone had told me that before I had my baby I wouldn't have believed it.

As far as
quote:

I feel like a slut.
that goes.......
We have all sinned and fallen short. By your standards I would be an adulteress, murderer, fornicator, liar, idolater....etc. But by God's standards I am clean, a daughter of God, forgiven, loved, promised eternal life..... Try to see yourself through God's eyes. Read the Bible.....what does it tell you about God's love? When the Pharisees brought the adulteress to Jesus for stoning how did He react? Did he call her a slut? Did He talk down to her? No. He told the Pharisees "Let the one without sin cast the first stone" (paraphrased). Then Jesus told her to go and sin no more. He did not condemn her, He just told her to stop sinning. If God can forgive and love me, He can surely love and forgive you. If God can shower blessings on such a sinner as me.....if He can restore such a broken life....then I know He can restore and bless you.

I do want to say that I understand how you feel. I know it's hard. Even though I was married when I got pregnant, I felt shame when going to church during/after our divorce. I was afraid people would think I was an unwed teen mom (I looked much younger than I actually was). I was ashamed to not have a husband by my side. But that shame did not belong on my shoulders. Just as this shame no longer belongs on your shoulders. Christ bore the shame for us. Satan tries to get believers down by reminding us of our past sins and telling us that we are still guilty when if fact we are not. We are forgiven. PTL!!!



preserved -> RE: to keep or not to keep that is the question (4/7/2008 7:56:21 PM)

I am particulary concern with the issue of adoption and the parents take on the whole issue. I take it that the parents know nothing of the adoption issue. Also the father has just as much rights as you do in regards to the adoption. Perhaps you give him sole parental rights and his parents can help raise the child...or yours for that matter.

The reasoning of the adoption is not making any sense because you've indicated that you still want to be with the father...So you give up your child and then still remain with the father...Do not think your boyfriend is going to go for that because it really makes no sense...This is why God's Word say...it is better to marry than to burn....

You are not a slut...you just did not take precautions since you fell weak..Hope that this is a wakeup call...



Yalonda2004 -> RE: to keep or not to keep that is the question (4/7/2008 8:16:46 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: starlight87123

quote:

This may be a hard question. Is dealing with college and family the problem, or is the main problem that you want to hide the fact that you got pregnant? Are you able to tell your parents and church or are you trying to stay out of sight till the baby is gone?


The main problem is money and college. They say babies are really expensive and I'm not sure I have the money! And the other problem is guilt and shame. I feel like a slut.

quote:

But I really had to look inside and listen, really listen to God and what His plans for me were.
What it's not about me??!!! How dare me to think that! I don't want, it's not for me, but I didn't ask for it, how can it be!
If you stop and think about it: HOW SELFISH WE ARE!!!!


yeah in a way I probably am selfish. I don't want things to change.

The pregnancy is no secret. Both his family and mine are aware (we told them) and yes I'm starting to show a baby bump so its getting to be quite obvious that either 1. i'm pregnant or 2. I've gone on a massive binge of donuts and cookies in my spare time. I thought our families would be really disappointed (they were only a little and that was at first but now they're excited about the "grandbaby!" and wondering when the wedding will be) but they really weren't surprised or anything. Like I said, my bf and I grew up together and his family and mine have known eachother for years. Not only are me and my bf close, but our famillies are too. They were always joking amongst themselves that one day we would end up together and get married.

As for the church i don't think they know unless my parents mentioned anything, but even then it's nothing to be proud of because we're not married and my baby is an illegitimate.

quote:


Is your bf in school or is he working? If he's not working right now is he willing to go ahead and get a job?


My bf is in the pharmacy program too, but he's a year ahead of me b/c he took a lot of AP courses in highschool. lol. So he will be done next year. On top of that he works part time at a pharmacy and some times he coaches.

He hopes that we can get married within a couple months, and both raise our child together.




