When to stop trying? (Full Version)

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Itooamcalled -> When to stop trying? (5/16/2008 12:35:58 PM)

I have a situation that I would like some feed back on please.

I have a friend that I was pretty close to for about 15 years. She and I were close but not our husbands. She lives in my home town and attended my home church.

We went walk through some hard times together and supported each other like sisters would.

About 7 years ago my husband and I moved out of town but continued to come back to visit family and firends about once a month at which time I always made an attempt to contact her.

For a while we kept in touch about every week and then over the last few years not so much. Mostly on her part, but I am to blame as well.

Now my husband and I have moved back and I have made contact with her about 6 times. Calling her, going over to visit her, and sending her emails...........

Here is my question.............She has never made any effort to get in touch with me since we've been back. In fact, we have been back in town for 9 months and she hasn't called me once.

Each time I've spoken with her it is as if everything is the same as it used to be but she has not put any effort into the relationship..............my extended family has been asking me how she is doing and I am answering them "I don't know, I haven't talked to her in months" then they want to know why and I tell them that I have made contact with her the last 6 or so times and she hasn't seemed to want to.

Am I wrong in thinking that she has moved on from our friendship and isn't interested in picking it up or am I wrong in not continuing to make the contact?

Not doing anything for now until I can figure this one out.

Let me know your thoughts.



ChoirDJ -> RE: When to stop trying? (5/16/2008 12:59:37 PM)

There may be several reasons why she is no longer reciprocating the friendship as she once did. Perhaps you should have a matter-of-fact (but nonaccusatory) discussion with her about what's going on on her end. She may be going through some life challenges that have nothing to do with you perse. Some people tend to withdraw socially when they are having a rough time whereas others tend to look outward for support. Given the fact that you both shared a close relationship for many years, it's worth having the discussion.



Focusing -> RE: When to stop trying? (5/16/2008 1:22:20 PM)

quote:

Some people tend to withdraw socially when they are having a rough time

I agree with this. She may be going through a rough patch in her marriage, or some other personal issue. And because you two have grown apart a bit, even though you are there in town again, it may be too much (emotionally painful) for her to explain things. Also, there may have been things, such as yellow flags or even red flags, going on that she didn't recognize until more recently, and she could be embarrassed or ashamed and not want to talk about them ... but is rather internalizing it. This is what was going on with me before my divorce. I will always be grateful for my friends who chose to be there when I needed them, and supported me when I needed it the most.

Don't write her off. Just continue to let her know from time to time that you are thinking about her, and don't hesitate to leave a voice message, or text, or email to see if she wants to get together for coffee. You never know when a friend can reach out and really need you to be there.


On the other hand, she may just be going through some changes in her life and other people have taken a higher place on her priority list.


When friends move apart it can be painful.



DustyLady -> RE: When to stop trying? (5/16/2008 7:59:18 PM)

I have a very dear friend; probably my best friend in the world. We have known each other for a number of years. Long ago, I came to the realization that if we were going to communicate, or do anything together, I was going to have to be the instigator. Even then, we might plan to do something together only to have her cancel at the last minute. And yet, we care deeply for each other. We can talk for an hour or more.

I used to get irritated with my friend. Finally, I just had to accept that she is the way she is. If I want to be friends with her, it must be on her terms.

You may need to do the same with your friend.

Dusty



stimulus -> RE: When to stop trying? (5/18/2008 12:42:51 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DustyLady

I have a very dear friend; probably my best friend in the world. We have known each other for a number of years. Long ago, I came to the realization that if we were going to communicate, or do anything together, I was going to have to be the instigator. Even then, we might plan to do something together only to have her cancel at the last minute. And yet, we care deeply for each other. We can talk for an hour or more.

I used to get irritated with my friend. Finally, I just had to accept that she is the way she is. If I want to be friends with her, it must be on her terms.

You may need to do the same with your friend.

Dusty



I'm like Dusty's friend. It's terrible, I know. I don't like to think I make my friends be friends with me on my terms, as she referred to it, but I'm terrible about reciprocating and staying in touch. I've done it to pretty much every friend. I do it to my sister. I do it to my mom. And my brother, well, he's really out of luck.

I've been friends with someone for about 15 years. We grew up together; I count her as one of my best friends. About a month ago, she moved back to town after being gone for a year. I think I called her once while she was gone, and that was after getting an email from her asking me to call. I did better keeping in touch by email after that, and we spoke again when she called. When she moved back, I did initiate contact, but I haven't been good about staying in contact. I haven't seen her in nearly a month, since the day I helped her unpack.

I have another friend, from college. She'll call from time-to-time; I haven't called her in ages. We'll exchange messages online, and she'll tell me of other friends who have asked about me and want to reconnect. But do I call her more often? Do I call my old college friends? Nope. I didn't pick up the phone and stay in touch following graduation, and I still don't.

It's terrible. I know I need to get better at that part of friendship. But trust me, if anyone of them were to call me tomorrow and ask for anything, I would be there. I still consider them my friends. I just don't call. [:'(]

My suggestion is to not give up on your friend. If you enjoy the time together and she seems to enjoy your conversation, keep calling and keep asking her to do things with you. If she seems reluctant, you can back off, respecting that things have changed. But don't assume she doesn't value the friendship just because she doesn't call. You can do all the initiating for now. If you want to talk to her, don't want for the phone to ring. Although I seem to have great trouble doing it, it's not that hard to dial the phone. [;)]



jaimestarcross -> RE: When to stop trying? (5/19/2008 4:02:08 PM)

Just leave the door open (so to speak.)
Don't go out of your way to pursue this friendship if she's not responding.

I have a long time friend who re-married her ex husband last year -
she's had no contact with me since this re-marriage (all the info I've gotten about her comes from her mom, who keeps in touch with me.)
I was good friends with the daughter for well over 20 years... so don't feel bad,
I have decided to leave the door open and see what happens... the choice is hers!



April75 -> RE: When to stop trying? (5/19/2008 4:45:32 PM)

She may not mean anything by it. Maybe she just see's it as you drifted apart. She may not be "use" to you being friends anymore.

I am terrible with returning calls to people. I mainly just stick to my circle which is my mom and sister. I have a couple of distant relatives who are more like aquaintances and they seem to be disturbed because I don't return calls right away(just to chit chat). I have no problem now and again and I have nothing against them. They think that I'm being funny. I just don't feel I have the time to keep up with them weekly or daily.

Maybe you should just say to her that you miss the friendship and see what she says.



preserved -> RE: When to stop trying? (5/19/2008 5:16:28 PM)

It may not be her...you did say that the husbands did not get along...I would just leave the door open and just let things be....It could also mean that she has outgrown the friendship...You were away for 7 years...Naturally things are not going to be the same



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