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RE: Magdaleine's Alabaster Atrium - 7/4/2008 8:44:18 AM
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Doveflight
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I feel sorry for your frustration with your daughter Pengie. It is very very hard to get teens to take chronic meds. My son balked at about the same time. He said he wanted to be like everyone else and not depend on drugs. Another friends son did the same thing with his depression meds. My friends son (about 23/24 now) sunk into a deep depression and made the self realization that he needs it and I believe is taking responsbility for it now. I know my son is not taking his meds, he is now 19. His crisis will come at some random sporadic time without warning, the consequence will be ER visits and additional medication besides what he is to be taking regularly.
I would be firm with consequences with your daughter's behavior and be realistic with her own frustrations. Putting the responsibility on her. Even my younger daughter tries to go without her meds and puts so much effort into trying to behave so I don't know. I tell her she is still responsible for her behavior and it is so much easier for her if she is taking her meds than without. There are natural consequences to everything and at 16 we can still be very firm with expectations. I took my hands off son pretty much when he turned 18. When he has a flare up I remind him of what meds will help him or the benefits of taking regular meds and then drop it.
This site is very good with verbal and natural responses to poor choices:
Love and Logic
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If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I am made for another world. C.S. Lewis
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RE: Magdaleine's Alabaster Atrium - 7/4/2008 8:46:11 AM
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Doveflight
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Sorry it is a .com
Love and Logic
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If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I am made for another world. C.S. Lewis
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RE: Magdaleine's Alabaster Atrium - 7/4/2008 10:25:45 AM
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humbleinspirit
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Good morning everyone!
HAPPY BELATED CANADA DAY MAGGIE!!!
Also, I hope you are having fun at the camp also!
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RE: Magdaleine's Alabaster Atrium - 7/4/2008 1:01:12 PM
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magdaleine
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Pengie, I'm glad you have you CPAP. I like the hydration idea. I don't have that on mine. I can't imagine trying to force a teenager to take her meds. Not fun.
Dove, I like the advice you gave. The hands off your eldest is good too. There comes a time when they have to be making their own choices completely independently and starting that while he's still at home gives him a good buffer as he learns.
Thanks for the belated Canada Day wishes, Mike.
Happy Independence Day, all my American friends! I hope you all have a great day.
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Maggie
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RE: Magdaleine's Alabaster Atrium - 7/4/2008 1:47:46 PM
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magdaleine
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Oh! My mouth is doing a lot better today, thankfully.
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Maggie
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RE: Magdaleine's Alabaster Atrium - 7/4/2008 5:22:21 PM
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humbleinspirit
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Hi Maggie, you're online! I thought that you would be away for the week!?
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RE: Magdaleine's Alabaster Atrium - 7/5/2008 12:22:25 PM
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cherish405
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Maggie, I hope you have a great trip away. Good to hear your mouth is doing better.
Pengie, hopefully your daughter will start taking her meds again soon. Not easy on you.
Shaunii, I hope you hear soon about the job. Sounds promising.
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*** My name is Trish and I'm His daughter, desirous and glorious in His sight ***
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RE: Magdaleine's Alabaster Atrium - 7/6/2008 1:10:49 AM
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Queen_of_Hearts
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(((((((maggs))))))
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† Cynthia Joy †
Experience: that most brutal of teachers.
But you learn, my God do you learn.
C.S. Lewis
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RE: Magdaleine's Alabaster Atrium - 7/6/2008 1:12:29 AM
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humbleinspirit
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Hi Queenie, how have you been?
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RE: Magdaleine's Alabaster Atrium - 7/6/2008 4:59:46 PM
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Doveflight
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My husband and I transferred property from one house to the other. I had men from my church along with my pastor to help. They kept everything on a very even keel and husband and I worked separately in different parts of the home. Much was accomplished in little time other than a few boxes that need yet to be packed and moved. I was very disconcerted to see upon returning home that he took the opportunity to load everything that was junk to be hauled to the dump on to the trucks to return to my address. I think that was quite low because he had the truck to take it to the dump himself with very little fee and now I must pay the maintenance disposal to haul it away. Just another way he takes advantage of me and my situation. A friend asked his wife when someone has cancer people go out of their way to make life easy for them don't they? Why is he doing this stuff? Who knows (Shrug). I'm just not going to let it get to me.
