A question for all African American and Asian Americans. (Full Version)

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StephenJ -> A question for all African American and Asian Americans. (4/18/2008 12:15:00 AM)

Okay this post isn't meant to incite any kind of racialy insensative language. Just my curiosity.

So I've read and heard stories recently about how upset some black women and some Asian men get upset when a member of their ethnicity, of the opposite sex, dates outside of their ethnicity.

Is this true? Up until recently I wasn't aware of this phenomenon.

I'd love to get some feedback on this.



jaimestarcross -> RE: A question for all African American and Asian Americans. (4/18/2008 12:55:13 AM)

Some people(of various races) do have a problem with interracial dating/marriages.... I've encountered that in many parts of the world where I've traveled with my husband who's white and I'm black.



Godsone -> RE: A question for all African American and Asian Americans. (4/18/2008 4:21:53 PM)

I am an African American female and I think interracial relationships are beautiful [:)]



NoShow -> RE: A question for all African American and Asian Americans. (4/18/2008 4:41:03 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: jaimestarcross

Some people(of various races) do have a problem with interracial dating/marriages.... I've encountered that in many parts of the world where I've traveled with my husband who's white and I'm black.


You, though qualified (if you consider yourself African American), didn't really answer the OP's question. The question to you was, as a black woman, does black men dating non-black women, upset you?

As an Asian American male, I can say that Asian women dating non-Asian men, does not upset me personally.

But I can say that I do know some Asian American men find Asian women dating non-Asian men upsetting; however, I know about the same number of Asian American women that get upset about Asian men dating non-Asian women.



tiffywal -> RE: A question for all African American and Asian Americans. (4/18/2008 5:23:56 PM)

I does not upset me at all as an Afro-American woman. I know some people get upset and can not stand it. I say your heart loves who it loves. We are all God's children.



Above_All -> RE: A question for all African American and Asian Americans. (4/18/2008 8:40:09 PM)

I'm an Asian woman and from a State where almost everyone is mixed. However, I do know that many Asian families want their children to marry in the same race. It's a rather conservative and traditional thinking and even though it still exists today, it is slowly changing. Those families who are still very traditional often have many conflicts with their children but ultimately realize that if you are going to live in outside of your country of origin, it's inevitable.



Miss Giggles -> RE: A question for all African American and Asian Americans. (4/18/2008 8:43:24 PM)

Yes its true but it is not just limited to asians and african americans. It is pretty much any close knit ethnic/cultural group, esp those that have immigrated to the us. Usually it's the first generation that holds tightly to their ethnic group and the descending generations start to branch out.



PeaceFull -> RE: A question for all African American and Asian Americans. (4/18/2008 11:07:03 PM)

As an African American woman, it doesn't bother me if African American men, Asian men or whoever date outside of their race. I personally don't date base on race and think there are more important factors to consider when looking at potential dates.

I think many people who get upset about interracial dating are discouraged by their own situations. When an African American woman hears statistics that she is one of the least likely groups to marry, feels like no one is interested in her, looks around and sees potential mates dating anyone but women who look like her, she can get a little bitter. I'm not saying this is the case, but many times it is all about perception.



jaimestarcross -> RE: A question for all African American and Asian Americans. (4/19/2008 1:35:09 AM)

NoShow:

I don't have a problem with people who do interracial dating or marriages or with black men dating or marrying outside their race.

Like I said in the other post - I know a lot of people who do have a problem with people of dating and marrying outside their race.



gaylel1 -> RE: A question for all African American and Asian Americans. (4/19/2008 2:47:20 AM)

Personally, this thread should not be on a Christian web site because there are threads like this one which would bring explosive feelings and will pit race against race here and vice versa. I just hope it does not happen on this thread, or the mods will shut this down as other threads dealing with this issue.

Secondly, as a Christian, this should be a "non issue"as far as race go, but unfortunatly, the enemy or christians who are used by the enemy, who is Satan, will have feelings of indifference because of one race dating another race and some people here think that interracial dating is a sin against God, which is not the case at all because we, all of us are made by our creator. Even if we are all different, God loves all and the only requirement should be the heart and the charater of the person, not skin color, which it should not be the first thing at all.

And btw, the only requirement that the person should be "equally yoked"and not because of a person's skin tone.



This discussion is just plain silly and no wonder the world always is looking down on us, not only in this issue, but race relations as well.

