RE: How To View The Molested? (Full Version)

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Amherst -> RE: How To View The Molested? (5/1/2008 5:45:44 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: elastic

I don't think anyone has said "move on because you haven't been there". i think what we, or what I am saying rather, is, if you can't deal with this right now, then take a break from her. step aside and deal with your feelings, as she deals with hers. he can still be her friend, he can still support her without being in a romantic situation with her while these things get hashed out.

i'll say this as lovingly and as compassionate as i can,....Amherst, I do appreciate that you are trying to come to grips with all of this. I do know that in the beginning of this thread, you worded things a little bit offensively, and i truly believe that now, on page 3, you are starting to change your approach to this. I know that deep down, you know that the molestation wasn't her fault, and deep down, you will do whatever you can to help her get through this. but i also want you to know that people deal with things differently. she may need extra time, extra grace, extra support from you, from her friends, from her family. If you are going to be there for her, continue to date her, you need to be prepared for the eventuality of the memories of the situation to rear it's ugly head. it's not something you can just forget or brush aside. (not that you would do that, but i'm just letting you know).

nobody is saying you should abandon her, but we are saying that if she needs the space to heal, you should give it to her. if she needs the support of someone who won't look down on her, and you can be that person, then you need to BE that person, without doubt, without second thoughts, and without adding to her guilt by treating her as something dirty and used. that is what I am trying to say.


Elastic,

I had initially taken some offense to your first couple of posts on here, but now that you have taken the time to fully explain what you meant, I see that I shouldn't have felt that way. Listen to me when I say this: I agree with you. (And to others who are reading this, don't think that I am favoring one person's advice over another's. I just think that Elastic was able to express her words in an easy-to-understand manner for me. I agree with parts of others' posts as well, but I don't have time to quote everyone![:D]) I know that my girlfriend needs time to heal, and she needs support, and if I can't support her, then yes, I do understand that I should back off and let her have some time to sort things out. But I know in my heart I can continue to support her without faltering.

And I also wanted to clear something up that I probably said the wrong way earlier:
When I say that God has changed my heart and my view toward my girlfriend, I am saying that I can now see her as pure in Christ; I don't devalue her and I don't look down on her AT ALL. I know it was not her fault as well. I am NOT saying that I am done dealing with this whole entire situation. I am still going to be in prayer about how to support her every step of the way. I am not saying that I expect it to be a cakewalk from here on out; I know that sexual abuse has deep roots, and they are very, very difficult to deal with. I have been praying about it, and I feel that God has been preparing me for the continuance of support that she needs.



deermousie -> RE: How To View The Molested? (5/1/2008 6:03:09 PM)

My warm thanks to those of you with gracious words. (((Hugs))) Keep on keeping on, Amherst; you're a fine young man and I'm pleased to have made your acquaintance.

- Deermousie



landabee -> RE: How To View The Molested? (5/1/2008 7:16:20 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Amherst

Hey everyone,
Someone I am very close to recently stepped out in faith and bravely told me that she was molested from ages 7 to 12. I talked with her extensively about it, and I have been praying for her a lot since she told me.


Hello, Amherst. [:)]

I first read this thread about three hours ago. It has taken me this long to figure out how to word the ideas that I'd like to convey to you. I think that the young lady felt "safe" telling you her history of abuse, and that speaks a lot for the relationship. I know that you'd like to avoid the age issue... but at times it is unavoidable. Often life experiences, coupled with maturity bear an impact on one's ability to appropriately respond to serious and stressful situations.

Your relationship is intimate enough that the two of you are discussing sexual issues. Please tread carefully. Besides the encouragement in the Word to not wake certain feelings early, it must be taken into consideration that for the sexual abuse victim....through no fault of their own at times awakened sexuality may be a result. (No, I am not accusing... just stating a fact)

I am encouraged that as a man of God you have been praying about the situation. I commend you.

quote:



My problem is that it's hard for me to view her as untouched and special now. I feel like she has marks left on her, and it's extremely difficult for me to see her as pure in Christ.
Please understand that I am NOT trying to make my problem seem more important than hers. I can't even begin to imagine what it's like for her to live with those scars day after day.



