My seven year old does not want to try or obey (Full Version)

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AZEMT53 -> My seven year old does not want to try or obey (5/8/2008 2:02:11 AM)


My seven year old does not want to try to do any of the tasks that my wife (his stepmom) and I ask of him, unless it is something that he likes to do. We are really having a lot of problems over this, it has caused a lot of tears on his part and my wife's part as well. She feels that she is failing him as a mother, and I am feeling as though I am failing him as a father, and my to my wife as a husband, because I can not get him to try. Additionally, he isn't outright disobeying my wife with malice, rather he is "forgetful" of what she has told him or taught to him. There is a lot of tension in our home over this issue and it is effecting our daily lives. Our two youngest (2y & 9m) are seeing all of the anger, and hearing the yelling that goes on frequently, and it is effecting them as well. My wife and I are approaching the end of our rope and can not figure out a way to reach him so that he wants to change. This has caused a great deal of strain in our marriage as well. We get absolutely no support in this matter from his "biological mother" not to mention that she really doesn't care. If there is anyone out there who can offer some help we are all ears.



manda59 -> RE: My seven year old does not want to try or obey (5/8/2008 3:06:11 AM)

Could I just ask how long it is since you and your ex-wife broke up, how long it was before you met your current wife, and how long you have been married?



Hislittleone -> RE: My seven year old does not want to try or obey (5/8/2008 4:23:14 AM)

Ditto what Manda asked. Also, who is doing the yelling? And what do you define as forgetful? Could you give us an example of how he is forgetful?



csl7037 -> RE: My seven year old does not want to try or obey (5/8/2008 6:04:44 AM)

Just from what you said, I think it's similar to what we face with my 8 year old. Your divorce/remarriage and the fact that she's a stepmother may add a dimension that's different from our house. But dd is almost 9 and in 3rd grade (a very young 3rd grader). She's at a very "strict" Christian school - strict in systems more than discipline, it is very loving, thankfully for her sake! They just expect a lot of her in terms of responsibility. I've been at my whits end with her forgetfullness and truly what seems like she just plain doesn't care.

Just from what we face with her constantly. All I can say is get creative - try any and every reward and/or punishment you think will motivate him. It's so hard, I know. And, with my dd, what motivates her today she may not care about at all tomorrow.

Also, the yelling just doesn't work. With my dd, at least, she just shuts down, digs in her own heels when she's pushed, and everything escalates. The adults have to control the situation. It's amazing how quickly such a little person can get all the adults in the room completely worked up and beside themselves!

I wish I had some secret key to unlock the child. My dd is a mystery to me. But the more I pray about it, get friends' support and encouragement when I think I'm losing it, and just be persistent but gentle with her, the more encouraging days I seem to have.



joannepir -> RE: My seven year old does not want to try or obey (5/8/2008 6:19:07 AM)

Some 7 year olds are just forgetful. Are you using any positive reinforcements? Are you expecting too much of him because he is the oldest? He is still only 7. I know in my family, the oldest child had a lot expected of him. When I look back and see that he was the same age as my youngest at certain stages, I'm amazed at my expectations.



peculiar_lady2 -> RE: My seven year old does not want to try or obey (5/8/2008 7:59:22 AM)

quote:

dditionally, he isn't outright disobeying my wife with malice, rather he is "forgetful" of what she has told him or taught to him.

this statement makes me wonder something....can you give some examples of what exactly the child is "forgetting"... sometimes, esp with younger ones, people tend to expect more out of the older ones simply because they are older without taking into account that they too are still kids and will still do what kids do. So maybe if we have some real life examples we could more easily help you assess if his behavior with regard to forgetting things is just normal for his age of it it's truly something he is purposeful in doing.

quote:

My seven year old does not want to try to do any of the tasks that my wife (his stepmom) and I ask of him,

