I am the world's WORST daughter... (Full Version)

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savedbylove112 -> I am the world's WORST daughter... (5/20/2008 9:11:42 PM)

...because I don't miss my mother. She went away on vacation for the past week with my one aunt to visit my other aunt who lives in NC (we're in NJ), and my daughter and I were in 7th heaven! The peace, the quiet, the non-stress--I got so much housework and other things done that I couldn't do before because I was always doing for Mom. She came home from vacation, and her first question was "You missed me, didn't you?" I was like, "No, not really." And she thought I was kidding. The sad (?) thing is, I wasn't. Since she's been home, when she's with us or talking to me, all she's done is complain about my aunts and other relatives, complain about her job, and basically just do her regular things that she does NOT do around other people--to explain them here would take too much time, but I'm sure you have people in your life who do similar things. Things that drive you up the blessed wall and back again. Yet she doesn't care. And she wonders why we don't miss her. I hate to admit it, but I've been wanting to spend the past 48 hours she's been home from vacation wanting to slap her silly. I have this vision of her funeral, and everyone else is crying and wailing over her loss, and I'm in the corner trying to hide my vast sense of relief. Does this make me the world's worst, most ungrateful daughter or what??? [8|]



manda59 -> RE: I am the world's WORST daughter... (5/20/2008 9:16:12 PM)

Of course not. To me it's totally understandable. When someone has spent so much time trying to dominate/control both your physical and emotional space, it's natural to feel a sense of relief when you're spared from having to deal with them. It can be exhausting work establishing and maintaining boundaries, and having to be on your guard all the time, never really being able to relax.

When my mum passes away, I will miss what she wasn't but I won't miss what she was.

If you think you're the world's worst daughter, you had better let me share the title.

(((( hug ))))))



deermousie -> RE: I am the world's WORST daughter... (5/20/2008 10:31:29 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: manda59
When my mum passes away, I will miss what she wasn't but I won't miss what she was.

If you think you're the world's worst daughter, you had better let me share the title.

(((( hug ))))))


Make room for me, too!

My mother was the sweetest person to anyone outside the family, but she rarely talked to me at home. After my father would spend four hours screaming at me, insulting me and threatening me with physical violence (I was terrified) she would tell me it never happened but I felt loved and happy and if I disagreed with that, she would disown me. And she eventually did, after being told she wasn't allowed hurt my little child. So I'm a bad daughter, too.

You can only do what is right and tell the truth, and others have to decide how to deal with you. If name calling and rejection is their choice, it's their choice and not yours. We all will stand before God and our mothers can't snow Him.

My mother died after not talking to me for 7 years. She missed half of my kid's childhood... but she missed all of mine. I terribly needed what she didn't give me, but I've made sure that didn't happen to my kid.

My biggest problem is people wanting to know why I disowned my sweet mother and was so terrible to her (she told my MIL this; fortunately my DH knew the truth and told MIL). The damage of her sin goes on and on, but Lord willing it ends with me but God is glorified.



Focusing -> RE: I am the world's WORST daughter... (5/20/2008 10:38:19 PM)

No, you are not a bad daughter at all.

When my munchkin (who is 12) goes out camping with his uncle or is away from me for a bit, I don't expect him to miss me. I understand that he has his things that are keeping him busy and occupied, and he may call me at night to say prayers and I love you, but honestly, I don't expect it. I want him to have his experiences, even if they aren't with me or involve me.



collie1 -> RE: I am the world's WORST daughter... (5/21/2008 12:13:36 AM)

World's worst daughter, I take the prize. My kids and I went on vacation, I was gone for over a week, and didn't call her, because I was so relieved to not have to talk to her every night for an hour or more. Boy was she upset when she finally tracked me down at a mutual friend's house.
She passed away two years ago this coming August, and I have seldom missed her, which is really sad, because all she wanted was to have a close relationship with me. I always felt like she demanded too much of my time, but I never had the nerve to tell her. She would have been too upset, but you know if I had told her years ago, maybe she would have gotten over it, and we could have had a real relationship.



3tulips -> RE: I am the world's WORST daughter... (5/21/2008 2:30:52 PM)

You are not alone. I often feel guilty, but am getting over that, for not missing my mom when I don't see her. She is a Christian so I shouldn't feel like that, right? Wrong. Our relationship is better without so much togetherness. On Mother's Day a few friends told me "You will really miss her when she is gone" and my response is "And that is suppose to change how I feel right now or are you trying to lay guilt on me?!"



agapetos -> RE: I am the world's WORST daughter... (5/21/2008 7:25:25 PM)

quote:

because I don't miss my mother.
I won't copy your whole thread...