A friend who does caprenty is finishing my son's bedroom and my brother will come by to finish the minor plumbing and electrical that never was finished. Then we can settle in and there should be very little business to tend to between us other than the children -- which is a big thing actually, but easier when all the other stress is resolved and a non issue.
_____________________________
If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I am made for another world. C.S. Lewis
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RE: Magdaleine's Alabaster Atrium - 7/9/2008 3:01:10 PM
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slushie
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Hey Maggie! I'm back!
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RE: Magdaleine's Alabaster Atrium - 7/9/2008 3:03:02 PM
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slushie
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Maggie, did you go on a trip?
I did talk to the leader person. He saw me and then he started laughing nervously, then he said, "I really really messed up." It was funny. He did tell me that next year I would be a small group leader. The funny thing was that my name was still posted up as a small group leader. They didn't bother to take it down so I got confused.
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RE: Magdaleine's Alabaster Atrium - 7/12/2008 12:49:43 AM
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magdaleine
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quote:
Hi Maggie, you're online! I thought that you would be away for the week!?
Hey Mike! I think I signed off to leave just about the time you were writing that.
Hi Trish, Cynthia and Ray!
Dove, I'm glad you've gotten some things taken care of and now out of the way. I agree. It was VERY low of your husband to do what he did.
At camp was a woman whose husband announced last September that he was leaving but he hasn't left yet. The intended date is this September. I can't imagine anyone doing something like that. How difficult to live with that hanging over for you for a year! The woman is now very worried about how she will manage financially but she at least realizes that it's time to let him go and not fight to keep him with her. They have two sons who are both very high special needs. It is her birthday today and she knew that there would be no celebration for her. The man is abusive not only emotionally and mentally but physically and her kids are so afraid of their dad that they are afraid to say in the up-coming court appearance for custody that they don't want to spend more than one day a month with him. They're afraid what he would do to them if they did so, in their fear, they're saying they want to spend equal time with their parents. How sad! I'm hoping I can stay in touch to encourage her in whatever ways I can.
Welcome back, Slushie! I'm glad you found humour in your situation and the leader's response. I hope they keep their promise about next year. Do you want to share anything about the conference you attended? And yes, I went on a trip. More later.
But this is a good place to tell a follow up to the story I told you before you left. Remember how I told about being kicked out of a program that I had hoped to become a leader in? Well, there is a church that runs the same program on its own. They are smaller but completely independent of the other group. I happened to meet the leader of that today at a funeral. I had met him several years ago and apparently he had wanted to connect with me but had no way to get hold of me so was delighted that I went up to him and introduced myself. I wants to meet to see if I might be a good candidate to help him and his wife run this program. I'd love to do that, though I told him that I would like him to speak to the leader of the other group to get his version of why I was kicked out. So I guess I'll wait and see what happens.
There is so much to tell about that I don't think I have time tonight. Suffice to say for now that I had a wonderful time. For those who, like Slushie, missed that I was going away, dh and I went to a small family camp in the Whiteshell Provincial Park. The park is many hundred square miles on the eastern border of Manitoba and is completely covered with forest and lakes. The camp was full with 50 guests last weekend, half of those were kids from two years up to 15. Many people couldn't stay the whole week, however, so there were only 24 of us by the end of the week. It wasn't a large group but that was nice because it was easy to get to know everyone and spend time with them all. Most people I already knew from my former church or from other times at that camp.
My ds4 just came online to chat with me from Malaysia, so I may as well write a bit more while I'm chatting with him.
Dh was camp cook and I often haven't gone when he's gone but I was attracted by the speaker this time--a man who used to be an associate pastor at the church I used to attend. It's been a long time since I've seen much of him but have wanted to get to know his wife a bit better and I accomplished that this week, for which I was glad.
The sessions were good--focussed on 1 John. It was a good thing I took my computer because the speaker planned to use powerpoint slides but didn't realize that he would need an adapter between the projector and his computer because it is a Mac. There was someone else with a PC computer so for the first half of the week he ran the slides through his machine but he was one of the ones who left early, at which time my computer was put to work. I have never worked with Power Point or a projector before but it was fun to learn and I'm glad I had the chance.
