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forgiven40 -> I just want it back to good... (5/7/2008 6:43:44 PM)
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I am not sure where to begin, as I am new to this. I guess I will start by giving a little back ground history.
My husband and I have been married for 7 years (in July) we have been together for 8. This is a second marriage for both of us. We both have children from a previous marriage. He has a 21 and a 23 year old. I have 15 year old twins and a 23 year old. Only the 15 year olds live with us. He is 10 years older than me. I come from a very dysfunctional family. You only speak when you are spoken to. You are put on this earth to serve your parents and nothing more. My father was very critical of me. He would tease me meanly and say hurtful things to me because he thought it was funny. He always made me feel like I was fat. (I was 5"6 and 115 lbs!!!) We were not allowed to verbalize any emotions what so ever. He physically abused my brother. He ended up leaving my mother for another woman... that is s WHOLE other story!
Our troubles began almost from the start. Well, as soon as we moved in together, anyway. That happened to be 3 months after we met. As soon as I found someone that was willing to take me out of the life I was in and into a better one, I went for it!
NOW.. to get to my point! My husband's job requires alot of travel. I have had such a hard time with this from the start and have tried every way I possibly know to get through it, but I jsut can't. Everytime he leaves, we do nothing but fight the whole time. I make rules like, please don't drink, don't go to bars, don't stay out late, can't you just eat in your room, etc... I know I do this because I am so scared that, like my dad, he is goijng to go away, meet someone, come home and tell me he wants a divorce. He has tried toreassure me over the years that he is not that kind of man, and that he would never do anything like that to me, but that is what I thought about my dad... and he did. I have begged and pleaded for him to get a new position that does not require him to travel as much. I have told him that I would do anything, move anywhere, whatever it took, if he would do somehting different. He refuses saying that he doesn't even know if he wants to be with me cause he doesn't want to have to go through this everytime he has to go. He says I treat him like a little kid and that he feels like I am smothering him. Everytime we argue (about anything) his first response is "I want a divore, I can't do this with you anymore" He used to be patient and kind and now he is so easily frustrated and mean to me. I know I have caused it and it makes me very sad.
So, about a year ago, when things were at the lowest point for us. We were arguing nonstop. I would try to talk to him and beg him to listen to me. I would be sobbing, he would yell profanities at me and hang up on me. he would tell me that he was not going to talk about it with me. Or if he did, he would tell me how selfish and needy I was and then turn it around so that it ended up being about him. He ended up becoming a very controlling person. I could not buy anything without his permission. I wore my hair the way he wanted me to. If I wanted to do something, he would say, "let me think about it" and never come back to me with an answer. When my family would come over, he would retreat to another room, or sit over in the chair and be really quiet. I would get so embarassed when my family would say, " is Mike ok, he seems mad" If I told him this he would jump down my throat. If I needed him to be affectionate, he would say, "I don't have warm feelings toward you right now" if I reached out to him, he would jerk away from me and tell me not to touch him. Things like this went on for a while. I tried to talk to him and tell him it was having an effect on me, but he refused to hear me. I decided that I wanted to be with him, but I wanted to be happy too. So, one day I turned to the internet for comfort. That is one day that changed my life. I began emotional relationships with lot sof men. they made me feel good, Wanted, desired, needed. I started drinking. I bought a new phone that he didn't know about and began texting and talking with some of these men. I was so blatant about it too. I had the attitude that, if you are not going to give me what I want, I will get it from someone else. It all seemed so great at the time. I actually justified it in my mind by thinking this is great! THis is how I can cope with him being out of town. I won't nag him cause I will have someone to tlak to now. This could help our marriage... sick, huh?!?! Anyway, the drinking got worse too... I was drinking ATLEAST a bottle of wine a night. EVERY night. my kids hated it. They hated me being on line too... they knew, just like I did when I was 13! All of it was spiraling out of control. My husband ended up finding out about the texting and the calls. He almost left me, but I talked him into staying. I promised I would never do it again. And, I didn't, for a week or two, then I was back with a vengeance... worse off then last time because now, I had the guilt to deal with so I had to drink more to make that go away... it was a vicious cycle. I had worked at a church before all of this and loved it. I had to quit because I couldn't stand how I felt about myself everytime I walked in the door. I was leading a double life. I gave up on my faith, I had to. how Was I supposed to be able to carry on the way I wanted and claim to be a christian! My life ended up in a huge black hole of alcohol, lying, depression and men. All the while, my husband is believing that I had stopped.
It started to get harder and harder to pick up my computer. I guess this was the Holy Spirit. I would feel such guilt that I just felt like I had to do something. I had to stop. I deleted all of my online profiles, I changed my phone#, I threw away my other phone, and i made an appointment with a christian counselor that specializes in addictions. BUT, not before my husband found out AGAIN, that I was still talking to men online. The day I did all of this, was the same day he took my phone to work and accessed my e-mail. I thought I had done good by deleting all of the e-mails I got, what I forgot to do was delete the "sent" He emailed me and told me it was over and that he knew what I had been doing. I was sick. I begged and begged for him to forgive me and told him that I had a problem that I could not stop on my own. Somehow, I have no idea how, but through the Grace of God, he stayed. This has been about a month now. We started to see a counselor together. I am also seeing one alone and him as well. Through all of this, I could tell that my husband has been trying to hold on. By a very thin string and deal with all the stuff I have put him through for the last year.
Well, I have to say that I have not turned back to the internet or had any contact what so ever with anyine from my past, but I continued to drink. I really thought it wasn't a problem. My husband and I love to cook and drinking just seems to go along with it. Everything we do revolves around drinking. Where we go, what we do... all depends on what we want to drink!
Anyway, the lowest point... my rock bottom... happened Friday night. The day seemed to go perfect. My husband seemed to be trying to be affectionate (he had stopped since he found out) he even kissed me. I just knew in my heart that we were going to make love for the first time in a long time that night. Well, when we finished eating dinner, we took our glasses of wine and went to sit together on the couch. He was being very loving. Then, out of the blue, he said, "I'm going to watch the game" I was dumbfounded and very intoxicated by now. He went to the other room, I followed him. I said, why in the world are you watching the game? He said, because I want to. I told him that after everyhting that happened that day, that I thought we would be together. He said, "I don't mind being with you later, but I am watching th game NOW, but you can come sit with me" I was so hurt. So, the alcohol proceeded to take over and the more I thought about it, the madder I got... to the point where I told him to get out. That I was not going to let him control my life anymore. He refused. I was so angry, I started pushing him out and then I started hitting him and I would not stop. I lost control. He called the police on me. I am so ashamed and disgusted with myself. He ended up leaving that night but coming back the next morning. He said that he needed to be seperated from me. I begged and begged again for him to change his mind. I told him that it was the alcohol and that I have decided I was never going to drink again. AND I MEANT IT. I have been sober for 5 days now! I have been leaning on God to get me through this. I have been reading The Power of a Praying Wife, I have been spending time with the Lordd daily and really trying to hear what He is saying.
My husband is still here. I guess I am wondering if there is anyone else out there who has been through a similar ordeal because I really need some words of encouragement. It is really hard for me because I am at a place where I am ready to move forward in our marriage and make it the best it has ever been... WITH God's help and guidance. My husband, however, is not. this is so hard for me. I need him so badly right now but he is not in a place where he can help me with that. Please someone help me to know how to get through this with patience and understanding.
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