I have learned with my four that unless I am giving them the option of saying no, then I don't need to "ask". I don't have to really demand, so that's not really a good way to put it, but I definitely don't "ask" unless I really want to give them the option of not doing it. I will give them choices...such as "would you like to start with A or start with B"....that gives them the opportunity to learn how to make decisions, learn the good and bad consequences of that choice in a controlled environment, and it allows them the freedom to feel like they aren't just being bossed around all the time. However, their choices are limited to what I will allow...and saying "neither" is not an option.

quote:

Just from what you said, I think it's similar to what we face with my 8 year old. Your divorce/remarriage and the fact that she's a stepmother may add a dimension that's different from our house. But dd is almost 9 and in 3rd grade (a very young 3rd grader). She's at a very "strict" Christian school - strict in systems more than discipline, it is very loving, thankfully for her sake! They just expect a lot of her in terms of responsibility. I've been at my whits end with her forgetfullness and truly what seems like she just plain doesn't care.

I am not divorced from my husband...we have four kids, all by both of us (fifth is due in a few weeks) and our oldest is going to be 9yo in August. Honestly, what you describe is normal 8-9yo behavior, not really based on your being remarried or whatever...it's NORMAL for a child of that age (boy and girl) to act like that in some ways...every child I know of that age acts/acted like that.



Sadey -> RE: My seven year old does not want to try or obey (5/8/2008 9:11:11 AM)

I don't think "'getting him to want to change" is going to work. I doubt if he knows he should want to change.

Does his step mom like him? I'm not talking about parental love, I definitely mean like. If not then he will know, if she does basically like him and not putting his moms' fault onto him, then you have lots of hope.

Set up the conseqences before you do anything else. Then tell him that if he forgets, I love that excuse, then this will be the consequence. I don't think you have to be too harsh but if he forgets to make his bed ect ect and he is outside playing. Make him come in to make his bed and maybe do an extra chore for step mom.

If you or she yell you have both lost this war. Kids are very smart and know just what buttons to push and don't seem to mind making their parents mad.

Are you constatnly harping at him? Nagging can drive anyone to just shut down. Maybe thats the problem?
Just some thoughts



Szaftoo -> RE: My seven year old does not want to try or obey (5/8/2008 9:34:39 AM)

I echo what others have said, what exactly are you unhappy with? What is it he is "forgetting" to do?



locomom -> RE: My seven year old does not want to try or obey (5/9/2008 1:45:35 AM)

Give an example of what directions you are giving them and when and how you give them. Please remember he's still very little. He should still be pretty disorganized by nature. Are any of your other kids naturally organized?



peculiar_lady2 -> RE: My seven year old does not want to try or obey (5/9/2008 10:10:42 AM)

just had to say....my almost 9yo boy...just a few minutes ago I had to "remind" him when he was walking out of the bathroom to put the seat down, flush, and wash his hands. We go through that every day how many times, and he still can't remember after years of doing it the same way!!!! Just goes to show it's just how kids are...that's why they need us to remind them of things.

Also, I thought this morning...maybe it's a personality quirk in your child vs you. Maybe they just don't have the ability to see things the way you see them. For instance....I am a list maker. I make lists of EVERYTHING....I don't make them to follow them though, I make them because once I write it down it is stuck in my memory forever. My hubby is not a list maker and my lists sometimes drive him crazy. I like to clean a room in an order, he likes to clean a room by flipping from one area to another and maybe even from one room to another....DRIVES ME CRAZY!!!!! Anyway....it could just be that the way you remember things isn't the way your son or daughter remembers things best....so it is up to us as parents to help them find the ways that they will remember best. It's also up to us to remember that even we can't remember everything we need to all the time and have compassion on them when they are still learning how to do things like using their brains, etc. That's a hard one to figure out sometimes!!!



OneOfHisJewels -> RE: My seven year old does not want to try or obey (5/9/2008 1:31:14 PM)

I honestly don't think it's fair to expect a child to listen too intently to their stepparent. Unless, of course, it's something major, like "Don't touch the hot stove."

