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gengwall -> RE: Question for the dad type guys.... (5/6/2008 4:40:27 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: imaduh
My dad is stubborn, very much so. But i would also be lying if i said he didnt have a good reason to be upset. But, on the same hand it annoys me that he seems to be completely unable to see me as anything but a lil kid. I realize that im 15, not 25 but still. We have ALWAYS been very close and he has always trusted me. A little to much maybe, but now it seems like we have reverted back in a huge way. The last few months have been awful, for both of us, and in a way i think i take things out on him and cop a tude with him simply because i know in the end he will always be there. Stupid, yes. But its the truth. As far as Godly sorrow, im somewhat torn. Yes, i'm sorry. But more so because i miss the way my life was than anything else.
LOL - well, let me tell you, you both seem pretty normal to me.
Here's the deal on treating you like a kid. Oh, before I start, are you an only child or do you have siblings? Younger or older? A lot of things depend on whether this is the first time through for him or not.
Anyway, back to treating you like a kid. I am fixin' to write a lot here. Sorry - but your situation speaks volumes to me and requires volumes in response.
There is a reason why adolescence is hell for many parents and their children. The period is a transition between childhood and adulthood. I am going to say this without bolding or capitalizing or any other emphasis but I want you to understand how very serious I am. Parent's spend many days and nights struggling with how to balance the need to let you learn and grow with the desire to protect you from what they know. This is truly gut wrentching stuff. Seriously, teens don't get it because they think things like "it will never happen to me" and "my parents just don't understand me" and they decide because of their one-sided view that their parents are either stupid, nuts, or don't care. All the while, their parents are in fact in agony trying to figure out how to deal not only with the raging hormones of adolescence but a culture that has declared war on both parents and their teens. I can not express enough in words how hard this is as a parent. Some day, probably, you will know. That day will be for you both a blessing (for the children you have) and a curse (for the strain parenting puts on you). What a teen needs to reassure themself of is one simple thing - despite how screwy we seem and how bad we screw things up, we are truly motivated only by our love for you and our desire for the best in your life. Too often, that results in "because I said so" directives which you don't understand and which cause you to rebel. But I will let you in on a little secret. "Because I said so" really, typically, means one of two things: the situation is too urgent and there is too little time to explain to you what I understand about it; or, my experience with this is too horrific to share with you. Unfortunately, what most teens believe "Because I said so" means is that the parent is too lazy or uncaring to explain. But I tell you with all sincerity that is the exception, not the rule.
That brings me to the reality that most teens have to come to grips with. Yes, you are transitioning to adulthood but you ain't there yet and you aren't ready emotionally or physically to deal with it. Not only do you not have the experience to claim "it won't happen to me", it is a scientific fact that your brains have not developed the critical decision making skills to even make an objective, healthy, decision on what ever "it" is. Sorry, but them's the facts. A great deal of teen "'tude" comes from the false sense that they "have it all together". As Arnold might say, "hear me now and believe me later", you don't have it all together - that is a delusion triggered by a combination of rampaging hormones and input from equally delusional peers. The "believe me later" part will come when you are 20 something. I call it the "aha!" moment. It is that point in time, probably in the middle of the night, where you break out in a cold sweat from the sudden understanding of where your parents were coming from, what they meant, and most importantly, that they really were right. Don't worry, it isn't fatal, and actually is the mark of someone who has truly made it to adulthood...which is good. The bible, of course, describes this moment more eloquently:
1 Corinthians 13:11 - When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.
Until then, there will always be a little bit of the little kid in you, and depending on how much you manifest the child self, you will be treated accordingly.
Your particular situation is compounded by several factors. First, your dad has had to do this for 7 years (and at least 3-4 tough adolescent years) without your mom to help him "fill in the blanks" about the unique issues a young woman faces during this period. But more importantly, there has been a major tip in that balancing act he has been trying to maintain. I believe your dad's reaction, to an extent, is a self condemnation in which he believes that he gave in too much too soon on the "learn and grow" side, and now he is over compensating back to the "protect" side. He is treating you, in a way, how he feels he should have treated you all along to protect you from this mistake. As I said, it is an over compensation, but an understandable one. It will take time for him to regain the balance in his parental perspective and expectations.
Still, he can't keep you 10 forever. I trust he will realize this eventually and regain balance and start to let go again. But trust me, part of him feels like he has failed here and he doesn't want to make that mistake again. Having a 'tude about it doesn't help one bit, as you are well aware.
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