RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (Full Version)

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Miril -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (5/31/2008 9:26:14 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: zmanfan38

Doing very well, Miril...thank you!

I am for sure not in that pool of despair. I've never been one to hang onto stuff unless it keeps getting put into my head. I felt despair the day I got that letter from my aunt for sure, but I wrote her a letter stating that her nudging me to do something that can't be done (with my abuser) is harming me and that unless it stops I will withdraw from her more out of self preservation. Then I let it all go...all of it.

I'm such a NON drama queen...can't stand that kind of stuff.

Life is very good. I've forgiven my abuser. My Lord can have all of those feelings that went along with that. I have my family...lots of family members who support and love me, and I have just a lot of peace.



No I meant that by your aunt continuing to bring it up or trying to "fix it" she is keeping you in the pool, not that you are there now.

Glad you are doing well. [:D]



zmanfan38 -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (5/31/2008 9:32:09 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Miril

No I meant that by your aunt continuing to bring it up or trying to "fix it" she is keeping you in the pool, not that you are there now.

Glad you are doing well. [:D]

Oooooooooh, gotcha![sm=thumbsup.gif]


You're exactly right...not a place I wanna be put, especially by my family.


Thanks for clearing that up.



Miril -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (5/31/2008 9:35:40 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: zmanfan38

quote:

ORIGINAL: Miril

No I meant that by your aunt continuing to bring it up or trying to "fix it" she is keeping you in the pool, not that you are there now.

Glad you are doing well. [:D]

Oooooooooh, gotcha![sm=thumbsup.gif]


You're exactly right...not a place I wanna be put, especially by my family.


Thanks for clearing that up.


My pleasure.[;)]
(toooo easy to misunderstand text online.)



zmanfan38 -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (6/18/2008 7:51:07 PM)

Hey all!

Just wanted to give an update, even though there isn't much to tell.





I haven't heard from my aunt yet and that surprises me.





I am still feeling nothing but God's sweet peace about everything.





I'm not totally sure that I made this point in this thread or not, but felt it was worth telling (or repeating as the case may be[;)]). I forgave Brenda many, many years ago. I have been enjoying the freedom of that forgiveness and have not tried to take it back on my shoulders.

The times in this thread that it sounded like I was struggling with it was because of being nudged to "work it out" with Brenda. That made me doubt that I had forgiven her all those years ago because it made me think that reconciliation was a part of forgiveness. I know now that it certainly is not, but that made me doubt.

No more of that. My hands and heart are clean of the mess and I'll not be convinced otherwise.





Something has really caught my eye with this thread. It has been on page 3 of the Relationships folder for quite a while now, but it gets something like 30 or more "hits" every day.[sm=blush.gif] I wonder who is reading it so often.

I'm glad it's being read because there is so much healing here and so many of you have shared your hearts with me as I did with you. It was clear to me very early in this thread that there are many, many of us who have survived abuse and are not ashamed to talk about it. I hope others are reading your words and finding comfort and peace with whatever they have dealt with in their lives. I hope this is a place of healing for others, not just me.[sm=heart.gif]



delete123 -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (6/23/2008 9:01:49 PM)

((((Christi)))))~
Not to change the subject, but.... You and your hubby have got to be estatic about the Cubs stats these days.
Last time they played that well was what? Maybe the 20s lol

Hope all is well

CRH



zmanfan38 -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (6/23/2008 9:52:41 PM)

((((CRH))))

Hey, Hey! I love the subject of the Cubs...no problem.[;)][:D]

We're thrilled about it. They have been in first place in their division since forever and going strong even with a few major players on the DL. That's pretty exciting!

If I remember right, the announcers said that the Cubs haven't played this well since the 30's, so you were really close.

I tell you though, it's one of those things where you're almost afraid to say anything about it out loud. I'm not superstitious...at all... just want to think conservatively just in case, kwim?

