Dh wants to stay at our church, I don't (Full Version)

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csl7037 -> Dh wants to stay at our church, I don't (5/17/2008 1:14:28 PM)

Our church has had some rough times; lots of people (friends) have left in a few different waves over the last few years. Things seem to be looking up, I guess. New people are coming. My heart's just not in it. There was a big blowup about a year ago (a little less maybe) when I wanted to go but I didn't really say much. I knew if we left, I needed it to be dh's decision (for a few reasons). I gave him time but really thought he'd end up saying, "yes, let's go." ...he didn't. I've tried to get excited about where the church is going, our new building, etc. I just seem to be disappointed over and over by our church. I know no church is perfect. I just feel dead there.

On the flip side, my kids go to an awesome school at a very large church on the other side of town. I'm there five days/week. Most of my friends are there. This week, the Pastor and his teenaged son were killed in a plane crash. I'm so heartbroken with this church, not for it. Dh has only paid passing attention to it like another news story. The sweet spirit of this church has really shown this week. I sat in the sanctuary shortly after we got the news (it was in the middle of the school day), watching members and staff hugging each other, crying, and praying. I wondered if our church would come together like that in a similar circumstance - I don't think so. It used to feel like a community but I don't think it does anymore.

A lot of local churches have really come to the plate and helped out with the food, parking, and other things during the memorial service this morning. As soon as I got the news of the plane being missing, I passed it along to my church; I don't think anyone there has really reached out to this church or made much of a gesture. I could be wrong. But friends at my gym have seemed more geniunely concerned than my friends or people from our church!

Should I push the issue with dh and let him know how really unhappy I am at our church? Or do I just have an attiude problem and need to view it as an issue of submission?



3cappuccinosmom -> RE: Dh wants to stay at our church, I don't (5/17/2008 1:36:05 PM)

quote:

Should I push the issue with dh and let him know how really unhappy I am at our church? Or do I just have an attiude problem and need to view it as an issue of submission?


Just from my own personal experience:

Wait and pray.
[:)]
If you haven't already told him specifically what is wrong, go ahead and do that (respectfully), but then leave it alone for a while.

When we moved here we immediately ended up in a large, multicultural church which originally seemed like a great place. However, I have never been comfortable with the "mega church" feel, and it took us a good two years to work our way into the community and get to know people. Even still, most people are way too busy and program-oriented for the kind of fellowship we wish for. I was also a little uncomfortable with the direction the church was leaning doctrine wise.

For a while I took every opportunity to point out the problems to dh, and that almost seemed to make him *more* stubbornly set on staying. [&o] He felt I really did have an attitude problem, and he was partly right. I wasn't addressing it in the right way. So I backed off.

Right now, dh is keeping his eye open for different church we could go to. He doesn't want to entirely break with this one, but things have come up with guest preachers and people the church is associating with that he simply cannot ignore. And he too is missing the kind of community and fellowship that he was brought up with.

Right now it is just hanging in the balance. At some point, the pastor or a guest preacher will say something that I am certain will tip dh into the "Let's get out of here" mode. However, in the meantime God has been teaching me some things. I started participating in the children's ministry, getting to know the other moms, and "blooming where I'm planted". And it's not so bad. I've been given opportunities to minister to others and be a witness, and been given opportunities to mature as a Christian, which I wouldn't have had if we'd left when I'd wanted to.



isaacsmom -> RE: Dh wants to stay at our church, I don't (5/17/2008 1:53:22 PM)

I agree with Maggie. Wait and pray. If you feel your church is having real heart/compassion issues, then definitely be in prayer for that situation. If the Lord is not telling the both of you to move on, then maybe you are to be used by him there, or he is going to speak to your dh in time. It's not always easy waiting for the Lord's timing. I really empathize with you in this situation. But place it in the Lord's hands. When I've had times like this, I have gone to Him and said "I don't understand this, Lord, but I want my heart to be open to your will. Please guide dh and I and bring us to one accord". Chances are he won't show you his direction right away, but in just giving that burden to him, and being willing, peace comes. Sometimes, when I share my concerns with dh, we pray together. I'm embarrassed to say we didn't pray together for the first several years of our marriage. Wow, what a difference it makes to approach the throne together!



