RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (Full Version)

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Sadey -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (5/14/2008 1:12:32 PM)

To your aunt,
Hello I've read all of this thread and your niece got some wonderful advice. But I wanted to speak to you. I know you love your niece and want whats best for her. Thats not in doubt at all, and I know that Christians are to forgive and if its just the daily bumps and dings we all get in life its easy to do that.

But when dealing with a person who has been as severely abused as your niece it is a different story. Yes we hope that when someone suffers this abuse that they will be able to forgive the abuser. Not for the abuser's sake but for their own, so that they can have the life that God wants them to have. After reading your niece's posts I don't think you have to worry about her walk with the Lord and if and when Jesus wants her to have q relationship with her mother, he will bring it about and your niece will know its from him. To push her to recouncile with her mother is cruel and not wise. Only God knows the right time and he may never bring it about. Continuing to push her to recouncile will just push her away.

Her mother is posionous and by pushing her into her you will be killing a part of her that she has worked so hard to recover. Her sense of self, her knowledge of her value to God, and her knowing that she was not responsible for the abuse. Also by pushing this you are discounting her pain and what she went through. Its as if you are saying, "Oh its wasn't that bad" and for someone who had been abused those words are very hurtful and if not the words, the attitude.

I would suggest that you read Toxic Parents, its is an excellant book on abusive parents and how their children are affected and how they can break loose. In fact it would be good to read up on abuse and learn about its effects and the damage it does to the human spirit.

Just love your niece because I can tell she is a very loveable person and probably brings great joy into your life. God bless



zmanfan38 -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (5/14/2008 2:38:14 PM)

((((SharMar)))) - Thank you for the encouragement!


((((Sam)))) - Thank you for rejoicing with me!


((((CRH)))) - Thank you for both![:D]







((((Sadey)))) - Wow, thank you so much for the post to my aunt. I had already printed the thread out and highlighted the points I want to be sure aren't missed, and I'll be printing your post to add to it as well. You've said a lot of what is in my heart and said it very well.

You said:

Her mother is posionous and by pushing her into her you will be killing a part of her that she has worked so hard to recover.

Thank you for these words. I cried when I read them because it was such a relief to hear that somebody else truly understands that it's true.



MissGizmo -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (5/15/2008 6:55:56 AM)

[[[[[[[[[[ Christi ]]]]]]]]]]

I have worked with several teen foster girls that have come from what you did. It is never easy to put what has happened in the past and move on. You have done a great job of doing so. I totally agree that your Mother has never been a Mother & does not deserve a place in your life as your Mother figure. Giving birth does not a Mother make. You can never change the fact that she gave birth to you, but as a Mother she did not earn the love & respect that a Mother is given when she cares & loves her child. You were only abused & hurt by her actions, never loved by her. Do not let her come back into your life and hurt you, GB, or your husband. She has not earned the right to be in your life. She will only hurt all of you. You have a loving husband & daughter for which I know you are thankful for.

As to your aunt, show her all of the posts here. If she can not except that you want nothing to do with your Mother, you may have to not have anything to do with her either. It is her choice as to which road she takes.

My friend, I love you and am thankful to have you as one of my cyber friends. Nothing you have done, or could do, will change that fact. I will pray for you & your family every day.

God bless you,



Sadey -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (5/15/2008 9:37:16 AM)

Other people do understand and you are not alone. And I know there is comfort knowing that you are not the only one with these feelings. God bless you and protect you from unknowing people who might try to drag you back into the craziness.

You are awesome, and the mom and grandma in me says to you " and don't you ever forget it".



zmanfan38 -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (5/15/2008 10:18:59 AM)

((((Ruth)))) - I was hoping you would post because of your work with teens who have been where I have been.

I have printed this entire thread and I wrote a letter to my aunt last night that explained how I feel and how it makes me feel to have the burden and responsibility of fixing the relationship with my abuser put on me. Nobody should have to endure that. Rape victims aren't asked to seek out and make a relationship with their rapists...it's the same thing in my eyes.

