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StephenJ -> RE: Is it even possible to fix this relationship? (4/19/2008 5:52:22 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Paymeister
Dear Stephen,
Been there, done that. In my case it was squelched for good when the girl finally said, "You know, you're a nice guy and all that, but there's something about you I just can't stand."
Oh. THAT'S what she meant when there was always something else she had to do, etc.... It was hard, but at least it was clear. I wished her well then, and I still do.
Stephen, give up on this girl. Confess your sin and repent (you're supposed to protect the innocent, not stalk them), and move on.
Want to know the REAL answer to your problem? I'm telling you this based on fifteen years of trying to get this girl or that girl to be interested in me... and in a successful marriage after I put this into practice (20 year anniversary last month).
The real way to do this is to figure out what sort of woman you want to marry, and become the kind of person she would be interested in. Then, you'll automatically attract that kind of woman, and it will be REAL instead of the results of a marketing exercise. And you may wind up with this particular person or another, but any who would be attracted to you at that point would probably be a good match.
That's from a human perspective (since that's all we really have in front of us). But from Scripture we know that God orders all things, and He's going to put you with the one He wants you with. Note that this could be for your blessing (if you seek Him and relax and let Him accomplish His purposes as I and others on this list are encouraging you to do), OR FOR YOUR CURSING: I don't mean this to be a slam, but rather because I've seen it in my own life.
In my case I wanted more credit, against the clear teaching of Scripture and the good advice of my wife and godly counselors. What did God do? He let me have the credit - and we've suffered financially ever since. His chastisement for me (and indeed it provided an EXCELLENT education) was to merely let me have the thing that I wanted. Another example would be when at 3 years old, my sister wanted to go play in the snow barefooted (we had driven to the mountains, and she had never seen the stuff before): after protracted battle with my mom about the boots, my dad said, "Let her go ahead without them." As you can imagine, she was back to the car for her boots in short order! Soooo, don't push the "I want THIS girl!" issue with God: He may give you what you want instead of what He recommends, and it may not turn out as you've imagined!
Trust God to build you up into who you are supposed to be. Seek Him and obey. THAT'S your job, not "trying to win Miss Right". Sorry to say it, Stephen, but the story you told of your behavior suggests that you are a LONG way off from where you need to be in order to be married, and are also not prepared for any relationship beyond the cup-of-coffee-at-the-cafeteria level. Is that a slam? Not really: I was there for a long time, too (as was nearly everyone else). Work on becoming who God has made you to be, and He will bring about His plan for you, for your blessing.
Praying for you...
I've never believed that I should have to change who I am to be with anyone. Infact at one point I told her that she shouldn't apologize to me. I told her that she deserves not to have to settle for someone she doesn't want, and I deserve to be with someone who can feel for me the way I feel for her. But you're probably right about many of the things you said there.
The other lesson I learned from this is that despite what movies and TV shows tell you it's a really, really, really bad idea to be attracted to someone you are close friends with. I've pretty much learned that the whole ladder theory thing is grounded in some truth. I now think it's a pretty wise idea to keep people you're interested in and people you like as friends in very segregated areas of your life.
My question though is whether my friendship with this person can ever be repaired.
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