The young woman is NOT untouched. However, as a child of God she is pure. I understand how concerned and perhaps disappointed you may feel. (Although I do not believe that anyone has a right to expect a "pristine" mate... but that is a whole 'nother thread. [;)] )

You are right to acknowledge that you cannot know what it is like to be her. But what you CAN know is that she entrusted you with this painful information.

quote:


I am just asking you what you think I should do about my views toward her. I know it wasn't her fault that she was violated, but thinking about it makes me devalue her mentally. What can I do about this?


I bolded a word that I'd like to ask you to define within your heart of hearts. I think of the filthy sins that I have committed, mind you that I CHOSE to commit and am humbled that I was in no way devalued by my Lord. She did not CHOOSE this.

Should you and this young woman decide to build a future together, I'd like to point out that the enemy loves to remind us of painful experiences. He is a liar and will try to load us up with false guilt.

The young woman NEEDS a man that will love her as Christ loves us. She NEEDS a man that will speak louder than the whispers of the enemy that she is indeed valuable, loved and cherished without restraint (or taint).

That is a tall order for anyone.

It is my prayer that she is in and/or has received HEALTHY counseling that does not cause her to further believe the lies of her guilt, shame and damage.

DaveW quite openly and clearly showed the work, pain and love involved in such a delicate situation. My hope would be that you understand that it isn't a one time "dealing" with it. It is a vigilance against triggers and memories that seek to destroy her emotionally and spiritually and relationally that is ongoing, at times for years for some victims.

Again, your age/maturity may or may not be able to competently and consistently support this young woman. Much prayer is needed.

May God bless and keep you and this dear woman.



Amherst -> RE: How To View The Molested? (5/1/2008 7:40:52 PM)

landabee, thank you for your thoughtful response.
I have thought about what you said, and I understand the points you made.
Thank you so much for pointing out specific things that I can pray about!



Amherst -> RE: How To View The Molested? (5/1/2008 7:46:23 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: landabee

It is my prayer that she is in and/or has received HEALTHY counseling that does not cause her to further believe the lies of her guilt, shame and damage.


I am actually praying that she will tell her parents about this, because she hasn't yet. Once they know, they will hopefully be able to set her up with a Christian counselor.



buckifn -> RE: How To View The Molested? (5/1/2008 8:06:18 PM)

quote:

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kat_D

quote:

ORIGINAL: buckifn

quote:

I find it strange that you feel more justified in your words by saying that, "it's something that he doesn't want to hear," as if that means you're speaking in love and wisdom and compassion.

You and a couple others have definately slammed him and have not been at all helpful. You react in emotion and criticalness and that isn't helpful either.

_____________________________

I don't think personal attacks are allowed here.

Sometimes the little red hand at the bottom of the posts comes in very handy! Once we press it, we don't have to see the personal attacks any longer. I just love that feature!


Yeah, I've had to use it a time or two myself!



me too...and I did NOT say all those things it looks like are a quote from me.



landabee -> RE: How To View The Molested? (5/1/2008 8:10:29 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Amherst

quote:

ORIGINAL: landabee

It is my prayer that she is in and/or has received HEALTHY counseling that does not cause her to further believe the lies of her guilt, shame and damage.


I am actually praying that she will tell her parents about this, because she hasn't yet. Once they know, they will hopefully be able to set her up with a Christian counselor.


1. Her parents must be made aware.
2. The crime committed against her must be reported to the authorities.



Amherst -> RE: How To View The Molested? (5/1/2008 8:20:03 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: landabee

quote:

ORIGINAL: Amherst

quote:

ORIGINAL: landabee

It is my prayer that she is in and/or has received HEALTHY counseling that does not cause her to further believe the lies of her guilt, shame and damage.


I am actually praying that she will tell her parents about this, because she hasn't yet. Once they know, they will hopefully be able to set her up with a Christian counselor.