Sideways -> RE: Dh wants to stay at our church, I don't (5/17/2008 3:24:54 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: 3cappuccinosmom
For a while I took every opportunity to point out the problems to dh, and that almost seemed to make him *more* stubbornly set on staying.


I used to have the same sort of contrarien problem as your dH. If I felt my hubby was being to pushy or trying to act like he knew better then me, I'd dig in my heels and do the exact opposite of what he was trying to push on me. Now he knows how to bring something up in a way that won't immediately get my back up, and I've learned to listen to what he has to say. We've both grown up a little.

As to the OP, I don't think nagging will help. Look for good opportunities to discuss the matter; times when he's open to discussion. I don't think you need to mention it once and then drop it. Keep the discussion ongoing, but pick your times carefully and be wise about how you say things, you know?

And always continue to pray....



danas_mom -> RE: Dh wants to stay at our church, I don't (5/17/2008 7:44:33 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: csl7037

I wanted to go but I didn't really say much. I knew if we left, I needed it to be dh's decision (for a few reasons). I gave him time but really thought he'd end up saying, "yes, let's go." ...he didn't.

Should I push the issue with dh and let him know how really unhappy I am at our church? Or do I just have an attiude problem and need to view it as an issue of submission?


It's hard to tell from your post if dh actually knows you're unhappy with the church and knows why? If he does, and he's prayed about it and feels like you need to stay there at this time, then yes I would consider it an issue of submission. Lay it at the throne and leave it. But, if you haven't discussed your concerns with dh at all and are just waiting for him to receive some kind of revelation from God that you are unhappy...then you need to step up. Submission does not mean never opening your mouth. It just means to defer to your husband's final decision in a matter that you have both prayerfully considered.



HisCovenant -> RE: Dh wants to stay at our church, I don't (5/19/2008 6:08:17 PM)

I agree. Reasonably discuss your concerns with your hubby and then wait and pray.

I went through something similar, except my heart was breaking for the church. At first, Dh couldn't understand why I was so upset. I explained and he challenged me. I explained further and then let it go for a long time. Every so often I would bring up something, but I did not pressure him to leave and only reasonably discussed the facts with him. There were many times he was convinced I was wrong and that we agreed to just be of differing opinions. Over time, dh discovered that he had been giving the problems at the church the benefit of the doubt and it became clear to him that he was of his opinions because he wasn't seeing clearly and didn't know what the Bible said concerning these issues. It took almost two years before he got to the point of being serious about leaving and another year before we could get out of obligations as we worked to help the church become more Christ-like.



Kath -> RE: Dh wants to stay at our church, I don't (5/31/2008 8:10:42 PM)

Moved from Womens only to Marriage



futuremartyr -> RE: Dh wants to stay at our church, I don't (5/31/2008 9:27:31 PM)

quote:

Should I push the issue with dh and let him know how really unhappy I am at our church? Or do I just have an attiude problem and need to view it as an issue of submission?


Both.

Voice your unhappiness, but make sure it doesn't turn into an arguement, remember submission is inward and then shows on the outside. I have been in your shoes twice, the first time, I did it wrong, pouted until I got my way. It's part of the fall that we want to be in control. The second time, I just considered it a trial and leaned on the Lord. Eventually my husband made the decision to leave on his own, and I felt good about it not being because I pouted. It is always good for wives to let our husband's know what we are thinking, but to be sure to remember they don't have to do it because we want them to. Praying he listens to you. But listening doesn't mean he'll want to leave. Commit to submission no matter what his decision after you talk to him.



Christian30 -> RE: Dh wants to stay at our church, I don't (6/1/2008 3:08:53 AM)

I've been "saturated" with church problems in recent years, and I'm sorry for your plight. As others, I think you need to voice your concern, wait, submit to hubby. It's easy to be positive about a church that is "on top," but quite another to support a troubled church. Our nature is to want to be in a "winning" circle, but churches go through cycles. I'm in a hurting church now that was once "on top,"and it is much more of a challenge, especially since we have serious kid problems at home. Trials outside of the home are much easier to handle (usually) than those inside.)

But if you are a member, you should take your membership seriously. Ask God to change your heart. Remember that your church is hurting, so to not get the reaction you thought might happen in the face of tragedy is likely just the result of a hurting church. Pray for your church and reflect on what YOU are doing to serve others and promote healing. This is all just a part of the Christian growth process. May God bless you.



