The Big Secret of My Family

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terrie -> The Big Secret of My Family (4/24/2008 11:40:12 AM)
Hello to all. I'm posting this out of the need to just write down what is going on and what I'm thinking. Just last night I was talking to my brother who is 5 years older than me (I also have two more older brothers who are 14 & 12 years older than me) and he and I started talking about him and how he fits into the family. My oldest brothers and I have dark brown hair and brown eyes. My oldest brother looks like my mom's side of the family while the second oldest brother and myself take more after my dad. The third oldest brother (I'll call him Curt) has blonde hair, beautiful blue eyes, has a different build than all of us, and is tall compared to us (he is around 6' 3"). Curt said that he and the other two brothers were talking the other night and to make a long story short they started putting two-and-two together and are pretty sure that Curt has a different father. Mom had an affair, my dad found out, my brothers remember the turmoil, and within a year later Curt was born. Also, Curt says he remembers in elementary school a kid coming up to him and saying "did you know that you and I have the same dad?" He said that the boy never said another word about it and Curt said he didn't really think much about it either. But he remembered the boys name and when he told my brothers they said, "that makes sense, that's the last name of the man who mom had the affair with." Does anyone know about genetics? My dad has dark brown hair and gray colored eyes. He has a small side of the family and I've never seen blonde hair or blue eyes. On my mom's side of the family one of my cousin's has blonde hair, and I think blue eyes - he is the only one I can think of. My mom has dark brown hair and dark brown eyes. Also, no one in either side of the family is as tall as Curt. My oldest brother is around 6' and he is the tallest out of everyone except for Curt. I guess this is really bothering me now and I want to know the truth. Hubby and I have been talking and he says that for an outsider it's kind of easy to figure out that Curt must have a different father. There is just too much "circumstancial evidence". I guess it's just weird, sad, I don't know. I feel sad for so many people. I feel so horrible for my dad. It makes me love and admire him even more. To accept a child from another man who slept with your wife as if he were your own? My brother Curt said that he always felt that dad treated and looked at him a little different. It would be hard for dad to have that constant reminder. Curt has always been the wild one in our family - long hair, tatoos, earrings, etc. But he has a heart of gold. It's weird because we used to laugh and joke with Curt about being the milk-man's son because he looks so different than the rest of us. Of course he has some resemblance to mom, but not much. Needless to say this doesn't change my love for my brother. In fact, it makes me love him even more. I feel so bad for him and how sad/confusing/shocking it must be to finally put it all together. Curt and I were always close. He and I seemed like the only two kids in the family because my other brothers were so much older than us. I guess this is all just breaking my heart and I'm not sure what to do about it. Part of me really wants to know the truth, but another part is scared. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. I'm afraid of how it might affect my dad. And, what would mom do if her secret was out? It makes me mad at my mom and how she has treated Curt and I for all these years. She is not a very nice person sometimes and she is extremely harsh and judgemental towards people whom she feels "sin". I have felt her wrath many times and so has Curt. Part of me just wants to scream at her for being so judgemental and pointing the finger and making people feel so bad about messing up. But, I'm also aware that if she's living in her weird world where she thinks she's covered it up and no one will ever know, what will she do if people find out? I think she would go off the deep end. Any thoughts or advice? Am I dreaming this stuff up, or is hubby right-on that the circumstancial evidence is piling up so big that mom is guilty beyond a reasonable doubt? Please also pray for us. I'm just lost, sad, scared and not sure how to react. We've always been a loving family who attended church all our lives. So when the picture gets shattered it's kind of hard to take.

stellaluna -> RE: The Big Secret of My Family (4/24/2008 11:54:33 AM)
1) I have three brothers and if you lined us up you wouldn't necessarily think we were related. 2) What do you plan to do with all your circumstantial evidence? Confront your mother? Confront your father? 3) I'm assuming your parents are still together, which would mean they have found a way to deal with anything in the past. How would bringing all this up now benefit your family? Or change anything?

terrie -> RE: The Big Secret of My Family (4/24/2008 12:02:34 PM)
I guess more than anything I'm looking for support. I want to know there are fellow Christians out there who will pray for me and my family. I want to know that people care about each other. I'm not looking to destroy my family, mother, father etc. I also want to know if outsiders see that the circumstancial evidence makes this a very real possibility and that it is probably true? I want to know that I'm not crazy and have heard/seen to much stupid TV/Movies so I'm being paranoid. Am I crazy? I have many thoughts going through my mind and I guess I'm looking for some "mothering" - nurturing. Am I coming to the wrong place? One can take any part of the story and say it may not be true. But that's not my point. I know not everyone in families look alike. But when you take that fact along with all the other facts I've given - isn't stuff starting to pile up?