Thank you for praying for me and my family. I know you will be doing that.




((((Sadey)))) - thank you for your encouragement! I appreciate the mom and grandma in you that said "and don't you ever forget it". That made me smile.[:)]



WalkingwithHim2 -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (5/15/2008 11:04:08 AM)

Just figured you could use a hug so (((((((((((((((((((zmanfan))))))))))))))))))))))[:)]



Focusing -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (5/15/2008 11:06:26 AM)

Yesterday I was listening to Family Life Radio, and Warren Bolthouse had a little blurb about this very subject ... he said it was up to the abuser to seek to restore the relationship.

So, there you go! [:)]



zmanfan38 -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (5/15/2008 11:21:09 AM)

((((WWH2)))) - I did need that and thank you![:)]



quote:

ORIGINAL: Focusing

Yesterday I was listening to Family Life Radio, and Warren Bolthouse had a little blurb about this very subject ... he said it was up to the abuser to seek to restore the relationship.

So, there you go! [:)]

Sam, how cool! God has really had the best timing (as always) in all of this. He has given me so much peace about everything and He continues to use you all and everybody else that is close to me right now to encourage me. Thank you ((((Sam)))) for sharing that and Praise The Lord for letting you hear it so you could share it with me and my aunt.[sm=heart.gif]



Focusing -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (5/15/2008 11:30:32 AM)

God is so good!! [:D]



WhiteRoseBlessings -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (5/15/2008 11:41:04 AM)

{{{Chrisit}}} . . . I am so glad about the Our Lord's Peace covering you!!!


I will pray that your aunt will receive your letter and this thread in the spirit that it was meant, and that she will gain an understanding that she didn't have prior to reading everything.



MissGizmo -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (5/15/2008 12:10:19 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: WhiteRoseBlessings

{{{Chrisit}}} . . . I am so glad about the Our Lord's Peace covering you!!!


I will pray that your aunt will receive your letter and this thread in the spirit that it was meant, and that she will gain an understanding that she didn't have prior to reading everything.


My prayer also

[[[[[[[[[[ Christi, your husband, & GB ]]]]]]]]]]



zmanfan38 -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (5/19/2008 8:29:48 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: WhiteRoseBlessings

{{{Chrisit}}} . . . I am so glad about the Our Lord's Peace covering you!!!


I will pray that your aunt will receive your letter and this thread in the spirit that it was meant, and that she will gain an understanding that she didn't have prior to reading everything.


Update:

I sent the letter and a copy of this thread to my aunt on Saturday. She will probably get it tomorrow. I also gave her the address to access this thread online since it would be much easier to read and know who said what. I hope she reads this online rather than the copied version.

Please echo SharMar's prayer above. I've said what needs to be said and it's in the hands of The Holy Spirit now. Thanks to you all![sm=heart.gif]



WhiteRoseBlessings -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (5/19/2008 9:15:54 PM)

{{{Christi}}}

{{{Christi's Aunt}}} <--- (that's an cyber hug, btw). [:)]


I truly hope you did decide to access and read this thread online.


Christi is one of my dear friends. I first "met" her here in these threads, and then later had the pleasure of meeting her and her family in person. Since then, we have gotten together a few times and I treasure her friendship.

Please know that Christi isn't trying to "beat you up" or embarrass you. That's not at all her intent.

I come from an extremely abusive background. I was made to regularly interact with some of the people that abused me. That was one of the most simultaneously frightening, humiliating and debilitating experiences of my life. All of what I'm talking about spanned a period of over 17 years.

It had drastic effects on me, and took me quite a long time to recover from all of that.

I can only imagine what a hard situation this is for you: Brenda is your sister and Christi is your niece. I'm sure you love them both and that is why you are wanting a reconciliation.

But please understand . . . Brenda violently physical abused Christi, and she also emotionally abused her as well. Coupled with the fact that Brenda, on her own accord, disowned Christi by telling her she was a motherless child.

