When to know when / (Full Version)

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pepsimom7 -> When to know when / (5/13/2008 6:34:17 PM)

my son is 16 he has several girls that are friends. he spends alot of his free time talking to them, emailing them and even writing letters. I happened to find a letter and the girl was sharing how she was thinking of cutting herself, I confronted my son and he said that he is thier for her to support her and encourage her. HE said her mom knows but wont take her to counseling so that is why he is thier for her to encourage her and pray for her. I wanted to read the letters so that she is not getting to detailed with him. He refuses to let me read more than 2 pages he picks the 2 pages I can read, I asked him why and he said because he shares his personal feelings to her and he has the right to share his feelings about things and I dont need to know his feelings. I said how can I encourage you if i dont know what you are hurting about. He is a great kid he comes home when told he is not into trouble he comes to church every sunday so am i making this a bigger deal than i should?? we met the family this past week and my husband made the comment she looks happy and like she has things all together, but I said some people are better at hiding things then others. our youth pastor said we should see the letters but he refuses. has anyone been in this situation before with thier teenage son, he has three sisters no brothers.



shadowspring -> RE: When to know when / (5/13/2008 6:50:57 PM)

I've been in similar situations, pepsimom, but I have never been refused access to a letter. My dd deleted her IMs before handing me her phone once though. She lost the phone for two weeks.

In my case, my dd was talking all romantic and gushy and didn't want me to know about it. Maybe that is your son's concern?

I would try talking to your son again, and telling him that as his parents you have a responsibility to know what's going on in his life. Assure him that you will not mock his feelings or use what you discover against him. He might also believe himself "in love" with this girl. The last thing he wants is for someone to ridicule his feelings.

If he does have strong feelings for her, they are real feelings. He should be allowed to have them. If she is that important to him, I think she should be important to you. Use the information you find out from the letter to pray for your son and support him as a growing young man, not to come down on him. Remember, feelings are very strong at this age, and also very transient. I wouldn't get too worried if he expresses deep feelings for the girl. But it would alert me to pray and be watchful!

However if he refuses to be transparent in his relationship with this girl, I'd tell him you will have to assume the worst and end the relationship. I would say that you want to trust him, and you want to be trustworthy for him, and that him showing you the letter is the best way you can establish that trust.

Anyway, that's my .02 cents.



ChoirDJ -> RE: When to know when / (5/13/2008 7:35:35 PM)

It would be fighting the wrong battle to focus on convincing your son to let you read his letters. Perhaps you could express your concerns about this minor's welfare to your son and the importance of seeking the help of an adult if she is continuing to express suicidal thoughts. I'm sure your son wouldn't want her to get hurt (or worse) and have to carry that burden around because he didn't let a responsible adult know what was going on. He may be too caught up in the flattery of being a confidant to understand the seriousness of the situation. The issue is that there is a minor who is feeling desperate enough to act out in self-destructive ways. You mentioned that you met the girl's parents but have you expressed your concerns directly. I wouldn't assume the parents knew anything unless you told them person yourself...Besides, your son may be actually contributing to the problem by being a buffer for her when she may need professional intervention.

I partly disagree with the previous poster about telling him you'll assume the worse and end the relationship if he has generally been a responsible child in all other areas. Kids this age need (and deserve) some degree of privacy as long as they haven't done anything to indicate otherwise. I would suggest you express to him that you want to believe the best about him but you would be very disappointed and hurt if you found out otherwise. Talk to him about the importance of maintain trust and how it could never be fully restored in most cases once it's been broken. At 16, he needs to be given a little more room on the leash to make some mistakes (which he will) and hopefully learn from them while he is under your wings.



DustyLady -> RE: When to know when / (5/13/2008 9:11:04 PM)

I think your son is old enough to be able to keep his private correspondence just that -- private. If my mother demanded to see the letters that I sent and/or recieved, that would totally eliminate any trust that I had in her.

By all means, encourage your son to come to you if he hears something that concerns him. But please don't require him to share everything with you. He's old enough for privacy in this kind of thing.

Dusty



deermousie -> RE: When to know when / (5/14/2008 12:30:36 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChoirDJ
Kids this age need (and deserve) some degree of privacy as long as they haven't done anything to indicate otherwise. I would suggest you express to him that you want to believe the best about him but you would be very disappointed and hurt if you found out otherwise. Talk to him about the importance of maintain trust and how it could never be fully restored in most cases once it's been broken. At 16, he needs to be given a little more room on the leash to make some mistakes (which he will) and hopefully learn from them while he is under your wings.


I agree with this. At this age, you've trained them and they need to exercise what you've taught them. If they haven't shown any immoral or really bad judgement , then just be available to talk, but tell them you trust them to use their good judgement. Then pray like crazy that God will guide and protect them. A 16 yo will be out of the house in less than 2 years, so let them flap those wings while you are still there to help if they really blow it.



preserved -> RE: When to know when / (5/14/2008 12:31:34 PM)

I agree that your 16 year old son should have some privacy...However, I am more concern with the female the suidical attempts...When things gets out of hand...then everyone wonders why no one took noticed. Perhaps he is helping her but no one knows...the other triggering thought is that he indicates her mother knows but will not take her in for counseling?



Sadey -> RE: When to know when / (5/17/2008 9:27:51 PM)

I think because you found the letter and now know about the cutting that puts you in a difficult position. Could you talk to your son about what to do if she carries out her threats? Make sure he understands the seriousness of her problems while at the same time making sure he knows what to do if something bad is about to happen. Maybe get some steps in place so he will know what to.

I would leave reading the letters alone. He needs some privacy and how embarressing to have your mom read your letters, even when they are totally innocent.



jaimestarcross -> RE: When to know when / (5/19/2008 4:14:01 PM)

I would equipment my son with info about cutting and where to find help.
I respect privacy - this is a major thing with teens! (it sure was for me!)

Does the school having counseling?
If not I'd inform/share all the necessary info about cutting at the school they attend
and see to it that they know about young people who are cutting.



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