Sincere advice/help needed (Full Version)

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anne_shirley -> Sincere advice/help needed (4/14/2008 3:25:25 PM)

Hello everyone! I am in a dilemma right now. I have a guy best friend, and we've been friends for almost six years now. Anyway, we're doing our graduate studies together in a university here in the West Coast. We used to be in the same office before we came here to do our graduate school. We met in a university in the East Coast (New York), and we've become friends since then.

To make a long story short, our relationship as friends has become very deep and close. We pray together, and we're together most of the times. People think we're a couple or even engaged. There was one time when he told me he liked me, and thought that he was falling in love with me. But he said he might not get married and that our relationship would not go beyond friendship. This was 3 years ago. He never had a GF. Mind you, he's a very decent, and nice fellow. The problem is we always end up together, either in the same company and now in the same university. I must admit that we did plan to do our grad studies here in UC berkeley together. We both got scholarships, though we're in a different program.

My problem is that it used to be okay that we just become friends. But right now this is no longer case. I am falling for him, and no matter how I try to kill the feeling, it never goes away. Because I know that he might never get married, I am really afraid what will happen to me if I stay here and study together with him. I have asked God for guidance and help.

One time I told him about my plan to short-cut my stay and just transfer to another university. I just reasoned out that I am having a hard time coping academically. This was a lie, because I am doing pretty well and getting good grades. He told me it wasn't good for me to think this way. Then I told him I am afraid that I might get unmarried if I stay in the same university with him, since we're always together. I also told him that I don't want to get too much attached to him, since it is not good since we're not a couple and he might find someone else. Well, I told him this a couple of times. A few times I told him about this, he held my hand. He said I shouldn't worry and just trust God. He said I shouldn't worry about other girls because there's no one. (He's an attractive man, BTW.) But he told me that if I am having a hard time emotionally, I should go and transfer to another school. He said it's my decision, and it is up to me what I think is best for me. He told me that of course it would be better if I finish my grad studies, but he then again told me that it is up to me. He also said that in God's time I will get married, and he held my hand again. Another time he said I should just trust God, and I will meet the right guy.

I am so confused. I don't know what to do. Sometimes, I know the he loves me. And there were a couple of times when I feel that he might be the one. But everytime I remember those times he told me he might never get married I feel paralyzed and trapped.

Please advise.

Anne SHirley



shadowspring -> RE: Sincere advice/help needed (4/14/2008 3:59:04 PM)

Can you not just ask him point blank if his intentions remain the same as they did so long ago? He may not realize how serious you are taking it to heart, or how deep your feelings for him really are.

I don't see any way out of this without clear communication.

If he is still not sure he even wants to ever get married, I would move on and quickly!

Either way it is the right thing for you to do for yourself: so you can meet someone else, or perhaps so he will realize that it's now or never for a future with you, and stop being so wishy-washy.



Dakotasunbeam -> RE: Sincere advice/help needed (4/14/2008 4:11:39 PM)

You should tell him how you feel and ask him if he shares that sentiment. From his comments, it seems he most assuredly does not. 6 years is a long time to pine away for a guy. If he really had intentions of Marrying you, I think he would have made that clear about 4-5 years ago. Right now, you're just hoping. And it's okay to hope. But, realize he may NEVER change and decide he wants to marry you.

You've got to make some rational decisions of your own, using the facts at hand, and not what you want it to be. It may be a hard pill to swallow, but it may spare you another 6 years waiting for a man, that for all intents and purposes may be a self-made eunuch. You're waisting good years on this. I assure you there are other godly guys out there that will totally blow you away! You just have to be sure not to get tunnel vision on someone that does not share your feelings. How can two walk together, accept they agree? If he's thinking single-for-life, and you're thinking marriage, how can this work?

Find out if his thoughts and plans are in agreement with yours. If they are, move forward together in agreement. If they are not in agreement with yours, find someone who is, and make him a cool godly friend or acquaintance. Don't try to read into anything, just ask him point blank.