As a Christian, Christi should forgive, and I believe she has. But forgiving someone does not mean that we allow dangerous people in our lives if we don't feel physically, emotionally nor spiritually safe. Christi doesn't feel safe around Brenda. That is a consequence of Brenda's actions; not Christi's. It is not Christi's responsibility to reconcile with anyone who is not safe to be around.

There's wisdom in not doing so.

I really hope that you will be able to see things from Christi's point of view. She's not asking you to end your relationship with your sister; she is asking you to let her decide things regarding her relationship with her mother. It's the same person, but two entirely different situations.

May Our Lord bless you abundantly and beyond anything you could ever imagine.
May He cover you completely in HIS Peace and HIS Joy.

Sincerely,
Sharon-Marie



zmanfan38 -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (5/20/2008 3:24:17 PM)

((((Sharon-Marie))))

Thank you.



WhiteRoseBlessings -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (5/20/2008 3:40:23 PM)

You're very welcomed Christi; it's my honor.

I did want to know whether you wanted me to keep that post up or if you preferred I delete.
Either way is fine with me; whatever you're comfortable with.

I will, be deleting this specific post once I you reply to it.
[:)]



crankius -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (5/20/2008 4:18:37 PM)

zmanfan,

[&o]

I'm so sorry for all you went through. I'm incredibly happy that our Heavenly Father drew you to Himself. Thank you for sharing your story.


Forgiveness is often a misunderstood concept in Christianity. Forgiveness means that you no longer bear that debt upon your own shoulders, but instead you place that debt upon the shoulders of Christ. You release yourself from being the debt-bearer. You recognize that Christ not only died for your debts, but for those who would incur debt against you. He is the debt-bearer, willingly.

It does NOT mean the same thing as reconciliation. Reconciliation can only happen when there is true repentance. Even then, it doesn't mean that you must share the same path. Scripture is full of counsel to avoid the path of those who choose evil and mean you harm. It is very wise of you to not share the same path with your abuser.

You have been given EXCELLENT counsel by the posters in this thread.

Guard your heart, and guard the heart of your daughter as well.

The Complete Jewish Bible--Proverbs 4:20-27
My son, pay attention to what I am saying; incline your ear to my words. Don't let them out of your sight, keep them deep in your heart; for they are life to those who find them and health to their whole being. Above everything else, guard your heart; for it is the source of life's consequences. Keep crooked speech out of your mouth, banish deceit from your lips. Let your eyes look straight ahead, fix your gaze on what lies in front of you. Level the path for your feet, let all your ways be properly prepared; then deviate neither right nor left; and keep your foot far from evil.



zmanfan38 -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (5/20/2008 8:41:28 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: WhiteRoseBlessings

You're very welcomed Christi; it's my honor.

I did want to know whether you wanted me to keep that post up or if you preferred I delete.
Either way is fine with me; whatever you're comfortable with.

I will, be deleting this specific post once I you reply to it.
[:)]

Yes, please do keep that post up. It represents my intentions for this thread very well and it's from your heart. I wouldn't want it deleted. Thanks again.[:)]



MissGizmo -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (5/20/2008 8:52:23 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: WhiteRoseBlessings

{{{Christi}}}

{{{Christi's Aunt}}} <--- (that's an cyber hug, btw). [:)]


I truly hope you did decide to access and read this thread online.


Christi is one of my dear friends. I first "met" her here in these threads, and then later had the pleasure of meeting her and her family in person. Since then, we have gotten together a few times and I treasure her friendship.

Please know that Christi isn't trying to "beat you up" or embarrass you. That's not at all her intent.

I come from an extremely abusive background. I was made to regularly interact with some of the people that abused me. That was one of the most simultaneously frightening, humiliating and debilitating experiences of my life. All of what I'm talking about spanned a period of over 17 years.

It had drastic effects on me, and took me quite a long time to recover from all of that.

