Emotional abuse (Full Version)

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zippty_day -> Emotional abuse (5/6/2008 5:12:57 PM)

Have you ever recognized emotional abuse amongst ministers and their wives? What are the symptoms and or cycles to watch for? What are the steps you would take to help? Do you have any links that you can recommend to help someone possible recognize they need some help?



pbaribeault -> RE: Emotional abuse (5/6/2008 5:16:37 PM)

Try this link



MrsOliver -> RE: Emotional abuse (5/6/2008 5:30:20 PM)

I would say emotional abuse is definitely two sided. the abuser and the victim of abuse. A victim is a victim because they don't place boundaries on the way some one treats them. Low self esteem, self worth, and dependency on the other person will contibute to this. Also a fear of being alone is very dominating. We some how adapt ourselves to the role of 'co-dependency' and before we know it, we live 'under' the rule of someone else.
the abuser: typically insecure and trying to control everything around them. Abuse is exercising a feeling of control. A victim falls into this because they want to please or are afraid. Either way, they are not secure enough to stand up for themselves and set healthy boundaries. An abusive person can not abuse some who doesn't allow it.
I speak from personal experience in emotional, verbal and physical abuse for 15 yrs. from two husbands. The first was not a Christian and the second was. I did not set healthy boundaries for myself because of my own co-dependency issues. Once I realized I was going to be okay, if I was independent from a man and trust God in my life, I could set those boundaries.
We have to know who we are in Christ!
Also, the victim will many times, cover or hide the issues from outsiders for fear of others finding out. They don't want anyone to think less of their partner. The victim many times will also think they can 'fix' the abuser.
Do you council victims of abuse?

Just my experience, I pray it helps you.
Mrs. Oliver



CherishedbyGod -> RE: Emotional abuse (5/6/2008 5:32:30 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: funny_girl

Have you ever recognized emotional abuse amongst ministers and their wives? What are the symptoms and or cycles to watch for? What are the steps you would take to help? Do you have any links that you ca recommend to help someone possible recognize they need some help?


I don't know about between ministers and their wives. But I was emotionally abused for 35 years so may be able to give you some insight.

I would look for symptoms of fear experienced by the abused. Also possbile withdrawal or desiring to withdraw by the abused.

Anger (as an attempt at protection) might be seen.

You may even see the abused excessive apologizing for things no one else would think would be a big deal.

The abuser might seem quite controlling or belittling of the abused.

If you are not trained, I would caution you about getting involved, but instead refer it so someone who has dwelt with this difficult issue.

If you suspect abuse you may want to befriend the suspected abuse victim to win their trust so that in time they would be open to your referring them to someone.

CONFIDENTIALITY AND THE NEED TO FEEL SAFE WITH SOMEONE THEY TRUST IS AN ABSOLUTE MUST WHEN WORKING WITH ABUSE VICTIMS.

Absolutly do not break the abused's trust! I cannot stress that enough.

Here is a wonderful, wonderful book that has helped me that is found on the below link. It is called "Set Free - God's Healing Power for Abuse Victims"

http://www.setfreetoday.com/index.html



treasure_above -> RE: Emotional abuse (5/7/2008 10:51:59 AM)

I've wondered if I'm overly sensitive or emotionally abused. How can I tell?



CherishedbyGod -> RE: Emotional abuse (5/7/2008 2:17:49 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: treasure_above

I've wondered if I'm overly sensitive or emotionally abused. How can I tell?


Are you able to be a little more specific regarding your being overly sensitive?

I.E. For example, do you have alot of fear? Do you feel unsafe around certain people? Do you hurt alot?



lightshineon -> RE: Emotional abuse (5/7/2008 3:55:03 PM)

I will try and explain emotional abuse as it is happening to me right now.
1. Someone in authority singles you out in a demaeaning way, more than once, when others are engaged in the same behavior, and they let it slide for all others.
2. Try and humilate and bully you, in a group setting, just because they have false sense of what a leader should be.
3. A leader who operates in shunning, and tries to get other members to follow,
isolates, lies, makes a person feel unworthy, or a less than, and will unfairly make sure he does
Does not allow freedom of expression, especially if that privelige is given to others
4. a leader misuses power to get himself attention by humilation.
This is not leadership especially in the Godly arena, these are people puffed up by own false importance, or insecure about importance, and not a person of God. They will use intimadation, fear whatever means to inflate ego, they are puffed up prideful, and a disgrace to leadership. No humility and kindness like our Lord.
If you are a victim of this be one no more, it is of the devil, and unholy/



CherishedbyGod -> RE: Emotional abuse (5/7/2008 4:38:11 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: lightshineon

I will try and explain emotional abuse as it is happening to me right now.



[>:] Thank you for sharing, my dear sister.