6 years is a long time . . .



jaimestarcross -> RE: Sincere advice/help needed (4/14/2008 4:29:51 PM)

quote:

I am so confused. I don't know what to do. Sometimes, I know the he loves me. And there were a couple of times when I feel that he might be the one. But everytime I remember those times he told me he might never get married I feel paralyzed and trapped.


*You're in an emotional prison and you need to get free from him since he's unsure of even wanting to get married. Emotional attachments get harder and harder the longer you are around the person you like.
Besides, you need other friends to hang out with - so you aren't with him so much... having you as a friend(since you two have known each other for several years) is like having a girlfriend for him but he's not having to make any kind of commitment to you - this isn't healthy for "a friend" - and then to reveal something of a "liking" and then flip flop back and forth isn't a very mature thing to do. Set up boundaries with this friend.
Incorporate others (guys and girls) into a circle of friends (do group studies with a mix of people at college.) It takes a little work on your part but it'll pay off.



NoDumbBlonde -> RE: Sincere advice/help needed (4/14/2008 4:49:32 PM)

What stands out to me is that you consider him your best friend. You also said he has commented that he may not get married. Is there some reason why he is considering not ever marrying?

Since you consider this guy your best friend my suggestion to talk to him as the Spirit leads. Open and honest communication is key to having a great relationship. If you want this to see this friendship blossom into something deeper, honesty is a great start. If he cares for you as much as you do him then tell him. If he thinks of you differently then you've not lost a friend but cleared up some miscommunication.

I wish you both well!



tiffywal -> RE: Sincere advice/help needed (4/14/2008 7:05:03 PM)

Let me tell you my story and why I am telling it to you. My husband and I met when we were 14 years old and remained friends. After being friends for about 6 years or so, we talked about maybe giving a romantic relationship a try, but he was weary of a romantic relationship fearing that it may ruin our friendship. However, I told him how I felt about him. About how my feelings for him were deep and had been for quite sometime. We went to the movies on night as friends and he tells me that something sparked in him and he gave in to his feelings.

My point is talk with him. Wondering about what he feels or might feel will only serve to drive you insane. If yall are as close as you say yall are then he will listening. Maybe he feels the same way or maybe not but at least it is out on the table. If the feelings aren't mutual then you'll know what you need to do. Be blessed.



stimulus -> RE: Sincere advice/help needed (4/14/2008 11:29:24 PM)

I'll chime in my two cents with everyone else: tell him. [;)]

I know it's easier said than done, but you two have talked at length about your relationship with each other, so I think you can figure out a way to have one more conversation. Tell him that, in the past, you were okay just being friends, but that has changed. Ask him if he's open to taking your relationship in a new direction. If he's not, I agree that you're going to need some distance in the relationship for a while, but I hope you don't transfer schools. As much as you care for him, I think you've got to do it - and besides, he already KNOWS how you feel, so you're not exactly risking much by telling him again and asking for a response.

Revisit the issue too about why he said he might not marry. Truth be told, I've said that. Marriage was not something I desired, and I pretty much never dated because I was not just interested. For me, a lot of it had to do with wanting to be a missionary. I've never met anyone with a similar desire that I clicked with, and given that I didn't have a desire to get married, I would occasionally tell people that I might not. If he used the words "might not", he was also implying that he might get married - he just wasn't sure then. Just the fact that someone considered single-for-life doesn't mean they aren't open to marriage should the right person come along.

Despite having felt that way for so many years, I too have recently fallen for a good friend whom I've known for about the same length of time. He doesn't want to be a missionary, but as I've come to better understand my own call, I don't see that as a deal-breaker any more. We don't see each other as often as you and your friend do, but we serve together in our church and work next door to each other, in ministries that are part of the same organization. I know he wants to marry, but he's never indicated any interest in me. It's tough at times, hoping something will develop, but never seeing it. People tell me I should put some distance between us, and I try, but between church, church activities, and work, how much distance can you get? So I understand, at least in part, how you feel.

