Making the transition: serious dating (Full Version)

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Above_All -> Making the transition: serious dating (5/13/2008 2:47:15 AM)

I thought it would be wonderful to start some threads that have to do with making transitions in our life...ones that reflect the different seasons in our life. Not looking or dating to serious dating can be considered an early transition in a person's life. So you made a decision to seriously date (vs. not dating or casually "dating").

What kinds of things happen during this time of transition? What's important to consider?

It is my prayer that this and future similar threads will encourage. [:)]



Grace-N-Mercy -> RE: Making the transition: serious dating (5/13/2008 3:10:28 AM)

Awesome thread idea!! I'm sitting here tonight thinking about a transition that has little to do with dating. God and I are going on a new journey starting now and for me it means putting away my passivity and discouragement and taking charge of some things. In this situation that's getting me started, it means dealing with some very powerful people and even more powerful systems.

Where it relates to dating, I am in a period of my life where I'm content with being single... I don't have a lot of time to devote to a relationship right now. That required a transition from having an active social life to having none... zip... nada (though I'm chasing a dream... a passion... instead).

When it comes time for me to seriously consider dating again, I'm sure there will be more changes... putting away any selfish use of time, deciding what I want to hold tightly to and what I'll want to hold loosely to (I will likely hold tightly to my career, though I could be flexible and only work part-time if I'm able.

I'll have to give this more thought and come back later.



Above_All -> RE: Making the transition: serious dating (5/13/2008 3:30:55 AM)

quote:

What kinds of things happen during this time of transition? What's important to consider?


There are many things I can think of but here is just a few to start off. There are obvious answers and not so obvious ones. Here's a few to start...

...Your attitude changes and it can depend on what kind of mode of thinking you have prior to making the decision to seriously date. I find that we are usually our best during this time because we are trying make a good impression on the other person. I think that as much as we believe that we are true to ourselves early on, you are still very far from experiencing life with another person. You are getting to know each other. First impressions and attraction do play a factor. You may change your looks a little. You may go out of your way to impress. But your attitude can be the most positive during this time of transition.

...Your friendships begin to change. Even at this early stage, evidence of change regarding your friendships can occur. Your time and priorities shift a little but not so much that you can't make room or time for your friends. A good indicator to me personally of who will end up your friends in the long run are the ones that are most supportive for you and the ones who don't make a big deal of the less time being spend with them. I find that even at this early stage, you can predict to some extent who will end up staying in your life and who will not. I personally can give you an example of both kinds. One friend of mine whom I have known for years is still my friend, despite not seeing me as often lately. And she doesn't have experience in dating and relationships either. Another gal, I had a good relationship with her the past 4 or 5 years and I know her quite well. She, on the other hand can sometimes have doubtful attitude (remember I met my DF here online) and her expectations are so high that it has affected her ability to support me. We don't talk much lately and I only see her at church. She has become more cordial. Two things about this particular friendship, 1) I don't feel she has any confidence in my judgment and 2) Because we have had two completely different life experiences, she can be more negative and I more positive. And the thing is that it's ok because in this case I feel that it's really meant to be. She's married too. Not single. I find that G-d tends to weed out people in your life AND keep some that will be good and gracious for you.



Above_All -> RE: Making the transition: serious dating (5/13/2008 3:39:54 AM)

quote:

Grace:

When it comes time for me to seriously consider dating again, I'm sure there will be more changes... putting away any selfish use of time, deciding what I want to hold tightly to and what I'll want to hold loosely to (I will likely hold tightly to my career, though I could be flexible and only work part-time if I'm able.


Great points Grace. Your post made me think about something important. If marriage is a reflection of Christ and the Church then transitions in our single life is very much like our relationship with Christ as well! Think about it. When we first come to Christ, we are getting to know him right? We have to put away selfish uses of time to make more time to get to know Him and His Word. And many times we do try to decide what about our lives we want to hold on to. Christians often are flexible in their relationship with G-d too. I've been through that time with G-d.