**Off my soapbox now***



StephenJ -> RE: A question for all African American and Asian Americans. (4/19/2008 6:16:35 AM)

Sorry if I offended anyone by asking, this was in no way meant to incite a racially inflamatory discussion, it's just something that I've recently become aware of that I didn't realize was a big issue with some people. I wanted some insight, and a civil conversation. I have no doubt I can get that here.



jlp1 -> RE: A question for all African American and Asian Americans. (4/19/2008 9:36:37 AM)

I love it, it's a beautiful thing.



deermousie -> RE: A question for all African American and Asian Americans. (4/19/2008 11:00:58 AM)

I'm afraid I must respectfully disagree with my dear sister in the Lord on this. With your permission, Gaylel, I'd like to explain why.

As Christians, we serve the God who is true and is Truth. He is in the process of renewing our minds and causing our inner man to be renewed day by day. He says the truth will set us free. Ideally, we should be able to discuss anything, with decency and tact.

The political correctness police say we can't talk about some things, and frankly I think we've been lied to in regards to that. It brings up the spectre of social engineering, which is to benefit a group at the expense of everyone but the engineers.

Yes, there are people who will throw in the race card for their own benefit (and any group has people capable of doing this, so I'm not pointing at anyone), and no one here has done this. It's been a non-hysterical, non-emotional discussion so far, like the reasonable adults we all are, and sane teenagers, too, I'm guessing. If anyone starts pointing and accusing, then I will exercise my delete button, but sadly.

Because there are more than one racial groups in the US, there are going to be people who fall in love that aren't the same color. Gaylel made the correct observation that being unequally yoked (I almost wrote yolked) is a spiritual, not skin tone, criteria. There are cultural considerations to deal with, just as if a white American married a white European, and these can make real problems for people living together in marriage. But life always has problems, and when God calls people together in marriage, we deal with it.

In my own family of origin, my grandparents on one side were born in Italy. None of my aunts and uncles were Italian, so every one was a "mixed" marriage. I am married into a family that looks like the UN - Asians, Pacific Islanders, Whites and Hispanics. I have told my daughter that she should marry the man whom God indicates is for her, and that color is not a barrier. True, a mixed race marriage will add to it's problems, but God has planned how He will sanctify us in our problems.

So, to answer the original question, yes, there were some hard feelings from my grandparents about their non-Italian son- and daughters-in-law, but I think most of the problems came from an emotionally cold family of origin and not just because it was racially mixed. My husband's cousins, on the other hand, are warm and at least marginally Christian, and you couldn't find a nicer family of people to live with. Our family reunions are a blast.

And in a dangerous situation, I want my Samoan cousin at my back!



gaylel1 -> RE: A question for all African American and Asian Americans. (4/19/2008 11:57:58 AM)

quote:

Yes, there are people who will throw in the race card for their own benefit (and any group has people capable of doing this, so I'm not pointing at anyone), and no one here has done this. It's been a non-hysterical, non-emotional discussion so far, like the reasonable adults we all are, and sane teenagers, too, I'm guessing. If anyone starts pointing and accusing, then I will exercise my delete button, but sadly.


I'm speaking and you seen all the discussions on race on this web page which gets explosive and the moderators have to shut down some discussions because people tend to take things like this personally because--and yes, there is racism among the body and some of the discussions and some-not all people's thoughts proves that. As a result of that, the enemy uses that and thinks that all Christians who are against race mixing or race relations are like that, which is not the case. And there are Christians who say they love Jesus yet they do have racist thoughts against their brother and sister who's different.

Because there are more than one racial groups in the US, there are going to be people who fall in love that aren't the same color. Gaylel made the correct observation that being unequally yoked (I almost wrote yolked) is a spiritual, not skin tone, criteria. There are cultural considerations to deal with, just as if a white American married a white European, and these can make real problems for people living together in marriage. But life always has problems, and when God calls people together in marriage, we deal with it.

A lot of people do not know that Nicole C. Mullen, the Christian singer is married to a white man. She feels that it is not important about his color, because she picked this man out because he is a believer. Or someone who is like Israel Houghton, the praise and worship leader who is a mixed race child, but he also feel that it is not important. I know living in a world whether you are married or single and are married out of your race will bring problems--but what marriage will? all marriages will have their up and downs, even those who are in the same race have problems, but those godly marriages, whether they are mixed or non-mixed has God as their leader and their director and they do usually work out.

quote:

In my own family of origin, my grandparents on one side were born in Italy. None of my aunts and uncles were Italian, so every one was a "mixed" marriage. I am married into a family that looks like the UN - Asians, Pacific Islanders, Whites and Hispanics. I have told my daughter that she should marry the man whom God indicates is for her, and that color is not a barrier. True, a mixed race marriage will add to it's problems, but God has planned how He will sanctify us in our problems.