The White Sox sweep was sweeeeeeeeeeeeet![:D]





And life is very good. Thanks![:)]



spdrgrl.603 -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (7/2/2008 11:32:32 PM)

i just want to say that after reading what you went through i am sorry but comforted to know that i wasn't alone. my dad hates and resents women. his mom use to beat him with anything she could find as a kid and once tried to kill her husband infront of my dad. ever since my dad hit me, abused me verbally and psycally. i still have nightmares where if he's not beating me he's trying to kill me. i understand what it is to be in your shoes and it helps me to read that you are having a hard time forgiving your mom. she had no right to hurt you. one person i think on the thread about cursing in church told me i should forgive my dad but i just cant now. i think we should forgive but not right away. things like this need baby steps to forgive abusive parents.

zmanfan38 please dont hesitate to pm me about this. good luck whatever you decide!



zmanfan38 -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (7/2/2008 11:56:57 PM)

(((((Spdrgrl))))),

Thanks for reading! I wanted to share this thread with you after reading about what you went through. It has helped me so much and I hope it helps you too.

I actually did forgive her a long time ago. Don't know if you got far enough to read this post (it's a loooooong thread), but here's the jist in a nut shell.[;)]


quote:

ORIGINAL: zmanfan38

I'm not totally sure that I made this point in this thread or not, but felt it was worth telling (or repeating as the case may be[;)]). I forgave Brenda many, many years ago. I have been enjoying the freedom of that forgiveness and have not tried to take it back on my shoulders.

The times in this thread that it sounded like I was struggling with it was because of being nudged to "work it out" with Brenda. That made me doubt that I had forgiven her all those years ago because it made me think that reconciliation was a part of forgiveness. I know now that it certainly is not, but that made me doubt.



I got to a point a long time ago where I decided I didn't want it to consume me any more and forgave. That does not mean we'll have a relationship...at all. Cranky said it so well:


quote:

ORIGINAL: crankius

Forgiveness is often a misunderstood concept in Christianity. Forgiveness means that you no longer bear that debt upon your own shoulders, but instead you place that debt upon the shoulders of Christ. You release yourself from being the debt-bearer. You recognize that Christ not only died for your debts, but for those who would incur debt against you. He is the debt-bearer, willingly.




That's what I did. I gave what happened to me (what she did to me) to The Lord so I didn't have to live in bondage of it anymore. It didn't happen quickly...like you said...baby steps, but I'm free of it. That does not mean that we reconciled...not gonna happen without a life changing, junk purging, heart turning, gut-checking miracle of salvation in her life and even then I'd have to have plenty of time to discern whether or not it was for real (she's a master manipulator).

The fact that you can be free from what happened to you without ever having a relationship with the monster who abused you is what I wanted to share with you. Isn't that cool?[:)]

I'll be praying for you. The abuse you lived through was worse than what I went through and I don't doubt it will take you a long time and a lot of baby steps until you're in a place where you can give it to Him, but you can get there. I hope this thread is an encouragement to you. I know it comforted me (and horrified me at the same time) to know that I'm not the only one who has survived this kind of abuse.



spdrgrl.603 -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (7/3/2008 11:38:16 AM)

actually after reading what your mom did to you my abuse was pretty much the same. and not that you tell me your mom is "quite the manipulator" i'm smiling thinking about this as i respond because my dad was too! that and a control freak.... he always had to be in control.... he told me if i told anyone what he was doing to me i'd be in more trouble so i covered it up by cutting myself with razors and box cutting knives and told my counselor or anyone who asked that it was self infliction.... i'm glad your free from your bondage. [:D]



woodsandfield -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (7/3/2008 12:46:14 PM)

I hope you will keep your daughter and yourself safe from the abusive
mother.
I understand why you would think her concession, " I won't " ( abuse you) means she was sorry but it wasn't. We can forgive but we must never forget. And the forgiveness is between you and God, since she denies she even abused you!
Christians are not doormats and sometimes we
need to use " tough love" ( making people responsible for their actions).
Please keep your little girl and you safe!!!!
I would create space between your aunt, your mother and your family.



