Struggling with closure (Full Version)

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ontheground -> Struggling with closure (5/19/2008 9:07:17 AM)

The relationship I was in had no signs of anything going wrong when my boyfriend desided he may need a break. By expressing my feelings to him I think I pushed him further away. Even though he said he didnt want to "lose us" when it came down to me asking him to tell me if we were over even if it was only a text message! I told him I didnt want to lose him...I begged him to tell me that we were over if thats what he wanted to just end my missori. He never responded to any of my texts and now I am left with no closure. A well meaning friend of mine said he will come back once he clears the fog out of his head but I do not think this is going to happen if he cares so little as to not even send me a text! I don't need this kind of false hope...I need some way to move on, but I was offered no closure! The last thing I heard from him was that he just needed time to get his life together but he didnt want to lose us....how can I create closure from that? Im hurting terribily...I cared very much for him and I thought we had a real future together. All of this came out of nowhere and Im blaming myself for pushing so much that I forced him to leave me totally. [:(]



CoeurdeLeon -> RE: Struggling with closure (5/19/2008 9:15:40 AM)

I'm sorry you're hurting, ontheground.

I'm also afraid that your erstwhile boyfriend did give you an answer by not answering. That's your closure.

Please don't blame yourself. You didn't "push so much" that you forced him to do anything. He doesn't/didn't give you the full story at any time. He'd obviously been thinking about "needing a break" before he sprung it on you. In the meantime, he was acting as if everything was okay. By telling you he doesn't want to "lose us", he's acting as if there is hope when he knows full well that there isn't. Either he is trying to spare you or he is too cowardly to own up to what he's doing or he just doesn't want to engage in any of the dialog that a true answer would elicit.

In any case, I'm sorry for your pain and I hope that you have a relationship with Christ and the support of other Christians to help you heal and get on with your life.



ontheground -> RE: Struggling with closure (5/19/2008 9:27:24 AM)

I must admit...as I read that my heart sank and a sick feeling filled my stomach...Im so tired of being hurt. I dont know how much more of it I can handle.



CoeurdeLeon -> RE: Struggling with closure (5/19/2008 9:32:13 AM)

Please forgive me for causing you pain, that was most certainly not my intention.

Do you have a church family or Christian friends who can uphold you while you get back on your feet?



ontheground -> RE: Struggling with closure (5/19/2008 9:41:11 AM)

I know you did not intend to cause me any pain. Its not you its just one of those cases where the truth hurts and I feel like if I had handled it differently it would not have ended up this way. No I really do not have a christian support system...I have not been able to find a church I feel comfortable at. I dont meen to sound like a sob story but I really do not have many friends either in general. This is why I joined this forum...to possibly find some christian support. I suffer from severe depression but the support group I am in is comprized mostly of non-christians.



CoeurdeLeon -> RE: Struggling with closure (5/19/2008 9:47:49 AM)

Joining this forum was a great idea, whether you have lots of friends or not. There are many fantastic, Godly people here would are willing to pray for you and talk things through and, yes, tell you the truth.

I do encourage you to continue looking for a church.

And, please, try to stop thinking that you could have changed the outcome of the relationship. It's a lie and it's not productive. Nothing good can come out of it. When you catch yourself blaming yourself for things, stop and remind yourself that he is responsible for his decisions and that you did not force him to do anything.



ChoirDJ -> RE: Struggling with closure (5/19/2008 1:14:20 PM)

You mentioned in one of your posts that you have severe depression and that can place a lot of strain on any relationship. If this is the case, you should consider getting help to bring the depression under control so that you can be emotionally healthy for a relationship.

My ex had a problem with depression and It left me feeling like I was carrying her around on my back all the time instead of us having a relationship where we could count on each other during the difficult times. Perhaps your boyfriend didn't feel like he was not in a "give and take" relationship.

As for closure, I'm not sure it exist. Sometimes we go through things in life and we just have to make our peace with them even though we don't fully understand. Your efforts would be much better spent assessing what you need to learn from this situation and moving on to become a better person for it. Beating yourself up about all the "would of", "should of", and "could ofs" will only cause you to sink deeper into the pit.



jaimestarcross -> RE: Struggling with closure (5/19/2008 3:47:48 PM)

I'm sorry the word closure was tossed out to us in the mid to late 80's...
now (most everyone) think they are entitled to it... and when it
doesn't take place they are hurt.

Your bf needs time to mature, so he can be better in a committed relationship.

You aren't solely to blame for the relationship ending.
Relationships are hard work and keeping one takes lots of effort -
not everyone is able to do that... just yet. There are people who
who find that casual dating is more suitable.



deermousie -> RE: Struggling with closure (5/19/2008 4:51:20 PM)

First of all, hugs to you, Ontheground.
(((hugs)))

quote:

ORIGINAL: ontheground
I feel like if I had handled it differently it would not have ended up this way.


This is not true, dear one. Please don't beat yourself up over it, because you'd have to be God to make your bf do differently. He CHOSE to do what he did, and that's who *he* is. He's the kind of guy to say "I need space" and disappear. Your hardship means you found out that his character is weak, and he is probably a liar who is too chicken to face hurting you so he'll let you hurt where he can't see you. At least he made himself feel better, but at your expense. Nice guy, eh? He might do this to his kids someday, too.

If his character is weak (and it's screaming to me that it is) then you just dodged a bullet, because there are few things as awful as being married to a person who can't be counted on when things get crazy (and life always gets crazy. Why take a boat across the raging river of life when you know it has a bad leak?)


quote:


No I really do not have a christian support system...I have not been able to find a church I feel comfortable at. I dont meen to sound like a sob story but I really do not have many friends either in general.