Starlight87123- you have to realize that God will NOT put more on you that you can't bare. everything in life happens for a reason. Don't beat yourself down. we all fall short. We are not perfect. We are striving (as christians) to be more and more like Jesus. The bible says in Proverbs 3:5-6 that God will direct your steps. He won't just leave you. He said I will never leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5). God is with you He is NOT against you. and He will gie you wisdom (1 Corithians 1:30) Pray my sister in Christ. Don't give up! Thats what the devil want you to do and remember that Children are a blessing. They are a gift from GOD. Alot of females out in this world not concieve or even carry a baby. See yourself blessed mam and strive to think positive. With much love God Bless YOU![sm=icon_smile_fish.gif]



jaimestarcross -> RE: to keep or not to keep that is the question (4/7/2008 9:59:27 PM)

How do your parents (yours and his) feel about you being pregnant?
You don't mention your parents or your church family in all this.
Gather everyone together and pray about this situation as soon as possible.

Something to consider:
Do you really think you will be able to keep yourself focused on school work after giving up your child for adoption (IF you and the boyfriend agree on the matter.)
I can't think of any young girl who's given up a child for adoption and went back into their regular life as though nothing had happened. I've seen them struggle with a vast amount of emotions, not to mention the first time they hear a baby cry - they just lose control of their emotions! Some go into depression. Don't kid yourself, giving up a child will be a very emotional experience not just at the time you hand over the child but all those days, months and years that follow.
*Regardless of your decision you still need the love and support of family and a strong devotion to the Lord.



moonbeam87 -> RE: to keep or not to keep that is the question (4/7/2008 10:28:12 PM)

quote:

Actually babies don't have to be really expensive when they are babies. They don't need lots of fancy clothes and furniture. For the first year especially you can probably get all the clothes they need from hand me downs and thrift shops. You don't even NEED a bed for them. You could get a pack and play fairly inexpensively or as a shower gift. THe only thing you need that is somewhat expensive is a car seat. Even that you can get fairly inexpensively. If the grandparents are excited about this they can maybe even provide this. For the first year all they NEED food-wise is mom. If for some reason you cannot nurse you will probably qualify for WIC and get enough formula from them.


Wow that's a happy surprise :). I wasn't aware that the first year didn't have to be really expensive. Is that really true? The way some people talk I would never know. I'll take what you said into consideration.

quote:

Boy feelings don't always tell the truth and you must really think aweful things of me. I did not marry my baby's father. He is in his son's life but I do not have any legal ties to him. He also wants to marry me.


I don't think awful things of you. I tend to judge myself harder than others. Just because I think I'm a slut doesn't mean I think that way about others. And It's hard for me not to feel bad when all my life I've been made to feel that next to murder having sex before marriage is the worst thing you could possibly do. Atleast the way it's talked about negatively all time you would think so. And if you get pregnant from premarital sex... that's even worse.

quote:

I am particulary concern with the issue of adoption and the parents take on the whole issue. I take it that the parents know nothing of the adoption issue


No I haven't mentioned it to my parents, I have just been considering it as an option. However, I don't believe my parents would be too happy if I put my baby up for adoption. I don't think they would have any legal say in the matter though, only my bf would

quote:

The reasoning of the adoption is not making any sense because you've indicated that you still want to be with the father...So you give up your child and then still remain with the father...Do not think your boyfriend is going to go for that because it really makes no sense


I know a woman can have an abortion even if her significant other is totally against it, so I didn't think the guy would have any say in the adoption matter either. But now I know he does which i wasn't aware of before. That's strange how that works. Now I know that as long as my bf wants the baby adoption isn't an option...so what does that leave me with? Well:

1. We can get married
2. We can break up and he can have custody?
3. We can not be married and share custody?
4. Idk? what would be the best thing to do...

I wanted an adoption because I don't want things to change for the worst. And to me keeping the baby represents negative change, because I would nolonger be able to finish my education and everything I worked so hard for...and my life would be ruined and I would be doomed to beg on the streets. Well maybe not literally but you get the picture. In a way I probably am selfish...

Plus with all the talk about babies being incredibly expensive and difficult to hande (it's intimidating)...It got me thinking he might be better of with someone who is better off financially. You guys got me thinking that maybe I can actually keep my son and it doesn't have to be the end of the world. Thank you everyone for your advice so far :)



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