Divorce of parents is a hard hard thing for a child to go through, and the grieving never stops, and it affects them their whole life (and no, I do not have divorced parents, thankfully). The parent that remarries tends to think the difficulties are over, and now he/she can be all happy again with their new spouse. But for the child it is not that way. Their family is broken up forever. I really think that your wife's job is nothing more than to be patient with this child, and most of the parenting should really come from you. I used to listen to Dr. Laura Schlessinger, and while not a christian, she often had good common sense. One time a lady called in and was upset because her stepdaughter didn't want to do a whole bunch of chores when she came to visit her dad. Dr. Laura told this lady that the stepdaughter was absolutely right. She needed that time to be with her dad. Thankfully, the lady agreed with Dr. Laura right away, and didn't argue with her.



Tinkerbell_ -> RE: My seven year old does not want to try or obey (5/9/2008 3:12:27 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: OneOfHisJewels

I honestly don't think it's fair to expect a child to listen too intently to their stepparent. Unless, of course, it's something major, like "Don't touch the hot stove."

Divorce of parents is a hard hard thing for a child to go through, and the grieving never stops, and it affects them their whole life (and no, I do not have divorced parents, thankfully). The parent that remarries tends to think the difficulties are over, and now he/she can be all happy again with their new spouse. But for the child it is not that way. Their family is broken up forever. I really think that your wife's job is nothing more than to be patient with this child, and most of the parenting should really come from you. I used to listen to Dr. Laura Schlessinger, and while not a christian, she often had good common sense. One time a lady called in and was upset because her stepdaughter didn't want to do a whole bunch of chores when she came to visit her dad. Dr. Laura told this lady that the stepdaughter was absolutely right. She needed that time to be with her dad. Thankfully, the lady agreed with Dr. Laura right away, and didn't argue with her.

What????? Wow....

In a house hold there are two authorities: Mother and Father. In this household the stepmother is the "Mother' authority. She should still receive the same respect and same treatment that the Father gets, regardless.

That's also common courtesy. Just because someone is not the Things 'father' or 'mother' doesn't mean they have the right to not listen when said adult is in an authority figure.

The Things and I talk about this extensively. When I remarry they will respect him as they would their father. Period. To say it's not to be expected it to give child free rein to walk all over the 'stepparent'. Give an inch and take a yard kind of thing...

Also...Dr. Laura...well, I wouldn't listen too hard to her. Children are part of the household and regardless of how long they are visiting they still need to contribute to the house and partake as a regular family member. It doesn't matter if they're over for 3 hours or 3 days. If they are doing something they absolutely need to participate. They don't need to do a LOT of things, but say help with the dinner dishes, or clean up the table, or help straighten things up. Something like that. Visiting a noncustodial parent is not a vacation; it's just going to a different home and there are obligations in any home you live in.



zoebob -> RE: My seven year old does not want to try or obey (5/9/2008 3:15:06 PM)

I agree tinkerbell.

In no way should the child be a slave in the home of the non-custodial parent. However, if all the other kids have to make their beds and keep their room tidy so should this child.
If all the kids have to help with dishes so should the step-child.

If there is going to be a family gathering or other company then everyone should pitch in to get the house company ready. The step child shouldn't get to just sit around watching tv while everyone else works.



OneOfHisJewels -> RE: My seven year old does not want to try or obey (5/9/2008 4:33:37 PM)

Ok, well, Tinkerbell and Zoebob, the way you put things is reasonable. I guess I just feel a little sensitive to the issue, because when I worked at a day care, I had one set of siblings who literally did get treated like second class citizens by their stepmom, and of course her own kids could never do any wrong.



Tinkerbell_ -> RE: My seven year old does not want to try or obey (5/9/2008 4:35:44 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: OneOfHisJewels

Ok, well, Tinkerbell and Zoebob, the way you put things is reasonable. I guess I just feel a little sensitive to the issue, because when I worked at a day care, I had one set of siblings who literally did get treated like second class citizens by their stepmom, and of course her own kids could never do any wrong.

And that's the father's fault for allowing the mother to treat their children that way.