All I can tell you is that, if my friend had told me 3 years ago that he liked me and might be falling in love with me... and i felt the way I do now and I think you do... I would ask him if he was open to taking the relationship in a new direction.



lil_gringa -> RE: Sincere advice/help needed (4/14/2008 11:50:56 PM)

2 things that come to my mind:

1. If you were to be out of his life it may be what puts him over the edge to propose.
2. I think I'd ask him if he's changed his mind about marriage. Have you ever asked him why he doesn't want to get married?

I had two guy friends in high school that were the bachelor's to the rapture. It didn't last long for one of them; we married on the same day to other people, the other is still single although I think he'd marry if he could find someone.

I admire your strength and loyalty. I sure can understand your concerns.

please tell us what happens!!! It's a love story in the making!



deermousie -> RE: Sincere advice/help needed (4/15/2008 12:27:09 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: anne_shirley

He also said that in God's time I will get married, and he held my hand again. Another time he said I should just trust God, and I will meet the right guy.


I think this may be your answer, Anne - he expects you to marry someone else.

If you hope to marry some day, then I would move away from this guy; either by changing schools or breaking off your friendship with him. Maybe this is too drastic, but after all these years if he wanted to marry you he would have probably told you. Since he's willing to see you leave, then I'd do it. It will be hard. I'm sorry.



buckifn -> RE: Sincere advice/help needed (4/15/2008 5:28:10 AM)

When a man truly loves a woman there is nothing he will allow to keep them apart. If in 6 years time he has not once made a move to make sure you and him have a committed relationship he is not interested. Accept that joyfully and move on because you will not be living the rest of your life with a man who feels anything less than you are the most important person in this world to him other than God.

I have always told my daughters to never settle for a guy who offers them any less than that.



preserved -> RE: Sincere advice/help needed (4/15/2008 1:31:39 PM)

deermousie and buckfin made some valid comments...I have to agree..

Other posters indicated talking with him...From what I've just read..there is nothing else that needs to be said...He views you and loves you as a best friend...nothing else...He is not confused...He is not desiring marriage. He indicates trust God and you will meet the right guy...He is telling you to do what is in your best interest.. He's told you that there is no other female...(what about a male) that thought crossed my mind in reading your post.

You are feeling paralyzed because you think that he is the one for you...He has provided you with the answers..but you are seeking something else...It is probably in your best interest if you change schools if you cannot separate his friendship and being something that he is not interested in. You need to starting meeting and hanging with others to help you detach your feelings and remaining as best friends...Some best friends are like sisters and brothers...and perhaps that is how he views you



anne_shirley -> RE: Sincere advice/help needed (4/15/2008 3:38:24 PM)

Deleted



preserved -> RE: Sincere advice/help needed (4/15/2008 4:41:28 PM)

His condition...could very well be the reason why he is not interest in marrying..I would definately not tell him you know of this information..It's a private issue and personal...The best thing you can do is pray...I am not going to comment on his condition because it's a personel issue that should not be discussed with others...This is something God will have to help him overcome...



deermousie -> RE: Sincere advice/help needed (4/15/2008 5:19:32 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: preserved

there is nothing else that needs to be said...He views you and loves you as a best friend...nothing else...He is not confused...He is not desiring marriage. He indicates trust God and you will meet the right guy...He is telling you to do what is in your best interest.. He's told you that there is no other female...(what about a male) that thought crossed my mind in reading your post.

You are feeling paralyzed because you think that he is the one for you...He has provided you with the answers..but you are seeking something else...


I agree with Preserved. There's nothing else to say; he's already told you. I'm sorry.

A problem I have had as a woman, and it seems many of us have it, is we build a fantasy of what could happen, and then hang on to that fantasy when the conditions that would have allowed it to happen never come about. In fact, the conditions guaranteeing it will never happen appear and we just won't believe it. God says we're to tell the truth in our hearts, and it's hard because we want so bad something that isn't happening. "Maybe if I wait a little longer." "Maybe if I hint." "Maybe if I..."

There are things that we can't make happen, and a person falling in love and wanting to spend the rest of their lives sacrificing themselves for a loved one is one of them.

There could be a guy watching you and waiting for you to become available for him. Or not. God knows, and His plans are good. If you want to marry, then I think you'll want to move on from your security blanket.



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