Pat-rebel_lady -> RE: The Big Secret of My Family (4/24/2008 12:06:21 PM)
quote: It's weird because we used to laugh and joke with Curt about being the milk-man's son because he looks so different than the rest of us. Of course he has some resemblance to mom, but not much. That's funny; we have 3 daughters, one of which has blond hair and blue eyes; when ever asked about it we teased and said she was the mailman's daughter. A few years ago; she is 37 years old now; we were all sitting around talking about when hubby and I were first married, and his being a 'mailman' when he was in the Navy. And her lights came on, "I really AM the 'mailman's' daughter? Dad's the mailman?" All those years, we never realized she never knew we were teasing or heard that he delivered mail while in the Service. We alway figured she got her blond hair and blue eyes from her great great-grandmother on her father's mother's side. Genetics are funny things, I would Not worry about it one bit.

stellaluna -> RE: The Big Secret of My Family (4/24/2008 12:07:16 PM)
Of course you can get support and prayer here--that's not a problem. I'm just not sure dwelling on something like this so far in the past is healthy or beneficial, whether it's true or not.

terrie -> RE: The Big Secret of My Family (4/24/2008 12:14:16 PM)
And, no I don't feel that mom and dad really delt with it. 10 years later (after she had her affair) dad had an affair and my mom has been bitter and mean towards him ever since. She has never forgiven him for it and throws it in his face - she used to do this all the time when I was a teen. I remember talking to mom about it and her affair was brought up and she told me that her affair was only emotional - not sexual. That hurts me too knowing that perhaps she lied to me. Knowing that she perhaps lied to all of us. No, I probably won't confront her or anyone. I'm just angry/sad/mad/whatever and trying to figure this all out. Also, me and my brothers have had many issues/problems. We love each other but we're messed up in some ways (I know everyone is disfunctional). But my oldest brother is divorced, Curt is now divorced, and both Curt and I have had children out of wedlock. So, this piece of our family puzzle may make some sense as to why our family is the way it is. It's like going to counseling and the "light bulb" goes on. You start looking back and putting things together and stuff starts making sense - in a good way. I feel like maybe God is giving me an "AH-HA" moment in my life.