I apologise if I came across a bit too strong, but spoiled stepchildren are a slight pet peeve of mine. *grins sheepishly*



OneOfHisJewels -> RE: My seven year old does not want to try or obey (5/9/2008 10:12:29 PM)

Just to be fair, after I made that post about the lady, I realized I couldn't remember if she actually had any of her own kids or not. If she did, they didn't come to the day care. Thought it only fair to say that. Regardless, she did NOT treat her stepkids well. She even ate the oldest one's hamster.[:'(]



zoebob -> RE: My seven year old does not want to try or obey (5/9/2008 10:38:30 PM)

quote:

She even ate the oldest one's hamster.
[sm=icon_smile_yikes.gif][sm=icon_smile_yikes.gif]



OneOfHisJewels -> RE: My seven year old does not want to try or obey (5/9/2008 10:55:07 PM)

Yeah, her native culture was not American. I don't wanna say what it was, though, 'cause I know this forum can be accessed internationally.



AZEMT53 -> RE: My seven year old does not want to try or obey (5/13/2008 9:32:47 AM)

I divorced my ex right after my son's first birthday. I met my wife about 2 years later, and we got married about a year after that. My son is having problems staying focused on the duties that he has to help the house. like clearing the table, he will start and then go off to get ready for bed after he has only cleared a few dishes. he forgets to put some of the food in the fridge. one of the biggest issues is that he can't seem to remember how to do one of his homework assignments,(which I disagree with the face that a first grader has homework!). he has to read a book (about maybe 100 words) and then write a summary, 3 sentances telling about the book. I know this isn't easy for him to start a new type of thought process but he has been doing them for about 4 months now almost one a day durring the week. He just can't seem to want to try to do them. when he does try, it takes him about 10 minutes to do one, when he doesn't it has taken up to 6 hours. We are tough, but very fair, we understand that he is just a boy, and even though he is extremely smart, and has been on the Honor Roll 4 times, it is upsetting to us. writing this out does make me feel a bit like a heel for what we are all going through, however I am trying to start a pattern of living that will be with him his whole life and make him become successful at everything that he does. My parents didn't push me to learn, and I didn't learn the value of education or just plain trying hard until I put myself through college. I don't want my son to hate us and think that we are terrible people for pushing him, but I don't want him to look back and think that we didn't care enough to push him to be his best.



Szaftoo -> RE: My seven year old does not want to try or obey (5/13/2008 10:05:24 AM)

My kids had homework in kindergarten and I was fine with it.

Maybe you need to work with him on getting his work done. Instead of giving him a long list of rules, ask him what would work for him. Give him his own space to do his homework where he won't be disturbed. Ask him what is the best time for him to start it. One of my kids did better immediately after school, the other waited a hour or so to unwind. You could ask him to read the book to you and then talk about it. If he is having trouble with reading, get him help.



AZEMT53 -> RE: My seven year old does not want to try or obey (5/14/2008 9:49:19 AM)

He does have his own space to wirk in where he isn't interupted. He prefers to do his homework right away, and we do have him read to us. He has become the best reader in his class, and is reading very fast. he has become able to read the info on commercials and understand them. We talk about what the stories are about (the books are sent home from school) and then he goes in to write about them. THis is where the problems begin. This is where he stops trying, he claims he can't think of anything where we know that isn't the case since he does write about half of the books with out any issues, or just needs minor corrections.



Christian30 -> RE: My seven year old does not want to try or obey (5/14/2008 11:49:08 PM)

"Forgetting" can also be a form of disobedience, and it's more common than many parents think. It's not always, but happens a lot. I'm a mid-lifer with grown kids, and 2 of the kids babysit tend to "forget" when asked to do something. When their parents apply a few swats to their bottoms it seems to work wonders... seems there's a connection between that part of the anatomy and the brain.