So, to answer the original question, yes, there were some hard feelings from my grandparents about their non-Italian son- and daughters-in-law, but I think most of the problems came from an emotionally cold family of origin and not just because it was racially mixed. My husband's cousins, on the other hand, are warm and at least marginally Christian, and you couldn't find a nicer family of people to live with. Our family reunions are a blast.

And in a dangerous situation, I want my Samoan cousin at my back!


I was married to someone--white. The man was italian, and yes, he was a Christian. At first, his family would not accept someone of another color into the family, but after a while, they did accept me and loved me until Jesus took him home several years ago.

Yes, I would do it again, however, it would be again with a believer and the person's family should not judge me because of my skin color, but someone who loves Jesus and would welcome me with open arms.



rgod -> RE: A question for all African American and Asian Americans. (4/19/2008 1:31:16 PM)

quote:

So I've read and heard stories recently about how upset some black women and some Asian men get upset when a member of their ethnicity, of the opposite sex, dates outside of their ethnicity.


I used to feel this way years ago before I was saved and when I was a baby Christian. But over time I grew and God really convicted me about prejudice. I came to see that love is not so much about color but about the individual people themselves. I think a lot of black women (I'm a black woman) feel like they don't have options -- at least that's how I felt. I also, at the time, resented it when black men would overlook black women to date white women. What was interesting though, is that often these same men would marry a black woman after dating white women for a few years. I didn't really understand that - and thought that perhaps it was societal pressure.

In terms of black women, I've heard a lot of black women say that they only want to date a black man. Sometimes they reject the other men who are interested in them. Many do not even realize that others find black women attractive. I remember the first time a white guy aggressively pursued me, I was so shocked - it took me a while to realize what he was doing. At that time, although the chemistry was definitely there, I didn't respond for various reasons - one of which, was that he was white. (The bigger issue was that he wasn't a believer.) It was a worldly mindset and I thank God that he changed my heart.

I think not recognizing that there are options and that we should not choose exclude potential mates simply because of color contributes to that feeling of scarcity and resentment that some black women feel when it comes to black men dating other women.

I've been thinking about this recently, and wonder if this "imbalance" of men and women could work as part of God's plan to bring unity to the body? The more people intermarry, the more people become accepting of it, and the less it becomes a "problem" or "issue." Just a thought. But in my observation, for American Christians the change in perception is a lot slower. I think this is due to the conservative nature (in terms of social issues) of many American Christians and the segregation that is prevalent in many many Christian churches. I don't have statistics on this, but I wouldn't be surprised to learn that most American Christians don't have meaningful, long term relationships with another Christian of another race. But, that is just my guess based on the way I've watched people interact with each other.

As soon as I came to understand truly who my potential mates were (single brothers in Christ) things changed for me. I am glad when any man finds love with a woman, regardless of skin color. I don't get approached a lot by black american christian men. This is primarily because there aren't a lot of them to begin with - so the numbers are not on my side :) I don't come into contact with a lot of black guys on a daily basis and I am definitely not the aggressive type, never have been. But when I do come into contact, I'll get looks, but the ones who tend to follow through are often of other races or black men from other places (not that I don't have some black american men who approach me also). My area is extremely diverse as well and there are lots of interracial couples here so it isn't taboo.

My main qualification for a man right now is that he be a believer. I'm cool with interracial relationships and although I am kind of new to dating, have met and dated some very nice white guys. Interestingly enough, a good friend of mine (black) was going out with asian guy. He loved her immediately - love at first sight - even when she told him that she wouldn't date him because he wasn't her type. Well, he persevered, they fell deeply in love, and today they are happily married with a baby on the way. It is so difficult to find a good mate - I'm glad for anyone who can find love. It is a precious thing. Race is a secondary issue.

rgod



saraimay75 -> RE: A question for all African American and Asian Americans. (4/20/2008 1:04:34 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: StephenJ

Okay this post isn't meant to incite any kind of racialy insensative language. Just my curiosity.

So I've read and heard stories recently about how upset some black women and some Asian men get upset when a member of their ethnicity, of the opposite sex, dates outside of their ethnicity.

Is this true? Up until recently I wasn't aware of this phenomenon.

I'd love to get some feedback on this.