I am sorry, but I had to laugh ~ I can't help but think we must be twins! My mother spends time with family and then spends the weeks after complaining about them!

You're not the world's worst daughter.

I told my therapist that my mother as really good with other people's kids, but she wasn't a good mother (that was after the therapy). I had realised that I could live with that, and accepted that she was never going to be a good mother.



manda59 -> RE: I am the world's WORST daughter... (5/21/2008 8:13:00 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: agapetos
I told my therapist that my mother as really good with other people's kids, but she wasn't a good mother (that was after the therapy). I had realised that I could live with that, and accepted that she was never going to be a good mother.



I heard some wise words when I was doing my counsellor training (in which part and parcel of the course was to have 10 counselling sessions ourselves) was:

Our parents did the best they could with what they had. But they may not have had much to start with - resulting in them not necessarily being bad parents, but just not being good enough.

I learned to live with the fact that, try as she might, my mother was just not good enough a mother, and likely (because of her age) never would be.



still4gvn -> RE: I am the world's WORST daughter... (5/21/2008 8:34:44 PM)

Savedbylove: It sounds like your M lives with you. But you mention she works? So if she's not handicapped, why doesn't she get her own place? In this case, absence would make the heart fonder - and be healthier for your daughter.



savedbylove112 -> RE: I am the world's WORST daughter... (6/2/2008 1:29:42 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: still4gvn

Savedbylove: It sounds like your M lives with you. But you mention she works? So if she's not handicapped, why doesn't she get her own place? In this case, absence would make the heart fonder - and be healthier for your daughter.


That's why I AM the world's worst daughter--Mom doesn't live with me; I live with HER. It's her house, and she works full-time at the Post Office to keep it running. But we live in NJ, and I just lost my job after almost 3 years, so I have a hard time saving up for a decent place I can afford. I moved home when hubby left us and DD was only 7, so Mom helped us out a lot by giving us a rent-free home full of love and free child-care so I could work. But Mom's health started going down as we all got older, and then she had those 2 bouts with cancer, and she says how grateful she is that I was there take care of her, and I am grateful I was able to care for her as well.

But I guess now I'm feeling resentful, because it's almost like Mom expects my "services" now. She doesn't pick up after herself, knowing I will. She has just enough energy to make a mess, just never enough to clean it up, knowing that I or my daughter will. The house is crawling with stuff she buys and never uses, but when I move something to make room for--well, just to make room at times!--she'll go off, looking for it for the first time in months, sometimes years--yet insists the house is a mess because of us--never mind that most of my daughter's and my stuff is either in the basement, a local storage facility, or our respective bedrooms. I felt guilty going away on our church's Women's Retreat this past weekend--not for leaving Mom to fend for herself, but for leaving my daughter to have to cater to Mom's every whim in my stead!

I am praying SO HARD that God will change ME--to remind me that as I serve my Mom, I am serving HIM and supposed to be an example of Godly service to my daughter--and I know that He is working on Mom in His timing, and that I need to keep praying for her--but sometimes I just wanna leave and never come back, if only for the fear that I'm going to explode on her someday and get kicked out anyway, or else create such dissension that it will make living here unbearable for all of us.



RichLP -> RE: I am the world's WORST daughter... (6/2/2008 2:44:43 PM)

The first thing you need to do before anything is to remind yourself that you are human.

As has been said here, blood ties do not mean that we are not going to feel annoyed or resentful towards somebody within our immediate family. Yes, the love is there, but if their behavior is hurtful, annoying, irritating, cruel, or anything of the sort, you are going to want to avoid such a person even if this person is your mother.

There was a time I had a lot of resentment towards my father. He was impatient, had a bad temper, and often treated my mother in a way that, if anyone treated him in, it would lead him to explode in fury. Very selfish and childish - and he is, still, sometimes like that, although he has mellowed thanks to older age.

He treated me that way sometimes too and it drove me insane.

In comparison to my mother, he was a lot worse; this is why I felt "relieved" when he wasn't around (out to dinner w/ his friends, and it'd be mom and me alone).

Likewise, I have an older brother who has some very bad habits, and I cannot honestly say I miss him. We now do not live near each other, and both my younger brother (who is about to get married) and I have made it clear to him that we never want to live with him again. He isn't happy with this, but he has to accept it; he knows he has bad habits and he knows that we are all aging and going our separate ways.