I think the OP needs to make sure your wife gets the respect and response that is aligned with the Mother role. I'd not sympathize too much with the stepparent thing. Try not to rationalize or make excuses for "forgetting" that is disobedience.



locomom -> RE: My seven year old does not want to try or obey (5/16/2008 1:12:22 AM)

I think the major reason for the problems you are having is that you are expecting too high a level of performance from a 1st grade child. He is the oldest so you expect a lot more, but you need to find some way to evaluate if your expectations are realistic. The other major problem is the atmosphere surrounding this little boy at home - anger and disapproval. You need to find a way to make learning responsibility far more positive than negative. Last for him to do his homework the way you describe may be too many skills for him to do at one time in order to accomplish it. As his parents you want to engineer success.

1)What helped me most in expectations of my daughter came from something I read. It suggested you consider a task as have several learning stages. The first stage is the LEARNING phase; this is when you are instructing him about the task so that he knows what you expect and how to do it. The second stage is SUPERVISION; this is where he basically understands the job, but needs your help in some way to accomplish it. For example, if he is setting the table he may need reminding of which side of the plate the fork goes on. Your example is that he cannot concentrate long enough to get the job done and he forgets steps. So he is still in the supervision stage. As he gains experience and help and positive success he will slowly need less and less supervision. For example after 5 weeks, you maybe able to let him work on a short job and check his work when he tells you he's done. If he is starting the job he is beginning to obey you and you have something to build on. If he is working with you, you are having success. You aren't all the way there. The 3rd stage is ACCOUNTABILITY. That means that you can give him the job and reasonably expect him to succeed by himself. In all these stages, the more you can emphasize the positive and his success and not harp on what is missed or use anger or punishment, the more you will both succeed. He will then learn you are happy with what he is doing and approve of him and you will be happy with you as a parent. Positive success will motivate both of you. At 7 yo he may need supervision and reteaching for quite a while.

2)Understand that his homework looks not to bad to you. It is good that you have set up a work space, but is it near you. He will need to have close enough contact from you for few years. Next, although this homework looks fairly simple to you, it is requiring several skills that he is only at the beginning of doing. And it is requiring that he put them together which is where the problem lies. Many kids are not comfortable with handwriting until 5th grade. That means that by itself it requires a lot of effort to do to a satisfactory standard. Then when he is faced with doing multiple tasks it becomes overwhelming to him. Like with clearing the table, his homework is composed of multiple tasks which is why it seems so overwhelming to him. So part of your job is to find a way for him to organize the task and to simplify it so that he can accomplish it. One of the best ways for a beginner to accomplish written work like this is for him to tell you his thoughts and for you to write it down. Then he can copy it over. Thus he has fewer skills to do at once and the whole task is possible.

Last from what you said it sounds like you are actually getting a lot of obedience. He starts to clear the table but he leaves before he is done. However, he doesn't go off to watch TV or play with toys, he goes off and starts getting ready for bed. It also sounds like he is willing to do his homework. He may not remember how to do his homework could mean that he is have trouble dividing his work into the steps it takes to get it all done. This is where an adult helper need to teach how to accomplish any task. You sit with him and start asking him, "What do you need to do for today's homework? What are you going to do first? If the job has multiple steps, then help him break it down. Also you can find a Christian counselor who works with families. It is worth swallowing your egos(been there, done that) and spending the effort and money. Humility is one of the Christian's virtues!

P.S. Think about this also: You want to raise a godly child, not just a good child.

P.M. me if I can help; I have been where you are.



Szaftoo -> RE: My seven year old does not want to try or obey (5/17/2008 9:53:06 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: AZEMT53

He does have his own space to wirk in where he isn't interupted. He prefers to do his homework right away, and we do have him read to us. He has become the best reader in his class, and is reading very fast. he has become able to read the info on commercials and understand them. We talk about what the stories are about (the books are sent home from school) and then he goes in to write about them. THis is where the problems begin. This is where he stops trying, he claims he can't think of anything where we know that isn't the case since he does write about half of the books with out any issues, or just needs minor corrections.


Have you spoken to his teacher and what does he/she say? Is his behavior the same at school as it is at home? Does he get his assisgnements and tests done there? If he is doing his work well at school and not at home, maybe there is something at home that he doesn't care for.



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