TMeeks -> RE: Emotional abuse (5/7/2008 5:04:29 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: funny_girl

Have you ever recognized emotional abuse amongst ministers and their wives? What are the symptoms and or cycles to watch for? What are the steps you would take to help? Do you have any links that you can recommend to help someone possible recognize they need some help?

The sad fact is that because I know a lot of pastors, I know more than a few that have overbearing and abusive personalities that they hide behind misused Scriptures. It's an abomination that should never happen in a Christian setting.

For some reason, it seems especially prominant among missionary families. Perhaps it is the isolation and the feeling of somehow being special servants. But, what ever it is, the toll on their families is just awful.

Abuse is rooted in fear. The abuser fears loss on a whole host of levels.



treasure_above -> RE: Emotional abuse (5/7/2008 11:04:18 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CherishedbyGod

quote:

ORIGINAL: treasure_above

I've wondered if I'm overly sensitive or emotionally abused. How can I tell?


Are you able to be a little more specific regarding your being overly sensitive?

I.E. For example, do you have alot of fear? Do you feel unsafe around certain people? Do you hurt alot?



It seems like a cycle that happens right before my (lack of better term) period. My husband will treat me fine all month and then he shuts down and or is moody. There is a past history of emotional abuse and we sought counseling. Our counselor told me that there would be occasional set backs because no one is perfect.

The more I dig for answers, the more I'm curious if it stems from a fear of rejection and misunderstanding of one another. It seems like emotional abuse can be so grey sometimes.



zippty_day -> RE: Emotional abuse (5/7/2008 11:20:07 PM)

lightshineson, I'm so sorry about your situation. Will you and your husband start attending another church? I highly recommend getting away from leadership that is abusive.

TMEEKS, Interesting that you've seen it so much in missionary families. I had kind of thought of a high profile case that took place in a small community in the US. I think it would be unfair to say that it's more prominate in missionary families. From experience, could it be that the pressures of living in a foreign country bring these 'abusive' type behaviours to a head? I believe the states to be in 80% being they are unaware that they are abusing. I also think that a person with a choleric personality would be more apt to be abusive, no? They are more controlling, direct, disciplined etc.



Covaan_Meshuga -> RE: Emotional abuse (5/7/2008 11:47:22 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: lightshineon
I will try and explain emotional abuse as it is happening to me right now.
1. Someone in authority singles you out in a demaeaning way, more than once, when others are engaged in the same behavior, and they let it slide for all others.
2. Try and humilate and bully you, in a group setting, just because they have false sense of what a leader should be.
3. A leader who operates in shunning, and tries to get other members to follow,
isolates, lies, makes a person feel unworthy, or a less than, and will unfairly make sure he does
Does not allow freedom of expression, especially if that privelige is given to others
4. a leader misuses power to get himself attention by humilation.
This is not leadership especially in the Godly arena, these are people puffed up by own false importance, or insecure about importance, and not a person of God. They will use intimadation, fear whatever means to inflate ego, they are puffed up prideful, and a disgrace to leadership. No humility and kindness like our Lord.
If you are a victim of this be one no more, it is of the devil, and unholy/

(Too bad there's no available shaky/wavy font)
...touch not mine anointed...



lightshineon -> RE: Emotional abuse (5/8/2008 12:14:02 AM)

Hi, this abuse is from a spiritual leader, but not pastor, another person who is abusive, oh better clarify not my husband he is a great man in my eyes.[:D]
quote:

ORIGINAL: funny_girl

lightshineson, I'm so sorry about your situation. Will you and your husband start attending another church? I highly recommend getting away from leadership that is abusive.

TMEEKS, Interesting that you've seen it so much in missionary families. I had kind of thought of a high profile case that took place in a small community in the US. I think it would be unfair to say that it's more prominate in missionary families. From experience, could it be that the pressures of living in a foreign country bring these 'abusive' type behaviours to a head? I believe the states to be in 80% being they are unaware that they are abusing. I also think that a person with a choleric personality would be more apt to be abusive, no? They are more controlling, direct, disciplined etc.



woodwind228 -> RE: Emotional abuse (5/8/2008 10:50:36 PM)

Maybe checkout the Partners Against Domestic Violence website. I think it's www.padv.org



zippty_day -> RE: Emotional abuse (5/9/2008 12:28:11 AM)

I guess no one using the board has ever witnessed emotional abuse in a pastor's home. That's great! Hopefully it's very rare.



buckifn -> RE: Emotional abuse (5/9/2008 7:07:44 AM)

quote:

guess no one using the board has ever witnessed emotional abuse in a pastor's home. That's great! Hopefully it's very rare.


The domestic violence website is a great source of information and referral for anyone who needs help.

Churches in general are reluctant to face any problems that exist within their walls and domestic abuse is no different.