benelchi -> RE: The Big Secret of My Family (4/24/2008 12:22:10 PM)
I have been confronted by a similar situation where I have a very high degree of suspicion, and my conclusion has been that there really is no benefit in bringing it up. If it ever becomes an issue that I feel needs to be addressed, I would have no difficulty addressing it, but right now I feel that more hurt would be caused than anything positive. I would say that if the issue is just to satisfy curiosity or put your mom in her place then leave it alone; address it only when there is something more at stake i.e. something that is for the true benefit of others. quote: ORIGINAL: terrie Hello to all. I'm posting this out of the need to just write down what is going on and what I'm thinking. Just last night I was talking to my brother who is 5 years older than me (I also have two more older brothers who are 14 & 12 years older than me) and he and I started talking about him and how he fits into the family. My oldest brothers and I have dark brown hair and brown eyes. My oldest brother looks like my mom's side of the family while the second oldest brother and myself take more after my dad. The third oldest brother (I'll call him Curt) has blonde hair, beautiful blue eyes, has a different build than all of us, and is tall compared to us (he is around 6' 3"). Curt said that he and the other two brothers were talking the other night and to make a long story short they started putting two-and-two together and are pretty sure that Curt has a different father. Mom had an affair, my dad found out, my brothers remember the turmoil, and within a year later Curt was born. Also, Curt says he remembers in elementary school a kid coming up to him and saying "did you know that you and I have the same dad?" He said that the boy never said another word about it and Curt said he didn't really think much about it either. But he remembered the boys name and when he told my brothers they said, "that makes sense, that's the last name of the man who mom had the affair with." Does anyone know about genetics? My dad has dark brown hair and gray colored eyes. He has a small side of the family and I've never seen blonde hair or blue eyes. On my mom's side of the family one of my cousin's has blonde hair, and I think blue eyes - he is the only one I can think of. My mom has dark brown hair and dark brown eyes. Also, no one in either side of the family is as tall as Curt. My oldest brother is around 6' and he is the tallest out of everyone except for Curt. I guess this is really bothering me now and I want to know the truth. Hubby and I have been talking and he says that for an outsider it's kind of easy to figure out that Curt must have a different father. There is just too much "circumstancial evidence". I guess it's just weird, sad, I don't know. I feel sad for so many people. I feel so horrible for my dad. It makes me love and admire him even more. To accept a child from another man who slept with your wife as if he were your own? My brother Curt said that he always felt that dad treated and looked at him a little different. It would be hard for dad to have that constant reminder. Curt has always been the wild one in our family - long hair, tatoos, earrings, etc. But he has a heart of gold. It's weird because we used to laugh and joke with Curt about being the milk-man's son because he looks so different than the rest of us. Of course he has some resemblance to mom, but not much. Needless to say this doesn't change my love for my brother. In fact, it makes me love him even more. I feel so bad for him and how sad/confusing/shocking it must be to finally put it all together. Curt and I were always close. He and I seemed like the only two kids in the family because my other brothers were so much older than us. I guess this is all just breaking my heart and I'm not sure what to do about it. Part of me really wants to know the truth, but another part is scared. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. I'm afraid of how it might affect my dad. And, what would mom do if her secret was out? It makes me mad at my mom and how she has treated Curt and I for all these years. She is not a very nice person sometimes and she is extremely harsh and judgemental towards people whom she feels "sin". I have felt her wrath many times and so has Curt. Part of me just wants to scream at her for being so judgemental and pointing the finger and making people feel so bad about messing up. But, I'm also aware that if she's living in her weird world where she thinks she's covered it up and no one will ever know, what will she do if people find out? I think she would go off the deep end. Any thoughts or advice? Am I dreaming this stuff up, or is hubby right-on that the circumstancial evidence is piling up so big that mom is guilty beyond a reasonable doubt? Please also pray for us. I'm just lost, sad, scared and not sure how to react. We've always been a loving family who attended church all our lives. So when the picture gets shattered it's kind of hard to take.

Memaw. -> RE: The Big Secret of My Family (4/24/2008 12:44:01 PM)
I agree with the other posters. There is no need to bring up something that could possibly blow up and destroy your family. IF your brother was conceived from an affair, that is between your mom, dad and brother, not you.

deermousie -> RE: The Big Secret of My Family (4/24/2008 1:30:19 PM)
You've already been given good advice about the family emotional dynamics; I'd be happy to approach the genetic side of this (I used to teach biology and genetics is a favorite of mine). For every trait you have, there is at least one gene that has two "blueprints." Think of a gene being an empty ice cream cone that can hold two scoops of ice cream. The scoops can be the same blue prints or two different blueprints. When you have a kid, the kid gets one set of your blueprints, and the other set from his mother. Dark hair and dark eyes are dominant genes, so you only need one copy that says "dark hair" and "dark eyes" to have a kid that has dark hair and dark eyes. That means the second set of blueprints is either the same or is something recessive: a "weaker" gene. It's not weak in how it works, just how it's expressed. So if you have a gene for dark hair and a gene for blonde hair, you will look in the mirror and see dark hair. Dark hair genes mask light hair genes. It's there but silent, so to speak. You could be carrying a gene for blonde, but the only way you'd know that is if one of your parents is blonde (and thus, that's the only gene they could give you) or you have a kid that is blonde (you gave them a blonde gene and so did their mother). Both of your parents have dark hair. They could each have two genes for dark hair, or one gene for dark and one for blonde. Either way they'd look the same, but their kids could be blonde if they each throw that blonde gene to a baby. Like Curt. You have a cousin who is blonde, and he/she got that from both parents (since the only way to be blonde is to get a gene for it from both parents). So one of your mother's parents had the gene for blonde, and your cousin wound up with it. That means it's possible that your mother is also carrying a gene for blonde (you could have it, too, so don't be surprised if you get blonde kids). The fact that Curt is blonde means he got a blonde gene from your mother and one from his father. Your mother does carry a blonde gene and a dark gene, and it's 50-50 whether you got one or the other from her. You got a dark gene from one of your parents, but you don't know which one. These recessive genes can be passed down the family and not show up for several generations, which could explain why there's no blonde hair in your father's family. It's totally possible that Curt is your full brother. The only way to know would be to do DNA testing ($200 I think, but maybe more) on Curt and your dad. My advice to you: let it go. Your dad has been a father to Curt, no matter where the genes came from. Even if Curt had been adopted, your father has been a father to him, and that's what counts in family. Your parents have made their peace with whatever happened and stirring it up would only bring more problems and not do any good. My parents were dark haired and so am I, but my brother is a blonde "surfer boy." It happens all the time. I am praying for you today, that you and Curt both will find peace. This has been very upsetting for you and Curt, and I'm sorry your mom hasn't been as warm and accepting as you needed her to be. We all get two chances at a happy childhood - one when you're a kid and one when you have kids. My childhood should have resulted in prison for both of my parents; by God's grace I have an adult kid who had a happy childhood. May God use you to help improve your family!

