Is he too old? (Full Version)

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Audrey_180 -> Is he too old? (4/18/2008 12:31:20 AM)

Just recently I started dating again after getting out of a very long and painful relationship. I have been trying the whole online dating scene, and recently met a really great guy. We began e-mailing and chatting online with each other and he invited me to lunch today. Needless to say, it was great and I really enjoyed his company. We made plans to see each other again this weekend and I'm really looking forward to it. Here's the problem... he's 16 years older than me. I don't normally go for guys his age, but he just has this personality and passion that attracts me. So... I'm in my mid-twenties and he's 41. Huge age difference, though we have no problem relating in conversations. I need some opinions here... is this doomed because of our ages? Also, even if the relationship continues... how do you explain something like this when it comes time to meet the family? Need some advice! Anyone been in this situation?



jaimestarcross -> RE: Is he too old? (4/18/2008 12:49:01 AM)

I was married to a man 20 yrs. older than me - his problem was he wouldn't stop having an affair with the woman he eventually married.

If the man you are getting to know is solid and loyal there's reason to believe you two could have a beautiful marriage... that is if everything continues going good and you're both ready for commitment and marriage.... take time to get to know each other that is key. Don't let your guard down just yet because he's got a great personality. Get to know the whole man. Don't rush into a relationship(I made that mistake in my first marriage and I married a man who wasn't a Christian) - Guard your heart and take things slow... make sure you and him are in agreement on key issues that are important to maintaining a healthy relationship/marriage.



FaithLegacy -> RE: Is he too old? (4/18/2008 1:51:33 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Audrey_180

Just recently I started dating again after getting out of a very long and painful relationship. I have been trying the whole online dating scene, and recently met a really great guy. We began e-mailing and chatting online with each other and he invited me to lunch today. Needless to say, it was great and I really enjoyed his company. We made plans to see each other again this weekend and I'm really looking forward to it. Here's the problem... he's 16 years older than me. I don't normally go for guys his age, but he just has this personality and passion that attracts me. So... I'm in my mid-twenties and he's 41. Huge age difference, though we have no problem relating in conversations. I need some opinions here... is this doomed because of our ages? Also, even if the relationship continues... how do you explain something like this when it comes time to meet the family? Need some advice! Anyone been in this situation?


Thats a big age difference. I say it could have some problems. I would find out if he was married before, if he has kids-they could be your age. The reason i'm asking is maybe you may feel differently about the future then he does. He may feel too old for kids. And maybe starting a family one day would be great for you. Or if he already has kids it could be odd for them. How well do you know him?



1love1God1way -> RE: Is he too old? (4/18/2008 2:57:10 AM)

It's not too old to be impossible, but old enough to bring some challenges (which, may be enough to make it not worthwhile, and may not).



deermousie -> RE: Is he too old? (4/18/2008 4:08:06 PM)

Such a big difference in age will cause some problems, but every marriage has its problems. There's a bigger issue here: is this God's choice for you? Because if he isn't, then you don't have to sweat it, and if he is, then it will be fine.

God has promised to deliver us from our troubles. He uses our hardships to work in us to bless and sanctify us. So, no, the age thing doesn't doom the relationship; it just defines what one of the problems will be. If you are mature and he's a young 41, it might be just right. Keep in mind a 50 yo man is way different than a 40 yo one, and if you have kids their dad might not be up for backpacking and tackle football. But there are compensations. May God bless you guys!



csl7037 -> RE: Is he too old? (4/18/2008 4:13:13 PM)

It can work but I agree that it presents unique challenges. My inlaws were 17 years apart and, granted, they had a hard life, but she did end up resenting him quite a bit. In all honesty, the age might've just been an excuse for her and her attitude would probably not have been any better regardless.

I'd say just be careful.



ChoirDJ -> RE: Is he too old? (4/19/2008 11:21:44 AM)

Personally, I don't think it would be healthy to marry someone that is 16 years older than you at this point. The difference would be much less pronounced if you were 40 and he were 56. At 22, it is likely that you have not come into your own as a person and you do not have a true sense of what you want (and need) in a relationship (although this relationship feels good right now). At 22, you're probably seeing things through rose-colored lenses and you will see things completely differently as you mature over the next 5-10 years.