Eventually though as we get to know G-d, our love for Him eventually grows and we learn to obey and conform to Him. So in retrospect, this transition is very unknown one. You don't know yet where the relationship is going. It's still a very human one. We are open yet our boundaries and individualities are very much still strong.



mutinywxgirl -> RE: Making the transition: serious dating (5/13/2008 5:50:42 AM)

I feel God is calling me to begin preparing for marriage. What that means, I have NO clue. My prayer is that I don't allow that to influence my interaction with my friends too much, since many of them are "virtual". However, I'm also not so unrealistic to realize that things won't change - they will. They always do.

Having accountability partners to help you "keep your head" is vital. For me, at least, I must make sure that I don't get ahead of God's timing in this respect. Women need to have married women who can help us to learn what it means to be in a truly godly marriage and to be a truly godly wife. Men need the same thing with men in their lives.

Changes are inevitable.



WaitingforBoaz -> RE: Making the transition: serious dating (5/13/2008 5:22:54 PM)

My Inlaws have just come to me this week and "released" me to have a new relationship. With the stipulation that they get to give him the 3rd, 4th, and 5th degree before I marry again.[:)] They will do this, I am sure.[8|] So anyway this is a topic that is already on my mind. I will be thinking about it a little deeper and come back and post again.



Above_All -> RE: Making the transition: serious dating (5/13/2008 5:51:12 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mutinywxgirl

I feel God is calling me to begin preparing for marriage. What that means, I have NO clue. My prayer is that I don't allow that to influence my interaction with my friends too much, since many of them are "virtual". However, I'm also not so unrealistic to realize that things won't change - they will. They always do.

Having accountability partners to help you "keep your head" is vital. For me, at least, I must make sure that I don't get ahead of God's timing in this respect. Women need to have married women who can help us to learn what it means to be in a truly godly marriage and to be a truly godly wife. Men need the same thing with men in their lives.

Changes are inevitable.


I think it means someone is coming into your life soon Lisa!

::

Nadine that's cute. The 5th degree is kinda much though. [8D][;)]



shemaromans -> RE: Making the transition: serious dating (5/13/2008 6:02:54 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mutinywxgirl
Having accountability partners to help you "keep your head" is vital. For me, at least, I must make sure that I don't get ahead of God's timing in this respect.

Repeating this part, Lisa. I agree with you completely.



WaitingforBoaz -> RE: Making the transition: serious dating (5/13/2008 7:44:13 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Above_All

quote:

ORIGINAL: mutinywxgirl

I feel God is calling me to begin preparing for marriage. What that means, I have NO clue. My prayer is that I don't allow that to influence my interaction with my friends too much, since many of them are "virtual". However, I'm also not so unrealistic to realize that things won't change - they will. They always do.

Having accountability partners to help you "keep your head" is vital. For me, at least, I must make sure that I don't get ahead of God's timing in this respect. Women need to have married women who can help us to learn what it means to be in a truly godly marriage and to be a truly godly wife. Men need the same thing with men in their lives.

Changes are inevitable.


I think it means someone is coming into your life soon Lisa!

::

Nadine that's cute. The 5th degree is kinda much though. [8D][;)]


Oh, believe me, it will happen. If he can withstand it, he's the man for me.



devinevessel -> RE: Making the transition: serious dating (5/13/2008 9:33:14 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Above_All

quote:

What kinds of things happen during this time of transition? What's important to consider?


There are many things I can think of but here is just a few to start off. There are obvious answers and not so obvious ones. Here's a few to start...

...Your attitude changes and it can depend on what kind of mode of thinking you have prior to making the decision to seriously date. I find that we are usually our best during this time because we are trying make a good impression on the other person. I think that as much as we believe that we are true to ourselves early on, you are still very far from experiencing life with another person. You are getting to know each other. First impressions and attraction do play a factor. You may change your looks a little. You may go out of your way to impress. But your attitude can be the most positive during this time of transition.