If this guy has been your only friend, then his disappearance act is doubly painful. Find a group of Christians somewhere and get involved. Give yourself away, doing kind things and being involved in helping people. Some people (not all) will give back. And really, you should be established in a church somewhere. Double your efforts and find one that fits your beliefs and join it.

quote:


This is why I joined this forum...to possibly find some christian support. I suffer from severe depression but the support group I am in is comprized mostly of non-christians.


We're a help, but God intends people and especially His people to be in churches. Koinonia means "fellowship" (That's a bunch of fellows in a ship) or "common." That's another way of saying "we're all in this together" or "we have this in common."

I'm thinking about an old Gordon Lightfoot song, a really mean-hearted song that says I don't care that I hurt you when I left you, and the last line was:

"And just when your poor achin' heart is on the mend,
I might just pass this way again."

It could be that your bf (ex-bf, to all appearances) might come back because he thinks it's to his advantage to, and you'll have to decide if that's the kind of guy who is good enough for you: one who'll leave without saying goodbye but leave you with false hope, and who can come back because there's something in it for him. Selfish, selfish, selfish.
In your place, I'd cry, ask God for help, find a church, and get on with my life. God promises to withhold no good thing (Ps. 84:11) so He's not holding out on you: there's someone better coming. Go work on your preparation for life with him (including a new church and daily Bible reading), and rejoice in God's goodness to you.

God bless you, dear one. Life with God is ahead of you, and God won't short-change you.



ChoirDJ -> RE: Struggling with closure (5/19/2008 5:24:31 PM)

As you are seeing, you're getting mixed responses here and that's not such a bad thing. One could say you bf abandoned you at a time you needed him the most and the way he did it makes him all the more of a creep. On the other hand, you can ask yourself some very honest questions about how you have behaved in the relationship and see if you've lived up to your end. Ultimately, your bf and you (and possibly a few others) are the only ones that have the inside scoop as to what "really" went on between the two of you.

I'm not one to mince words because I would rather be painfully honest and helpful than sentimental and unhelpful (is that a word? lol). When someone has a serious problem with depression and that problem has not been treated, that person can be a drain on the few relationships he/she does have. Why? Because depressed people have a tendency to bleed emotionally and marinate in their problems and that doesn't make for good company. I'm not referring to the person with the occasion blues but someone who meets the criteria for one of the depressive disorders. Once again, it sounds like he could have done things in a more appropriate way but that doesn't change the fact that he may have had a very valid reason for leaving the relationship.

If you miss your role in the breakdown to focus on how he didn't break up with you the way he should have, you become the "victim" and victims have no control. "If you assume some responsibility for what may have went wrong then you are also giving yourself the power to make things different. I'm not making any judgements about you either way but I'm just trying to look at the situation from all possible angles.



ontheground -> RE: Struggling with closure (5/20/2008 6:17:01 AM)

I do receive treatment for my depression. I am on medication...the whole bit. also I never once told him I was feeling low or bring any of my problems into the relationship. I tend to keep all my issues to myself because its not anyone elses job to try to fix them or worry about me.



Child4Jesus -> RE: Struggling with closure (5/21/2008 10:00:29 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ontheground
The relationship I was in had no signs of anything going wrong when my boyfriend decided he may need a break. By expressing my feelings to him I think I pushed him further away. Even though he said he didn't want to "lose us" when it came down to me asking him to tell me if we were over even if it was only a text message! I told him I didn't want to lose him...I begged him to tell me that we were over if thats what he wanted to just end my misery. He never responded to any of my texts and now I am left with no closure. A well meaning friend of mine said he will come back once he clears the fog out of his head but I do not think this is going to happen if he cares so little as to not even send me a text! I don't need this kind of false hope...I need some way to move on, but I was offered no closure! The last thing I heard from him was that he just needed time to get his life together but he didn't want to lose us....how can I create closure from that? I'm hurting terribly...I cared very much for him and I thought we had a real future together. All of this came out of nowhere and I'm blaming myself for pushing so much that I forced him to leave me totally. [:(]


I am in a similar spot. No signs of anything wrong. Although I can say she seemed a little withdrawn from me emotionally. Early in April she told me that the guy she was with before me had called her. She told me she told him he had a boyfriend, me, and she is happy. Then comes April 30th. She comes to my house and tells me she hasn't been honest with me. She had been having several conversations with this guy since he first called. Her emotions were stirred for him she says. For some background on this relationship: She told me that same day they went out from November to December. They had sex once (I asked her how it is that she could have sex with someone she barely knows and she said she was lonely) and he didn't call for 1 week. He finally does and tells her he has a girlfriend and got caught up with her (my ex) and that he isn't that sort of guy. So she tells me she broke it off with him at that time. Fast forward to April 30. She tells me about the calls. I asked her why she still had his phone number, why she was picking up the calls and such. She seemed genuinely upset that she hurt me and was crying. I held her and forgave her. On May 2 she sends me an email saying we need to take a break for 21 days to seek God and not only hear each other's voices. On May 16th I sent her a text message saying that that say was our 3 month anniversary and I can't wait to see her. She text me back hours later telling me that he break is permanent. Our differences are too great (she is Roman Catholic. She sees herself as having much experience. She's been married, has a daughter, broke off an engagement etc). She never meant to hurt me and that she is sorry. So basically she broke it off via text message. Had no interest in meeting to talk thing over because her reason for the break hadn't altered.



DenimDiva -> RE: Struggling with closure (5/25/2008 11:05:28 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ontheground

I do receive treatment for my depression. I am on medication...the whole bit. also I never once told him I was feeling low or bring any of my problems into the relationship. I tend to keep all my issues to myself because its not anyone elses job to try to fix them or worry about me.


You're right, no one can fix you.

However, when you say that you don't want to express that you're feeling low or "bring your problems" into a relationship, it makes me wonder how much you trust the person you're in a relationship with?



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