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BigDan -> Standing Outside of Heaven (5/17/2008 3:01:55 AM)
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I could use some prayer, and maybe some wisdom. I heard a song the other day that had a lyric that went, "I'm standing outside of heaven waiting for God to come and get me." That was exactly how I feel. I moved coasts on God's leading with my wife and two young kids. Left my job, my church, my family, and my friends. I figured God was leading us to bless us. But, here we are. Eight months later. No money. No job. Living with my inlaws. Applied to graduate school but was rejected. I'm not qualified for any other decent paying job because of the narrow field I was in. Feel humiliated. I'm studying to get licensed in my field out here, though I had wanted to leave that field and it was the last thing that I wanted to do. But I have to work and feed my family. Had a dream the other night where my teeth fell out and I found out that I was dying. Had a second dream where my family was dropped on the dark side of the moon to live in outer space with no atmosphere to protect and nurture us. We could just be hit by meteorites or just float away into the black void of space. Woke up in terror. I've been having chest pains. I don't think it's heart related since I'm in my 30s and fairly healthy. I guess it must be related to my stress. I feel like I am living in a strange bizzaro dream. Kind of like a movie that follows someone's life around a fork in the road, but I feel like I'm the part of the movie following the life where I took a wrong turn. The wrong turn that I made was when I put down a huge investment on a stock that crumbled. This was against my better judgment and my wife's wishes. A lot of heart ache and strain on the marriage from that. But even without that mistake, we'd still be pretty much in the same boat. I've come to really understand the Israelites a lot better than I did before all of this. When they were in Egypt suffering, they probably dreamed of better days. When Moses came and led them out, they were probably thinking to themselves that great things were ahead. But when trouble came, they were probably puzzled and disappointed. And eventually they complained a lot. It was because they were expecting something really great, but instead they got a lot of wandering around in the desert eating manna and quail. They were probably dreaming of lush green fields and vineyards and peace and rest and joy. I guess I understand them a lot better now because I was expecting a little of something like that too when I made the decision to follow God's leading. I know that God did intend to bless them but their unbelief and idolatry kept them from God's blessing. So, I'm trying to keep hopeful and faithful. I don't want to miss God's blessing. But it's hard to do that when things are tough and you can't see anything good on the horizon. I don't know. Feeling down. I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself. Got to snap out of it and get back to work. Provide for this family. Just put my head down and put my nose to the grind stone. If God wants to bless me, He'll bless me. Other than that, I guess I just have to do what I have to do. But the disappointment is hard to shake, you know what I mean?
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