Just because it isn't talked about does not mean it is rarely happening.

http://www.ndvh.org/



MrsDC -> RE: Emotional abuse (5/9/2008 7:47:22 PM)

...touch not mine anointed...

How's that?

Funny Girl -- you've already gotten good info on signs and symptoms. Are you talking about ministers in the States or 'elsewhere'? I've noticed that where we are in Mexico we deal with a LOT of machismo. Our pastor is a gentle, kind and soft-spoken man...and he's very unusual around here!!! Men in our village tend to be overbearing, insulting, demeaning and arrogant...although not as much among the Christian brothers. I just wondered if you were taking into account "cultural differences".

...Note that I am NOT saying that overbearing, abusive behaviour is OK, simply because it's culturally acceptable...just that it might take longer to overcome it.



Covaan_Meshuga -> RE: Emotional abuse (5/9/2008 10:21:07 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MrsDC
...touch not mine anointed...

How's that?

SSSWEET! [:D]



zippty_day -> RE: Emotional abuse (5/9/2008 11:14:45 PM)

I'm talking about emotional abuse happening in a pastor's home, whether they be on the field or in the states. Ever talked to a pastor's wife that was super submissive and waiting for her husband to treat her right; actually living in an emotionally abusive situation?



brothertodd -> RE: Emotional abuse (5/10/2008 2:50:07 AM)

lightshineon what you described happens alot in the Mormon Church and even worse in the Mormon fundamentalist churches (the Tx poligamist sect)

Funny Girl I can not answer your question but a great resourse for dealing with thosed abused are the counseling resources by Josh McDowell at beyondbelief.com. Although it is more youth oriented the books are helpful towards all generations



CherishedbyGod -> RE: Emotional abuse (5/10/2008 12:10:49 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MrsDC

...touch not mine anointed...

How's that?



[:D] LOL



crownlaurel -> RE: Emotional abuse (5/15/2008 9:03:03 AM)

Funnygirl, am I remembering correctly that you are in Mexico? Is the pastor's wife Mexican or Latina or is she from the States? Her behavior and reactions to his treatment as well as receptiveness to change her approach are very largely influenced by culture. Machismo is not something that a few chauvenistic males exhibit...it is a way of life that is not shunned by the majority of Latin countries' cultures. My husband (who is Guatemalan) believes that one of the reasons that Mexico and Central American countries cannot prosper despite that the land is far richer than US soil, is the way men treat their wives. Even with his "progressive"...ie, more Biblical...ideas, my husband occassionally slips into man-king behavior and I try to gently remind him (or hit him in the head with a frying pan, whichever comes first [;)] ). Through our years in ministry as partners in serving God, dh has been accused of being whipped (especially when he changed diapers...that was culture shock to many men) and I have been accused of being non submissive. We try to teach that it is much easier for a woman to submit willingly to a husband who loves her as Christ loved the church.

I have met several pastoral couples where the husband is overbearing and there is what we would call emotional abuse. It is a cultural curse that will need prayer and fasting and Godly men to stand up and break the cycle. There are several who are working hard to change this. Marcos Witt often preaches about it. You may find resources at vinonuevo.net.

I'm sure I could find more resources if you are interested you can message me.

If I am wrong about your location, disregard this post...maybe it will benefit someone else [:)]



zippty_day -> RE: Emotional abuse (5/15/2008 10:10:40 AM)

I'm not talking about down here. I'm talking about the US.



gmedifast -> RE: Emotional abuse (5/19/2008 8:41:22 PM)

quote:

guess no one using the board has ever witnessed emotional abuse in a pastor's home. That's great! Hopefully it's very rare.


i have witnessed in my own pastor. My pastor is very controlling and preaches control very often. He is in control of everything, every ministry, every person that does anything. There is no such a thing as you being able to function in your callings and gifts. Even if you feel like God has put something in your heart to do, my pastor will not allow it and it can be something very big or very small. I have also seen my pastor snap at his wife in a very demeaning way in public. She will express an opinion about something and he will snap at the drop of a hat. His kids are full of anger and low self esteem. My wife are in a pickle as to go or stay. There are reasons we do not just run as we fear it might hurt a lot of people who depend on us. But I tell you the stress this man puts me under is heavy.



Covaan_Meshuga -> RE: Emotional abuse (5/19/2008 9:41:52 PM)

Oh, gmedifast. I am so sorry. I have been in churches somewhat like that, but not to that degree. One pastor found out I was going to homes for the elderly to just sing and play my guitar, without even mentioning the church's name, and he put a stop to that. Of course, he was the one I saw hit a Sunday school child over the head with a 1.5-inch hymnal. But I don't think he treated his family like that -- I don't think they would have put up with it.

However, I left one of the churches in that organization just before a pastor like the one you described came. I learned what he was like from other family members. I breathed huge sighs of relief that i was not there for it, but then again, I had gotten to the point at which I would not have taken it from him, period.



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