1. Her parents must be made aware.
2. The crime committed against her must be reported to the authorities.


Okay, I was not aware of #2. I will urge her to tell her parents about this and I will pray that they will be very understanding.



delete123 -> RE: How To View The Molested? (5/1/2008 10:03:24 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: deermousie
I think some of you owe this young man an apology.


DeerMousie~
Nope I owe no one an apology.

I am addressing this to you and hopefully you will understand my stance.
My abuse started when I was 10 y/o and I will not go into details or state how long the abuse lasted.
However when I told my mother when I was 13y/o she chose to turn a blind eye and then I suffered additional abuse from her.
She called us ungodly names (Yes I have two sisters) but because of an aftermath of an illness I was the main target.

Like someone posted earlier, the best kept secret and you believe everyone knows your scarlet letter. Even though most don't. I say most because the ones who know it are the other perpertraitors from different relationships. They know the victims and use it to continue their abuse.

I married a man who used my abuse as his ticket. I won't go into details, however he used those 3 little words to manipulate and control me for his purpose, yet never touch me intimately as I was some horrible defiled person. Yeah ya know the damaged goods!

I broke down about 10 years ago, totally broken after a well intentioned christian who didn't even know me, judged me and even said I was not in God's will. This person didn't even know me, but everything I did was wrong in God's eyes. (Not to mention all the other stuff that was transpiring)

Well bringing this up to show you God's great mercy and grace. I gave birth to my son 2 years ago and couldn't figure why God would burden such an innocent child with a woman who is a child trapped in an adult body.

It was the last thing I remembered saying to Him, "Will anyone accept me the way I am?"
His answer is Yes, he gave me my son, something pure and unconditionally, that can only love right now the way God does. He doesn't see anything wrong with me and freely gives me hugs.

As well intentioned as the o/p may appear in 1 hr and 20 minutes can not have seen the light, that frees him from his original statement. She is damaged!
Yeah but she is damaged because of someone else's sins that may take her a life time to heal from.

Yes we are all sinner and my scarlet letter is written in Christ blood and no longer says Abuse, it says: Atoned

CRH



Amherst -> RE: How To View The Molested? (5/2/2008 12:14:24 AM)

crh737, thank you for taking your time to explain where you're coming from, as it helps us understand why you say the things you say.

However, I absolutely do not appreciate your accusation that I could not have "seen the light" in such a short amount of time. God and I are the ONLY ones who know my heart, and it's not your place to say if I have changed my heart or not. You have no basis for your argument, because you don't know me, and you don't know what my relationship with God is like. I'm sure you would be extremely offended if I acted like I knew your innermost feelings.



Hislittleone -> RE: How To View The Molested? (5/2/2008 1:17:15 AM)

Amherst, I've been following your thread and wanted to say that I think you have truly good intentions here. It is admirable that you are mature enough to know when you're in over your head and to seek Christian advice.

As far as your original question goes, I view someone who's been molested as someone who has been wounded. I was molested once as a child (under 12) and attacked as a teenager. This is a serious, extremely emotionally charged issue (as I'm sure you can see). I think that everyone has offered something of value here......some gave you a glimpse into the depth of their pain, others gave you wise counsel from a different perspective, and someone gave counsel as the husband of a former victim. Please try not to be offended by some of the more strongly worded posts here. I don't think that anyone really meant harm.

Some have suggested you end the relationship if you can't change the way you see your gf. If you do that, please wait a little while and be careful not to give her the impression that you are breaking up with her because of what she told you. Then she may feel that you thought she was too bad or not worthy of being your gf, kwim?

I do hope that she gets some good Christian counseling and contacts the authorities. Whoever molested her is/has most likely been molesting other young girls as well. He/she must be stopped!!!

Is your gf close to her parents? Is she able to go to them with serious stuff like this....able to talk freely with them? I just worry about their reaction. Hopefully they will be loving and supportive....encouraging her to go to counseling and reassuring her over and over that this wasn't her fault. How do you think they would react to this? Would they be supportive?