zmanfan38 -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (7/3/2008 2:51:41 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: spdrgrl.603

actually after reading what your mom did to you my abuse was pretty much the same. and not that you tell me your mom is "quite the manipulator" i'm smiling thinking about this as i respond because my dad was too! that and a control freak.... he always had to be in control.... he told me if i told anyone what he was doing to me i'd be in more trouble so i covered it up by cutting myself with razors and box cutting knives and told my counselor or anyone who asked that it was self infliction.... i'm glad your free from your bondage. [:D]

Yeah, I remember covering up all the marks and cuts and stuff at school. One day it became just to tiresome a task and I didn't bother anymore. That's when my teachers started asking questions and having the school nurse record my injuries. She finally caught on that I was not covering up my injuries anymore and then she started beating me on my torso. She was like a cat in a litter box...just always hiding the mess.

You don't still live at home, do you?



quote:

ORIGINAL: woodsandfield

I hope you will keep your daughter and yourself safe from the abusive
mother.
I understand why you would think her concession, " I won't " ( abuse you) means she was sorry but it wasn't. We can forgive but we must never forget. And the forgiveness is between you and God, since she denies she even abused you!
Christians are not doormats and sometimes we
need to use " tough love" ( making people responsible for their actions).
Please keep your little girl and you safe!!!!
I would create space between your aunt, your mother and your family.


Hi (((woodsandfield)))!

Good post! Yes, what you said about keeping us away from that mess is a done deal.[;)] It's a looooooong thread, I don't know if you got through all of the posts, but I've said a few times that she won't be in our lives even casually unless there is a
quote:

ORIGINAL: zmanfan38
life changing, junk purging, heart turning, gut-checking miracle of salvation in her life and even then I'd have to have plenty of time to discern whether or not it was for real (she's a master manipulator).



And another layer of this is that we're moving across country next year. We're not moving to get away from Brenda (she's not a factor in anything we do, think, etc), but we're being led to move to the part of the country where my Dad and all of that side of my family are.

I totally agree that Christians should not be doormats. I think to be one would be a slap in the face to our Lord...He did not intend that for our lives.



allisonbrett -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (7/3/2008 4:17:23 PM)

My heart just breaks for you.

I know that others may have had the same advice (I've not read through the 5 pages) but I just wanted to share that reconciliation is important. NOT that you should try to make up to her and be buddies but to reconcile yourself with who your mother is as a person. You know that you cannot change her or her denial of her abuses. You can learn to react differently to her though. I grew up with a neglectful father. I've accepted the fact that he is who he is and I won't change him now. I'm ok with that. I've moved on and don't focus on the past. I've forgiven. I honestly don't make too many attempts at contact either. If I were in your shoes I can't say that I'd attempt to contact her either.

Blessings!!!



zmanfan38 -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (7/4/2008 12:22:56 AM)

((((Allison))))

Thanks for your post!

It took me a while to understand what (I think) you mean by "reconcile yourself with who your mother is as a person". Do you mean that I must accept what she is and what she's done and realize that I can't and could not have changed the outcome?

This quote is from a previous post I made (long thread, I know):

I feel like, because of her denial, that she's a loose cannon. I don't trust her around my child...at all. I don't have relationships with anybody I don't trust around my child, and I don't think that my forgiving her has anything to do with a reconciliation.

There has been no contact since the "you are now a motherless child" email (unless you count a couple of pathetic jabs at me in the subject line of emails). There's not going to be either. Her denial tells me that she's the same monster she always was, just more experienced. I won't ever allow that junk into my life again, and certainly not my child's life...ever.

I did what I was called to do...forgive. She can live out the rest of her days being a lying, denying, manipulating abuser, and that's all on her...my hands are clean.



Sorry, got on a roll there. Thank you for your post![:)]



trainfan -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (7/5/2008 4:29:04 PM)

I read this thread a few weeks ago, to the OP I am sorry you suffered so much.