I would also be concerned about the emotional maturity of a 36-year old man who sees a 22-year woman as his equal but I would be much less concerned if it were 40 and 56. Older men tend to marry younger women because younger women are more naive in many ways and therefore easier to manipulate and control. He probably will not respect you as a woman but will trivialize your thoughts and feelings as if they were coming from a daughter figure. BTW I would say the same thing about a woman who sees a man 16 years her junior as a match under these circumstances so it has nothing to do with gender. You both are at completely different stages in life for a number of reasons and that will have a huge impact on the success of this relationship should you choose to move forward and marry this guy.



DistortedImage -> RE: Is he too old? (4/19/2008 2:48:54 PM)

I don't know if that's too old or not. I personally am 20 years old and dating man that is ten years older than I am. So I really see nothing with with dating older guys. and he can in no way control or manipulate me. I think it just all depends on how well you get along, and how well you understand each other.



deermousie -> RE: Is he too old? (4/19/2008 5:05:15 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChoirDJ
I would also be concerned about the emotional maturity of a 36-year old man who sees a 22-year woman as his equal but I would be much less concerned if it were 40 and 56. Older men tend to marry younger women because younger women are more naive in many ways and therefore easier to manipulate and control.


This is a good point, ChoirDJ; thanks. When I was 19 I dated a guy who was 28, and no one stepped up and questioned me why a 28 yo guy wasn't interested in 28 yo women and vice versa. I later found out why - he was an emotion wreck (hypocondriac and mama's boy) and the gals his age were avoiding him.

I was flattered by his attention. When I broke up with him, he stalked me for 19 years, and only quit when I got married (yes, I married really late). He got married in his 40s, and it lasted a few months.

So, Audrey, let me do for you what someone should have done for me (and I mean this in the kindest way) - why is this guy interested in someone 16 years his junior? Where has he been the last 20 years, and why don't gals his age want him?

God bless, dear one.



buckifn -> RE: Is he too old? (4/19/2008 5:58:11 PM)

I'm in my 40's and if I were dating a girl in her twenties it would come across as close to child molesting. There is just some boundaries not meant to be crossed and I would consider that one of them. What on earth could you possibly have in common????

If you were 40 and he were 60 that may be different...but a 20 something has not achieved full maturity in a way a 40 something has and that is just too leery.



Dakotasunbeam -> RE: Is he too old? (4/19/2008 8:08:36 PM)

I agree with most of the others, a 10 year age gap is HUGE, let alone a 16 or 20 year age gap. I'd certainly have second thoughts. But that doesn't entirely doom your relationship to fail. Maybe it could work, there will certainly be challenges. But nothing that couldn't be overcome. It depends. I cannot say for myself I'd be looking into dating a guy 10+ my senior. I'd feel like the daughter or something, and I think there is room for some manipulation there, even if not motivated by underhanded means. It's kind of like when you understand the thought processes of a child enough to get them to stop bugging you, or go play. I'd like to grow in maturity WITH my spouse. I don't have a father-complex and so that would be kinda unusual for me. But you may be fine with this scenario. I knew a girl who only dated guys older than her; she wanted them to take care of her or something.

Generally when I talk with older guys IRL, it just confirms in my mind why I wouldn't choose to marry one: We're in Waaaay different stages in life. The things I get all excited about, they've already been there and done that. So, I'd like to have someone to experience that with. In fact when guys vastly older than me ask me out, I'm thinking, "So, what's wrong with you that you cannot/do not date a woman your own age." I do wonder if they are grounded in reality. Generally, I've found guys looking for vastly younger women have some maturity issues.

Just keep your eyes open and proceed. If its great, and he's a christian--go for it.



dinomax55 -> RE: Is he too old? (4/19/2008 8:37:40 PM)

It can work. My dad is 16 yrs older than my stepmom. Married for 25 years, and still going strong. If a relationship like that fails, it would be because of personality or spiritual differences, not the age difference. If you are both mature (mentally and spiritually) then you can make it work.