Now, in your case, since you do acknowledge a certain debt to your mother, I have only one piece of advice. You must save enough money and move out. I know that in this economy it's very hard, but if you do not pull away from her, you will be "obligated" to her as long as you remain under her roof, irrespective of your age and of the fact that you have a child of your own.

I was once in a similar situation... I was living with my father and my mother. I had to make a difficult decision - to move out on my own, far from them, and to start my own life. It was frightening, it was worrying, and at times, the temptation to swallow my pride and to go back under their wing was overwhelming. But much time has passed, I've matured and toughened up, my professional and financial situations have improved, and now I am an independent adult. My relationship with my parents is good, and I would gladly help them out financially if they needed it, as they would help me if I needed it. But I needed to move out and carve out my own life; had I never done so, I would still be suffering under my father's sometimes annoying habits.

This doesn't mean I don't love him - it just means I don't like some of the things he did and still does, sometimes.

I have no doubts you do love your mother... you just can't stand some of what she does.



elastic -> RE: I am the world's WORST daughter... (6/2/2008 3:12:49 PM)

I am the world's worst daughter. I moved 1,000 miles just to get away from her [8D]...sometimes, even 1,000 miles isn't enough.

I will say that since i have moved away from her, our relationship is much better, though it is still strained at times, and though she never lets me forget that the strain in our relationship is all my fault.

I'm hateful, I'm mean, I never loved her, I'm neglectful....you name it, that's what she has accused me of. Thank goodness i have an amazing DH who sees how manipulative she is and knows that I am none of the things that she acuses me of. much to her chagrin.



jaimestarcross -> RE: I am the world's WORST daughter... (6/2/2008 7:11:49 PM)

I totally know the feeling of not missing my mom! LOL

I lived with her and then when I was an adult she lived with me - so I know the ups and downs.
Learn to laugh my friend and don't take things so seriously... when you get freedom enjoy the times mom is away on a trip/vacation. You can say mom, I sure don't know where I'd be if you weren't here... after all she's opened her home up to you and your daughter, always be grateful for that!!! Tell her you love her!

Your mom is aging and some things aren't being taken care of --- like she's not picking up after herself... (wow, maybe she caught that from you? lol) remember being young and not picking up after yourself? Try to think how it was for her back then OK?
Look for the humor in those trying moments... it could be worse, your mom could be gone(meaning- no longer living.)

As for complaining, my friend we all complain... just look over your posts and count how many times you sang your mom's not so glowing praises? I'm not trying to be mean but sometimes we can't see the forest for the trees (as the old saying goes!)

I don't know all the details of your situation but next time allow your daughter to spend the night with a friend or another family member when you go on a women's retreat or outing... that way you both get a break from mom!

*It's OK to vent your frustrations just make sure you do the venting away from your mom.

*Just remember the day is coming when you and your daughter will have your own place --- can you imagine how much the two of you will enjoy that?!



savedbylove112 -> RE: I am the world's WORST daughter... (6/12/2008 9:32:02 PM)

I don't know if I mentioned this before, but it's come up again, and it's still grating on me. Mom went away this past weekend to my niece's graduation, and just like every other time she goes away, she asks me every time we talk on the phone, "Do you miss me? You miss me, don't you? Admit it, you miss me!" And when she gets home, she asks BOTH of us (my daughter and I) for days afterwards, "Did you miss me?" [8|]

I don't know, but I think she's becoming more and more insecure or something. What do I do, fawn all over her and say, "OH yes, Mommy, I missed you SO much!" [:'(] The sad thing is, I KNOW that's exactly what she wants to hear. She wants to be appreciated and missed, and when we don't show the appropriate amounts of these emotions, she gets all bent.

But how can I tell her the truth--I DON'T miss her. I LOVE it when she goes away, and so does my daughter. We relish the peace and quiet, the time we have together, or even by ourselves, without having to answer to Mom's every beck and call, to cater to her (and I mean that literally), or just to listen to her--I won't even go into what we have to listen to that's not even directed towards us. I'm afraid one day I'm gonna pop and go, "NO we didn't miss you! A bit! When are you going away again???" Part of the blessing of not working is having time alone at home--when I was working, it was work, then come home to her and take care of her all night. At least now I have some daytime peace. [8|]



Sadey -> RE: I am the world's WORST daughter... (6/12/2008 10:04:11 PM)

I imagine your mother knows exactly how you feel.

As long as she is providing you with your home and keep, you really don't have a lot of room to complain.