I wanted to also say how encouraged I have been by the replies. My mom along with one of her siblings have suffered verbal and emotional abuse from one of her other siblings for quite a long time (whenever they see each other that is). My mom will have nothing to do with the abuser. After the abusers last episode my mom called the abuser up and told this person she forgave them for what they said, the abuser never picked up the phone so she left the message on the machine. Lately one of the children of the other abused sibling has been on my mom and their parent to get back together with the abuser as my mom and the other abused sibling "are not living right and will be punished". My mom continues to maintain that she has forgiven the abuser and that is all she needs to do but my cousin insists forgive and forget means forgive and go right back to interacting with the abuser. I have been very encouraged to see that, I think, all the responses I read agree that the victims do not have to continue interacting with their abusers.

Edited to fix my poor typing.



zmanfan38 -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (7/5/2008 8:27:52 PM)

((((trainfan))))

A big amen to your entire post!

I wonder if your cousin would be willing to read this thread?

Congrats to your mom for saying "no!" to being abused. Good for her![:)]



OneOfHisJewels -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (7/5/2008 9:15:54 PM)

I haven't read through all the posts, I have just sort of skimmed, but I am going to say something different that many have said.

People keep telling you to forgive your mother, but I disagree with that. I am NOT saying to hold a grudge, but if you read "from forgiven to forgiving," by Jay Adams, you can't really GRANT someone forgiveness until they ASK for it. I am not saying harbor anger, but turn it over to God, and be ready to forgive her if she asks, but forgiving her without her asking isn't possible. Being willing to is, doing it is not. Don't even worry about it unless she asks you, put it out of your mind. And I agree with the other posters about not having contact with her.

I am sorry she was so abusive. Do you have any evidence as to why? And where was your dad in all this?

By the way, I'm glad your husband now is nice (at least from what I've seen elsewhere he seems to be).



zmanfan38 -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (7/5/2008 9:56:33 PM)

((((Rebekah))))

Thanks for posting![:)]

That's an interesting definition of forgiveness in the book you mentioned...haven't really thought about it in that way before. I can say that I've "forgiven" in that I have given it to The Lord instead of harboring it in my heart. I think it's His to deal with, not mine...because only He could change her heart.

The forgiveness that I've experienced in this is to benefit me and my husband and child and to bless our Lord...it is absolutely not intended for Brenda's benefit. She would have to ask for forgiveness to receive it for herself.

You know, I have always wondered why she turned out the way she did. To answer your question, I just don't know. Her sister didn't turn out that way, so I just don't know.


quote:

ORIGINAL: OneOfHisJewels
And where was your dad in all this?




They separated and divorced when I was very young. She took me several states away from him and he never knew what she was doing to me because I never told him. I hid it because home was such a volatile place and to tell would set the ticking time bomb off. As and adult, I see now that I should have shouted from the mountain tops what was happening to me and ran for my life, but as a child, survival meant making the fewest waves possible. Another reason is because she spent a lot of time saturating my mind with what a terrible father he was.[8|] I never learned what kind of wonderful man he was until decades later and it still took a very long time for me to trust him because of her.

Actually my Dad found out all of this just since this thread was started. I told him about this thread and he read it and was completely shocked.



quote:

ORIGINAL: OneOfHisJewels

By the way, I'm glad your husband now is nice (at least from what I've seen elsewhere he seems to be).


Hubby is definitely a keeper.[sm=thumbsup.gif]


Thanks so much for your post. I just keep being encouraged by all of you in here...what a blessing!!!



saraimay75 -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (7/5/2008 10:16:42 PM)

I just Thank God that you have gone beyond the abused that you have experienced and have not abused your child. You have ended a cycle that could have gone on and on.



zmanfan38 -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (7/5/2008 10:25:03 PM)

Thank you ((((Sarah))))


She deserves a wonderful, happy life and I'd never harm her little body or spirit. God blessed me so much with her. His plan for me to become her mom was a long and painful process with all of the fertility treatments and then the adoption process (the waiting was rough). He made her just for me and I love Him so much for that (well, for everything, but she's one of my most precious blessings in this life).[sm=heart.gif]



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