As others have mentioned, your gf will be dealing with this in one way or another for the rest of her life. It's been about 16 years since I was attacked and I still suffer from PTSD. It's a long hard road to recovery but it's not impossible. It's just hard. So if you are in this for the long haul you need to make sure you're completely willing to take on the responsibility of loving her as Christ loves the Church....without reservation, offering healing and hope and unconditional love. As you can see from DaveW's post it's not easy and there's no quick fix so be SURE.

May God bless you for caring enough to seek advise on how to handle this. Your gf is a precious daughter of God who has been seriously wounded. [&o] I will keep you and her in my prayers.



DaveW -> RE: How To View The Molested? (5/2/2008 6:36:28 AM)

quote:

Some have suggested you end the relationship if you can't change the way you see your gf. If you do that, please wait a little while and be careful not to give her the impression that you are breaking up with her because of what she told you. Then she may feel that you thought she was too bad or not worthy of being your gf, kwim?
This is so true. She feels bad enough; dumping her will only add to that. If you have a hard time, that is ok. You and the Lord need to work thru that. Keep it between you and God. She trusted you enough to let you know the HUGE ugly secret she can't even tell her parents. Do not betray that trust.
quote:

I do hope that she .... contacts the authorities. Whoever molested her is/has most likely been molesting other young girls as well. He/she must be stopped!!!
Agreed. DW did not tell her parents so by the time I found out the statute of limitations had already expired. Her abuser years later ended up doing hard time for abusing his own daughters.
quote:

Is your gf close to her parents? Is she able to go to them with serious stuff like this....able to talk freely with them? I just worry about their reaction. Hopefully they will be loving and supportive....encouraging her to go to counseling and reassuring her over and over that this wasn't her fault.
She absolutely needs the support of her parents and good biblical counseling - NOT judgement from any of those or you.

Pray and pray some more and encourage her to tell her parents. Do some research and find if there are good counselors in your area.

OH - and this is really important - DO NOT PUT PRESSURE on her to tell or to go to counseling. She has already been forced to do stuff she did not want to, and even a small amount of pressure can trigger all kinds of negative feelings. You can only suggest it in a non-threatening way.



buckifn -> RE: How To View The Molested? (5/2/2008 6:57:58 AM)

am

here is a website you may want to check out- click on the "get information " option

http://www.rainn.org/


here is a link to a forum that helps understand molestation victims and offers support for you

http://www.way2hope.org/family-forums/index.php?showforum=8


also here are a few points that may help and the rest of the information can be read here
http://www.newhopenow.org/ask/granddaughter.html

Restore self-esteem. Survivors of traumas often have their self-esteem assaulted by what’s called “survivor’s guilt.” They may think, “Why did I make it through okay and other’s didn’t?” Or, “I deserved this. God is punishing me.” Or, “I should’ve been able to stop this.” While there are certainly things to learn from a trauma, it is not the fault of the survivor. Natural disasters and accidents happen and we can’t control them. Abusive people do terrible things they shouldn’t do and their victims are caught helpless or unsuspecting and are not to blame. Survivor’s need to let go of guilt and be reminded that they are loved and valuable.

Regain self-confidence. Survivors need to develop new coping skills to deal with the trauma and it’s symptoms and to reclaim their life. They need encouragement to keep trying and they need support when they feel overwhelmed and when they fail. Their self-confidence will come back as they find the strength to face their fears and prove to themselves that they can function - they can trust again; they can work and achieve; they can live a normal and happy life again.

Resume a normal lifestyle. It’s important for survivor’s to return to their friends, job, school, church, hobbies, and routines. Don’t give in to defensive reactions to isolate from people or avoid activities. Hiding is dangerous and leads to increasing fears, continuing pain, and declining self-esteem and self-confidence. Getting support and staying active will keep survivors on the path of recovery.