The only solution is to get out of there and get your own place. The other solution is to sit your mom down and have an honest talk with her.

Is her physical health such that she can't pick up after herself? If so youdon't have much choice but if she is capable of taking care of her things then maybe shes spoiled rotten?[;)]

Just some thoughts



ladyichigo -> RE: I am the world's WORST daughter... (6/12/2008 10:06:12 PM)

quote:

I am the world's worst daughter. I moved 1,000 miles just to get away from her ...sometimes, even 1,000 miles isn't enough.

I will say that since i have moved away from her, our relationship is much better,



I moved about 3,000 miles away from my mother. She's in Southern CA, and I live in Honolulu, HI. Seriously though, because I'm far away from her, we get along better.



savedbylove112 -> RE: I am the world's WORST daughter... (6/14/2008 12:22:51 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sadey

I imagine your mother knows exactly how you feel.


Sadly, I think it's more like, she has no clue how I feel, or doesn't really care. [:o]

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sadey

As long as she is providing you with your home and keep, you really don't have a lot of room to complain.


I know, she does take care of all the major stuff, but I pull my weight plenty around here. I do all the things that, if Mom were alone, she'd have to hire someone to do, as far as fixing, repairing, as well as cooking and cleaning. I also run 90% of her errands for her: running things to the post office, taking the pets to the vets, buying cards/presents/balloons to give to other people, returning things she's bought to the stores, getting her car's oil changed and everything else. It's not that she doesn't have the time, she says she doesn't have the energy. [8|]

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sadey
The only solution is to get out of there and get your own place.


That would be the ideal, but I was unable to save anything while I was living here (in NJ) to I could get a place of my own--I have lousy credit, so I can't get a loan, and no-one I know would co-sign for me.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sadey
The other solution is to sit your mom down and have an honest talk with her.


Another impossibility. Either Mom is "too tired" to deal with the issues at hand, or, in her eyes, they aren't issues at all. Her favorite reply to any greivances I may have: "Get over it."

quote:

Is her physical health such that she can't pick up after herself? If so you don't have much choice but if she is capable of taking care of her things then maybe she's spoiled rotten?[;)]


Yes and no. I know the cancer treatment took a lot out of her and she's not as strong as she used to be, but I would think it would take just as much energy to walk the garbage to the can instead of leaving it on the counter/floor/bed/dresser/wherever it happens to fall. Shut a cabinet door, turn a light off after you leave the room, that kind of thing. She's always whining about how cluttered and messy (but NOT dirty, thank God) the house is, not realizing she's responsible for 95% of it! Or if she does realize it, she takes no steps to remedy it, no matter how much I offer to help. [8|]
Just some thoughts



stampinlady -> RE: I am the world's WORST daughter... (6/15/2008 2:06:38 PM)

quote:

She wants to be appreciated and missed, and when we don't show the appropriate amounts of these emotions, she gets all bent.


My mom is like this too. If I don't fawn over her, and I don't, she whines. Oh, not out loud like a child, but in the tone of her voice. It's really quite sad. I'm learning that my family comes first and if she doesn't like it that's ok. I can still honor her by being patient and kind.



Mrs.Above_All -> RE: I am the world's WORST daughter... (6/15/2008 3:53:55 PM)

I'm glad that I'm not alone in this area. lol I can vouch that while we love our mothers, we don't always like them. Those are two very different things indeed.

When it comes to the parent-child relationship, it's no different from any other relationship in that it takes both sides to make it work. We often focus on the honoring of our parents but we gotta realize that that parents also need to not provoke their children. If parents provoke us, it makes it very difficult for children to honor them. I think the most important thing about this thread is what are we learning. I don't have kids yet but I certainly can learn from my parents what to do and what not to do.

To the OP, I feel for you. It sounds like your mother is really taking advantage of you and it's because you live in her house. Your child is also in the middle of it. It also sounds like your mother is going through some personal issues and has become co-dependant on you. Do you think perhaps she is going through some sort of depression? But before speculating even further, have you talked with anyone that could possiblity help you and your mother? Your mother would HATE the idea of anyone else other than you helping her or even counsel her. But I really think that something needs to be done.

And no, you are not a bad daughter at all!



DenimDiva -> RE: I am the world's WORST daughter... (6/15/2008 4:05:06 PM)

I love my mother, but there isn't very much about her that I like.

I've read in the Bible where we are to obey, respect and honor our parents.

I have not read anything in the Bible that says we are to love them, like them or miss them when they go on vacation.



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