YZGUY -> RE: Dh wants to stay at our church, I don't (6/1/2008 7:48:43 AM)

quote:

Pray for your church and reflect on what YOU are doing to serve others and promote healing. This is all just a part of the Christian growth process. May God bless you.


Prayer is good, as many have suggested, but also to pray specifically as to what you may do to add to the church. It sounds like you are hurt from the church split and have shut yourself down. Is this a defense (so as not to be hurt again) or is it that the church is truly dead? If it is a defense, I'd suggest that you work out your hurt, emotions, & fears, while seeking and granting forgiveness (if necessary).

If it is that the church is truly dead, then I'd say to continue to pray and follow the advice of Christian30. Remembering that your focus should be on not what the church should do (for me or others), but what I can do for the church & others.



SouthernBelleGrits -> RE: Dh wants to stay at our church, I don't (6/2/2008 3:34:52 PM)

Is your husband really happy at your church? Is he actively involved with the church? I'm asking because I struggle with this also. I tend to be more actively involved in church so I feel the decision on which church to attend should be my decision.My husband has never really connected much when we attend a church because he doesn't take the time to fellowship or take classes to grow spiritually. My husband didn't want to change churches with our last move. He wanted to keep attending the same denomination we had been attending. I felt lifeless and dead there. It felt like torture to my children instead of life. My daughter and I started attending a nondenominational church . After a while my husband started attending the church and liked the pastor's sermons. I'm not sure one should always wait on the husband to make the decision to change churches as so many have said here. Like I said my husband wasn't really connected to the old church but he went because it was the type of church he was use to going to. He was just afraid of change.



4IMPersuaded -> RE: Dh wants to stay at our church, I don't (6/3/2008 8:44:57 PM)

First, let me extend my condolences on the loss that your "adopted" community suffered. I know that has weighed heavily on you. Go ahead and grieve to the extent that you felt the loss, but try not to let this tragedy become a lighting rod for the other problem.

I have been attending a church for several years that my DH really responds to, but it isn't exactly what I would choose if I had my way. I struggled, too, because I felt a certain comfort in a larger church with many activities and areas to "plug in." On the other hand, the church community we worship with by his choice is small and requires a great deal of its members if ministry challenges are to be met.

Here's the thing. I have watched in amazement as my husband has grown in his faith in a way that I had only dreamed of. He is leading in small group, he spends time in the Word and I know that his prayer life is light years beyond what it was only a few years ago. God has rewarded my submission in this area with a man who is now the spiritual leader in our home. He is a godly father that my children see reading his Bible. Now, don't get me wrong, we are not living a perfect life or marriage, but God has truly blessed us because of our obedience and my submission has been a part of that.

Discuss and be honest, but share your concerns in a constructive rather than destructive way. As other posts have suggested, pray and ask God to either change his heart or yours. I would be surprised if you didn't find that over time the change will be in both of you.



Christian30 -> RE: Dh wants to stay at our church, I don't (6/4/2008 5:02:31 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: 4IMPersuaded

First, let me extend my condolences on the loss that your "adopted" community suffered. I know that has weighed heavily on you. Go ahead and grieve to the extent that you felt the loss, but try not to let this tragedy become a lighting rod for the other problem.

I have been attending a church for several years that my DH really responds to, but it isn't exactly what I would choose if I had my way. I struggled, too, because I felt a certain comfort in a larger church with many activities and areas to "plug in." On the other hand, the church community we worship with by his choice is small and requires a great deal of its members if ministry challenges are to be met.

Here's the thing. I have watched in amazement as my husband has grown in his faith in a way that I had only dreamed of. He is leading in small group, he spends time in the Word and I know that his prayer life is light years beyond what it was only a few years ago. God has rewarded my submission in this area with a man who is now the spiritual leader in our home. He is a godly father that my children see reading his Bible. Now, don't get me wrong, we are not living a perfect life or marriage, but God has truly blessed us because of our obedience and my submission has been a part of that.

Discuss and be honest, but share your concerns in a constructive rather than destructive way. As other posts have suggested, pray and ask God to either change his heart or yours. I would be surprised if you didn't find that over time the change will be in both of you.