I can only imagine what a hard situation this is for you: Brenda is your sister and Christi is your niece. I'm sure you love them both and that is why you are wanting a reconciliation.

But please understand . . . Brenda violently physical abused Christi, and she also emotionally abused her as well. Coupled with the fact that Brenda, on her own accord, disowned Christi by telling her she was a motherless child.

As a Christian, Christi should forgive, and I believe she has. But forgiving someone does not mean that we allow dangerous people in our lives if we don't feel physically, emotionally nor spiritually safe. Christi doesn't feel safe around Brenda. That is a consequence of Brenda's actions; not Christi's. It is not Christi's responsibility to reconcile with anyone who is not safe to be around.

There's wisdom in not doing so.

I really hope that you will be able to see things from Christi's point of view. She's not asking you to end your relationship with your sister; she is asking you to let her decide things regarding her relationship with her mother. It's the same person, but two entirely different situations.

May Our Lord bless you abundantly and beyond anything you could ever imagine.
May He cover you completely in HIS Peace and HIS Joy.

Sincerely,
Sharon-Marie


You have said very well what I wanted to say.



zmanfan38 -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (5/20/2008 8:58:03 PM)

((((Cranky))))

Thank you for your post and for your encouragement.

I really love what you said here:

quote:

ORIGINAL: crankius

Forgiveness is often a misunderstood concept in Christianity. Forgiveness means that you no longer bear that debt upon your own shoulders, but instead you place that debt upon the shoulders of Christ. You release yourself from being the debt-bearer. You recognize that Christ not only died for your debts, but for those who would incur debt against you. He is the debt-bearer, willingly.



Wow, very well said.



delete123 -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (5/22/2008 9:43:14 PM)

(((Christi))))~
Just wondering how you are? I hope you Aunt can understand the predictiment she was/is trying to put upon you and that she can't do Jesus job. Only He can heal and reconsile your situation with Brenda.

I say Brenda, because that is her name. I remember when I went over my mother's house and called her husband by his name. They were blown away. (I was forced as a child to call him dad.)

I've noticed since your post there are many others struggling with this situation. It is so rampant Abuse.

BTw: My mom stopped taking her parkinson meds, this is why she is bedridden.

MayGod Bless your path, still praying
CRH



zmanfan38 -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (5/22/2008 10:13:35 PM)

((((CRH))))

I'm doing very well, thank you.[:)] I haven't heard from my aunt yet, but I know she's received the letter and this thread that I printed by now (I think she would have received it last Tuesday). Haven't heard back from her yet. I have been praying that she understands that she can't fix this and that I can't fix it either. I'm also praying that she doesn't get upset at me for telling her that what she's been doing is harmful to me. I don't think it has crossed her mind that it's very harmful to my spirit as a survivor. In this case the end does not justify the means if the means kills my spirit. Actually, it's just a moot point anyway because the whole mess is Brenda's...and hers alone. I do not own any part of it and will not take it back upon myself.

I have forgiven. Actually, I'm quite sure that the forgiveness happened many, many years ago. The blow out a year and a half ago didn't cause me to revoke the forgiveness, but it did shine light on the fact that she's the same sick, hateful person now as she was 30 years ago when she was in the thick of abusing me...she's just got more experience at covering it up and denying it now.

You're right, it's amazing how many people have been through this same thing right here in these forums. It's so sad that so many "parents" thought it was okay to belittle, harm and crush their little ones that God blessed them with. It's beyond my ability to understand how you could do that. Mine is 3 and she has her button pushing moments[;)], but I'd never harm her beautiful little body or spirit...God did not bless me with her for me to slap Him in the face by doing so.

Sorry to hear about your mom's Parkinson's progression. Did she chose to stop her meds or were they causing more problems than good? My FIL has had major problems in the past with his, but they seem to have found a good dose for him and he's doing pretty well now.