Yes what you have read may be true for some. But it is not true for me. My father who is German, English, and Sctoch-Irish married out side his race when he married my mother who is Filipino and Spainsh. I live in Hawaii were many marry outside their race, ther even is a Hawaiian word fo it: Hapa. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hapa
In the Hawaiian language, hapa is strictly defined as: portion, fragment, part, fraction, installment; to be partial, less. It is a loan from the English word half. However, it has an extended meaning of "half-caste" or "of mixed descent". This is the only meaning of the term in Hawaiian Pidgin, the creole spoken by many Hawai'i residents.
Used without qualification, hapa is often taken to mean "part white", and is short hand for hapa haole. The term can be used in conjunction with other Hawaiian racial and ethnic descriptors to specify a particular racial or ethnic mixture. Examples of this include:
hapa haole (part Caucasian/white)
hapa kanaka (part Hawaiian)
hapa popolo (part African/black)
hapa kepani (part Japanese); the term hapanese is also encountered
hapa pilipino (part Filipino)
hapa pake (part Chinese)
hapa kolea (part Korean)
hapa kamoa (part Samoan)
hapa sepania (part Spanish)
hapa pukiki (part Portuguese)



dinomax55 -> RE: A question for all African American and Asian Americans. (4/20/2008 7:44:56 AM)

It's unfortunate, but I run into family grief when I bring home someone from another ethnic group.. I remember I brought an Asian friend of mine (we weren't even dating!) to a family picnic.. It brought a lot of stares and snide comments (Why did you bring her?).. It was really disappointing. I have certainly seen black women get downright hostile when they see a black man with a white woman..
As for me, race isn't a deal-breaker. I've been blessed enough to have dated women of various backgrounds, so I've developed an appreciation for different cultures. But for some who are stuck in their ways, I'm seen as a sellout. It's disappointing.



preserved -> RE: A question for all African American and Asian Americans. (4/21/2008 12:08:20 PM)

As an African American myself...I have no problem with those who dates outside of their ethnic race...However, the African Americans are still not accepted in so many ways by certain races...and are still being reminded today...I do not feel that I have to go outside of my race to be accepted. As being a Christian...we are all created equal...no one above the other...In God's eyes...although we are of many colors...but the same blood runs thru our veins...I have friends of other races...but I would not date nor marry outside of my race...

I think the OP is trying to ge a broader understanding...This is not a debate issue or to slander anyone...Remember each of us has an opinion so in that manner it we need to learn to accept it



Luv4self -> RE: A question for all African American and Asian Americans. (4/22/2008 1:11:05 AM)

Let me first start off by saying I am an African American woman. I am going to be honest in my response. I don't like any person who will or will not date someone for a specific reason. I can only speak from my experience, but I do not like it when I hear black men say they "have to get themself a white girl" because they are.....or white women say they "can't wait to date a black man" because....Overall, I don't have a problem with anyone being with anyone as long as their intentions are pure and not because they are trying to see if a stereotype is true or for a particular reason.

It is my experience that some African Americans do not like to see black men with white women because of the history of black men and white women. It wasn't too long ago that black men were beaten and/or killed for looking, dating or talking to a white woman. For some this fact results in some ill feelings and unfortunately it is not something that you just put in the past or get over.



preserved -> RE: A question for all African American and Asian Americans. (4/22/2008 3:08:13 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Luv4self

Let me first start off by saying I am an African American woman. I am going to be honest in my response. I don't like any person who will or will not date someone for a specific reason. I can only speak from my experience, but I do not like it when I hear black men say they "have to get themself a white girl" because they are.....or white women say they "can't wait to date a black man" because....Overall, I don't have a problem with anyone being with anyone as long as their intentions are pure and not because they are trying to see if a stereotype is true or for a particular reason.

It is my experience that some African Americans do not like to see black men with white women because of the history of black men and white women. It wasn't too long ago that black men were beaten and/or killed for looking, dating or talking to a white woman. For some this fact results in some ill feelings and unfortunately it is not something that you just put in the past or get over.


Exactly...The main reason as to why I do not date out of my race...too many hurt feeling of what my ancestors had to go thru...and we a different generation today still go thru..It's like healing a wound but you never forget how you got hurt



NoDumbBlonde -> RE: A question for all African American and Asian Americans. (4/22/2008 3:32:15 PM)

I think these prejudices or preferences cross all racial boundaries not just Asian/African Americans.

Years ago a friend of mine (white) was dating a black man. She wanted me to meet a friend of his. During this meeting he asked me, a southern white woman if I had ever dated a black man. I responded very honestly, "no". He asked why. I explained that I just hadn't met anyone that I was interested in or had the qualities that I was looking for. I clarified that it wasn't about race but character. I honestly didn't know too many black men well enough to consider dating them. I did refuse to date him though. Not because of his race but his character. Not only was he not a Christian he was married and looking for something I was unwilling to give. Talk about Deal Breakers!