Each day was very relaxed. Breakfast at 9:00, session at 10:30 for an hour to an hour and a half, lunch at 12:30 and then the rest of the day to do whatever you wanted. There were options in the afternoon and evening if you wanted: hiking, skiing, tubing, canoeing, swimming, puzzles, board games and so on. In the evenings there were things like movies, karaoke, volleyball, talent night, etc. I skipped most of those group activities but tried to be sociable on a smaller scale--spending my afternoons in the main lodge reading or using my computer until someone came around who was interested in talking. I played a game of Scrabble with a university math professor who seems to have the Scrabble dictionary memorized and lost miserably. But when we played a Bible Trivia game I was acknowledged as the master in that even though, in the end, I lost. Sigh.
Something interesting happened. A good chunk of 1 John, which we were studying at camp, is talking about how, if you claim to be a Christian but don't love fellow Christians, you're a liar. John talks about other signs of whether you're a Christian or not but my story is focussed on this particular thing. Dh seems to always have one person in his life that he hates and is very bitter about. One of the people who manages the camp has become one of those people in the last few years.
She said soemthing to him that I'm quite sure wasn't said in anger or meanness but which he took great offense at. He was so livid I couldn't even stand to be in his presence and went elsewhere. He followed shortly after, wanting to know why I had left and, I guess, to continue venting and sharing his problem with me. we talked for quite a long time, and me not being all that sympathetic to him. After all, we'd been talking about how important loving other Christians is and here he was, doing the very opposite. But he listened to everything I had to say. I was kind and loving about it (at least I tried to be) but also very adamant about the wrongness of his attitude and response to this person. He had a hard time connecting the dots on how to change the way he responds to such things. I tried to explain to him what I've learned in the past 6-7 years--the solution is not to focus on the problem but rather to focus on God and make him your primary focus and when you do that, he begins to make changes in you--but he just couldn't seem to get it.
That was Wednesday evening. This morning (Friday), soon after we got on the highway for the 2-hour drive home, he asked me to tell him about seeking God. I asked him to elaborate but he refused. "Just tell me!" he said. So I did. He actually listened and asked relevant questions that showed he was giving this a lot of thought. I really was quite amazed. I think his anger/hatred/bitterness is a huge barrier in our marriage so it's awesome that he's actually willing to see that he has a problem and is interested in making the needed changes. It's truly an answer to prayer even though I realize it could be several years before the change in this area of his life is significant enough to make a difference in our relationship.
There's more to share but ds4 has logged off for now and I need to get to bed. I'm very, very tired. It's been a long day.
Hugs to you all. It's good to be back.
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Maggie
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RE: Magdaleine's Alabaster Atrium - 7/12/2008 10:15:42 AM
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cherish405
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Dove, I'm so sorry you have to put up with such behaviour from your husband.
Maggie, good to have you back. I'm glad you had such a good time away. I'm looking forward to hearing more about your trip.
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*** My name is Trish and I'm His daughter, desirous and glorious in His sight ***
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RE: Magdaleine's Alabaster Atrium - 7/12/2008 10:47:53 AM
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Doveflight
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quote:
They have two sons who are both very high special needs. It is her birthday today and she knew that there would be no celebration for her. The man is abusive not only emotionally and mentally but physically and her kids are so afraid of their dad that they are afraid to say in the up-coming court appearance for custody that they don't want to spend more than one day a month with him. They're afraid what he would do to them if they did so, in their fear, they're saying they want to spend equal time with their parents. How sad!
Unfortunately fear and guilt is a big part of this process. My two younger ones blame me for daddy not coming home and his being sad. My daughter who he physically and emotionally abused wants her daddy back home. They both profuse with absolute faith he's changed and won't do anything again. At this point they have had such little contact with him for two months that it is hard to remember how horrible it was. My oldest had normalized his behavior to the point that he doesn't know where to place his anger. I wish he'd just blow and get it over with. We are all trying to learn healthier ways to deal with anger. Your friends sons truly need to be honest because once the court makes a decision it is much harder to change and their safety is at stake. I found getting my daughter's medically required professionals on board helped tremendously. If the boys are high special needs documentation that the father does not meet their required needs should hold a great deal of weight.