This is an exciting testimony of one putting her spouse before herself. I need to be more this way with my wife. This level of submission could prevent many divorces and help troubled marriages to heal.



suzanned -> RE: Dh wants to stay at our church, I don't (6/4/2008 11:06:29 AM)

You both need to be where you are growing and have opportunities to serve the Lord. I dont know your relationship with your spouse, however, if it were me, I would bring my spouse together to pray and then create a list of what is wrong and right with the current church situation. Then commit to pray over each area together and wait for the Lord to bring heart change. Ask the Lord. It is submission to one another unto the Lord that God desires. He has the plan, you both need to seek His direction. Your husbands seeming contentedness in this situation may just be that he fears change, or it is easier to stay, or maybe he sees something you dont. To be able to communicate difficulties without defensiveness or bringing agendas along is difficult at times, however typically both partners want what is best for each other and family, so it is important to work through our own emotions and preconceptions and allow God to fully work. As difficult as that is for us-!



4IMPersuaded -> RE: Dh wants to stay at our church, I don't (6/4/2008 3:31:37 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Christian30

This is an exciting testimony of one putting her spouse before herself. I need to be more this way with my wife. This level of submission could prevent many divorces and help troubled marriages to heal.

Gosh, Christian30. I would love to take credit for it, but it really is Christ in me. I have seen Him work in my life in ways that still baffle me. I am very headstrong, but I have also been married for over 18 years. I have learned to be careful what I ask God for because He is so faithful and will provide for whatever I ask as it falls within His plan for me. Submitting to my husband's leadership has been a strange blessing. I was the spiritual leader in our home for many years in the absence of his leadership, so as he takes his Biblical role in the house, I have to really check myself.

A couple of years ago, we had a difficult decision to make about a career choice that would have involved a big move. We prayed diligently and struggled as we searched for God's will. I was frustrated because in the past, I would tell my DH what "word" God had given me. One day in the shower (usually a spiritually "dangerous" place for me because God has me quiet and contained and unable to run from His direction for a few minutes!) I heard in my heart God telling me that this "word" was for DH, not me. What a message! I was both grateful and disappointed because I did relish my role as "oracle" in our home. It is quite a lot to give up that position, but the blessings of living with a man who is seeking to live in the center of God's will is well worth denying my pride.

Blessings to you as you seek this role in your marriage. You were equipped for this position by the Creator of the universe. The trick is to not insist on the position, but focus on Christ in you.



Christian30 -> RE: Dh wants to stay at our church, I don't (6/4/2008 7:03:06 PM)

4IMPersuaded, so well said. I'm glad the Lord did equip your husband to be the spiritual leader... as it should be typically. It of course does not mean he is smarter, knows the Bible better, is better looking (lol!), but that you are in the roles which God ordained for you. What a blessing!

I'll bet your husband puts you before himself too!



futuremartyr -> RE: Dh wants to stay at our church, I don't (6/4/2008 7:19:26 PM)

Philippians 2:3-4 (ESV) 3Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. 4Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.



csl7037 -> RE: Dh wants to stay at our church, I don't (6/4/2008 9:57:19 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: futuremartyr

Philippians 2:3-4 (ESV) 3Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. 4Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.


I wanted to come back because I didn't anyone to think this was a "hit and run" thread. I have been reading but just haven't answered. It's just something I'm going to have to pray about. We've been there many years. I guess I'm not completely just "over" this church. When I first posted, I was reeling from the events at the kids school's church. I'm not desperate to leave or adamant that we do.

I've also thought for quite a while that it's more important for him to be where he can be plugged in and growing. The Philippians verse points me to that again. This is really the first church dh has been involved and invested in. He loved our last church but we only lived there about three years (when we were first married). He's much more involved now, very much in leadership there.

We'll see.



4IMPersuaded -> RE: Dh wants to stay at our church, I don't (6/4/2008 10:13:05 PM)

Bless you csl7037. It is a tough call. Keep in prayer and again, God will likely change your heart. It may be that God has planted you in this particular soil for a reason that you haven't stumbled upon, yet. And... it may not be about you. That was a hard one for me! lol!

As American Christians, we tend to get hung up on what a church can do for us-- perks of membership as though it were a country club. Does the sermon do it for me or do they have a youth group that gets involved in "cool" activities... that sort of thing. In fact, the point of not being raptured at the time of salvation is service and witnessing to others. Seek out ministry within your body of believers and see if over time you don't find what God's purpose for you is here.

He may change dh's heart, who knows... !!!



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