Husband's career (Full Version)

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treasure_above -> Husband's career (5/13/2008 1:38:26 PM)

My husband and I have moved several times for his career. At times we've lived out of the country but each move only seems fullfilling for a few years and then he becomes restless/anxious for change. Lately, he's been dreaming and talking of moving back to our hometown where our parents are still living. I'm concerned because we have a nice home and I know the economy isn't very good in our hometown. How do you wives handle a husband that never seems content? Husbands, how can I support my husband without my world falling apart, again?



ChoirDJ -> RE: Husband's career (5/13/2008 4:05:00 PM)

I would be concerned about your husband's mental health given his inability to settle down. Perhaps he needs you to be a voice of reason. As a man, I'm all for having the support of a loving spouse but there comes a time when the changes become excessive. Perhaps you coud encourage him to seek out professional help. Being supportive of your husband does not mean going along with every whim he comes up with. It appears the most supportive thing to do in this particular situation is to help him face whatever he is running from through all the moves.



DustyLady -> RE: Husband's career (5/13/2008 8:09:19 PM)

Is he continuing to work in the same career, just doing it in different places? Or is he starting out on a totally new venture each time?

Speaking for myself, I have moved every 3 months or so for over 3 years. In the health-care industry, there is a great demand for people to work short-term contracts -- maternity leaves, temporary surges in business, and so on. I originally took this kind of a job to earn enough money to help put my husband through college. However, there are people who have done this sort of thing for many more years than I have, and who find a great deal of satisfaction in it. I know that there is a lot of demand for short-term contractors in the I.T. field, and some others, as well.

If you don't have children, you might want to check something like this out. My company provides me with free furnished housing. It's a wonderful experience.

Dusty



3cappuccinosmom -> RE: Husband's career (5/13/2008 9:15:54 PM)

quote:

How do you wives handle a husband that never seems content?


Accept that life is going to be an adventure? [8D]

My husband isn't restless so much as visionary, and sometimes his dreams involve us moving. We have moved three times in 5 years of marraige and will probably be moving again this fall. I used to hate it but it's him, so there I am.

I decided to let it be an adventure instead of a pain and that way my world *doesn't* fall apart when he brings up the next house he wants to buy to move us into. [:D]



treasure_above -> RE: Husband's career (5/13/2008 10:29:02 PM)

He's pretty much in the same line of work. My world never really fell apart before. Adventure is how I used to look at things but we've been married for a while now and have children. I thought we were finally living his dream and I guess after trying it, he's decided that it wasn't really his dream after all. The market isn't very good and selling the beautiful home we have won't be easy. I don't know when we'd ever be able to sell it and buying a home in our hometown right now doesn't look good as the market isn't good there either.

ChoirDJ, I've wondered the same and he's spoken to a counselor a couple of times. I tried to remind him of one visit with a counselor and he doesn't remember the situation the same way that I do now. For as long as we've been married, I see the patterns. I understand some of the moves and all along thought they were steps to fulfilling his dreams in life. If he's tried his dream and it doesn't work for him, I can make a change again if that will make him finally happy but I'm slowing down and some of my adventure has left.



DustyLady -> RE: Husband's career (5/14/2008 7:05:12 AM)

I think you and your husband need to analyze this situation. Is this an opportunity for change sent by God? There have been many times in my life when I've been unsatisfied with my current situation, and prayed for help. Then, sometimes perhaps years later, when I'm least expecting it, God opens a door for me that looks to take me in a direction I never would have anticipated for myself. And I've grown tremendously as a person because of having faith that God will direct me.

I spent 15 years doing speech therapy in schools. I wasn't happy, but I didn't really see a way to correct the situation. Then I lost my position due to budget cut-backs and put my resume out on the web. In less than a week, I had eight offers to work in long-term care. I figured that was God's way of telling me that it was time for a career change. And it turned out to be a good move. Then, a couple of years later, my husband had the opportunity to go to college and earn the degree he had always wanted. This created a problem, in that I was unable to earn enough money to support both of us in my current job, so I took this job that has had me moving every few months. (And living apart from my husband, by the way.) Now, we've both been rewarded, as my husband has finished college and was offered a position by the nursing home I'm currently contracting with. Strangely, a month later, I found out my contract is expiring, and we both began to get worried, thinking that now we were finally together but I would have to move again. But God made available a contract just a few miles from where I'm working now.

Put it in God's hands. He'll show you what He wants you to do.