Thanks for the prayers and for thinking of me today![:)]



Miril -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (5/29/2008 1:51:55 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: zmanfan38

((((Cranky))))

Thank you for your post and for your encouragement.

I really love what you said here:

quote:

ORIGINAL: crankius

Forgiveness is often a misunderstood concept in Christianity. Forgiveness means that you no longer bear that debt upon your own shoulders, but instead you place that debt upon the shoulders of Christ. You release yourself from being the debt-bearer. You recognize that Christ not only died for your debts, but for those who would incur debt against you. He is the debt-bearer, willingly.



Wow, very well said.



Yes very true.

I went through the same thing with a VERY close family member, I had to end the relationship and it took me a while to forgive, but I did.

She till this day thinks that I have not forgiven her because I choose to not allow her in my life. She thinks this way because she is heavy in santeria (witchcraft) and does not understand the ways of the lord.

When I stood up and defended myself she took it as an attack instead of seeing it for what it really was, me just simply exposing her lies.

The rest of my family thinks that I should just let it go, they think I am wrong because I am not keeping the peace in the family. Like I tell them, I did not disrupt the peace in my family she did when she decided to do everything she did.

I hope your aunt understands that your mental and physical health is what should matter the most here, keeping the peace in the family means nothing. We don't choose our families we are born into them.

That in no way means that you should put yourself and your family in emotional or physical harms way.

I understand how you feel z, and there is no bigger betrayal then the one of family. Rest easy knowing you have made the right choice in keeping your mother out of your life.

Take care and God bless you.



zmanfan38 -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (5/29/2008 9:47:44 PM)

((((Miril))))



quote:

ORIGINAL: Miril

The rest of my family thinks that I should just let it go, they think I am wrong because I am not keeping the peace in the family. Like I tell them, I did not disrupt the peace in my family she did when she decided to do everything she did.



Exactly!





So sorry to hear you've been through it too. Good grief, this thread is only 3 pages long, but there are so many who have shared that they have experienced this same thing.

I'm glad to hear of another person who found the courage to keep the abusive family member out of their life, despite what others think you should do.

It's incredibly painful to hear a family member say that you should let your abuser into your life, isn't it? It's so unreasonable that you can't believe somebody actually thinks that![sm=popsigh.gif]

Thank you for your post and thank you for sharing what you went through and how you've dealt with it...very much.



Miril -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (5/30/2008 10:41:17 AM)

Hi z, hope you are doing well today. [:)]

It is sad to see so many people surrounded in abuse isn't it.

My specific recent experience with my sister had nothing to do with the type of abuse you speak of, it was just old fashioned hardcore betrayal. But I have endured the same as you when it comes to family trying to fix the unfix-able.

You need to tell your aunt you don't want to talk about it anymore, the more you talk about it the longer it stays with you. You are essentially nursing the pain and it will never leave you this way. Of course a part of it always stays with you, but you can control it by not bringing it up yourself and most importantly taking control of the situation and not allowing anyone else to keep bringing up old wounds.

Tell your aunt that, she keeps bringing up old wounds every time she brings it up and that is just another form of abuse without her realizing.

You talk about it.
You work it out or get therapy (if it is very serious).
You get out of the pool.

Don't stay in the pool of despair too long or your fingers will begin to wither before its time, and you will begin to fade away.

God Bless.



zmanfan38 -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (5/31/2008 2:18:58 PM)

Doing very well, Miril...thank you!

I am for sure not in that pool of despair. I've never been one to hang onto stuff unless it keeps getting put into my head. I felt despair the day I got that letter from my aunt for sure, but I wrote her a letter stating that her nudging me to do something that can't be done (with my abuser) is harming me and that unless it stops I will withdraw from her more out of self preservation. Then I let it all go...all of it.

I'm such a NON drama queen...can't stand that kind of stuff.

Life is very good. I've forgiven my abuser. My Lord can have all of those feelings that went along with that. I have my family...lots of family members who support and love me, and I have just a lot of peace.



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