...Your friendships begin to change. Even at this early stage, evidence of change regarding your friendships can occur. Your time and priorities shift a little but not so much that you can't make room or time for your friends. A good indicator to me personally of who will end up your friends in the long run are the ones that are most supportive for you and the ones who don't make a big deal of the less time being spend with them. I find that even at this early stage, you can predict to some extent who will end up staying in your life and who will not. I personally can give you an example of both kinds. One friend of mine whom I have known for years is still my friend, despite not seeing me as often lately. And she doesn't have experience in dating and relationships either. Another gal, I had a good relationship with her the past 4 or 5 years and I know her quite well. She, on the other hand can sometimes have doubtful attitude (remember I met my DF here online) and her expectations are so high that it has affected her ability to support me. We don't talk much lately and I only see her at church. She has become more cordial. Two things about this particular friendship, 1) I don't feel she has any confidence in my judgment and 2) Because we have had two completely different life experiences, she can be more negative and I more positive. And the thing is that it's ok because in this case I feel that it's really meant to be. She's married too. Not single. I find that G-d tends to weed out people in your life AND keep some that will be good and gracious for you.



I wanted to make the point bold. This is sooooo important. I have never had a serious dating relationship. There used to be a time I didn't like it when my friends dated because it meant that I would not see them or if I did tt would be me the friend and her boyfriend. As I got older fortunately that changed and my friends always made time for their friends when ever they dated. Sometimes I felt like the third wheel or the last resort because my friend's boyfriend was busy. I think it is very important that friendships be maintained. Friends can be objective and see things we can not see.



BugLady -> RE: Making the transition: serious dating (5/13/2008 11:36:27 PM)

quote:

So you made a decision to seriously date (vs. not dating or casually "dating").


You know, I tried to make this transition. But I got benched again. I've got this thing in my life that must be resolved first. Only I can't resolve it until I know the truth. So I pray and I wait for for the truth.



shemaromans -> RE: Making the transition: serious dating (5/13/2008 11:56:28 PM)

I hope you discover it, BL.



BugLady -> RE: Making the transition: serious dating (5/13/2008 11:58:47 PM)

Thanks, shema. It's really a matter of waiting for the right people to come forward. I'll wait as long as our Father asks me to.



John_O -> RE: Making the transition: serious dating (5/14/2008 9:28:11 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: followtheLeader

My Inlaws have just come to me this week and "released" me to have a new relationship. With the stipulation that they get to give him the 3rd, 4th, and 5th degree before I marry again.[:)] They will do this, I am sure.[8|] So anyway this is a topic that is already on my mind. I will be thinking about it a little deeper and come back and post again.


This was a very good thing for me too. M's folks gave me the same deal. I get to date but they get to approve (after all, the new wife will be their grandchild's (grandchildren's) mom)



Above_All -> RE: Making the transition: serious dating (5/15/2008 2:11:11 AM)

Ok, here's another thing I think it's important...

Emotions. I think that no matter what, you will either not have any at all or have them. Call it infatuation if you like but if things begin to go well, you will experience this. I think there's nothing wrong with it but it's important to learn how to effectively deal with them. Emotional feelings and attractiveness to me is what propels the relationship to move forward. It separates us from our friendships. While it's important it's also one of the hardest things to deal with. You don't want it to dictate or define your relationship as a whole.