Sadey -> RE: The Big Secret of My Family (4/24/2008 1:38:56 PM)
Hon, I'm sorry your family is going through this. I have a couple of thoughts, one you said your were raised in a loving family and went to church. I don't want to hurt you but your description of your mother's behavior does not sound loving to me. Two, this is between your brother and mother and its his decision to make whether she is confronted or not. I don't want to sound harsh but some things are not our children's business and I hate it that you all even know about the affairs. Loving parents don't tell their children about their affairs. I would strongly suggest some family counciling for you and your brothers. Get some help on dealing with this and then make the decision on whether to confront or not. You certiainly have been blindsided by this and it will take time to think it through and come to a decision. I think its a blessing that you and Curt are so close and that won't change no matter what the facts turn out to be. But please get some help from an uninvolved person. I'm sad that your parents have drug you kids into their past messes. God bless you and your brothers and your parents. I hope it does all come out in the open where God can bring recouncilation.

April75 -> RE: The Big Secret of My Family (4/25/2008 10:55:15 AM)
My question is how does Curt feel about it? Does he feel betrayed? Is he going to bring it up to your parents? It's a very sad situation. Parents probably didn't know how to deal with such a thing. They are probably both hurt and guilty over it. As a parent I wouldn't know how to begin to tell a child about something as difficult as this. Parents are there to steer you in the right way and it's hard to admit to your children that you did something wrong. I had a similar situation in my family growing up. It was a sibling of one of my parents. My cousin was told just when they were about to hit the teenage years. I don't think he ever met his other side of the family. I personally would rather I didn't find out. I think my mother told me after I became an adult because someone was saying something about it. Honestly, I never noticed he looked different from the other siblings until it was pointed out. It made me look at not him but his parent differently.

buckifn -> RE: The Big Secret of My Family (4/25/2008 12:27:30 PM)
What exactly do you think it will change by knowing more of the details? Either way the years have gone by, lies have been acted out everyday, and a lot of hurt has been passed around in your family. It's the same old story since Adam and Eve- sin, deceit, attempts to cover it all up, and alienation because of sin. Your mother prob. has not forgiven herself, so is judgmental of others out of her own guilt she refuses to realize, and your dad prob acted in retaliation out of the hurt of rejection from your mother. I pray you realize NOTHING you or anyone else says or does is going to go back and erase the past. Your best bet would be to take all of this to the altar and leave it in the hands of God. Ask the Holy Spirit to bring healing into your life, and into the lives of your family members who have been so hurt by this. If possible I would try to get your brothers to unite with you in prayer about this, but if that isn't likely I would still suggest you spend time in prayer about it because the Holy Spirit knows how to minister to every member of your family in a way you can't. Are your parent's and brothers christians now?

Auben -> RE: The Big Secret of My Family (4/25/2008 1:00:24 PM)
What deermousie said. Genetically there's no reason why your brother (blond/blue-eyed/tall build) is not your father's child. Many brown-haired people carry recessive blond/blue eyed genes and the height factor is variable (my 6'4" grandfather came from a family where no one was over 5'7"). Perhaps your mother did have an affair. Unless she has admitted that to one of you or one of you overheard it all you can do is speculate. Even so, that doesn't necessarily mean your brother is the child of another man. If you truly want to know ask your mother. Otherwise let it be. Your brother is your brother no matter who his father is. I hope that all of you are encouraging him to know that and not burdening him with 'circumstantial evidence' that could make him feel isolated from the family.