Dusty



mbgb -> RE: Husband's career (5/14/2008 7:20:09 AM)

I'll be praying for your situation. I think as we get older, and especially once children are involved, it is very important to try to find one single place where you can settle, so you can offer them stability. Because now their lives are only going to begin to get confusing, they need to know that home is always there and is a stable place to come back to. I think the advice given already is very good, it sounds like you need to begin looking at the root of his inability to settle down. It seems as though there's more to that. I'm praying!



cynthia -> RE: Husband's career (5/15/2008 1:21:06 PM)

Marriage isn't about the dreams of one person. When a couple gets married, they are supposed to be as one. This means that both parties have to work together for what is best for the family. When one person's dreams take precedence over the values and needs of the family unit, the person is putting himself above others and is in sin. To go along with that is enabling sinful behavior.

If there is a good reason for moving and your dream of staying in one place is based on selfish motives, then you need to make a change. However, that doesn’t sound like the issue, from what you have told us. It sounds like your husband is sinfully putting his desires over the needs of his family. If that is the case, it is time for a serious discussion between the two of you. Sometimes it is difficult to do what is best for the family. Sometimes submitting to one’s husband means doing the hard thing and telling him that you can’t go along with his idea, but need to work through it and together find the right thing for your family. A husband that asserts himself over his wife and family is out of order and not walking according to God’s ways. Going along with that kind of behavior isn’t helping him and wives are supposed to help their husbands, not enable their bad behavior.



ChoirDJ -> RE: Husband's career (5/15/2008 6:20:15 PM)

cynthia and mbgb already made the additional points I was going to make. It's one thing to explore many options when a man is married with no children and the spouse is on board with the adventure. It's quite another thing when a man has a family and that family has to be uprooted every time he has a "change of heart." You have to draw the line at some point.



treasure_above -> RE: Husband's career (5/15/2008 10:20:56 PM)

I really appreciate your thought and especially mbgb's prayers, how sweet!

After watching him the past couple of days and after his comments tonight I expect us to move back to our hometown, I just don't know when. Part of me just wishes our home would sell so it could all be over with. When we move back, I'm not planning on moving again unless I have to. I wish I coud tell you everything but I just can't. Thank you for your thoughts. It helps a little to be able to write about it. This must be like a guessing game when one has to be so illusive.



cynthia -> RE: Husband's career (5/15/2008 10:42:21 PM)

It sounds like you are living in a very unhealthy situation. Perhaps you could seek counseling to help set appropriate boundaries.



Christian30 -> RE: Husband's career (5/15/2008 10:49:22 PM)

I grew up in the same town and moving away almost 30 years ago and never came back to live. It's been easy for me to settle down. My wife moved constantly as a child, and as an adult it has been hard for her to be content in 1 place.

We live in Houston, a very "melting pot" society, and I find similar tendencies in others with our respective backgrounds, but there are many exceptions. Where we live though, moving every few years is NOT excessive, but in my hometown in Mississippi (far less progressive) it definitely would be. Also, moving to the area where both of your parents live sounds wise to me. I don't know how far away you are from them, which makes a difference. My first 12 years away from my hometown were fine, then my Dad got sick for a long period and died, and to be honest with you, it was a nightmare.

Now my wife wants to move to California. Her father is dead and her mother aging and lives near us. I have no desire to do so and leave my mil, and deep down my wife knows that is best, but she is restless.

To say the OP's husband has mental health problems based on information presented seems a major stretch to me, but that's juust my opinion.



treasure_above -> RE: Husband's career (5/15/2008 11:06:36 PM)

Let's try this at another angle. If I told you we don't live in the country right now, would that help? I think we both thought that we'd like living out of the country but I don't think we both like it any more. Especially, since he doesn't! I think that because of the pressures of living in a foreign country, he even got emotionally abusive. We both had counseling and he's much better but he's not perfect and nobody is. When I see us, in the states, we are both more relaxed and normal. I think it really would be better for us to move back. It's just really hard since I thought this was his dream. He is successful here but I don't think he's really happy and if he's not happy, than I can feel it. I just can't relax when he's like that. I tried to enjoy this home and today he wouldn't give me the money to buy some inexpensive curtains for a spare room. It really hurt my feelings because he just didn't communicate effectively about it. When I spoke to him about it when our kids weren't around he finally said that our home was for sale and it wasn't a priority to buy new curtains. He basically complained that I was acting like I was going to live here forever when the house is for sale. The market is really bad here and we don't know when we could possibly find a buyer. Recently we had a trip to the states and bought a few things to do a little light remodeling in the house. When we were at the store, his response to when I could buy the curtains was before company came.


edited for grammar and another thought



treasure_above -> RE: Husband's career (5/17/2008 10:49:21 AM)

I had a couple of heart to heart talks with hubby yesterday. Thanks to another thread on depression, I figured that was the reason for the behavior in my husband.
I don't really want to move, but we have children that would like jobs soon and they can't work here.

After breaking down and speaking with my Mother, she recommend a turtle shell.

I think I'll just let him do what he wants for the sake of our kids. No jobs and no home to move to.



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