Some people may start out having issues with inter-racial dating/marriage and change their minds. My ex-husband, 2nd generation Italian American always said races never mix: never, never, never. Well, he ended up having an affair with a black woman he worked with and ended up leaving my dd and I for her. He later married her. When I asked him about his philosophy on interracial marriage he said, "he guessed he was over that now". Personally, I thought it was rather funny. I never had any issues with this woman being of another race but for deliberately and knowingly having an affair with a married man. You lose a lot of respect for someone who purposely pursues someone not available but then he pursued her too. I forgave them long ago, even before they married.

I have heard that some people really have a problem of people within their race date or marry outside. I don't know if its some kind of status with some or that they merely fell in love with a person that just happened to be of another race. I have always believed it to be a personal decision and very individual. I do think that some may discover some extra challenges as culture does tend to vary from race to race. Marriage is tough enough but love does conquer any cultural differences as long as you have determination to work on the relationship and a the same faith in Jesus Christ.
[:)]



gaylel1 -> RE: A question for all African American and Asian Americans. (4/23/2008 9:18:01 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Luv4self

Let me first start off by saying I am an African American woman. I am going to be honest in my response. I don't like any person who will or will not date someone for a specific reason. I can only speak from my experience, but I do not like it when I hear black men say they "have to get themself a white girl" because they are.....or white women say they "can't wait to date a black man" because....Overall, I don't have a problem with anyone being with anyone as long as their intentions are pure and not because they are trying to see if a stereotype is true or for a particular reason.

It is my experience that some African Americans do not like to see black men with white women because of the history of black men and white women. It wasn't too long ago that black men were beaten and/or killed for looking, dating or talking to a white woman. For some this fact results in some ill feelings and unfortunately it is not something that you just put in the past or get over.


And this is why we (as African Americans) cannot get over the past mistakes of the wrongs which were inflicted to us or others we know or we harbor those mistakes because we don't forgive. We all know racism exist, even in the body of Christ, and it is no secret. We all do it to each other, black, white, whatever.

But how can we be healed of the past when we don't forgive and forgive before God?




Luv4self -> RE: A question for all African American and Asian Americans. (4/24/2008 3:33:30 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: gaylel1

quote:

ORIGINAL: Luv4self

Let me first start off by saying I am an African American woman. I am going to be honest in my response. I don't like any person who will or will not date someone for a specific reason. I can only speak from my experience, but I do not like it when I hear black men say they "have to get themself a white girl" because they are.....or white women say they "can't wait to date a black man" because....Overall, I don't have a problem with anyone being with anyone as long as their intentions are pure and not because they are trying to see if a stereotype is true or for a particular reason.

It is my experience that some African Americans do not like to see black men with white women because of the history of black men and white women. It wasn't too long ago that black men were beaten and/or killed for looking, dating or talking to a white woman. For some this fact results in some ill feelings and unfortunately it is not something that you just put in the past or get over.


And this is why we (as African Americans) cannot get over the past mistakes of the wrongs which were inflicted to us or others we know or we harbor those mistakes because we don't forgive. We all know racism exist, even in the body of Christ, and it is no secret. We all do it to each other, black, white, whatever.

But how can we be healed of the past when we don't forgive and forgive before God?





I don't know if it's necessarily an issue of forgiveness. You can forgive, but you can't forget about something like that...At least I can't! Not to beat a dead horse, but there were white women who willingly dated/had sex with a black man and then when someone white might have found out their interaction, the woman cried rape...As a result the man was beaten, lynched and/or killed. AGAIN...if a black man and white woman meet and find that they truly love each other, I have no problems with that. I'm talking about those individuals who date another person just because of the other person's race and to have an arm trophy as if to say "look at what I have..."



dinomax55 -> RE: A question for all African American and Asian Americans. (4/24/2008 8:01:18 AM)

That was then, and painful enough, but this is 2008.. you have to let that go. Why hold on to that? It's not making you a better person, is it?

That said, I think it's wrong to have a preference for one race or another, for whatever reason. If I say, I will only date white women or asian women, and not give my own kind a chance, that would be wrong.



gaylel1 -> RE: A question for all African American and Asian Americans. (4/24/2008 9:11:58 AM)

..And preferences are to me a sin before God, and especially if people hold on to the past. People just need to move on, forgive and not harbor those past mistakes of what people done a long time ago.



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