crankius -> RE: The Big Secret of My Family (4/25/2008 1:30:46 PM)
quote: If you truly want to know ask your mother. Otherwise let it be. Your brother is your brother no matter who his father is. I hope that all of you are encouraging him to know that and not burdening him with 'circumstantial evidence' that could make him feel isolated from the family. I agree. I think, though, that it is your brother's position to ask the questions, if he really wants to know. If he doesn't really want to know, out of respect for him, I think you and your other brothers should let it go.

lightshineon -> RE: The Big Secret of My Family (4/25/2008 2:50:05 PM)
Two of my daughters have very blue eyes. The oldest has very brown eyes. I have Blue, my husband brown. None are built alike, not what so ever. The oldest being the smallest, the middle long and lanky, the little Lets just say Jennifer lopez (sp) Bobo. The littlest is the biggest. Thouh it does sound like stragfe events have been going on. What are you willing to give up to know the truth? There is always a price, when skeletons come out of the closet.

dradynsmom -> RE: The Big Secret of My Family (4/25/2008 10:58:08 PM)
My husband has 3 bro all of which look the same but one. Everyone knows that the youngest probably isn't their dads (including his mom and dad) but if you ask they will say that he is. It takes alot more than some sperm to be a dad. A dad is the one who is there for you when the spider needs killing, or the one who picks you up when u fall of your bike. It doesn't really matter what the genes say. Steph

momof4 -> RE: The Big Secret of My Family (4/27/2008 1:11:08 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: dradynsmom My husband has 3 bro all of which look the same but one. Everyone knows that the youngest probably isn't their dads (including his mom and dad) but if you ask they will say that he is. It takes alot more than some sperm to be a dad. A dad is the one who is there for you when the spider needs killing, or the one who picks you up when u fall of your bike. It doesn't really matter what the genes say. Steph I respect your idea, but on the other hand, It really DOES matter, and that's not to diminish the role your dad played as the dad to a son that wasn't genetically his. I give him a lot of credit for doing what he did, but people have a basic need and actually a right to know their genetic heritage. It goes way beyond the having to know their medical history, etc. That's the purely clinical explanation. But there's an emotional reason also, and what makes it so difficult is that a person feels like they are disowning their parent(s), but really they are not. They simply have a right to know the truth, and to know this person whose genes they carry, even if he wasn't the one who killed the spider and all of that. It's very complicated. For more information, you should read some works by author Nancy Verrier, an adoptive mom, interestingly, who saw a "difference" between her adopted daughter, and the one she gave birth to, did tons of research, and made studying the issue her life's work.

jaimestarcross -> RE: The Big Secret of My Family (4/27/2008 8:29:50 PM)
Suspicion is a dangerous thing and what it does is cause people to speculate, doubt and drive wedges in relationships. Your father having gray eyes - also plays a factor in Curt having blue eyes. So he's tall - but I noticed you didn't include the heights of the other siblings. Having a different build isn't that unusual either - children can get their physical characteristics as far back as 5 generations! *If Curt really wants to know, he should have DNA test done.... confronting mom with suspicions is only asking for major fireworks! Especially since she's denied having a sexual relationship with another man - claiming it was emotional only.

Row1 -> RE: The Big Secret of My Family (4/28/2008 6:26:05 PM)
I Tinothy 5:8 says that not supporting your family is worse than being an infidel. I wholeheartedly believe this, including my support for my stepdaughter. I know I am not the biological father, and I know the bio father. I take care of my stepdaughter just like I would my biological child. Your father deserves recognition for his commitment to this son. In my mind, I am sure he 'did the math' just like you have done. *It is not really for me to say whether an un-biological child has the 'right to know.' Frankly, outside of my own opinion, though, I think the Bible has some thing to say abt this idea: while there may be an adoptee-rights advocate who declares this, and while it may be good in general, I can't think of a part of the Bible that supports this 'right.' We get married and 'lose' our birth family ('leave and cleave). We get born again in Christ and lose our earthly family; and we are 'grafted into' Israel. Moses was not raised by his genetic parents. Ruth faithfully stuck to her in-law family rather than return to her birth family after her husband died. Jesus was raised by a stepdad. On the cross, Jesus 'adopts' his mother into John's family. In none of these is there any shame for not being acknowledged or raised by the bio parents.

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