_____________________________
If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I am made for another world. C.S. Lewis
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RE: Magdaleine's Alabaster Atrium - 7/12/2008 11:00:15 AM
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cherish405
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((((((((((((((((((((DOVE))))))))))))))))))))))))
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*** My name is Trish and I'm His daughter, desirous and glorious in His sight ***
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RE: Magdaleine's Alabaster Atrium - 7/12/2008 4:42:50 PM
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magdaleine
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Hi Trish!
Dove, I think what's happening in your kids' response to their father's absence is normal. It's hard for them to understand the long term implications of their father's behaviour and how damaging it can be to them in the long term. They simply haven't got the tools to comprehend. I know it must be so frustrating and difficult for you. I can even imagine a mother in that sort of situation wondering if she did the right thing in separating from their father.
I agree that my friend's sons need to be honest but fear is a powerful thing. What I'm hoping (and praying for) is that the judge will hear how abusive the father is and hear statements from the mom or the lawyer of the children's fear and do what is best for them despite what the kids request. That's a good thought, though, about getting the children's support people (doctors, therapists, social workers or whatever). I will suggest that to my friend.
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Maggie
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RE: Magdaleine's Alabaster Atrium - 7/13/2008 11:06:55 AM
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cherish405
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Maggie, such a sad situation with your friend and her family. Hopefully one day the sons will realise that their mother did the right thing and the reasoning behind it.
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*** My name is Trish and I'm His daughter, desirous and glorious in His sight ***
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RE: Magdaleine's Alabaster Atrium - 7/13/2008 7:20:14 PM
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magdaleine
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I hope so, Trish.
Today at church was incredible. I want to tell you all about it but I am beat and I don't know if I have the energy. There are so many things I want to share. Sigh.
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Maggie
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RE: Magdaleine's Alabaster Atrium - 7/14/2008 1:14:45 PM
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cherish405
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That's alright Maggie. We can wait.
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*** My name is Trish and I'm His daughter, desirous and glorious in His sight ***
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RE: Magdaleine's Alabaster Atrium - 7/15/2008 1:44:58 PM
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slushie
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I'd love to hear about it as well!
I was away for a week again.... but actually, I was here at home. I just wasn't. Hold on, that's confusing. After I came home from the retreat, I had so much stuff to do! My mom enrolled me in swim lessons and all the little kids were so much younger than I was! It's the most advanced level. At least it's only for 2 weeks. I don't think either of us were expecting that. It's every morning except weekends. But last week, I had to practice for our church's benefit recital, and I had just so much stuff to do!! It was hectic and I got stressed out.
Saturday was the benefit recital. I played 4 songs... 2 with people, and 2 pieces were piano solos. It went great.... more people could have come though. I was exhausted because I had so much to do, but then I'm the type of person who's like, "So busy, so happy! So busy, so happy!" You get the idea, I hope. (And then afterwards I fall asleep) I'm thankful it went well!
The recital was for the China earthquake.
I have to run now, so can someone just post a reminder for me to write about the conference? Thanks!
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RE: Magdaleine's Alabaster Atrium - 7/15/2008 3:01:37 PM
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Doveflight
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Waiting to hear from Maggie and now you, Slushie, updates are wonderful.
I just finished painting oldest son's bedroom. Now his room is all done, after a friend
came to finish the minor carpentry that was left to do. I am so glad he now has a room
to use. We moved his furniture over the other weekend when we moved things from
the old house. I am still sorting and unpacking boxes.
Tomorrow I am looking forward to going to the big local growers market and hope
to find some beets and beans to freeze/can for the winter. I can always get better
prices there but haven't gone because of the gas and distance to drive this summer
Am splitting the gas with a friend so we both can go.
_____________________________
If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I am made for another world. C.S. Lewis
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RE: Magdaleine's Alabaster Atrium - 7/15/2008 3:21:32 PM
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slushie
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That's cool... was it hard to paint the bedroom? Did you do it all by yourself?
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RE: Magdaleine's Alabaster Atrium - 7/15/2008 8:02:59 PM
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magdaleine
Posts: 4622
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Slushie, I'm glad your recital went well. Four songs? Good for you! No wonder you were busy last week! You had a lot of practicing and preparation to do. The two that you played with, what were the instruments? What kind of music did you play?