Rekindle faith. God cares and can help. The Scriptures promise, “The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.” “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 9:9, 34:18). Hang onto God. Talk to him about how you feel, even if you’re angry at him about what happened. Ask for his help in your recovery and use the aid he’s provided in the Bible and in the church.



laura... -> RE: How To View The Molested? (5/2/2008 10:36:09 AM)

Amherst,

I was sexually abused from the age of about 8 until almost 18. I can completely understand your initial reaction to your friend's disclosure. It's a normal reaction. I also want to tell you that I absolutely believe that God can and has changed your heart in an hour and 23 minutes. He can change your heart in a moment. Sometimes it just takes talking it out or, in this case, writing it out to change one's perspective.

The sexual abuse I suffered did not make me the only victim. It has impacted everybody who loves me and cares for me. My first husband was devastated by it and ultimately it contributed to the destruction of that marriage. Let me warn you that as her friend you need to guard against bitterness towards her abuser and draw on God to walk in forgiveness. My now, wonderful husband's heart broke when I told him of the abuse. Even though I am years and years past the abuse and God has wonderfully healed me it still hurt him because he loves me. My husband still needs to guard against unforgiveness towards my abuser.

If you are the first person that she has told, God has given you a great privilege and a trust. No, you can't fix it. No, you cannot be her "hero". But, you can help her to walk the path that must be walked. The first step on that path is disclosure. She must tell her parents. You can offer to be there with her when she does. Or, you can encourage her to tell a counselor, pastor or another adult family member who can help her talk to her parents.



Amherst -> RE: How To View The Molested? (5/2/2008 1:46:19 PM)

I am very grateful for everyone's help in this matter. A few of you have recently brought up little details that are important, and they've never occurred to me before. And thank you, buckfin, for those links. I am in prayer about all of this, and I trust that God will be with her every step of the way.

And a note for future posters:
I will be reading this thread after new posts are made, but I will probably not respond to them. If I did respond to them, it would probably be redundant "thank you's" or something of the sort. So just know that if you post here, I will read it and take your advice seriously, but you probably won't hear back from me. Just a head's up for you.



NotDoneYet -> RE: How To View The Molested? (5/4/2008 1:12:41 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Amherst

Hey everyone,
Someone I am very close to recently stepped out in faith and bravely told me that she was molested from ages 7 to 12. I talked with her extensively about it, and I have been praying for her a lot since she told me.
My problem is that it's hard for me to view her as untouched and special now. I feel like she has marks left on her, and it's extremely difficult for me to see her as pure in Christ.
Please understand that I am NOT trying to make my problem seem more important than hers. I can't even begin to imagine what it's like for her to live with those scars day after day.
I am just asking you what you think I should do about my views toward her. I know it wasn't her fault that she was violated, but thinking about it makes me devalue her mentally. What can I do about this?

I think that if you are "Devaluing" her mentally due to something she had NO way to avoid, then YOU are the problem.
You don't realize what the survivors go through, the shame they feel.
I think you need to go to her and ask her forgiveness for how you've viewed her and take some time to rethink your horrible judgemental attitude.



AcidArmageddon -> RE: How To View The Molested? (5/6/2008 9:35:40 AM)

WOW!!!! I can't believe what I've been reading. This guy comes in asking for help, and you all bas hthe CRUD out of him. He said he saw the error of his thinking and that Jesus was in his heart but all you guys did was keep being JERKS. I mean, my gosh. He says he changed his heart and crh737 totally hit him over the head with a baseball bat, telling him to leave. C'mon! We are CHRISTIANS not rowdy children. He had an error in his judgement, don't be a jerk, help him. Other example: buckifn commented WAY after Amherst said he saw the error in his thinking. He was basically being a jerk also. I mean COME ON were CHRISTIANS stop bashing the guy. He just wanted help and you all bash him to pieces with your rantings of anger and stuff. I'm slightly ashamed. Give the guy a break.......... elastic, what you said about not being able to understand in that short amount of time, thats your OPINION. If God could make the Earth in such a short time, then he could surely change the heart of a praying christian in a short time.

I mean, yes, people need to hear both sides of ther story, but leave the anger and spite OUT of it. If you can't do that, don't post.