Railroad_Widow -> RE: Is he too old? (4/21/2008 11:42:28 AM)

I don't think it's anyones call except yours and his. If the 2 of you are comfortable with the age difference than does it really matter what anyone else thinks? My husband is 13 years older than me. I met him when I was 19 and he was 32.We are now 40 and 53. We've been married for 18 years this coming August and we just work well together. To make things even stranger, he is only 5 years younger than my mother and 8 years younger than my father. Freaks people out when I tell them that! LOL But we don't care what others think. We love each other and know we belong together and that's all that matters. No one can tell you who you can or should love!



preserved -> RE: Is he too old? (4/21/2008 11:55:33 AM)

Audrey_180...I'd say be careful..It's a big age gap....Also you got out of a long and painful relationship....Does this new guy know this? If so he may feel that you are vulerable....or the protective role. I also feel you are jumping way ahead of the game here...What is his interest in you and why? What type of relationship is he seeking?



tiffywal -> RE: Is he too old? (4/21/2008 2:28:59 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Railroad_Widow

I don't think it's anyones call except yours and his. If the 2 of you are comfortable with the age difference than does it really matter what anyone else thinks? My husband is 13 years older than me. I met him when I was 19 and he was 32.We are now 40 and 53. We've been married for 18 years this coming August and we just work well together. To make things even stranger, he is only 5 years younger than my mother and 8 years younger than my father. Freaks people out when I tell them that! LOL But we don't care what others think. We love each other and know we belong together and that's all that matters. No one can tell you who you can or should love!



I would have to agree with Railroad_Widow. The 2 of you have to decide if a relationship is something you want. As with all relationships, there will be challenges. How you handle those challenges is key. Good Luck to you.



preserved -> RE: Is he too old? (4/21/2008 3:30:22 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: tiffywal

quote:

ORIGINAL: Railroad_Widow

I don't think it's anyones call except yours and his. If the 2 of you are comfortable with the age difference than does it really matter what anyone else thinks? My husband is 13 years older than me. I met him when I was 19 and he was 32.We are now 40 and 53. We've been married for 18 years this coming August and we just work well together. To make things even stranger, he is only 5 years younger than my mother and 8 years younger than my father. Freaks people out when I tell them that! LOL But we don't care what others think. We love each other and know we belong together and that's all that matters. No one can tell you who you can or should love!



I would have to agree with Railroad_Widow. The 2 of you have to decide if a relationship is something you want. As with all relationships, there will be challenges. How you handle those challenges is key. Good Luck to you.


I think we all know that the OP is the person who needs to make her own decision...However, she came here for some insight and there it a reason for that...Besides she just met the man...no one is talking about love yet?



buckifn -> RE: Is he too old? (4/21/2008 9:57:11 PM)

quote:

Besides she just met the man...no one is talking about love yet?


Great point...I totally missed she met the guy online. I would say slow down..waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down. Have you done a background check on this guy yet? I would strongly recommend it before meeting someone from online...I would also say an online relationship makes for even more reasons to be cautious..

Has this person ever been married? How many times? Are there children involved? Because you are so young I would also recommend having him meet your dad and let your dad give his views.

You said he is "a really great guy" but what do you really know about him, great, or otherwise?



Audrey_180 -> RE: Is he too old? (4/21/2008 10:42:53 PM)

By the way... I'm not 22, I'm 26. I'm far from naive nor am I immature. To be honest, I'm not attracted to guys my own age. I've dated guys in the same age bracket and found that I'm just not interested in the same things nor do I have the same goals as they do. I don't want to wait another ten years for a guy to get his act together... I want it now. This is why I typically date older men. And no, I'm not moving fast. I just wanted everyone's opinion on the whole issue.



preserved -> RE: Is he too old? (4/22/2008 2:54:35 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Audrey_180

By the way... I'm not 22, I'm 26. I'm far from naive nor am I immature. To be honest, I'm not attracted to guys my own age. I've dated guys in the same age bracket and found that I'm just not interested in the same things nor do I have the same goals as they do. I don't want to wait another ten years for a guy to get his act together... I want it now. This is why I typically date older men. And no, I'm not moving fast. I just wanted everyone's opinion on the whole issue.


Sounds like to me you already have your own idea and know what you want to do? You are looking for a sounding board and support of your decision....



tiffywal -> RE: Is he too old? (4/22/2008 7:29:57 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: preserved

quote:

ORIGINAL: tiffywal

quote:

ORIGINAL: Railroad_Widow

I don't think it's anyones call except yours and his. If the 2 of you are comfortable with the age difference than does it really matter what anyone else thinks? My husband is 13 years older than me. I met him when I was 19 and he was 32.We are now 40 and 53. We've been married for 18 years this coming August and we just work well together. To make things even stranger, he is only 5 years younger than my mother and 8 years younger than my father. Freaks people out when I tell them that! LOL But we don't care what others think. We love each other and know we belong together and that's all that matters. No one can tell you who you can or should love!