Consider this a reminder to write about the conference you were at.
Dove, it's so good to hear about all the work you're doing because it shows that you have increased strength and thus better well-being. That's awesome. Did you get to the market? I love beets and don't eat them often enough.
Dh is watching the news. One of the lengthy news items is about a sexual assault that happened downtown in broad view and broad daylight yesterday or today. I realize from what they're describing that what happened to me more than three decades ago was the same thing. But I didn't know enough to report it to the police and anyone I might have told (I think my dh though I can't remember if we were married at the time yet or not) wasn't concerned enough to do anything about it. I'm glad that more awareness is being made about things like this these days. It will help victims to realize that there is something that can be done when they're assaulted.
On to something better. Within a span of two days I attended a funeral and then a wedding. Aside from the fact that one is about death and the other about new life, the two events couldn't have been more different.
The funeral was for a man, 84 years old, that dh and I have known since before our wedding. In fact, he spoke at our wedding. He was one of the elders and preachers at the church where I raised my kids and a very good man. Born in India and educated as a lawyer in England, he and his wife worked with a mission organization in two different African countries before coming to Canada. Here he was made dean of the law school, to which he made a number of significant changes--moving it to the university, having its own building built, recruiting many more professors to teach and developing the curriculum. When he retired many years later he continued to teach. In fact he was still teaching when he died and was greatly loved by his students. He was also Chair of the Law Reform Commission and Chair of a number of national and international mission boards.
The large church was overflowing and even the basement was put into commission for all the guests (who would hear but not see down there). The Lieutenant-Governor (equivalent, I think, to your state governor) was in attendance with his aide-de-camp along with other notables from the law community. It was very interesting to hear the eulogy given by one of the lawyers because I got to see a side I never knew of this man. I never realized how packed his life was. The lawyer said that they all wondered how he had time for all the mission boards he was on. When his son gave a second eulogy, I learned that he was also the one who took his four sons to school each morning and did other things for the family that most men only half as busy as he, would leave to their wives.
One highlight of the funeral was all the people from my former church were there. It was like a big reunion as we gathered for the reception at the faculty lounge in the law school. Some of them I haven't seen for years. The funeral started at two and we didn't get home till sometime between 6:30 and 7:00. I think we were one of the last to leave and my feet were terribly sore from being squeezed into dress shoes.
Contrast that with the wedding two days later. It was a simple affair, conducted as part of the Sunday morning church service. We had sung only two songs when we were presented with a voiceless drama. It began with a woman dancing and interacting with God—him giving her good things and her receiving them with pleasure. But then Satan or evil came along with a rose in his hand and she was lured from God. After Satan came a multitude of evil, each personified by someone with whom she danced—alcohol, drugs, prostitution, bulimia and death/suicide complete with knife and blood flowing down his arms. It was incredibly powerful and by the time death came to dance and offered the knife to her wrists and arms I was crying. Then she began to realize her need for God and tried to reach out to him but he was separated from her by all these other things and she found it hard to get past them. Finally she reached God and he stood between her and all the others that fought with him to reach her. When she finally embraced God all the others fell dead to the ground.
We sang a few more songs that spoke to this drama and what God has done for us and while we sang, a groom and his attendants came to the front, followed by two bridesmaids. The bride came to the front in a simple, white, floor-length gown with spaghetti straps while "Here Comes the Bride" was played on guitar. The groom and one of his attendants were in black suits but the second attendant wore a brown, plaid shirt under a black hunter's vest and hanging out over his black pants.
The pastor introduced the couple by saying that THEY are the story of the drama. Reading between the lines, he used to be a crack dealer who lived with and severely abused her for five years. She was a crack addict and probably a prostitute as well. They both have been to hell and back. The pastor said that they each finally heard God say, "I created you for more than this," and allowed God to turn their pain into redemption. He talked about how now, when the groom gets really angry, instead of blowing up, he goes for a walk and lets God cool him off and the bride, lost in a world to please others, has learned to say "No!" It was a very moving service as he used their former and current lives and the changes that have occurred to illustrate God's redemptive power. When he presented the couple to the congregation, everyone rose in applause.
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Maggie
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