Sorry, just had to say that cause I'm sick of seeing people bash each other on this site based on disagreements.



Kat_D -> RE: How To View The Molested? (5/6/2008 10:03:31 AM)

quote:

Sorry, just had to say that cause I'm sick of seeing people bash each other on this site based on disagreements.

[sm=aside.gif]

Never ceases to amaze me when someone goes off on other posters and in doing so, does exactly the same thing he is accusing them of doing.

Acid, first of all, this thread is about the OP's aversion to someone who was molested through no fault of her own. Some, who have experienced sexual abuse find that kind of attitude difficult to take and that's their prerogative. They are allowed to express their reactions to the OP as long as they don't go against TOS, which apparently no one has. Secondly, you have no way of knowing whether or not God is using some of those things that you consider "bashing" in the OP's life.

As I said before, let's leave it to the OP and the Lord. If there is truth in any of the posts, and the OP is truly seeking the Lord in this, God will be faithful to show him what he should receive and what he can ignore. You know, "iron sharpens iron" and all that!



elastic -> RE: How To View The Molested? (5/6/2008 11:17:31 AM)

quote:

Sorry, just had to say that cause I'm sick of seeing people bash each other on this site based on disagreements.



quote:

but all you guys did was keep being JERKS.


quote:

buckifn commented WAY after Amherst said he saw the error in his thinking. He was basically being a jerk also.



i think it's ironic that you detest people "bashing" each other, yet you called several people "jerks". name calling is a TOS violation by the way. please don't do it again.

quote:

elastic, what you said about not being able to understand in that short amount of time, thats your OPINION.


yes, it is my opinion....and as opinions are the nature of message boards, if you have problems with opinions, perhaps you should find alternate websites, as this forum is chock full of opinions. nobody is holding a gun to your head....if you don't like an opinion, ignore it.

if you had continued to read, you would see where Amherst and I came to an agreement...seems like you are jumping in here out of anger yourself.

[8|][8|][8|][8|][8|][8|][8|][8|]



DenimDiva -> RE: How To View The Molested? (5/6/2008 11:19:37 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kat_D

quote:

Sorry, just had to say that cause I'm sick of seeing people bash each other on this site based on disagreements.

[sm=aside.gif]

Never ceases to amaze me when someone goes off on other posters and in doing so, does exactly the same thing he is accusing them of doing.


I had the same thoughts.



delete123 -> RE: How To View The Molested? (5/6/2008 6:55:18 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: AcidArmageddon

WOW!!!! I can't believe what I've been reading. This guy comes in asking for help, and you all bas hthe CRUD out of him. He said he saw the error of his thinking and that Jesus was in his heart but all you guys did was keep being JERKS. I mean, my gosh. He says he changed his heart and crh737 totally hit him over the head with a baseball bat, telling him to leave. C'mon! We are CHRISTIANS not rowdy children. He had an error in his judgement, don't be a jerk, help him. Other example: buckifn commented WAY after Amherst said he saw the error in his thinking. He was basically being a jerk also. I mean COME ON were CHRISTIANS stop bashing the guy. He just wanted help and you all bash him to pieces with your rantings of anger and stuff. I'm slightly ashamed. Give the guy a break.......... elastic, what you said about not being able to understand in that short amount of time, thats your OPINION. If God could make the Earth in such a short time, then he could surely change the heart of a praying christian in a short time.

I mean, yes, people need to hear both sides of ther story, but leave the anger and spite OUT of it. If you can't do that, don't post.

Sorry, just had to say that cause I'm sick of seeing people bash each other on this site based on disagreements.

You talk about posters being unchrist like, well you haven't even read all the post to make your references.
Do you have an validity to even post under here? Do you have any experience of being abused?
And who are you? Pastor, Counselor, Victims Parent?
I Would like an answer, since you so profoundly come on here abasing posters as politically or unchristianly incorrect.

In your post don't forget to consider you bashed me, simply because you do not understand my post or reason for what I have stated.
CRH



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