Flexibility? (Full Version)

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RichLP -> Flexibility? (4/21/2008 1:53:28 AM)

Peers of mine who are single have told me that newly and not-so-newly married friends of theirs say that my single peers are still single in great part because they're too picky.

Have you ever been told that?

I have and I denied it but now I've seen it.

But in my case I fear that if I lower my standards TOO MUCH I may end up with the wrong person. Now don't get me wrong; even by being picky and having difficult standards, a person may still marry AND marry wrong.

But what if being too picky is indeed a problem? What if you run into somebody who meets a good portion of your "demands" even if there is a need to compromise here or there? Because the Lord knows that the person behind the nick "RichLP" is FAR from perfect; in fact, I'm often seeking advice here on how to learn more, to become wiser, to become a better person.

I just met my best friend who is also a single man and he told me that he too has been told by a newly married friend that he is single because he's too picky. Over drinks he and I agreed that it's time for us to marry and that at our ages (he is about to turn 36, and I turn 35 this year) we're not in a position to be mega-choosy unless we're reading to face the prospect of getting married in our late 30s or even past 40. We also agreed that while not every girl a single man meets will be a good match (let alone sent by or approved by the Lord), a single needs to take advantage of every opportunity.

Your take, folks?

PS: I know that it's better to be single than to marry the wrong person. I also believe that it was the Lord's will for certain people not to accept marriage proposals. I believe the Lord speaks to us via many ways, including our loved ones, if/when we run into ACCEPTABLE and NON-ACCEPTABLE persons of the opposite gender. IT's just that... it's important to pray and to seek God's wisdom and will, but when it comes to dating, sometimes I think it's best not to "overspiritualize" too much - not at first anyway.



manda59 -> RE: Flexibility? (4/21/2008 7:05:08 AM)

I guess it depends on what precisely you're being "picky" about, what your "standards" are.

Some things are more important than others. Maybe it's worth sorting it all into "absolute musts", and "desirables but not essentials". And worth looking to see if any of them are "comfort zone" items rather than anything else, or even "prejudices".



NoDumbBlonde -> RE: Flexibility? (4/21/2008 11:28:58 AM)

Personally, never compromise your standards where some characteristics are concerned. Others are mere preferences.

I suggest making a list of all the attributes, qualities, characteristics, etc. you want in a mate. Classify them as Deal Breakers, Should Haves and Would be Nice. Pray about the list and give it to God. He knows your heart and what you want and need. When you meet someone re-check your list to see where they stack up.

Deal Breakers are those qualities that are required: ex: Christian faith, non-smoker, no drugs, honest, whatever fits you. You get the point. Those things that are totally unacceptable in a potential partner. I suggest that any potential partner must match 100% of Deal Breakers.

Should Haves: These things are qualities that you want them to have. Ex: education, health, and other things that are important to you. I suggest making sure that the person you are considering has appox. 85% of that list.

Would be Nice: These are qualities that are more wants than needs. Qualities like that they share a love of a particular hobby or sport, things that make life easier and more fun. Not necesary character based but more activity based.

I waited a long while to find my husband so it may be that God is preparing that person right now. Don't rush Him as He knows what and who you need exactly when you need them. I also found out that some of the Should Haves were less important than I realized. God provided the man He knew I needed and didn't realize.

I realize that this method is very pragmatic and not very romantic sounding but in a world where divorce is rampant, you must know that this decision is one of the most important and feelings of romance shouldn't be the basis of whom you choose to marry and commit your life to.
\
Just my opinion.
[:)]



deermousie -> RE: Flexibility? (4/21/2008 2:42:13 PM)

The worst advice I ever got was, when I was 21, a lady told me I'd better hurry up and get married before all the good ones were taken.

What a crock! I dated for years, and then refused to date for years, and had given up. When I was 37 I met this guy who was in his 30s as well, and we were a MATCH! I couldn't believe it!

The main things about him, and I think should be for every Christian looking at a possible mate, are:

-mature Christian
-good character (as seconded by friends and church members and pastor who've known them for years)

And, like you, I was told I was too picky. I'm now better married than the people who told me that are (and have you noticed people not entirely happy with their marriages often advise singles to hurry up and marry? Misery loves company? Not good motivation for such a life-long commitment).

I like what NoDumbBlonde said about deal breakers, and basically I'm echoing her in my own experience.

I had a list, and I realize some things were "want" and not "has to be": I wanted to marry someone from my own time zone (to cut down on cultural differences), great sense of humor, someone better educated than me (because I can scare people), and athletic. Well, he wasn't athletic, but he fit all the rest. I was willing to let the athletic go.

When his pastor (who knew me) and a counselor from my church who knew both of us heard of our relationship, they both said, "Of course. It's perfect." That's not entirely a compliment because we're both kind of goofy, but hey, we match!

If something bugs you in dating, Rich, you can bet in marriage it would drive you nuts. I vote you don't relax your standards but keep praying. Keep growing in your faith and gaining skills for marriage (ask your married buddies for a frank asssessment from their wives - it could reveal something for you to work on. But it would take a really good friend to do this).

For most people it is God's will to marry, and your desire indicates you are one of them. I'm praying right now that God will let you trip across THE ONE for you very soon. God bless.



Dakotasunbeam -> RE: Flexibility? (4/23/2008 10:37:37 PM)

Sometimes. But generally those people didn't know what they were talking about anyway. [;)]

Actually, I've had quite a few barriers to break down myself. I had so many "requirements" I though they were godly, until God actually began to tap me on the shoulder and say, "Hey there, I don't require that. That's your pride, that's your prejudice, that's your vanity." Yes, Pride and Prejudice is one of my favorite Jane Austen Novels!!! But only because I understand that it DOES get in the way of beautiful stuff. I had standards based on asthetics, society, pride, prejudice--all kinds of rubbish God had to clean out. It's been quite a process! Whew! He's still yet working! But I'm a long way from where I was. When I was an unbeliever, I wouldn't even talk to people that didn't "look" the part, yet alone fit my standards. God has done a MAJOR work in me. I'm so glad God has taken the blinders off. I'm so free now.

It's helped me to be a better person, to reach out more, to help, to bless, I am truly grateful. Rich, be careful to watch your standards. Check them with the Bible. I know for myself, this is what got me on the right road. God just whispering in my heart about a few things.

Lie your preconcieved notions by the door, and fall at the feet of the Father and find out what He likes in a spouse, and you can't go wrong.



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