I would have to agree with Railroad_Widow. The 2 of you have to decide if a relationship is something you want. As with all relationships, there will be challenges. How you handle those challenges is key. Good Luck to you.


I think we all know that the OP is the person who needs to make her own decision...However, she came here for some insight and there it a reason for that...Besides she just met the man...no one is talking about love yet?



I never said anything about love. I just said that they have to decide together if they want to be together and how they should handle the challenges ahead.



buckifn -> RE: Is he too old? (4/23/2008 7:27:23 AM)

I noticed you didn't answer questions about this man's personal relationships of the past. I hope it is because you chose not to and not because you don't even know yourself.



JordanW -> RE: Is he too old? (4/23/2008 10:56:01 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Audrey_180

Just recently I started dating again after getting out of a very long and painful relationship. I have been trying the whole online dating scene, and recently met a really great guy. We began e-mailing and chatting online with each other and he invited me to lunch today. Needless to say, it was great and I really enjoyed his company. We made plans to see each other again this weekend and I'm really looking forward to it. Here's the problem... he's 16 years older than me. I don't normally go for guys his age, but he just has this personality and passion that attracts me. So... I'm in my mid-twenties and he's 41. Huge age difference, though we have no problem relating in conversations. I need some opinions here... is this doomed because of our ages? Also, even if the relationship continues... how do you explain something like this when it comes time to meet the family? Need some advice! Anyone been in this situation?

Personally I don't think that it is a problem, it's how you feel about the situation and if you feel he is a good fit for you then I say go for it, but if it's not working out well then break it off, I don't think age really matters.



Peachi -> RE: Is he too old? (4/25/2008 3:54:41 PM)

The only problem I see with this age difference is if you do get serious and eventually marry is the idea of childern. If he has already done the family scene and doesn't want to do it over again. You may want children. Please don't make the mistake of telling yourself or try to convince yourself that you can go though life without them when you do want them. You will only become bitter as the years go by. You need to know where you two stand on that early in the relationship to avoid being hurt later.
If you can both reach HONEST terms on family then I say it can work. My husband is 17yrs older then I am. The difference with us, this is our 2nd marriage and we both have children and don't want any more. I met him with I was 39 and he was 56. So we were both finished with babies (except grandbabies [:)]) We were both pretty much settled into a calmer lifestyle too.
I wish you luck...I hope it works, just take your time and keep your eyes open and trust God to be there for you



April75 -> RE: Is he too old? (4/25/2008 4:12:39 PM)

At first I was thinking I didn't have advice on this one. I glanced at a post that said something about children. My uncle had a bad break up with his wife of 20 years. She treated him and the kids poorly. I'm not saying he was perfect but I can see how her actions caused some teribble things. He was single 5 years(seperated).

He met someone thats 16 years younger. They have several small children and are doing great. (He's 59 and the kids are around 3, 5, 8). So it could work.



daughter_of_faith -> RE: Is he too old? (4/25/2008 4:13:41 PM)

My DH & I have a little more than 15 years between us. So far it's been a GREAT match!!! It's the second marriage for both of us. We both want kids (DH has no bio & I only have one). Our interests are similar & God has really knit us together.

Speaking from personal experience, I don't think it's too much of an age difference at all. As some of the other responses have said....be cautious about why women his age don't date him. I know with my DH he was looking for a woman a little younger than him because he still wanted biological children (he was thinking 10 years or so max). But God has a sense of humor....in that God brought us together online of all places. For me, I was seeking for a man a little older because the men my age were terribly irresponsible & not ready to be a father (my son & I are a package deal--ready made family...whatever you want to call it).

BTW, I'm 25 & DH is 40 (if that makes any difference). We'll both be having birthdays in the next couple of months which will make us the same ages as the OP and her new beau. As far as meeting the families...we were both fairly open (in time) with our families about seeing someone. For my DH, I was his first date, etc. in the 2 years since his divorce was finalized. His family was super excited that he was beginning to see someone. With me, I had dated other men with things not going so well...so I didn't say much to my family at first because I just wasn't sure where things would go. My family was their usual pessimistic selves even when we married. We've been married nearly a year & my family is now warming up to my DH (even though they've barely communicated---we live 2000 miles away).

I guess all I am trying to say is....seek God first & foremost in your relationship together. If He gives you the "green light" (go) signal....then proceed cautiously. It doesn't matter what others think!!!



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