I personally feel that strong emotions can lead to many things. It can cause those very unrealistic expectations people can have. It can cause us to really feel depressed if the other person doesn't feel the same way. And in extreme cases, it can lead to temptation. One thing that I have done to deal with my emotions is to not ignore it but to put some of it in my pocket so-to-speak, I guess that means that I have experienced it but I prevented myself from expressing it too much. I even denied it at times just so that I could prevent it from controlling me.



mutinywxgirl -> RE: Making the transition: serious dating (5/15/2008 6:49:37 AM)

quote:

I personally feel that strong emotions can lead to many things. It can cause those very unrealistic expectations people can have. It can cause us to really feel depressed if the other person doesn't feel the same way. And in extreme cases, it can lead to temptation. One thing that I have done to deal with my emotions is to not ignore it but to put some of it in my pocket so-to-speak, I guess that means that I have experienced it but I prevented myself from expressing it too much. I even denied it at times just so that I could prevent it from controlling me.


And this is where that accountability partner is so vital - to help us keep our heads at such times. We do not want to get ahead of what God has for us, and especially we woman are masters at that.



PreserveWildlife -> RE: Making the transition: serious dating (5/15/2008 3:41:50 PM)

I think of what friends of mine have said upon entering various stages of a relationship: it's hard to describe to people who haven't experienced it. It's like speaking of a desert to a fish. But in the spirit of this thread, here are the stages as I understand them:

1. Gushyness
2. Lovey-doveyness
3. False intimacy
4. Fear
5. Real intimacy
6. Stronger love
7. Fear
8. Resolution
9. Fear
10. Commitment



WaitingforBoaz -> RE: Making the transition: serious dating (5/15/2008 7:15:56 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: PreserveWildlife

I think of what friends of mine have said upon entering various stages of a relationship: it's hard to describe to people who haven't experienced it. It's like speaking of a desert to a fish. But in the spirit of this thread, here are the stages as I understand them:

1. Gushyness
2. Lovey-doveyness
3. False intimacy
4. Fear
5. Real intimacy
6. Stronger love
7. Fear
8. Resolution
9. Fear
10. Commitment

I can see where those could be the stages for some men. I think for a woman the stages would be somewhat different.



WaitingforBoaz -> RE: Making the transition: serious dating (5/15/2008 7:37:07 PM)

This is the list I came up with(for women), it is by no means complete and would vary considering the individual and relationship history.

1. Attraction
2. Friendship/mild intimacy
3. Physical relationship/kissing,hugging,holding hands,sitting close
4. Attachment/infatuation
5. Deeper intimacy/sharing of hopes, dreams and desires in context of relationship
6. Love/Feeling of being “in Love”
7. Commitment


Edited for clarity



rcudawg -> RE: Making the transition: serious dating (5/15/2008 10:26:12 PM)

I think that I'm past the help that this thread might be able to give me... [8D]

Seriously, though.... Moving.. Getting married... Getting promoted in my work... When can I have a break?! [8|]

But... Change is necessary... It's a royal pain the the.... ughhh.... Donkey?? Yeah.. That's right.. [8D] But, every relationship changes. And, change isn't always bad. As a husband and wife get older, their relationship with slowly change. Hopefully, more deeply and intimate. But, change it will.

Right now, I'm going through so much change, I think someone is changing me into different animals... [sm=chick.gif][sm=frog.gif][sm=mouse.gif][sm=pig.gif][sm=moocow.gif][sm=pirateparot.gif][sm=kitty2.gif][sm=yummy.gif]

In Christ,

RC



WaitingforBoaz -> RE: Making the transition: serious dating (5/15/2008 10:40:06 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: rcudawg

I think that I'm past the help that this thread might be able to give me... [8D]

Seriously, though.... Moving.. Getting married... Getting promoted in my work... When can I have a break?! [8|]

But... Change is necessary... It's a royal pain the the.... ughhh.... Donkey?? Yeah.. That's right.. [8D] But, every relationship changes. And, change isn't always bad. As a husband and wife get older, their relationship with slowly change. Hopefully, more deeply and intimate. But, change it will.

Right now, I'm going through so much change, I think someone is changing me into different animals... [sm=chick.gif][sm=frog.gif][sm=mouse.gif][sm=pig.gif][sm=moocow.gif][sm=pirateparot.gif][sm=kitty2.gif][sm=yummy.gif]

In Christ,

RC


Congratulations on your marriage. Yes you are right. A relationship does take lots of twists and turns. Enjoy them all! I was married for almost twenty years and they were the best years of my life. Enjoy!
I like your Signature BTW.
~Blessings~
Nadine



rcudawg -> RE: Making the transition: serious dating (5/15/2008 10:44:55 PM)

Clarification.... Sharon and I are engaged and will be married in August. We're not married... Yet.... Still, a lot of change in my life. At least it's spread out fairly well.

In Christ,

RC



BugLady -> RE: Making the transition: serious dating (5/16/2008 12:20:56 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: PreserveWildlife

I think of what friends of mine have said upon entering various stages of a relationship: it's hard to describe to people who haven't experienced it. It's like speaking of a desert to a fish. But in the spirit of this thread, here are the stages as I understand them:

1. Gushyness
2. Lovey-doveyness
3. False intimacy
4. Fear
5. Real intimacy
6. Stronger love
7. Fear
8. Resolution
9. Fear
10. Commitment


Interesting perspective from a man.

Someone recently told me dating is a high stakes game. If you don't "win it all" it appears as a loss to the world. I don't like to think of dating as a game. It should be fun, but not a high stakes game.



Above_All -> RE: Making the transition: serious dating (5/16/2008 3:32:54 AM)

Omigosh Ray posted. Hi Ray! [sm=wave.gif] One of those animals doesn't happen to be have cat would it? [;)] But you are so right that change can be overwhelming. I think in terms of this particular stage of serious dating, usually there is not too much change going on. Not unless it's a very unique relationship. We both have very unique relationships indeed...

Having said that, the stages can vary so much between couple to couple. My John and I met online. That alone has made the "stages" very different for us. The biggest difference is that physical attractiveness was not what drove us in the beginning. that came a little later cause well, when you begin a relationship online, you don't see each other like you would in person. So it can vary.



John_O -> RE: Making the transition: serious dating (5/16/2008 8:40:16 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BugLady

quote:

ORIGINAL: PreserveWildlife

I think of what friends of mine have said upon entering various stages of a relationship: it's hard to describe to people who haven't experienced it. It's like speaking of a desert to a fish. But in the spirit of this thread, here are the stages as I understand them:

1. Gushyness
2. Lovey-doveyness
3. False intimacy
4. Fear
5. Real intimacy
6. Stronger love
7. Fear
8. Resolution
9. Fear
10. Commitment


Interesting perspective from a man.

Someone recently told me dating is a high stakes game. If you don't "win it all" it appears as a loss to the world. I don't like to think of dating as a game. It should be fun, but not a high stakes game.


On the list. I'd move commitment prior to real intimacy. I may be odd but I'm not going to be really intimate with someone unless I'm committed to them. And if not there definitely before Stronger love. I will not allow myself to love someone who I cannot be committed to, and who would not be committed to me.

As to dating being a high stakes game. It should be fun, but if you're dating intentionally (That is, to find a mate not just to have a good time) then each date could be a life changing experience. It's very risky to a guy to get married at all these days (Some men would rather just buy a house for someone they don't like than take that risk again). So when you add the investment of your heart into it it is high stakes.

The return if you win is phenomenal.

The loss if you get out quick is minimal

The problem is that so many people hang on thinking it will get better.

(Ladies forgive me but I'm stepping up on my soapbox for a moment:

If hit hits or mistreats you, he's a loser and he will not change. Dump him instantly. If he cheats on you, dump him (I know this doesn't happen here but it needs to be said---> If he cheats with you. Dump him). If he won't work, dump him. Don't swallow the common lie "It'll be different for us. My love will change him" Wake up and smell the coffee. If he hasn't chnaged yet he's not going to change for you either.)

I usually know by the third date if we have a future. (Obviously I've not made many third dates since I started looking for a wife.) If you don't work well, cut your losses, end it and move on.



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